Top Ten No Nos is as Top Ten No Nos Does

February 24, 2014February 21, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 22 Comments

Here is the 34th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Writing a Book Review on Amazon or Anywhere Else

10. When writing a book review, do not provide a five-page synopsis of the book before you even start your review. If you do, at best, readers will just skip the synopsis and your efforts will be wasted. At worst, readers will confuse the synopsis for your own work, tweet and blog about the review, causing it to go viral and guaranteeing a negative reaction by the author.

9. When writing a book review, do not simply say, “I liked the book. It was really good.” Readers want to know what you liked about the book. If that is all you say, at best, your reviews will simply be ignored. At worst, readers will ignore you in droves when they see you use the same response for everything from Fifty Shades of Gray to Five Billion Years of Solitude and decide not to take your reviews seriously.

8. When writing a book review, do not simply say, “I hated it. It was a waste of time.” If you really didn’t like a book, explain why so the reader can make an informed decision whether or not to read it. If you don’t, at best, readers will just ignore your review, shrugging you off as someone who probably didn’t even read the book. At worst, readers will take an exception to your condescending attitude and begin to flag all your reviews as “Not helpful,” quickly causing your reputation as a book reviewer to go south.

7. When writing a book review, do not include spoilers unless you make it clear at the beginning of your review that it contains spoilers. If you do, at best, only a few readers will be disturbed by your spoiler review, and they may even kindly point out your error to you. At worst, a flame war among reviewers of the book will erupt, with you likely getting a call from the author’s pro wrestler brother-in-law.

6. When writing a book review, do not think it is funny to suggest the author of the book quit writing and take up dishwashing for employment. If you do, at best, readers will take you for the troll you are and ignore you. At worst, you might find yourself suddenly and uncomfortably associated with bullies and brutes, a group of people who tend to eat their own.

5. When writing a book review, do not think the reader needs to know every single typo, grammatical error, or other such boo-boo in the book you’ve reviewed. If you point all these out, at best, your annotations might simply distract the reader from fully understanding what the book is about. At worst, you may be hearing from the author’s attorney because in your zeal to show your editorial prowess, you essentially duplicated the book in your review.

4. When writing a book review, do not think that speed reading through a stack of books and then spending a weekend marathon writing reviews will necessarily stoke your reputation as a book reviewer. If you do, at best, readers might be impressed, but still wonder at your sanity for producing 60 reviews in 48 hours. At worst, near the end of your marathon reviewing, you conflate Goldfinch with the Peterson Field Guide to Birds and your reviews become the laughingstock of Amazon reviews.

3. When writing a book review, do not think just reading the first and last chapter of a book is enough to enable you to write an intelligent book review. If that’s all you do, at best, you’ll wind up just writing “I liked it” or “I hated it” because you really can’t say anything more. At worst, you get called out by another reviewer when you mention the hero survives World War II when in fact the book is about zombies and the hero turns into one in the penultimate chapter.

2. When writing a book review, do not think you need to become an authority on the author of the book you are reviewing. At best, the author will be a stay-at-home mom with two-year-old twins who will feel flattered you thought she actually lives a life of romance and danger. At worst, the author could be a lawyer trying his hand at writing fiction and who will not take kindly to your suggestion to the effect: Since he writes from the point of view of a serial killer, he then must have experience as a serial killer. In this case, the lawyer may decide to role-play his novel, with you as the victim.

1. When writing a book review, do not think you will gain fans and followers by being snarky and rude in your reviews. Okay, you probably will, but consider what kind of fans/followers they will be. At best, they will just be people with nothing better to do than be anonymously rude and snarky on the web and eventually you’ll get tired of the negativity, change your Gravatar and start writing constructive reviews. At worst, the people following you could hack into your account and download every Gravatar you’ve ever used, as well as, all your email addresses and blogs and previous book reviews, and you will never ever escape them, making your experience an interesting plot for a dystopian novel.

