“Using this photo (below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before 6pm next Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here.
Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next Monday.”
This post originally ran on June 15th 2015. It still appears to hold some water today.
Unsplash photo by Sandy Millar
Since June is wedding month, I can’t let it pass without making some comments on what we should all avoid if we are in a wedding, invited to a wedding, or married. I hope you enjoy it.
Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Wedding (no matter who you are)
10 If you are a wedding guest, do not be tempted to pick up and shake a few of the wedding presents to see if there are sets of china or appliances inside. If you do, at best those observing you will know you bought a cheap gift or none at all. At worst, you will be asked to step away from the gifts by a large man with the word SECURITY above his left pocket. He also happens to be the brother of one of the celebrants, and you are now busted since he assumes you are looking to pick out one to go.
9 If you are a parent of the celebrants, do not tell anyone how you feel about not being good enough for your child. If you do, at best, you will be confiding with someone who knows the other and has not met yours and can’t wait to report your indiscretion. At worst, you might be told to mind your own business and quite possibly followed by a knuckle sandwich (hold the mayo).
8 If you are a second in a wedding, do not think your job is to complain about every detail of the process and how much the whole thing cost you in air travel and clothes. If you do, at best, people will assume the only reason you are at the wedding party is that you are family. (Whether you are or not) At worst, you will add a degree of declassé to the event and will not be forgotten when it comes time to remember the most idiotic attendees.
7 If you are the best person, do not think your toast needs to have several cringe moments, including a detailed description of the past fiancées. If you do, at best, the wedding guests will think your humor is a little bizarre. At worst, it will be assumed you are drunk and out of control that should prompt an intervention placing you in the back of the Quiet Acres van on your way to rehab.
6 If you are the person of honor, do not think your toast has to include rapid hand fanning and a bunch of tears. If you do, at best, the room will pray you faint quickly. At worst, you started without a tissue, and now the streaked mascara and runny nose have cleared out the tables within a ten-foot radius.
5 If you are officiating the wedding ceremony, do not think you can rely on the notes when it comes time to say the names of the celebrants. If you do, at best, you will stumble on the names as you have lost your place in the written word and demonstrate how shallow you are. At worst, you will be using last week’s notes and continue to call the celebrants by names that you have an indication are not correct, but hope are close to the real thing. (hint they’re not)
4 If you are the caterer of a wedding, do not think you can cut corners the day of the event to increase the bottom line. If you do, at best, you will be able to substitute for the few things that you are short. At worst, you will have the luck to cater the wedding of a family of lawyers and will be fighting the lawsuit of breach of contract for the next ten years wishing all the time you had settled out of court.
3 If you are a musician at a wedding, do not think your usual twenty-minute set break each hour will be tolerated by the marriage guests. If you do, at best, you will have several of them with you requesting songs no matter where you go. At worst, as the evening gets older, you will believe your life is in danger once the music stops. You will be reminded of a pack of wolves surrounding and closing in on the camper as the fire dies. ( Better keep playing).
2 If you are the venue manager of a wedding, do not think there will be any problem asking everyone to leave at the appointed hour. If you do, at best, your encounter with overserved wedding guests will be loud and unpleasant. At worst, you will be barricaded in your office praying the SWAT team arrives before the angry mob does what was subtly suggested when someone yelled, “Get some tar and feathers.”
1 If you are a server at a wedding, do not think you will get rich on the tips. If you do, at best, you will realize that people attending a free event think everything’s free. At worst, the tips you counted on receiving you already spent, and you will now need to work another job to offset the lost revenue. (Of course, you could turn into a pickpocket. Naw, that’s not right.)
Today we are going to take a drive and check on the deer. There have been some new additions to the herd, and we ought to go out and introduce ourselves. We are being catered by Perlas of Austin. Our entertainment is Taylor Swift.
I was enjoying a leisurely stroll through the neighborhood yesterday. I was on the lookout for the deer since I intend to provide a deer update on the Neighborhood Views on Sunday. As I was turning into my cul-de-sac, I felt the wind of the big brown UPS truck as it barely missed running me over. I reached the drive to my house just as the delivery person shot put a package that rolled and tumbled into the front door. I could hear Twiggy hitting high C inside the house. I said, “Thanks.”
The sarcasm was dripping from the word like a melting cone. I could have saved my breath and chilly bon mot since the delivery person was deeply into the tune playing behind the eyes from the noise-reducing earbuds. I’m not certain they saw me as there was no effort to avoid me. I jumped out of the way, and they were off in a cacophony of backup warning tones, grinding gears, and a V8 that begged for a tune-up.
I approached the package, which had Handle With Care warnings on all four sides. I could see dark liquid pooling from the side, lying on the concrete. I thought about calling 9-1-1 but gently lifted the package to see if there was any hope.”Stay with me. Help is on the way,” I yelled. Of course, the package had no idea I was not telling the truth. There wasn’t much anyone could have done anyway. I carefully opened the box to see the damage and found a message on top of six pulverized bottles of VooDoo Ranger Ale. The message was from Linda Hill and read, “Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “drive.” Use it any way you’d like. Have fun!”
