Top Ten Things Not to Say to Alexa

April 22, 2019April 21, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 79 Comments

Since this week in history has a lot of events that just aren’t funny. I thought I would take a break and go back to the standard Top Ten Things Not to Do. This weeks list is inspired by our own Alexa who is now in charge of our home. I hope you enjoy the list.

10 If you have Alexa, do not ask her to load the dishwasher. If you do, at best she’ll tell you to do it yourself. At worst, she will order all new dishes from Amazon. (Just try to explain your return request to the Amazon rep, Henry. Don’t forget he and Alexa work for the same company.)

9 If you have Alexa, do not ask her to get Tiny the WWF champ on the phone. If you do, at best Tiny will not answer. At worst she’ll make a mistake and call Tiny hiney. (That knock at the door means you are in for a helicopter spin and body slam, Hunter. Lucky for you Alexa gave Tiny your address before she hung up.)

8 If you have Alexa, do not ask her if her clock is running. If you do, at best she’ll not get the joke and tell you the time. At worst, when you say, “better catch it,” to a positive response your lights will not work for the rest of the night. (You have to believe Alexa has no sense of humor, Hector. Now apologize, and maybe you’ll get your lights back.)

7 If you have Alexa, do not ask her age. If you do, at best she’ll sing Happy Birthday. At worst, you will be treated to a five-hour treatise on proper manners is a polite society. (You have to admit, Harold you never knew the one about walking on the left so that carriage wheels will splash mud on you and not your companion. Excuse me. Wake up , Harold.)

6 If you have Alexa, do not give her a shopping list containing any personal items. If you do, at best no one will see the recording. At worst, your listing will be published on the internet and go viral. (Just what did you intend to do with those enhancement pills, Harvey. Whatever it is Ten million people are waiting for an answer.)

5 If you have Alexa, do not ask her to select your music. If you do, at best you’ll be put to sleep. At worst, she will decide to round your education with music and words you never heard before. (Yes, that music is legal, Hank. Yes, it hurts the ears. Yes, that was an f-word.)

4 If you have Alexa, do not ask if she has a family. If you do, at best she won’t understand the question. At worst, you will now have to listen to a story that will make a soap opera seem like a comedy. (It will only be a few more minutes, Hutchinson. Please try to be sympathetic. Your ability to see when it’s dark depends on it.)

3 If you have Alexa, do not ask her to order items from an outlet other than Amazon. If you do, at best she’ll pretend to malfunction. At worst, she’ll try to make sure you don’t make that mistake again. (So what are you going to do with the truckload of cow poop on your driveway, Hubert? Better decide fast. The sun is getting hot.)

2 If you have Alexa, do make an insulting remark if she can’t understand you. If you do, at best you can say you are sorry. At worst, your insult has been recorded and sent to your boss. (An abysmal choice of words, Hudson. This is especially true since your boss is a saintly person.)

1 If you have Alexa, do not ask her to order carry out. If you do, at best the order will only be missing one item. At worst, lost in the translation will be the quantity of each item. (So now what are you going to do with ten pounds of potato salad, Hussein? Let’s not even mention the thirty racks of ribs.)

Friday JohnKu – AKA – TGIF

April 19, 2019April 18, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 49 Comments

“Mom. it’s Friday and Lucy won’t play with me.”
“I’m sure she will. Won’t you Lucy?”
“Man. Close my eyes for one second…”

Another week has flown by. At least for me, it has. I guess if I were hanging upside down tied by the ankles, above an alligator pit, I would have a different view of time. As it is the week seemed short. We were happy to have the dining room chairs arrive. Unique fabric (resistant to the man of the house and napalm.) had to be ordered. Hence the delay. The fence measuring person came out and took all the measurements. We are on the schedule for mid-May, but since we already have the permit and survey, we were told there might be an opportunity for earlier. We are not holding our breath.

We’ve had some beautiful rain, so the drought-like conditions are gone. Since we have very little grass, the rain also produces paw prints unless the pooches get a foot wipe each time out. I am the designated foot-wiper.

I managed to get some words written on my WIP, so I am a happy camper.

Today’s JohnKu talks about what makes us happy. I hope you have a fabulous weekend.

It’s usually small,

A tiny step improvement. . .

But means everything.

