Top Ten Things Not to do at a School Reunion

July 5, 2021July 4, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 95 Comments

This post was originally run on July 6th, 2015. Since several reunions are going on this summer, I thought you would enjoy it again.

10 If you attend a school reunion, do not pose for photos that you don’t know where they will be published. If you do at best, the photos will only be traded among classmates. At worst, they will end up on the “what the not to wear, eat, or drink” website. (Which will go viral, and you’ll be getting calls from the Today show to appear on their segment called EXCESS)

9 If you attend a school reunion, do not pretend to be what you are not. If you do, at best, your little fib will be seen as a joke. At worst, your profile on the class newsletter will be featured under the title Most Successful Grad. (Which will be picked up by the news services and published by your hometown newspaper. It does make your job cooking fast food burgers seem more important, though.)

8 If you attend a school reunion, do not bring a date that you do not know simply because they are beautiful. If you do, at best, your charade will be found out early with no consequences. At worst, your date will discover the true reason you brought them and make an exit and a scene remembered for the next five reunions. (Only you passing away will halt the storytelling)

7 If you attend a school reunion, do not rent an expensive car for your grand entrance. If you do, at best, you will look overly anxious to impress and get the opposite reaction. At worst, the valet will take your rental car for a spin and inadvertently leave the side chrome on the street, fleeing a hit-and-run accident. (Which you will easily be able to explain to the judge)

6 If you attend a school reunion, do not try to hide the fact that you don’t remember everyone’s name. If you do, at best, you will look like a fool trying to check name tags without being caught. At worst, you will call someone by a different name, and the name will be associated by that person to an old flame or rival. (You will have a bunch of points on that one)

5 If you attend a school reunion, do not take this time to argue fine points about your grades with your old teachers. If you do, at best, the teachers will wish they had flunked you. At worst, one of them may remember you failed to turn in that assignment in the eleventh grade that will require you to repeat the course and nullify your high school diploma. (Try explaining that to your boss)

4 If you attend a school reunion, do not think your old flame wants to begin where you left off just by smiling at you. If you do, at best, you will be embarrassed to learn they are happily married. At worst, you will be a little too forward thinking all is forgiven. The icing on the cake will be you arrested as you leave the building for assault. ( Gotta remember no means no)

3 If you attend a school reunion, do not assume the free drinks at the bar carry no consequences. If you do, at best, you may exhibit a little tipsiness that everyone will think is cute. At worst, you will have the honor and resulting infamy of passing out on top of the Congratulations Class cake. (The clothes you’re wearing belong to your roommate as well.)

2 If you go to a school reunion, do not offer to be part of the planning committee for the next one. If you do, at best everyone will forget your offer. At worst, you will be appointed chairperson with all the rights and responsibilities to make the next one the best ever. (You will also want to get a Xanax prescription)

1 If you go to a school reunion, do not tell everyone you meet that “we must get together.” If you do at best, they will all wonder if you are having a breakdown. At worst, the ones you least want to see will stay in touch long enough to cop a free overnight on their way through your town. (Plus, they have some kind of foot infection that requires you to burn your sheets when they leave)

Views of the Neighborhood – Fourth of July Parade

July 4, 2021July 4, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 75 Comments

Here is the schedule of events for the Fourth. Today we will be going to the parade. Since the City of Lakeway is buying hot dogs, chips, and drinks, we won’t need to cater for this event. Also, there are a few bands in the parade, so we won’t need outside entertainment. The parade is going right by us too, so we won’t even need the bus. How easy is that? One disclaimer. There were so many entrants in the parade I had to make judgment calls on who to include. I hope you enjoy it, and Happy Birthday to The United States of America.

The first responders presented the colors.

Reserve military band

World War Two Veteran recognition. A replica of the monument in the Freedom Park

Cheerleaders

The bookmobile.

Rolls Royce

Native American recognition.

The drumline.

Lake Travis Mountain Bike Team.

The cub scout float.

A flyover by some local pilots and being joined by a jealous bird.

I can’t even tell you why dinosaurs were in the parade.

Here are the hot dogs getting grilled.