“Okay Twiggy. Come over here and we can play a game.” “Catch me?” “Well it’s Friday so why not?”
Another Friday and another fast week. I love the refrain, “I just don’t know where the time goes.” It speaks so well for the current situation. But, of course, it is a refrain spoken mostly by the senior members of the population. I have to plead guilty as being included in that body of folks. But, just the same, I would like to have time to slow down a bit.
Our first summer is officially here in Central Texas. We have 90 degree days.
We just finished the Noad’s Ark phase of the seasons in Texas. Here is a chart giving you an idea of all the Texas seasons.
When we move into Hell’s Front Porch, the temps will get into the 100’s. We always look forward to that time of year. Today’s JohnKu talks about talking about the weather. I hope you all have a delightful weekend.
“Yes, it’s Wednesday for the fifth time.” “Just has a Friday feel is all.” “Come smell the flowers.”
It is Wednesday Story Day again, and last week we were all stunned to know that the Escalade used to pick up an order from Chick-Fil-A and which was owned by the now late widow Tounsand is sitting in Cortez’s driveway. We have also assumed that it is the same Escalade used to take ADA Thomas, Lieutenant Mayfield, and Lazar Popović away from the warehouse. Agent Moore has ordered up an assault team, and he, Larry, and Andrew are all headed to Cortez’s place. Let’s join them as they ride there.
“Do you think ADA Thomas, Lieutenant Mayfield, and Lazar Popović are at Cortez’s”
“Not sure, Larry, but I would bet on it.”
“What about Carolyn, Popović’s daughter?”
“Seems logical that she should be there too.”
“I’m also wondering now how we can tie in Alexis Rafferty’s murder to Cortez.”
“I thought the wife and boyfriend did it.”
“Yeah, but I believe Cortez had a hand as well.”
“Uh, Larry?”
“Yes, Andrew.”
“Do you think we can finally put the Sandusky case to bed as well?”
“Oh man, Andrew. We have been on a pilgrimage, haven’t we? It all started with Sandusky, and here we are headed for Cortez’s house, which may be the end to this mess.”
“One can only hope.”
“You guys have your own axes to grind. I want Cortez for kidnapping and federal drug crimes. I don’t want you to bring up anything else. If you do, he will try to bargain his way out whit information about your stuff.”
“We get that, Mike. We think Popović will give us all the information we need assuming Carolyn is okay.”
“I hope so. I don’t mean to be a jerk, but this big tuna is one we’ve wanted to land for several years.”
“We respect that, Mike. How far out are we?”
“Looks like a couple of minutes till we rendezvous with the assault team.”
“I guess you have a plan of attack.”
“Yeah. We are going to surround the building. This is going to be tricky since there are maybe four hostages inside. We won’t be able to rush the building since we have no idea where they are inside. We don’t want anyone to get killed.”
“So, what are you going to do?”
“Allow Cortez to give up. He does not impress me as a guy who is ready to die right now.”
“He might try to bargain the lives of the hostages.”
“Yeah, usually that doesn’t work. But, if we take the calm approach, I think we have a chance to talk him out.”
“You’ve done this before?”
“Countless times. Okay, there’s the team. Let’s go over the plan with them.”
“Right behind you, Mike.”
I’m also over at Story Empire today talking more about the Hierarchy of needs. Here’s the link.
“Using this photo (below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.combefore 6pm next Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here.
Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next Monday.”
“I know you hate to go over budget. That’s why I offered to help.”
“How can you help?”
“Easy. You write down an item and tell me the cost. Then, I plug it into the calculator for you. In the end, we will have a total. and you’ll know if you are over or under.”
“What if I’m over?”
“You simply go down the list and eliminate items until you are on budget again.”
“Seems logical. What if I’m under budget?”
“That is really simple. You add some stuff you always wanted but felt you couldn’t afford.”
“I like this system. It adds a little bit of discipline to the shopping trip.”
“That’s right and gives you control.”
“I can’t believe a bird came up with this.”
“I’m telling you if more people listened to the advice of birds, this would be a better place to live. Before we start listing, what is your budget?”
“I would say $50.00.”
“Okay, give me the first item.”
“Birdseed $4.50.”
“Got it. The second.”
“Twelve pack of VooDoo Ranger ale, $16.50.”
“Okay. Next.”
“Standing rib roast $22.50.”
“Whew. Next.”
“Bottle of red wine $10.00.”
“Cheap. Next.”
“Used to be two bucks. They called it Two Buck Chuck. Now it should be called Ten Buck Chuck. That’s my list.”
“Okay, let me hit total. Uh oh.”
“Uh oh?”
“Yeah, the total is $53.50.”
“That’s not good.”
“Might have to eliminate something. How about the wine?”
“Lifes blood.”
Vo Doo Ranger?”
“Brain food.”
“Smaller Standing rib roast?”
“Too many mouths.”
“Don’t tell me.”