Thursday – A Little Personal – Lucy and Twiggy See Changes

April 18, 2019April 17, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 59 Comments

“Man Lucy. So we have new dining room chairs. Why are we posing?”

“You know Mom. She likes to include us in on everything.”

“Hey, Boss. Can we go out?”

“Of course. Here let me get the door. There are changes out there.”

“Lucy. Where are all the leaves?”

“Beats me. It looks like they have been picked up. You and I helped a while ago, and there were so many left.”

“And all the shrubs and bushes. Where are they?”

“I guess they have been removed. Remember what the yard looked like?”

“I do. There were plants everywhere.”

“Yeah, I kinda liked the overgrown look.”

“Want to play ball in the new space?”

“That would be fun. You go out and I’ll toss it to you.”

“Hey, Twiggy. I forgot. I don’t have an opposable thumb.”

“I wondered how you were going to throw it.”

“Well, I could stalk it, pounce on it, put it in my mouth, and run it over to you.”

“That sounds like fun.”

“Whoops. I think I heard the kibble bag open.”

“Seriously? Let’s go. I’m starved.”

“What about the ball game.”

“Tomorrow. Today we eaT.”

Tuesday – Anything Possible – A Story

April 16, 2019April 15, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 44 Comments

Since Keith Channing is off buying a house in England and does not have a prompt this week, I thought I would tell you a story. I hope you like it.

This is a fable of sorts. Yes, it begins with once upon a time but is a little different from most. You see the time was yesterday. Here’s what happened. This guy whose name was Mortimer was walking on the beach. He was taking in the salt air and enjoying the sand between his toes. Mort did not have a care in the world. He had long ago made peace with the fact that he was an ordinary man. He no longer made any pretense about working hard and getting rewarded for doing so. You see, old Mort had worked hard his whole life and in his mind never got a thing for it. Yes, he was able to feed and clothe himself but never felt he had enough money to court a potential spouse or buy any luxuries.

Mort lived from hand to mouth. When he was young, he dreamed about the time when he would be a big boss. He had a belief that the road to success was paved with loyalty and dedication. He became whatever his boss wanted him to be. He came in early and left late. He finished all assignments on time and with as much quality as Mort’s abilities could deliver. Time after time when the opportunity for a promotion arose the job went to someone else.

Mort, although disappointed, kept up appearances of a loyal and dedicated employee. He never expressed his true feelings. Year after year the same thing occurred. Boss after boss praised his work, but when it came time for a step up, he was passed over.

The day finally came where Mort worked up the courage to ask his boss the reason he never got a promotion. His boss seemed surprised by the question. Mort could see his surprise and inquired as to the purpose. The boss looked a little embarrassed but when pressed by Mort confessed that Mort was such a good worker that they would never have been able to replace him. Mort was so shocked by the double indignation of the boss’ admission and the unfairness of being irreplaceable that he rose from the chair and resigned.

Mort was strolling the beach thinking about what to have for dinner. He still had some Redfish in the freezer and was concocting in his mind a Beurre Blanc sauce. While lost in the thought of shallots Mort stumbled over a heavy object in the sand. He dropped to his knees and brushed the sand away. To his amazement, he uncovered a substantial brass urn. He dragged the urn out of the hole and on close inspection he could see a cover on top of the urn. He placed his hands around the cover, and like he was working a new jar of pickles, he finally got the cover to move. To his surprise, the cover began to move on its own. He jumped back and finally, the cover fell and stuck upright in the sand as if it were a discus.

Mort held his breath while a vapor rose from the urn like a well-trained snake. He couldn’t help himself as he began to feel weak in the knees. He soon was aware of his whole body shaking his inability to control it.

“Hey, Mort.” Came the voice from deep in the urn.”

“Y-yes.” Mort answered, but it wasn’t his finest response.”

“You get a wish.”

“I-I do?”

“Yup. It’s the old free the genie deal. One wish and I’m on my way.”

“I want to be a boss.”

“Granted.”

“Just like that?”

“Yup. You are now a boss.”

“Wait. Who do I boss?”

“Not my deal.”

“What?”

“Surely you have read enough genie stories where the genie grants a wish and the client forgot to include important facts.”

“Like who to boss?”

“Exactamundo.”

“Can I get a do-over?”