Here is where we can sit down to eat the hot dogs. So make yourself comfortable, and I hope you have a fun holiday.

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt – Contains IGH

July 3, 2021July 2, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 74 Comments

I had just finished my coffee and was looking at an enormous weed that had grown overnight on the lawn. All of a sudden, a little shadow was starting to spread around the weed. Looking up, I could see a still small square getting larger by the second. My brain finally clicked and realized it was an object descending from on high toward the Earth. Taking a glance around, I could see the shadow growing exponentially in four directions with me at the center. I willed my feet to move just as the large ACME fireworks box embedded itself into the ground. When the dust and scraps of lawn settled, I realized that I could have been squashed by the substantial box. The good part was I realized the weed could not have survived the landing.

Gently I removed the cover, and among the rockets and pouches of explosives, I found this:

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “contains ‘igh.’” Find a word that contains the letters “igh” in that order and use it in your post. Enjoy!

Clearly, Linda Hill has found a new delivery service. I did call Wil E. Coyote to come to pick up his stuff. If you would like to have fun like this, visit Linda’s blog and find out how easy it is. Here is the link. https://lindaghill.com/2021/07/02/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-july-3-2021/

“Why so glum—”

“Don’t say, chum.”

“Okay. What’s the problem as if I couldn’t guess?”

“It’s this prompt. It has me buffaloed.”

“Not a hard thing to do.”

“Come on.”

“Okay, sorry. Why are you buffaloed?”

“Words with igh? Someone is pulling my leg.”

“I can think of high. You could do a diary of our pub work.”

“Nobody is going to be interested in that.”

“I think they would be delighted.”

“Hey, you got one.”

“See, not so hard.”

“Do another.”

“Light bulb, but it doesn’t have anything to do with anything.”

“The rules don’t say it has to mean something.”

“Well, then you and I might be in the right place.”

“We have four so far, right?”

“Five.”

“I want to tighten up and win this.”

“You now have six. Why not stop now before you become bigheaded.”

“I would really like to have eight words with igh. That would be swell.”

“You made it. There are eight.”

“Let’s hit the highway then. Our job is done here and the pub calleth.”

“People might think we are shallow. All we do is prompts and beer.”

“Have a highball then. At least you’ll look sophisticated.”

“Forget it. Who needs to go to greater heights anyway?”

“I agree. Certainly not us. Let’s go.”

Friday JohnKu – AKA – TGIF

July 2, 2021July 1, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 78 Comments

Lucy and Twiggy — “Should we be laying in the road on Friday?”
“Huh? Road?”
“Yeah look at the stripes down the center.”
“Light from the windows.”
“Oh. Thank heavens.”

Before we begin I just want you to know I have a story published on Vocal Media. It is titled The Last Hum – Before the end. If you visit and like the story you can hit “like.” Here is the link https://vocal.media/fiction/the-last-hum

Yes, it is Friday again. Always nice to see it. I think everyone is looking forward to the Fourth of July holiday. Makes for a nice long weekend.

The City of Lakeway has reinstated the Fourth of July parade, so I’ll be there. It is being held on Saturday, so I will bring it to you on Views of the Neighborhood on Sunday. I always enjoy a Fourth of July parade. So I hope you will stop by.

Today’s JohnKu talks about our Country’s birthday. I hope you all enjoy the weekend.

One more year older,

The Democracy cradle . . .

Happy day to you.

Thursday – A Little Personal – Twiggy and Lucy in a Construction Zone

July 1, 2021June 30, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 99 Comments

“What the heck is all this mess?”

“I don’t know, Little One, but I suspect the Boss has been watching a do-it-yourself video.”

“This trench is all filled with water. That can’t be right.”

“I would agree. Where is the Boss anyway?”

“I don’t know, but it looks like a lot of dirt that needs putting back.”

“I suspect the Boss dug that out of the trench.”

“Hey, Dad. What’s up with the skinny swimming hole?”

“That is a trench for the downspout extension, Twiggy. That black hose will be connected to carry the water away.”

“Why the extensions?”

“We are getting ready for some new turf, Twiggy. Artificial turf, so the nightmare of the lawn will be over.”