“What’s the total without the birdseed?”
“Aw, come on. Who thought of this system in the first place?”
“So you shouldn’t be surprised. The total?”
“$49.00.”
“Under budget.”
“Yup. It’s a cruel world.”
“I do thank you for your idea.”
“Yeah, sure. Anytime. As they say, ‘no good deed goes unpunished.'”
This post originally ran on June 8th, 2015. Although COVID has replaced physical ceremonies with virtual, it still seems relevant.
The inspiration for this list is the fact that it is graduation season. When you think of all the graduations that are being held in the US alone, you realize the potential exists that these ten things occur with similar results. I hope you enjoy the list and can manage to avoid them.
Top Ten Things Not to Do at Graduation Time
10 If you are a graduate, do not put something dumb on your mortar. If you do, at best, even if your family sees you, they will not want to admit you belong to them. At worst, the picture taken of your message will go viral and will show up every time someone searches your name on Google, including prospective employers.
9 If you are a graduate parent, do not blow any type of horn when your child receives their diploma. If you do, at best, you will cause your kid to want to find another home. At worst, that big over trained guy in front of you is fighting a hangover and will help you stow your horn where you will not want it stored.
8 If you are a speaker at graduation, do not tell the graduates that the world is looking to them for salvation. If you do, at best, your cliché will remind everyone just how out of it you are. At worst, your words will be quoted in some satirical publications that will point out just how many times graduating classes heard the same words throughout the millennium.
7 If your graduate has decided to skip the ceremony, do not fight the decision. If you do, at best, your child will make attending the ceremony sound like parental abuse. At worst, the child will attend with something dumb written on the mortar to the tune of “my parents made me do this,” and you can expect the message broadcasted worldwide.
6 If your family is experiencing graduation, do not think this indicates your job as a parent is complete. If you do, at best, you will be surprised by requests for help as life commences. At worst, you will need counseling to overcome the feeling of failure as your child asks to move into your spare room.
5 If you are the graduation ceremony organizer, do not think everything will run smoothly because of your careful planning. If you do at best, you will be unprepared when something goes wrong. At worst, you will not know what to do with a thousand champaign corks bouncing off the facility and school officials even though you banned the presence of alcohol at the ceremony.
4 If you are holding a graduation party, do not leave your house even though you trust your loving child to be trustworthy and in control. If you do, at best, a few more guests who were not expected will attend with little consequence. At worst, the state police will look for you to help fund the fire department, EMS, and SWAT team expenses that were incurred to break up the party and put out the fire destroying yours and two neighbor houses
3 If you have a graduate, do not overdo the gift. If you do, at best, your child will expect a similar prize for other accomplishments. At worst, someday, it will need to be replaced, and the words about the child being on their own when you gave the gift are forgotten.
2 If you are attending a graduation ceremony, do not treat the event as if it is a football game. If you do, at best, you will get strange looks when you enter the stand with the school colors and jersey and that giant foam # 1 hand. At worst, you will get many interested police and firefighters responding to the school complaint regarding the bratwurst you are grilling at your tailgate gathering.
1 If you have a graduate, do not keep telling them how amazed you are that they made it through school. If you do, at best, they will think you did not have faith in their abilities. At worst, you will give the child a complex that will be manifest in the longing for a career in fast food service as a grill person.
We should take a moment before we begin, to remember all those who took part in the invasion of France on D-Day June 6th, 1944. They are the greatest generation and are now fading to eternity. If you know a vet who served in WW II give them a hug.
Today’s tour is going to be brief. So brief in fact that we won’t need the bus. Also, we are going to be catered from Chick-Fil-A. Now before you laugh, this took an act of congress since Chick-Fil-A doesn’t serve on Sunday. Those of you who follow the Wednesday Story will understand that Chick-Fil-A owes me. Because of some technical problems, we will have to entertain ourselves. I can’t seem to get videos to play on the classic editor today. Thanks, WP.
Chick-Fil-A menu
Chick-fil-A® Chicken Biscuit
Chick-fil-A Chick-n-Minis™
Egg White Grill
Hash Brown Scramble Burrito
Hash Brown Scramble Bowl
Bacon, Egg & Cheese Biscuit Bacon
Sausage, Egg & Cheese Biscuit Sausage
Bacon, Egg & Cheese Muffin Bacon
Sausage, Egg & Cheese Muffin
Buttered Biscuit
English Muffin
Hash Browns
Greek Yogurt Parfait
Fruit Cup Fruit Cup
So let’s start walking.
The first stop is a fig tree that I have had my eye on. It was frozen in the February freeze and looks like it is DOA.
Checking on the Artichoke Agave. Once the plant is finishing flowering, the mother plant will die.
The next photos are of the damage from the storm that moved through here on Wednesday. This tree is a total loss.
A downed limb from the wind.
A major tree with major damage.
Another view of the same tree.
My neighbors Bradford pear
A shot looking down the driveway
A closer look.
The final view looking down the driveway. The tree was rotting at the base. so they took it down