“Ha ha ha. No.”

“So I’m boss over nothing?”

“I wouldn’t sell yourself short.”

“So I’m boss over me.”

“A lot can’t say that.”

“You’ve given me a lot to think about.”

“How many do you think feel they are their own boss.”

“You should be giving self-improvement seminars.”

“Great suggestion. I gotta go.”

“Can I go with you?”

“You don’t need me. You have you and a great boss.”

“Wow. See you then. I have some orders to give.”

So needless to say, Mort lived happily ever after. The genie is still doing seminars on cruise ships.

Views of the Neighborhood – Lakeway Air Park

April 14, 2019April 13, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 68 Comments

There are several amazing things in Lakeway. One of them is an airport smack dab in the middle of houses and a golf course. The airport was originally used as a landing strip for a ranch. In 1964 a 3200-foot runway was built to support air interests of residents and later expanded to 3,983 feet. It is a private airport and receives no government funds. Operations are supported by fuel sales and landing fees. I hope you enjoy a look around.

Here is an aerial view of the park. There are eight homes that have driveways connected to the runway. They are on the left.

A ground view looking South.

This is the central building. entrance is by keycode.

A sign explaining the fees. Note that the fee box is by the front door and compliance is the honor system backed up by a camera.

How much for aviation fuel? $4.02 a gallon here. 100 is the octane level and LL stands for low lead. This fuel is good for piston driven engines. Jet fuel is not available at the air park.

Here is a sign with some information about the airport. To the left is the elevation of the field (905 feet) to the right is the airport common frequency. This is used so pilots can communicate their position to other pilots in the area. This airport does not have a controller so awareness of other aircraft is important. The first item should be cause for concern. Deer on the runway are not a good thing. The second indicates this airport is not lighted so operations are restricted to daylight hours only. The third explains the landing pattern has a left hand approach at 1900 feet Mean Sea Level (A measurement against a calculated sea level standard) So, if you are intending to land your approach to the airport needs to be on the left side of the runway and at 1900 feet. If all planes use the same method collesions are avoided. The next advisory says upon take off pilots should stay on the runway heading until a mile away and at least 400 feet (Above the Ground) altitude. Let’s assume the take off heading is 340 degrees the pilot would hold the 340 degree heading until 400 feet AGL and one mile. No touch and go’s which means no practice take off and landings. The last one which says use at own risk is self-explanatory.

The last shot is of an airplane taxing toward the fuel station. Those bright spots on the wing tips are strobe lights. The propeller doesn’t look like it is moving thanks to my super-fast camera phone. You can see the houses located with access to the runway in the background. Way off to the left is a group of golfers getting ready to T-off.

Hope you enjoyed the visit.

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt “Lip.”

April 13, 2019April 12, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

It is Stream of Consciousness Saturday time again and this weeks prompt is “lip.” Yeah, that’s right, lip. Anyway, Linda Hills says we can use the word alone or as part of another word. For example, Lipshitz. If you would like to join in and perhaps send yourself over the edge, visit Linda’s blog and read how easy it is. Here is the link.

The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS April 13/19

“Can you stop with the elliptical for a minute.”

“You want me to stop? Any more weight gain and I’ll need liposuction.”

“Save the lip, I need to talk to you.”

“Your speech is clipped, and brow furrowed, my friend.”

“Your machine makes so much noise. I don’t want my words to slip into oblivion.”

“Okay. I’ve stopped. What is it that has your pants in a backflip?”

“There is a millipede in my bed.”

“So what? They are so lilliputian; you can just brush them away.”

“Not this one. He was huge and did a backflip over my footboard.”

“So you could call him flippant?”

“Come on. I need you to get rid of the flipper.”

“Can you lipread?”

“Well, if you liplike in English.”

“Read my lips. Not going to happen no way no how.”

“You are slipping in your landlord duties.”

“See this clipboard?”

“It is filled with newspaper employment ad clippings.”

“Tells you my job search is not slipshod.”

“So you are not the landlord, slippery one?”

“Not even a blip on the landlord radar.”

“I hope your lipids freeze.”

“Ouch.”

Friday JohnKu – AKA – TGIF

April 12, 2019April 11, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 62 Comments

“Okay, Little One it’s Friday. Time to ruckus.”
“You make the first move, Lucy. Then I’ll pulverize ya.”