“OOOOkay, but I suspect something went awry here.”

“You are brilliant. After I dug the trench and before I could connect the hose, a downpour came and filled the trench with water.”

“Can we play in it? Hey, I think I see something.”

“No, it is muddy water, and you don’t want to get dirty. What you see is probably your reflection.”

“I know my reflection, and I also know I don’t have a dorsal fin.”

“Wait, a minute, Little One. Let me see that.”

“There. Right there. Did you see it move?”

“I hate to say this, Twiggy, but I hear the themes music from Jaws in my head.”

“Lucy, wait for me. Why’d you run off?”

“I figured whatever was in there would like an appetizer before the main course.”

“That’s pretty funny.”

Wednesday Story Day – AKA Hump Day

June 30, 2021June 29, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 63 Comments

Lucy and Twiggy talking — “This is a pretty nice day for a Wednesday.”
“It is Little One. Maybe you can enjoy it.”
“Still not Friday.”
“Sheesh.”

It is Wednesday Story Day, and last week, we heard Cortez say he would throw out a body an hour until his safe passage to the airport demand is met. He gave our team an hour before the first body. That at least gave Larry and company some time to figure out a move. I think they are planning something so let’s get over there and see what is going on.

“Okay, Andrew, I think I’ve got it.”

“Let’s hope so cause this situation is getting direr by the moment.”

“Hear me out. How about we say to Cortez that it will take some time to get a vehicle that can accommodate all the hostages. Maybe we make a suggestion that if he let most go, we could get a car here faster.”

“I think that is worth a try. I would also ask for more time.”

“Good idea, Mike. How about you, Andrew. Any suggestions?”

“That sounds okay. Do we know how many he has in there?”

“Not really.”

“I think he is just going to say he’ll take the Escalade.”

“We know there were only five in the Escalade when they left the Highway Patrol headquarters. So, if Cortez is extra, then there is Carolyn as well. So that makes seven. Pretty tight for that model.”

“Why don’t you ask Cortez if he needs another car.”

“Brilliant, Andrew. Then if he says, yes, we can stall a little.”

“He could also agree to release some of the hostages and then take the Escalade. What is the next step assuming he releases some of the hostages.?”

“I guess we follow him to the airport and have a sniper in position to take him out.”

“I don’t know. I don’t see Cortez showing himself at the airport. He probably has a jet there and will go directly into the hanger. I don’t think the airport is the place.”

“Where is the place?”

“If we encourage him to take the Escalade, he will have to show himself when he goes to get in since It is sitting in the drive.”

“I don’t see a spot for a sniper around here, though.”

“Why don’t you call the SWAT team and find out if there is a sniper here and if he can spot a good place.”

“Let me do that.”

“Ok, Mike, you make the call. So, Andrew, it sounds like the excuse about the car won’t work.”

“I would just tell him you will arrange safe passage if he lets most of the hostages go. You can ask him if he needs a car. That might sound like you are actually making a plan.”

“You always keep things simple, Andrew.”

“Hey, Larry.”

“Yes, mike.”

“We do, in fact, have a sniper. He thinks he can access the roof on the house across the street for a clear shot of the Escalade. He’s heading there now. It’s going to take a few minutes since he will have to check to make sure he doesn’t spook the homeowner.”

“A man in black with a big gun? Why would a homeowner get spooked? We still have 15 minutes, so while he’s getting in a position, I’m going to call Cortez.”

“Yeah, Great.”

“It’s ringing. Hey, Joachim how’s it going? Okay, okay. I’m trying to arrange a passage for you. I have a question. Are you going to need a second car? Oh, I see. Okay, well, how about you release most of the hostages. That way you won’t need a second car. It’s just an idea, Joachim. No need to get upset. It is going to take a while to get a car here. Okay, I’ll check back.”

“That didn’t sound good.”

“He’s a little jumpy. He gave us another hour to get a car here. It looks like he intends to take the whole crew with him.”

“That is going to make the rescue even more difficult given he has those other two thugs as well.”

“Yeah, I know. We need to figure this out. This is why we make the big bucks.

