This post was published on February 8th, 2016. Still hoping for spring, so here it goes again. Wishing you a Happy Presidents Day.

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I know most of the US and much of the northern hemisphere of the world is in winter conditions, and I would not think about going to the zoo this time of year. However, since I am deeply committed to providing only the highest quality of information *cough* designed to keep you out of trouble, this list is being proffered in preparation for an early spring. (Guaranteed). As a plus, the title has a little alliteration which is fun.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Zoo

10 At the zoo, do not tempt the Ostrich to eat the keys to your car. If you do, at best, it will ignore you for the kid’s ice cream cone. At worst, you will be following the Ostrich around the enclosure with a shovel and bag, hoping for efficient movement of the keys. (Lucky you when it comes to the separation process as well. Ew.)

9 At the zoo, do not make fun of the giant gorilla. If you do, at best, you might receive a warning from the park employee. At worst, you might be wearing some of his lunch. ( And you don’t want to know when he ate it.)

8 At the zoo, do not let your inner child join your kids on the carousel. If you do, at best, you might lose your footing as you get off. At worst, you will be too dizzy to stand and find yourself on the ground. ( Did that person just call you a drunk?)

7 At the zoo, do not think letting the goat eat your hair is cute. If you do, at best, you will learn goats pull grass and hair out by the roots. At worst, you will need to get to someone who can even out what has become a bald half of your head. (Those little ones move fast, don’t they?)

6 At the zoo, do not roar at the lion. If you do, at best, the lion will understand you are dope. At worst, the lion will feel the need to mark you as part of his territory. (A little breezy riding home on the roof of the car, isn’t it, Bunky.)

5 At the zoo, do not let your kids off leash and out of your sight. If you do, at best, they will only get lost and found quickly. At worst, you will be frantic and arrive at the monkey enclosure in time to see your kids trying to talk the head of the monkey clan out of his favorite banana. (That monkey looks like he may lose his temper any moment, doesn’t he?)

4 At the zoo, do not go to the bird show and yell when the hawk swoops low. If you do, at best, the bird will become frightened and give you a present before returning to its perch. At worst, the hawk will think you are prey and attempt to lift you by your head. (Those talons can hang on, can’t they?)

3 At the zoo, do not try to lure an animal to the edge of its enclosure with snack bar food. If you do, at best, you might get a cute picture of them eating out of your hand. At worst, you might be making a rushed trip to the ER when you realize that french fry was still attached to your finger. (That made a pretty funny photo, and a video would have gone viral.)

2 At the zoo, do not think the elephant can’t reach you with a water spray. If you do, at best, you have to run fast to avoid it. At worst, you will be drenched and will have to leave early. (What made you think the elephant wanted part of your burrito anyway?)

1 At the zoo, do not volunteer at any of the wild animal shows. If you do, at best, you could embarrass your family with your screams. At worst, that carrot you are holding in your mouth for the sea lion might just be one inch too low. ( Your nose will be better in a couple of weeks)

The inspiration for this list is my friend Tom. He sent me an e-mail with a list of ten things to do to be happy. Of course, my schtick is “things not to do,” so I turned it around a little. I hope you enjoy the list.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Want to Remain an Unhappy Grump

10 If you want to remain unhappy, do not take care of your health. If you don’t take care at best, you’ll have a lot to complain about. At worst, we will all be glad to be rid of you. (Not a nice thing to say at the memorial service, eh, Ralph?)

9 If you want to remain unhappy, do not engage in a hobby that you are passionate about. If you don’t engage, at best, you’ll have nothing to talk about with others. At worst, Tiny, the WWF champ, will engage you in his hobby. (Tiny loves to bounce grumpy people off hardwood floors, Ace. Is that him heading your way now?)

8 If you want to remain unhappy, do not connect with some good friends and laugh heartily. If you don’t connect, at best, the frown will become permanent. At worst, you’ll become that old guy that people call in for a welfare check. (Better put away that hash pipe Stewart. The police are checking on you again.)

7 If you want to remain unhappy, do not concern yourself with having enough income and bank balance to live comfortably. If you aren’t concerned, at best, you could collect aluminum cans. At worst, trying to make a living with that “Will Work for Food” scam is tough. (Is that snow falling, Skipper? It might be time to call it a day.)

6 If you want to remain unhappy, do not help disadvantaged people in any way you can. If you don’t help, at best, you’ll keep your Howard Hughes profile. At worse, you need not expect anyone to give you a hand when you need it. (Forget that lift to the gas station, which is only ten miles from here, Dork)

5 If you want to remain unhappy, do not travel to new places with friends and family. If you don’t travel, at best, you can keep looking at those travel magazines. At worst, you will believe your trip to the corner store is a major outing. (You want to try a different direction this time, Ferd?)

4 If you want to remain unhappy, do not listen to music you like. If you don’t listen, at best, you can hum that same tune off-key. At worst, you’ll fall for every conspiracy theory proffered on talk radio. (I see you have your new tin foil hat in place, Nerd.)

3 If you want to remain unhappy, do not take pleasure in seeing your children grow into fine individuals who do well for themselves. If you don’t take the pleasure, at best, you can cuddle that fur ball you call a cat. At worse, maybe you can apply to adopt a grandpa and take pleasure in someone else’s kids. (Of course, you have to be nice, Putz.)

2 If you want to remain unhappy, do not read a book that is of interest. If you don’t read, at best, those coloring books may help. At worse, you can stay glued to the TV and go from one mindless show to the next. (With any luck, most will be reruns. Excuse me, but does it feel like your brain is running out of your ears, Slug?)

1 If you want to remain unhappy, expect everyone to give you what you need, and do not accept what life throws at you. If you want this attitude, at best, you should not leave the house. At worst, every day will be a monumental hill of disappointment to climb. (You are the pessimist’s pessimist, Roy. I’m glad you don’t live next door to me.)