This post originally ran on June 15th 2015. It still appears to hold some water today.
Since June is wedding month, I can’t let it pass without making some comments on what we should all avoid if we are in a wedding, invited to a wedding, or married. I hope you enjoy it.
Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Wedding (no matter who you are)
10 If you are a wedding guest, do not be tempted to pick up and shake a few of the wedding presents to see if there are sets of china or appliances inside. If you do, at best those observing you will know you bought a cheap gift or none at all. At worst, you will be asked to step away from the gifts by a large man with the word SECURITY above his left pocket. He also happens to be the brother of one of the celebrants, and you are now busted since he assumes you are looking to pick out one to go.
9 If you are a parent of the celebrants, do not tell anyone how you feel about not being good enough for your child. If you do, at best, you will be confiding with someone who knows the other and has not met yours and can’t wait to report your indiscretion. At worst, you might be told to mind your own business and quite possibly followed by a knuckle sandwich (hold the mayo).
8 If you are a second in a wedding, do not think your job is to complain about every detail of the process and how much the whole thing cost you in air travel and clothes. If you do, at best, people will assume the only reason you are at the wedding party is that you are family. (Whether you are or not) At worst, you will add a degree of declassé to the event and will not be forgotten when it comes time to remember the most idiotic attendees.
7 If you are the best person, do not think your toast needs to have several cringe moments, including a detailed description of the past fiancées. If you do, at best, the wedding guests will think your humor is a little bizarre. At worst, it will be assumed you are drunk and out of control that should prompt an intervention placing you in the back of the Quiet Acres van on your way to rehab.
6 If you are the person of honor, do not think your toast has to include rapid hand fanning and a bunch of tears. If you do, at best, the room will pray you faint quickly. At worst, you started without a tissue, and now the streaked mascara and runny nose have cleared out the tables within a ten-foot radius.
5 If you are officiating the wedding ceremony, do not think you can rely on the notes when it comes time to say the names of the celebrants. If you do, at best, you will stumble on the names as you have lost your place in the written word and demonstrate how shallow you are. At worst, you will be using last week’s notes and continue to call the celebrants by names that you have an indication are not correct, but hope are close to the real thing. (hint they’re not)
4 If you are the caterer of a wedding, do not think you can cut corners the day of the event to increase the bottom line. If you do, at best, you will be able to substitute for the few things that you are short. At worst, you will have the luck to cater the wedding of a family of lawyers and will be fighting the lawsuit of breach of contract for the next ten years wishing all the time you had settled out of court.
3 If you are a musician at a wedding, do not think your usual twenty-minute set break each hour will be tolerated by the marriage guests. If you do, at best, you will have several of them with you requesting songs no matter where you go. At worst, as the evening gets older, you will believe your life is in danger once the music stops. You will be reminded of a pack of wolves surrounding and closing in on the camper as the fire dies. ( Better keep playing).
2 If you are the venue manager of a wedding, do not think there will be any problem asking everyone to leave at the appointed hour. If you do, at best, your encounter with overserved wedding guests will be loud and unpleasant. At worst, you will be barricaded in your office praying the SWAT team arrives before the angry mob does what was subtly suggested when someone yelled, “Get some tar and feathers.”
1 If you are a server at a wedding, do not think you will get rich on the tips. If you do, at best, you will realize that people attending a free event think everything’s free. At worst, the tips you counted on receiving you already spent, and you will now need to work another job to offset the lost revenue. (Of course, you could turn into a pickpocket. Naw, that’s not right.)