Tuesday – Anything Possible – Kreative Kue #318 by Keith Channing

June 29, 2021June 28, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 67 Comments

In Keith’s words.

“Using this photo (Below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before 6pm next Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here.

Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next Monday.”

The Photo

“Why did you let them go through?”

“They didn’t look like someone I wanted to know.”

“That has nothing to do with it. We are running a business.”

“Yes, but the business has to have a heart.”

“You let too many go through, and we’ll be out of business, let me tell you.”

“Ah, it was only two. More will come along.”

“What made you decide to et them through?”

“Like I said, they didn’t look like people I wanted to know.”

“What’s to know? You just collect the money, and then they are on their way.”

“I like to have a little discussion with ’em.”

“Discussion? I can’t imagine what you have to discuss.”

“Okay, you pretend to be one of them, and I’ll show you.”

“Fine. Seems stupid, but I’ll do it.”

“Okay, ready. You are at the entrance to the walkway.”

“Got it.”

“And I’m in my regular spot.”

“Yes, yes. Come on, show me.”

“My first line is friendly. Ahem. Here it is.”

“For heaven’s sake, get on with it.”

“WHO DARES APPROACH THE WALK OF THE TROLLS.”

“Sounds okay so far.”

“Thanks. Next, I do a variation on the Fe Fi Fo Fum bit.”

Let’s hear it.”

“Okay. ‘FE, FI, FO, FUM. WHERE ON EARTH ARE YOU GIRLS FROM.'”

“Now, wait a minute. You are supposed to say something like ‘I smell the blood of an Englishman'”

“But these are girls, and they are Americans. See what I mean? It becomes difficult.”

“Just tell them they need to give the troll a toll.”

“Some giggle.”

“What?”

“Yeah, right to my face.”

“Do you have your scowling face on?”

“Yup, and they laugh.”

“Maybe we need a new approach.”

“Like what.”

“Um, let me think. Okay, I got it.”

“This should be great.”

“FE FI FO FUM. PAY THE TOLL, OR I’LL TELL YOUR MUM.”

“I’m sure they’ll be shivering by then.”

“You have something better?

“Well. How about FE, FI, FO, FUM. PAY THE TOLL, OR I’LL SPANK YOUR BUM.”

“For heaven’s sake. We are trolls, not perverts. Kill that one.”

“How about just simply putting up a sign that. says Troll toll. Pay what you want.”

“What about those who refuse to pay?”

“Yeah, good catch. How’s this, Troll toll. Pay what you want or be eaten.”

“Nice ring to it.”

“So, in reality, the ones you let through didn’t look good enough to eat?”

“Bingo. They looked all tough and stringy.”

“Oh, I hate that.”

“Me too.”

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Taking Family Photos

June 28, 2021July 1, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 97 Comments

Photo of a camera — Unsplash photo by Jeff Cortez

This post was originally run on March 30, 2015. I hope you enjoy it again or if you haven’t seen it, I hope you enjoy it now. Summertime is photo time. Also, I am at Story Empire today talking about writing motivation killers. Please join me if you wish. Here’s the link. Do come back though.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Taking Family Photos

10 If you are taking family photos, do not forget the background. If you do, at best, you might have a stray person in the shot. At worst, you may have the perfect family park photo with a lovely backdrop of the trash receptacle or incontinent dog.

9 If you are taking family photos, do not ignore what each person has in their hand. If you do, at best, you’ll take photos that catch a bunch of red Solos. At worse, you may get a fine shot of everyone with red Solos as well as Uncle Jeff and his smoked turkey leg. (Uncle Jeff looks like he has escaped from a quiet care facility)

8 If you are taking family photos, do not let anyone pose without a shirt. If you do, at best, you have to hope your family is well toned. At worst, you will have photos of family members who resemble a gathering of a Yeti clan or a convention of the Michelin Man actor’s league. (That underarm is a classic.)

7 If you are taking family photos, do not let the camera shake. If you do, at best, your photos will be blurry. At worst, the photos will make your family appear as if they are having severe withdrawal from controlled substances. (The DEA is very interested in these photos)

6 If you are taking family photos, tell a joke and don’t just command everyone to smile. If you do, at best, your family will look artificial in appearance. At worst, you will have captured what will be interpreted by outsiders as living proof zombies exist. (Why didn’t aunt Mary bring her teeth today?)