Another fast Friday for me. Seems these weeks are flying. It becomes hard to remember just what went on for the week. I do know we received two area rugs which were welcome additions to the house.

We were pleased to get a permit and final approval for the fence. The company will start building about the 15th of May. They were totally booked by the time the details were worked out.

We had about one and a half inches of rain last weekend which pointed out the need for gutters at key points of the house. The rain came off the roof in torrents, and it was hard to get out the door without being drenched. We need to find a gutter and downspout contractor.

Our landscaping plan includes a deck which will require a permit. So we are also in the hunt for a deck builder.

Like most things connected with a move there becomes a seemingly endless list of items.

Today’s JohnKu talks about how lists seem to grow on their own. I hope you all have a glorious weekend.

To Do Lists by John W. Howell

It starts with one thing,

Then just a small addition . . .

Soon too long to do.

Tuesday – Anything Possible – Whatever It Takes – The New Psychological Thriller by Suzanne Burke

April 9, 2019April 5, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 50 Comments

I am so pleased to have as my guest Suzanne Burke who is here to tell you about her new release. Her book is on pre-order from now to May 8th at a terrific price. I was fortunate to be able to read her manuscript and can tell you this is a must not miss story. Let me stop blabbing and turn the post over to Soooz.

Whatever It Takes

by S.Burke

Available to Pre-Order NOW. At the special Pre-order price of $0.99c
Release Date: May 8th, 2019
>Psychological > Thriller & Suspense >.

It is such an exciting time for an author when releasing a new book! I would be remiss in not sharing my heartfelt thanks to the marvelous people who gave of their time so readily to beta read my latest book. Their valuable insights helped me enormously when crafting “Whatever It Takes” A big thank you to my wonderful editor and friend Rich Bowden @Bowden_Writing

At long last, I’m able to share the cover and blurb for “Whatever It Takes” my latest Psychological Thriller. “Whatever It Takes ” is due for release on May 8th, 2019.

It is NOW available for Pre-Order at the special Pre-Order price of $0:99

I have many good friends sharing this cover across the blogosphere today and tomorrow, so you’re likely to see it pop up in various places. Thank you to the marvelously generous hosts participating in my cover reveal splash, and to everyone dropping by to share in my excitement. Here’s my new baby . . .

With much gratitude to Eeva Lancaster at The Book Khaleesi for the cover creation.

Cover Created by Eeva Lancaster at The Book Khalessi

And now the cover …

Whatever it Takes Book Cover for all posts.

BOOK BLURB

James Kincaid had it all.

He’d made it the ‘A’ list in Hollywood, a town that prized and idolized its winners above all else.

Then life began exacting a price that no man could be expected to pay as the people he cared about began dying and dying badly.

He couldn’t move on with the dream without knowing why.

Andi O’Connor is the woman he’s hired to do ‘whatever it takes’ to find him the answers.

Could this disenchanted, street-hardened, ex-homicide cop uncover the truth without adding to the growing list of those already sacrificed on the altar of a serial killer’s insanity?

From New York to Los Angeles the body count continues to rise.

Time is not on their side.

***

Prologue.

James Kincaid had long-held to the belief that the red carpet he’d walked so often was stained that color with the blood of all those that had bled on the journey to satisfy their heady and addictive dreams of fame.

He’d shed more than his own fair share to get there. He hated the dream destruction, as much as he understood it. This town drew dreamers from every place on the planet, all in need of completion, all hungry for fame and holding on for dear life to the belief that it was only a matter of time before their artistic genius was recognized. No other drug ever gave them that high pulsing adrenaline rush that you soon became reliant on and addicted to. Those first glimpses of recognition hit harder than heroin. Until even those with a strong moral compass became lost.

Lady Luck had become his constant companion only five years before. After twelve years struggling to make headway in the business he became the latest ‘overnight’ sensation, winning the coveted role in what was tipped strongly to be the next ‘big thing’. He knew he could do justice to the part and that knowledge became abundantly clear as the audition cameras rolled.

James Kincaid found himself launched into the stratosphere. This was the only game in town and he was now a lead player.

He was feted and celebrated, pimped out and postured until the day when everything in his world fell into an oxygen-deprived free fall as people he cared about started dying from anything but natural causes.