To see how book reviews should be written, visit Ionia Martin’s Readful Things Blog at http://www.readfulthingsblog.com.

MEMOIRS OF A DILETTANTE VOLUME ONE – COVER REVEAL!

February 21, 2014February 14, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 5 Comments

Paperback cover

e-book cover

Unless you have been unconscious for a few months, you must know Helena Hann-Basquiat the author. She has a wonderful blog which is listed below and has also put together her volume one (oh goodie it means there is a volume two for those who love her) of her memoirs. This is really good news for the literate of the world since there may be stunning revelations as to who this person is anyway. In typical fashion for a Dilettante, you are treated to the vision of the cover before being able to go inside.

Memoirs of a Dilettante is a collection of reminiscences, following Helena Hann-Basquiat, a self-proclaimed dilettante who will try anything just to say that she has, and her twenty-something niece, who she has dubbed the Countess Penelope of Arcadia, in their off-beat antics in such places as common as the local McDonald’s or the comic book store, to their travels to Miami for the search for the perfect Cuban sandwich. Interspersed between wacky one-off adventures, Helena tells personal, sometimes painful stories from her past in order to try to make sense of her life as it has played out, tempering everything with an indomitable sense of humour.

Cummerbund Bandersnatch, the Accidental Plagiarist, strippers, rock stars, geeks, freaks, and the Barista With No Name — these are just a few of the characters you’ll meet inside.

Discover Helena’s tales for the first time or all over again, with new notes and annotations for the culturally impaired — or for those who just need to know what the hell was going through her mind at the time!

If you just can’t wait and you want a taste of Helena’s writing, follow her blog: http://helenahannbasquiat.wordpress.com/

If you just can’t get enough Helena, or you want updates on further goings on, release dates and miscellaneous mayhem, follow Helena on Twitter @hhbasquiat

I understand I am doing clean-up on the cover reveal tour, so if I were you, I would go see Helena now since this will be the last post on the schedule. Damn I had to wait so long.

Hump Day is as Hump Day Does

February 19, 2014February 17, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 10 Comments

Today is Wednesday and time for another story. This one tells of a writer and actor going through some of the story line. Of course this is fiction, but actually served a purpose in saving $250.00 of couch time at the feelings doctor. The video is the Hump Day Camel in a public service announcement. Still funny.

Hope you enjoy.

“So who’s the character supposed to be?”

“He is a lying no good son-of-a-bitch. That’s who he is supposed to be.”

“I know, but I am trying to get a real feeling for the person here. I can’t play the character unless I feel the person. You know what I mean?”

“Yeah I know all you actors have some kind of method. Is that what you are talking about?”

“No, not really. Method is an overused term. I’m just trying to get the motivation for the part.”

“Oh like you aren’t making a ton of money? Something else?”

“Now don’t be mean. You writers think our art is so easy since we make it look easy. We take some half backed character you dream up and put real life into your cardboard cutout. We round the character with our own interpretation of behaviors.”

“Yeah I can see that. You take the limp outline which I put on paper then you add some action, scenery and color and voila, a perfect performance.”

“I think you are getting a little carried away. You sound like I am saying acting is more important than writing.”

“Aren’t you?”

“No. I’m just saying without actors the written characterizations mean nothing.”

“Okay how’s this? Your character sometimes gets into a deep depression from having to work with real idiots. He tries to work through his depression by engaging in acts of violence targeted to those who cause him to become depressed in the first place.”

“Oh I like it. A dark character. Does he wear black?”

“Yes he does and in addition, when he is stalking his prey, he puts on black skin-tight gloves.”

“Much like the ones you are putting on?”

“Yes very much like. Then he lays in wait for the fool to make an appearance.”

“Does he have a gun?”

“No, no, no, he uses a long stiletto like this one right here. He grabs the victim from behind and with one quick draw of the knife he severs the jugular and laughs as the sucker dies. Wanna see?”