5 If you are taking family photos, do not take this occasion to introduce some creative photo techniques you have always wanted to try. If you do, at best, your family will not understand what you have done. At worst, you will have created a set of photos that your family will insist be burned in front of them along with the memory stick, which they will destroy in front of you.(You made them look like America’s Most Wanted.)

4 If you are taking family photos, do not try to take photos late into the party. If you do, at best everyone will appear tired in the pictures. At worst, you will find it more difficult to get pictures without tongues sticking out and two fingers behind every head. (Where did that side tongue thingy come from anyway?)

3 If you are taking family photos, do not pose members in an unflattering way. If you do, at best, you might hurt some feelings. At worst, Aunt Malva and Uncle George will seek an injunction to have the photos kept from public view. Especially that one where they are comparing the size of their bellies. ( That photo is one step up from Uncle Joe’s moon.)

2 If you are taking family photos, do not over-serve yourself. If you do, at best you will take some pictures that aren’t useable. At worst, you will capture some subjects in unusual poses which you think are fine, but the subjects want to figure a way to eliminate you for having them in your possession. (That selfie of a close-up of your nose is a classic.)

1 If you are taking family photos, do not keep everyone waiting while setting the camera and the lights and the self-timer. If you do, at best, your photo will show some of the tension. At worst, you‘ll have a photo where it appears someone has just opened a large container of Limburger cheese. (I think their faces are stuck that way.)

Views of the Neighborhood – Search for Color

June 27, 2021June 26, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 103 Comments

Today we are going to go out and search for color. Because of the deer population here in Lakeway, blooms are very near and dear to our hearts. Most do not survive the deer munchies. Finding color then is serious business. Lucky for us, we do have Crape Myrtles, which add substantially to the visual scene.

Today we are being catered by Provision in Austin. Our entertainment has had some trouble getting here so let’s hope for next week.

Brunch menu

Snacks

-Deviled Egg

sandwiches

-Provision Burger

Mains

-18oz Bone-In Rib-Eye

The first stop is a profusion of purple crepe myrtles. These are just getting started.

Red crepe myrtles.

More purple crepe myrtles.

Another red crepe myrtle.

A beautiful display of vincas. The owner told me these were grown from seed. The deer don’t like vincas.

A shot of red and pink crepe myrtles

Now for the quiz. (The answer will be given next week)

The most prolific flowering tree in Lakeway is:

A. The plum

B. The oak

C. The crepe myrtle

D. None of the above

I hope you all have a super week.

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt Up/Down

June 26, 2021June 25, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 58 Comments

I just got up and went to the window to see what all the chirping was about. I looked out on the back lawn, and there was a box sitting in the middle of the yard. There must have been a hundred birds all jumping up and down and all around the box. I quickly went outside to see what was causing all the commotion. The birds parted, and I see that the box is from the ACME seed company. That certainly explains the excitement. What is not explained is how the box got there in the first place. Deciding to ignore the mystery, I opened the box and found a note from Linda Hill with the following message:

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “up/down.” Use one, use them both, but try to put one in your first sentence. Bonus points if you use the other in your last sentence. Have fun!

I let the birds have the seed and thought I heard a “beep, beep” as I walked back into the house.

I had to check back to my first sentence and was pleased to see I had used “up.” So I’m on the road to bonus points and one step closer to the Turbo Bentley Convertable.

“What are all these birds doing around your house?”

“It’s a long story.”

“Involves the prompt for today, I’ll bet.”

“Yeah, it does but only in a transcendental way.”

“Okay I’ll take you word for that. What’s the prompt?”

“Up/Down. Bonus points for using one in the first sentence and the other in the last sentence.”

“Oh, too bad. You missed the first sentence opportunity.”

“Au contraire mon frère. I nailed it. It was before you arrived.”

“I’ll take your word. So what else is up?”

“Oh please, that is as trite as all get out.”

“Just trying to help.”

“Next you are going to say you are down with something like beer drinking.”