This list was inspired by being habitually late for most of life’s events. Hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Wait Until the Last Minute to Do

10 Do not wait until the last minute to get a reservation at the best restaurant. If you do, at best you might want to eat at home. At worst you could find yourself waiting in the bar until there is no longer a point in eating.(Now you have the problem of getting home)

9 Do not wait until the last minute to see if that formal outfit still fits. If you do, at best you might be going to the event a little less formal than you planned. At worst, you could find the split rear seem about two minutes after everyone else in the room. (At least, it’s not toilet tissue on your shoe)

8 Do not wait until the last minute to pull the ripcord during that parachute jump.  If you do, at best you may subject yourself to some heart-stopping moments. At worst, you will learn a hard lesson of physics where the acceleration of a falling mass reaches the speed of fifty feet per second per second. (gotta hope you have enough seconds before the ground meets you.)

7 Do not wait until the last minute to put together a Top Ten list. If you do, at best you will get to bed way too late. At worst, you will come up with something like that parachute item.( Have to promise better)

6 Do not wait until the last minute to put the holiday turkey in the oven. If you do, at best dinner will be delayed. At worst, your holiday dinner guests will have unscheduled stops at the ER on their way home. (Next time you’ll believe that thermometer)

5 Do not wait until the last minute to pay your holiday bills. If you do, at best you will get the money in before the extra charges. At worst, you realize there are more bills than money and the finance charges are like an extra car payment. (Maybe you’ll have these paid up by next December)

4 Do not wait until the last minute to give your Christmas list to Santa. If you do, at best a few of the items on your list will not be available. At worst Santa may just have to pass by your house since his elves could not make that yellow convertible fast enough. (You could have made it simpler given the lateness of the request)

3 Do not wait until the last-minute to make airline reservations to that resort for the holidays. If you do, at best your room will cost five times that of your neighbor. At worst, your selection will be limited to the Howard Johnson’s on exit 361 of the Long Island Expressway. (There is also an ice storm forecasted.)

2 Do not wait until the last minute tp pack for that holiday trip. If you do, at best you will only have to wear everything twice. At worst, you will raise all kinds of questions when you ask the front desk where to buy underwear.( Just forget the look and get a pair)

1 Do not wait until the last minute to fuel your car for the trip to the airport. If you do, at best the power failure did not include the gas station at the next exit. At worst, the only gas station open at this hour has a cash only policy and the local ATM has just been hauled away by vandals.(Notice how soon the low fuel warning light come on)

The inspiration for this list was a discussion between my wife and me about some of the ways kids able to light the parental upset fuse by a simple question. We both have asked some and have been asked some.

Top Ten Things You Never Should Have Asked Your Mother

10 You should never have asked your mother “What meatloaf again?” If you did, at best you got a cold stare and shoulder. At worst, you were invited to partake of food at the neighbor’s house. (The look told you she meant it)

9 You should never have asked your mother on her birthday “How old are you now?” If you did, at best you got a lecture on poor manners. At worst, you were witness to flying cake and a bedroom door slam that you still see in your nightmares. (The heat from the flaming candles should have been a clue to clam up)

8 You should never have asked your mother once your dad told you no “Dad says to come and ask you for the car keys.” If you did, at best you’ll get a response that confirms your dad’s opinion. At worst, you will have been solely responsible for the resultant three months of additional chores once the parental units caught up to your scheme.( Good luck on ever seeing those keys)

7 You should never have asked your mother “Don’t you think that dress is a little out of style.” If you did, at best your mother will go change but not talk to your for the rest of the day. At worst, you will be subjected to a long lecture about all the things your mother gave up so that you could have the most up to date clothing. (She is probably right you ungrateful dependent you)

6 You should never have asked your mother “Can you and dad leave while my friends come over?” If you did, at best you will get a firm “No” in response. At worst, you will be delighted to have your parents sitting in the very room where you and your friends are gathering. (Your worst nightmare has come true)

5 You should never have called your mother on April Fools Day asking “Come bail me out of jail?” If you did, at best a cold cloth applied by dad worked to revive her. At worst, the joke will have backfired to the point where your mom still thinks there was something behind it. (Not nice to play high stakes jokes on your worried mom)

4 You should never have asked your mother to bake cupcakes for the soccer team the night before the event. If you did, at best the cupcakes were made but you owed your mom big time. At worst, the cakes were made but you were so tired from helping you had the worst game ever. (Notice in each case the cakes got made?)

3 You should never have asked your mother to give you lunch money instead of packing a lunch since all the cool kids buy their lunch. If you did, at best you got the money but also a discussion about proper nutrition and peer pressure. At worst, you didn’t get the money and now find your lunch consists of every food you can’t stand including a lot of fruits. (Mom’s way of telling you to quit trying to be part of the in crowd.)

2 You should have never asked your mother to tell a fib about where you were when your stood up date called to talk to you. If you did, at best your mother simply hands the phone to you. At worst, your mother tells your date that you are not interested in talking. (The truth will ice that relationship. Won’t it?)

1 You should have never asked your mother to babysit your kids. If you did, at best all had an excellent time. At worst, your mother doesn’t want to return them to you.