“Um . . . you are making me feel uncomfortable. Maybe we should call it a day.”

“Oh yeah. Let’s call it a day. In fact, let’s just say you call it . . . and make my day.”

Inspiration is as Inspiration Does – Where Does a Plot Originate Anyway?

February 18, 2014February 17, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 10 Comments

Picture of the USS Lexington CV 16 taken March 1944

As I have indicated before Madi Preda of Author’s promotion put together an interesting set of questions for the author interview which is HERE. The one which caused me to do a complete retrospective on how I actually constructed the story of My GRL was simple enough on the surface: “What sparked the idea of My GRL? In a few words what is the book about?” When I started to concentrate on supplying the answer a whole range of thoughts came into my head. I finally put some organization around them and was able to answer the question. (Short and sweet) Here is a little more background on how the story took shape.

My GRL was not an idea born of concentrated thoughts on any particular subject. The germ of the story was generated when I visited the aircraft carrier Lexington which is moored in Corpus Christi bay. You see, my dad was a naval aviator and served aboard the Lexington during World War II. He was part of the dive bombing squadron taking part in the invasion of Iwo Jima, the sinking of the Japanese Battle Ship Yamato and strikes on the Japanese homeland. Since my dad passed away when I was ten, I was very interested in visiting a place where he served. He was not a direct casualty of the war but died five years later.

It is not often families can be part of the space where loved ones fought to preserve the liberty we enjoy today. The last battles on American soil took place so long ago even the survivors of survivors are no longer with us. Most do not have the resource to travel to the place where epic battles took place involving loved ones as the locations are generally thousands of miles away. The Civil War was about the last time these places of honor were somewhat accessible. The beauty of a large floating ship taking part in the historic battles of World War II is the fact it is docked in the states and can be visited. The trip to the Lexington was in reality a pilgrimage to a memorial to my dad and his service.

While my sister and I were standing on the great flight deck, a thought came to me wondering how a ship like this could be protected should someone want to make a point of destroying her? There are no armaments or defensive systems which could be used to thwart such a move.

After leaving the ship, I began to construct a story on how a group of terrorists could destroy this or any other symbol of America’s naval strength. Once I figured out how it could be done, then it was a matter of developing a way to prevent a disaster from happening which makes up the story line of My GRL. From there, I allowed the protagonist to get involved and shaped the story to a final conclusion.

The general plot came out of one quick observation. The story itself had to be built and as we all know, word by word.

Ten Things Not to do While Completing Your Taxes

February 17, 2014February 15, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 17 Comments

Here is the 33rd installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do While Doing Your Taxes

10. While doing your taxes, do not allow the cat to sit on your keyboard. If you do, at best you may miss a couple of deductions. At worst, your kitty may just add a few zeroes to your tax bill.

9. While doing your taxes, do not have a hot drink sitting on some of your worksheets. If you do, at best you could tip it over and ruin the papers. At worst, you could tip it into your lap and jeopardize your love life till you heal.

8. While doing your taxes, do not allow your do to play with the computer cord. If you do, at best you may run out of battery. At worst you may need to run out to the vet to help Fido overcome his electro shock treatment

7. While doing your taxes, do not allow the family to play video games on your computer between sessions. If you do, at best some memory may disappear. At worst, the IRS may get a Madden football game instead of your 1040.

6. While doing your taxes, do not leave your computer without saving your file. If you do, at best you might have to remember all your half-truths all over again. At worst ,you may be unable to reconstruct your perfect return and might end up owing more that you had planned.

5. While doing your taxes, do not think the IRS is okay with rough guesses or estimates of the numbers. If you do, at best you will never hear from the IRS. At worst, you will have to explain your numbers during an audit to a disbelieving agent with a cattle prod.

4. While doing your taxes, do not forget to sign your return even if you don’t believe it to be true. If you do, At best the return will bounce back. At worst, the lack of signature will trigger a visit from NSA who will want to know all about you.