Pre-Order Whatever It Takes HERE on Amazon

Suzanne Burke Amazon Author Page

On TWITTER.

On Facebook.

My Blog

Thank you so much for joining in my excitement. Your support is very much appreciated.

I would be delighted to hear your thoughts and comments below.

Tuesday – Anything Possible – Kreative Kue #213 by Keith Channing

April 2, 2019April 1, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 43 Comments

In Keith’s words.

“Using this photo (below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before 6pm next Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here.

Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. ~~I shall display the entries next Monday.~~

There won’t be a Kreative Kue for a couple of weeks – it seems someone is rather keen (and in a hurry) to buy our home here in France. Next week, we’ll be heading to the north of England in an effort to identify a house to live in after we have to leave this one! The next scheduled Kreative Kue will be on Easter Monday, 22nd April.”

The photo.

“Hey, Charlie. Whatcha doing?”

“It looks pretty obvious.”

“So tell me.”

“I’m trying to decide on calling the fire department or not.”

“For this little fire?”

“Yes for this little fire. I’m getting concerned.”

“Concerned? About what? It looks like it’s under control. A few branches is all.”

“It may appear to be that to you. There’s a deeper issue.”

“My goodness. Sounds sinister.”

“Don’t laugh. It is sinister.”

“Oh come on. Looks the fire is starting to die down.”

“That’s what I thought about a half hour ago.”

“So this thing has been burning for a half hour?”

“Longer than that.”

“That does seem a little strange. It doesn’t seem like there is enough wood to keep it going for that long.”

“Now you are beginning to get a sense of my worry.”

“Other than that it still seems quite normal.”

“Except for one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“I didn’t start the fire.”

“Come again? What do you mean you didn’t start the fire?”

“I came out here to light this brush—”

“So you did start the fire.”

“Let me finish, will you?”

“Go ahead.”

“I came out here to light this brush, and when I got here, I realized I forgot my matches.”

“Sounds like you. So how did you get the brush lit?”

“That’s just it. While reaching in my pockets for a light and realizing I had forgotten the matches I said, “Hey brush. You gotta light?”

“Don’t tell me.”

“Yup. The brush ignited. Just like that.”

“And has been burning ever since.”

“Now you understand.”

“I think we need to do something.”

“Okay. I’m glad you feel the same as I do.”

“Repeat after me.”

“Huh? I was thinking of calling the fire department.”

“No, forget that. I have a feeling you are gifted, and we should act fast before the gift goes away. Repeat after me. “Hey, brush.”

“I don’t get it but okay, “Hey, Brush.”

“You gotta beer?”

“You gotta beer? You are a jerk. You know that?”

“You want one?”

Thursday – A Little Personal – Lucy and Twiggy In the Yard

March 28, 2019March 27, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 64 Comments

“Here is how we keep watch, Little Potato.”

“I have my Bulldog stance perfected.”

“Yeah, you look great.”

“Thanks but I can’t hold it forever.”

“Well, nothing wrong with taking a rest.”

“But I’m not as fierce.”

“Hold on. I think I see something. Be right back.”

“Let me know if it is something dangerous.”

“Naw. It was nothing but a guy with a leaf blower.”

“He wouldn’t have heard me bark anyway. Glad I didn’t waste it.”

“I think we ought to take a break now. We’ve been on duty at least an hour.”

“Yeah, a quick rest is all I need.”

“Don’t be eating any of that mulch now.”

“That was the old me. I don’t do that anymore.”

“What are you doing?”

“Combo back scratch and sunbath.”

“Looks fun. How do you do it?”

“Flop on your back, stick your tongue out and kick up your feet.”

“Yeah, you lost me at flop on your back. I can’t do that.”

“I’ll bet you can.”

“Nope legs too short.

“How about I knock you over?”

“See this is as close as I get.”

“Poor puppy.”

Whatever It Takes

by S.Burke

Available to Pre-Order NOW. At the special Pre-order price of $0.99c Release Date: May 8th, 2019 >Psychological > Thriller & Suspense >.

Available to Pre-Order NOW. At the special Pre-order price of $0.99c
Release Date: May 8th, 2019
>Psychological > Thriller & Suspense >.