The inspiration for this list is the fact that my producer is on the Amtrack California Zephyr from Davis California to Omaha Nebraska. She will be enjoying the route through the High Sierras and will be spending two nights on the train. The idea was to go with girlfriends and take a historic route to their final destination of Omaha. There she will be watching the Longines FEI world cup horse jumping and dressage finals. I hope you enjoy the list.

Top Ten Things Not to Do Traveling by Train

10 If you are traveling by train, do not think you can sit just anywhere. If you do, at best you may be lucky and not take someone’s seat. At worst, you’ll get comfortable only to discover Tiny the WWF champ has a seat reservation where you are sitting. (Notice how quickly Tiny reacts when things don’t go his way, Bunky.)

9 If you are traveling by train, don’t forget to charge your phone before getting on. If you do forget, at best you will have to limit your calls. At worst, you will be without your phone when you need to send that text to your boss in answer to the question, “where the hell are you?”(Seems you forgot to tell the boss you were going on vacation huh, Ferd?)

8 If you are traveling by train, don’t forget a blanket or sweater. If you do, at best you’ll get chilled. At worst, trying to use your seatmate’s blanket might get you arrested for assault. (Maybe you should have asked before rolling over with it, Buford.)

7 If you are traveling by train, do not talk louder than those around you. If you do, at best you may get into an argument with someone bigger. At worst, you and your bags might be offloaded at the next stop which is a thousand miles from nowhere. (That mail hook was a bit of an insult huh, Pard?)

6 If you are traveling by train, do not walk around without your shoes. If you do, at best you may step on something that moves. At worst, you may need to re-evaluate how much you need those last pair of sock after the visit to the restroom. (This is not the beach, Buster. Shoes are required.)

5 If you are traveling by train, do not forget to take something to read. If you do, at best you’ll get tired of reading the safety messages in the coach. At worst, you’ll begin talking with someone who obviously was just released from a mental care facility. (Your hint should have been the focus on picking lint off your sweater that wasn’t there, Bud.)

4 If you are traveling by train, do not forget to bring snacks and water. If you do, at best the train provisions will be expensive. At worst, the last bottle of water and bag of chips will be auctioned off to the highest bidder after the twelve-hour delay at Donner Pass. (That name rings a bell doesn’t it, Tex?)

3 If you are traveling by train, do not leave your bag unattended in the overhead rack. If you do, at best you’ll be traveling with a group of nuns on the way to a retreat. At worst, whatever was in your bag will be for sale in the next car. (If you hurry you might be able to buy back your underwear, Putz.)

2 If you are traveling by train, do not walk around with a full drink. If you do, at best any spills will hit the aisle. At worst, the last lurch caused your cup to empty on the head of that enormous man in the seat you fell into. (That low growl you are hearing is not part of the train function, Guy. I would run.)

1 If you are traveling by train, do not forget where to get off. If you do, at best you can catch the next train back in twenty-four hours. At worst, the railroad detective will finally release you after several hours of investigation into the stowaway charge. (Why you decided to ride to the end of the line is anybody’s guess, Pal.)