3. While doing your taxes, do not try to get away without attaching a check if you owe money. If you do, at best the government will send you a nasty note. At worst, you will find out how little a sense of humor the IRS really has.

2. While doing your taxes, do not drink alcohol even if you think it will help. If you do, at best you might be shocked by the amount you deducted. At worst, you may be shocked to find you have already mailed the return on which you took too many deductions.

1. While doing your taxes, do not be discouraged enough to decide not to file. If you do at best you will never sleep again. At worst, you may get your living expenses paid, but will have a roommate who wants to go steady.

TGIF is as TGIF Does

February 14, 2014February 9, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 32 Comments

Friday is here. Happy Valentines day. Feels like we have been pulling a sled packed with tons of ice. Oh wait a minute, we have been pulling such a sled and have new meaning to the term “huddling masses.” I don’t think I have ever been this cold for this long. We normally have temperatures thirty degrees warmer and none of us are prepared for this. We go outside in flip-flops and shorts this time of year. If one were to do that now a frost bite kit should be carried along as well. It is so cold (how cold is it?) I saw a sea-gull trying to hitchhike to Miami. It is so cold, the coyotes have pulled out their human fur wraps. It is so cold, the pelicans have their bills packed with frozen fish. Anyway enough of the Henny Youngman jokes. Here is a Haiku to celebrate the coming spring.

It is damn fridged,

Spring is a far away dream . . .

Beer stays real cold.

Hump Day is as Hump Day Does

February 12, 2014February 11, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 39 Comments

Wednesday is story day to celebrate Hump Day. Since this is Wednesday there will be no exception. Today’s story tells of a young man thinking he has a solution to his problems. I hope you enjoy.

The holdup by John W. Howell ©2104

“Yes Sir, can I help you?”

“Er . . . why yes. I need to make a withdrawal.”

“I can help you with that. Do you have a withdrawal slip filled out, or do you wish for me to do it?”

“N-No I have it fill out. Here take it.”

“Oh my sir. This is not a proper withdrawal slip. This is a note.”

“Y-Yes just follow the instructions.”

“Let me see. It says to put all the money in a bag and don’t tough the alarm. I have a gun and I ain’t afraid to use it.”

“T-That’s what is says alright.”

“Sir I need to help you a bit here. First of all, you don’t want to put in writing you have a gun.”

“W-Why not?”

“When you say something about a gun this crime becomes armed robbery whether or not you have a gun. You see, in this state, the mere belief the perpetrator is armed is just as intimating as if you waved a gun around. Also, you just admitted to the higher offense in writing.”

“Just get the money and cut the chatter.”

“Secondly your note has a number of typos in it. As a substitute school teacher I just don’t have respect for you when you make these kinds of mistakes.”

“Mistakes where?”

“Here see the word ‘tough’ right here. I think you meant ‘touch.’ Don’t touch the alarm. Am I right?”

“Yes, but so what?”

“Also the word ‘ain’t’ should never be used in this context. You should say ‘I am not afraid to use it.’”

‘Well you got that right. I am not afraid to use it.”

“You actually have a gun?”

“Well. . . no not really.”

“Okay here’s what we are going to do. I’m going to tear up this note and give it back to you. You go home and think about what you did today. If you still want to hold up the bank, you come back tomorrow with a proper note. Do you understand young man?”

“Yes ma’am. Sorry ma’am.”

Back Story is as Back Story Does

February 11, 2014June 26, 2024 ~ John W. Howell ~ 15 Comments

I finished a very nice interview with Madi Preda of Author’s Promotion which you can read HERE. One of the questions asked about advice for other writers. I responded: The most important thing about pursuing writing goals is to write. Yes, some planning should be done, but I find most writers who get stuck tend to over think their writing. I don’t know of any writer who has written something they are totally pleased with the first time. It takes a lot of practice to turn out a finished product. My GRL has over 10,000 words I cut before publication. There were scenes overwritten and did not move the story ahead. Those words are not lost, since they were part of the finished product through the learning they gave me. If I had stopped while writing to make sure everything was perfect, I never would have finished. The second most important thing is to be brave enough to be criticized for what is written. Trying to avoid criticism is another killer of writing productivity.

