The inspiration for this list came in a discussion with Teagan Geneviene on the ridiculousness of some policies that have been created by bosses. It came to me then to develop a list of things not to let a boss see you do since it could result in a new policy.
Top Ten Things Not to Do in Front of Your Boss.
10 If your boss is looking, do not laugh. If you do, at best you will raise a question as to why you are not serious about work. At worse, you boss will assume you’ve gotten away with something and will try desperately to find out what it is. (Cozy with your boss camped out in your cube huh, Ferd?)
9 If your boss is looking, do not frown. If you do, at best your boss with think you are unhappy. At worse, you boss with think you have a problem and offer to help you solve it.(” I’m your boss, and I’m here to help you,” are the most feared words right, Buster?)
8 If your boss is looking, do not chat on the phone. If you do, at best your boss will time the call. At worst, it will be assumed you cannot prioritize your work. (How are you enjoying those after work classes on work priorities, Pud?)
7 If your boss is looking, do not leave for lunch. If you do, at best, you boss will feel abandoned. At worse, you boss will question your dedication to the job at hand. (Yeah I know it was just a half hour but will that be of comfort at the unemployment office, Putz?)
6 If your boss is looking, do not allow anyone to visit your cube. If you do, at best it will be assumed you use the office as a social venue. At worst, you’ll be required to fill out a form for every minute of the work day. (Now, did that conversation take two minutes exactly, Bunky?)
5 If your boss is looking, do not yell at a fellow worker no matter how annoying. If you do, at best your boss will put you on the disruptive watch list. At worst, your after hour weekday will be taken up by classes on sensitivity and the rights of others. (Lucky you the other classmate is Tiny the WWF champ who keeps growling at you when the instructor turns away. Don’t worry Buster Tiny hates everyone. Nothing personal)
4 If your boss is looking, do not throw away anything. If you do, at best there will be an after-hours look into your wastebasket. At worst, your boss will report you to the recycle and security departments for a full investigation as to compliance.(What this strip search has to do with recycling is anybody’s guess huh Buford?)
3 If your boss is looking, to not leave your cube without locking your computer. If you do, at best the demerit will put you one over the line. At worst, security will be called to remove your computer for a full disc scan to determine if it has been compromised. (Those online searches for golf clubs look a little embarrassing now don’t they Tex?)
2 If your boss is looking, do not shut your computer down a minute early. If you do, at best you boss will come in and ask a question that will require an embarrassing restart. At worst, you will have an additional set of classes to attend dealing with office hour policy. These classes meet on Saturday, Pard.)
1 If your boss is looking, do not, I repeat, do not, sneak a chew of that gum. If you do, at best you’ll be reminded about the policy about eating at your desk. At worst, the environmental department will be called to set rodent traps, and pest spray your area. (Your request for a gas mask and allergy shots has been denied, Herm.)