Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Zoo

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Hugo Herrera on Unsplash

 

This post was published on February 8th, 2016. Still hoping for spring, so here it goes again. Wishing you a Happy Presidents Day.

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I know most of the US and much of the northern hemisphere of the world is in winter conditions, and I would not think about going to the zoo this time of year. However, since I am deeply committed to providing only the highest quality of information *cough* designed to keep you out of trouble, this list is being proffered in preparation for an early spring. (Guaranteed). As a plus, the title has a little alliteration which is fun.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Zoo

10 At the zoo, do not tempt the Ostrich to eat the keys to your car. If you do, at best, it will ignore you for the kid’s ice cream cone. At worst, you will be following the Ostrich around the enclosure with a shovel and bag, hoping for efficient movement of the keys. (Lucky you when it comes to the separation process as well. Ew.)

9 At the zoo, do not make fun of the giant gorilla. If you do, at best, you might receive a warning from the park employee. At worst, you might be wearing some of his lunch. ( And you don’t want to know when he ate it.)

8 At the zoo, do not let your inner child join your kids on the carousel. If you do, at best, you might lose your footing as you get off. At worst, you will be too dizzy to stand and find yourself on the ground. ( Did that person just call you a drunk?)

7 At the zoo, do not think letting the goat eat your hair is cute. If you do, at best, you will learn goats pull grass and hair out by the roots. At worst, you will need to get to someone who can even out what has become a bald half of your head. (Those little ones move fast, don’t they?)

6 At the zoo, do not roar at the lion. If you do, at best, the lion will understand you are dope. At worst, the lion will feel the need to mark you as part of his territory. (A little breezy riding home on the roof of the car, isn’t it, Bunky.)

5 At the zoo, do not let your kids off leash and out of your sight. If you do, at best, they will only get lost and found quickly. At worst, you will be frantic and arrive at the monkey enclosure in time to see your kids trying to talk the head of the monkey clan out of his favorite banana. (That monkey looks like he may lose his temper any moment, doesn’t he?)

4 At the zoo, do not go to the bird show and yell when the hawk swoops low. If you do, at best, the bird will become frightened and give you a present before returning to its perch. At worst, the hawk will think you are prey and attempt to lift you by your head. (Those talons can hang on, can’t they?)

3 At the zoo, do not try to lure an animal to the edge of its enclosure with snack bar food. If you do, at best, you might get a cute picture of them eating out of your hand. At worst, you might be making a rushed trip to the ER when you realize that french fry was still attached to your finger. (That made a pretty funny photo, and a video would have gone viral.)

2 At the zoo, do not think the elephant can’t reach you with a water spray. If you do, at best, you have to run fast to avoid it. At worst, you will be drenched and will have to leave early. (What made you think the elephant wanted part of your burrito anyway?)

1 At the zoo, do not volunteer at any of the wild animal shows. If you do, at best, you could embarrass your family with your screams. At worst, that carrot you are holding in your mouth for the sea lion might just be one inch too low. ( Your nose will be better in a couple of weeks)

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Published by John W. Howell

I have been working in business for over forty years and now have the time to work in special areas of interest. My passion has always been to create compelling stories of fiction. I have authored six novels and am working on my Seventh. The first novel is still in manuscript form and being utilized as a door stop in the laundry room. The second is a contemporary fiction novel of 89,000 words and is complete and I am currently seeking a publisher. I also write poetry but have not had the guts to share any with anyone. The one time I read a piece to a person their only comment was, “it doesn’t rhyme.” I will continue to write and hopefully my blog, Fiction Favorites at www.johnwhowell.com will provide some entertainment and an interesting thought or two. I live in the Austin area with my wife Molly and an assortment of loving pets.

70 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Zoo”

  2. You had me at the goat story–hilarious, John! And #5 is too familiar, searching after my youngest brother at the zoo and years later, my son. Little boys like to escape on their own and a leash is a lifesaver (or at least a sanity protector)!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. My youngest disappeared on us at the zoo. Came out of the washroom all proud of himself that he went by himself. Took everything in my power not to feed him to the lions (right next to the restrooms)…

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Don’t think that taking a little one to the zoo is always fun for them. My 2-year-old daughter was terrified of all things, the monkeys, and had nightmares for weeks after. Who knew?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hilarious! Number nine reminded me of an elementary school field trip. One of the boys in my class was making faces and yelling things to a giraffe. After a couple of minutes, the giraffe got fed up and spit in his face. We all laughed, and the boy started to cry. Great post, John!

    Liked by 2 people

  9. We spent well over $50 to take our 5 year-old granddaughter to the zoo and all she wanted to do was play at the playground. Lesson learned – go to the park next time. She did enjoy feeding the giraffe, though.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. This reminds me too much of a middle school field trip I chaperoned to the Bronx Zoo. I lost count of how many rules were broken that day. If you ever do a top ten for chaperones, include “don’t expect every parent to have remembered to give their kids money for snacks.”

    Liked by 1 person

  21. I would add: don’t put possibly tasty treats in your pockets. I once had a baby elephant pull a pack of gum out of my shirt pocket with its trunk. It was — a memorable experience.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. John, I remember field trips to the Zoo where I always saddled up to the closest spot to the animals, and then got yelled at. Teachers were so paranoid we’d all scale the railings and join the animals. Then again, at that age maybe it was better they were overly concerned!

    Liked by 1 person

  24. LOL lots of ideiots do some of this dumb stuff. I love the animals so it’s a good thing I am very aware of what’s good for them at the zoo and don’t try some of this crazy stuff. But I have gone to the zoo in the winter as our zoo puts up all the lights and it is, of course, Arizona. They serve hot chocolate, and we pretend it’s like a Michigan winter 😉 but with our thinned out blood.

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  28. I might have to blow kisses at the lions, but that’s about it. I wouldn’t want to annoy the magnificent beasts. And as for ostriches? They scare me most of all. It’s that deadly kick man.

    Liked by 1 person

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