This lead me to also think of some of the back story of My GRL which was part of those words cut. I did a little weaving of the back story back into the novel so the reader had the information necessary to understand the character, but the bulk of the narrative is in a file. The important part is the useful pieces of the back story are there. The boring pieces are part of the character portfolio which has come in handy on the sequel and when people ask questions about the character. (Uh. . . no he is not commitment adverse, he just has not found the right person.)

I attended a seminar this weekend where one of the authors suggested taking your character out of your story context and placing the person in a different situation. The example given was to put your character in a Star Trek scene. If your character is well-developed you should be able to predict how he or she will behave in this or any other situation. I know my character would want to get actively involved with crew in trying to figure out a solution to the problem that Scotty can’t give any more power to solve.(“I’m givin’ her all I can Captain. She’s at warp speed now and any more an I won’t be responsible for what happens.”

So I guess the long and short of the back story is it will serve you well on a number of occasions. You do not necessarily need to write it all in the book.

Top Ten No Nos is as Top Ten No Nos Does

February 10, 2014February 7, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 22 Comments

Here is the 32nd installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Top Ten Things Not To Do for Valentine’s Day

10. For Valentine’s Day, do not get your sweetheart a 10-pound box of chocolates or a case of craft brew when you know your sweetheart made a New Year’s resolution to lose weight. At best, your sweetheart will accept the gift in the spirit in which it was given and just be grateful you even remembered Valentine’s Day. At worst, your sweetheart will eat or drink the whole thing and then make you pay for a new wardrobe when your sweetheart’s pants no longer fit due to the chocolate or beer-fed waistline.

9. For Valentine’s Day, do not send your sweetheart a Charlie Brown kind of rose bouquet or a pound of grass seed as a joke because you think of Valentine’s Day as just another “Hallmark holiday.” At best, your sweetheart has a private office where the offending gift can be hidden until it’s safe to throw it out and you will only be out the price and perhaps one chilly night in the bedroom. At worst, your sweetheart works in a “bullpen” where all coworkers and even middle management can see the pathetic offering and tease about it, resulting in your sweetheart coming home that evening and using the grass seed as porridge or bouquet, thorns and all, to teach you some lessons in respect.

8. For Valentine’s Day, do not take your sweetheart to a restaurant that claims to model itself on Chez Panisse unless you have plenty of cash on hand. At best, the restaurant will have an ATM in its lobby so when you get the bill and realize you had underestimated it by $300, you can quickly and discretely obtain more money. At worst, the nearest ATM is on the other side of town and, to “pay” the bill, you and your sweetheart wind up washing dishes at the restaurant for the rest of your “romantic” evening out.

7. For Valentine’s Day, do not think that Valentine’s Day is the perfect day to attract a certain member of the opposite sex by leaving Valentine’s Day cards and Valentine’s Day candy hearts that say “BE MINE” in every possible place that your adored one chances to be. At best, your adored one will simply think you are nuts, but maybe a little cute. At worst, an officer with an order to cease and desist will show up at your place of business, embarrassing you in front of your coworkers and your
boss and getting you typed as a stalker.

6. For Valentine’s Day, do not get your sweetheart sexy underwear or silk boxers with hearts unless you are certain of the size that your sweetheart wears. If you’re lucky, the sexy underwear or boxers are too small and that will be fine since neither of you expect the underwear to stay on for very long anyway. If you’re unlucky, the sexy underwear or boxers will be too large, and you might be forced to wear it yourself while standing outside on your front lawn in the bright light of day.

5. For Valentine’s Day, do not think that a romantic stay-at-home dinner will be that romantic if you expect your sweetheart to do the cooking and/or cleaning up alone. If you’re lucky, your sweetheart will gently suggest you cook and clean together and extend the romance to nightcaps in the bedroom. If you’re unlucky, your sweetheart will make a reservation for one at a fancy restaurant and leave you home to enjoy your “romantic” dinner by yourself.

4. For Valentine’s Day, do not allow your sweetheart to see or hear advertisements for expensive jewelry and watches for at least one month before Valentine’s Day. At best, your sweetheart will at first resent being kept from the TV and radio, but eventually come to appreciate the extra time for reading. At worst, if you are unsuccessful, your sweetheart might be tempted to go to the local mall on Valentine’s Day, with your credit card, and buy the most expensive Valentine’s Day gift available.

3. For Valentine’s Day, do not wait until the last-minute to buy roses or a tie if you know that’s what your sweetheart likes (and expects). If you’re lucky, you’ll only need to pay twice the cost to get a lovely bunch of roses or tie to your sweetheart before you meet for a romantic dinner. If you’re unlucky with the roses, they will be so far past their bloom that by the time you meet your sweetheart for dinner, most of the petals will have fallen off and you’ll only have some green stems to offer, which your sweetheart will likely plant in your water-glass before storming out of the restaurant. If you’re unlucky with the tie, it will not go with the suit your sweetheart planned to wear and you’ll never see it again.

2. For Valentine’s Day, do not think that an otherwise practical gift with hearts attached or in the color red will suffice for your lack of romantic feeling. At best, your sweetheart will have always wanted a heart-shaped waffle iron or hip flask and will just drop heavy hints for you to do better next year. At worst, your sweetheart will take the heart-shaped waffle iron or flask back to the store and use the refund as well as your credit card to go on a shopping spree, which you will be paying off for many Valentine’s Days to come.

1. For Valentine’s Day, even if you and your sweetheart mutually agree to not participate in the whole gift-giving extravaganza that is also known as VD Day, do not think that making a point to say “I love you” or leave notes to that effect around the house or in your sweetheart’s car will go unappreciated. At worst, your sweetheart will respond in kind. At best, your sweetheart will show appreciation in such ways to make Valentine’s Day your favorite holiday.

Hump Day is as Hump Day Does

February 5, 2014February 3, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 21 Comments

Wednesday is here so we need to give a small “well done” to each of us for making it. I guess we could give each other high two and one halfs. (The five is for Friday). On Fiction Favorites Wednesday is story day. Today is no exception. Today’s story deals with the vagaries of a relationship between two people who seem undecided about their future. Here it is:

“Okay tell me what you think we should do.”

“Darling I never know what to do in this situation.”

“Well . . . I think we only have a couple of choices sweetheart.”

“I agree honey, but I am having trouble figuring out just what those choices are.”

“Yeah. I know what you mean. Think it would help to talk about the alternatives and then do some kind of pro and con analysis?”

“This is why I feel so safe with you my strong man. You always have a solution when we get stuck.”

“Gosh Audrey, you make me blush.”

“Well you know it is true Frank. I need you to help me out of some really potentially embarrassing positions like this.”

“Positions? I don’t understand.”

“Okay call it situations then.”

“Alright here are our options as I see them.”

“Oh I can’t wait.”

“Excuse me can I continue?”

“Please.”

“We can go ahead and try to move into a better position which should allow us to separate ourselves from the present predicament.”

“I guess that is one alternative. What’s another?”

“We could simply stay in our present position and remain stuck where we are.”

“That one doesn’t get us ahead. I say we go for the better position.”

“I agree we don’t even have do a pro or con.”

“Okay you start the move.”

“We each usually have a Grande latte and since this coupon is good for one free one, I say we split the cost rather than one of us getting a free drink and the other having to pay full price.”

“Genius Frank. What a man.”