Top Ten Things Not to Say to Alexa

~ John W. Howell

 

Alexa

Since this week in history has a lot of events that just aren’t funny. I thought I would take a break and go back to the standard Top Ten Things Not to Do. This weeks list is inspired by our own Alexa who is now in charge of our home. I hope you enjoy the list.

Top Ten Things Not to Say to Alexa

10 If you have Alexa, do not ask her to load the dishwasher. If you do, at best she’ll tell you to do it yourself. At worst, she will order all new dishes from Amazon. (Just try to explain your return request to the Amazon rep, Henry. Don’t forget he and Alexa work for the same company.)

9 If you have Alexa, do not ask her to get Tiny the WWF champ on the phone. If you do, at best Tiny will not answer. At worst she’ll make a mistake and call Tiny hiney. (That knock at the door means you are in for a helicopter spin and body slam, Hunter. Lucky for you Alexa gave Tiny your address before she hung up.)

8 If you have Alexa, do not ask her if her clock is running. If you do, at best she’ll not get the joke and tell you the time. At worst, when you say, “better catch it,” to a positive response your lights will not work for the rest of the night. (You have to believe Alexa has no sense of humor, Hector. Now apologize, and maybe you’ll get your lights back.)

7 If you have Alexa, do not ask her age. If you do, at best she’ll sing Happy Birthday. At worst, you will be treated to a five-hour treatise on proper manners is a polite society. (You have to admit, Harold you never knew the one about walking on the left so that carriage wheels will splash mud on you and not your companion. Excuse me. Wake up , Harold.)

6 If you have Alexa, do not give her a shopping list containing any personal items. If you do, at best no one will see the recording. At worst, your listing will be published on the internet and go viral. (Just what did you intend to do with those enhancement pills, Harvey. Whatever it is Ten million people are waiting for an answer.)

5 If you have Alexa, do not ask her to select your music. If you do, at best you’ll be put to sleep. At worst, she will decide to round your education with music and words you never heard before. (Yes, that music is legal, Hank. Yes, it hurts the ears. Yes, that was an f-word.)

4 If you have Alexa, do not ask if she has a family. If you do, at best she won’t understand the question. At worst, you will now have to listen to a story that will make a soap opera seem like a comedy. (It will only be a few more minutes, Hutchinson. Please try to be sympathetic. Your ability to see when it’s dark depends on it.)

3 If you have Alexa, do not ask her to order items from an outlet other than Amazon. If you do, at best she’ll pretend to malfunction. At worst, she’ll try to make sure you don’t make that mistake again. (So what are you going to do with the truckload of cow poop on your driveway, Hubert? Better decide fast. The sun is getting hot.)

2 If you have Alexa, do make an insulting remark if she can’t understand you. If you do, at best you can say you are sorry. At worst, your insult has been recorded and sent to your boss. (An abysmal choice of words, Hudson. This is especially true since your boss is a saintly person.)

1 If you have Alexa, do not ask her to order carry out. If you do, at best the order will only be missing one item. At worst, lost in the translation will be the quantity of each item. (So now what are you going to do with ten pounds of potato salad, Hussein? Let’s not even mention the thirty racks of ribs.)

79 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Say to Alexa”

  2. Oh goodness, I don’t have an Alexa and doubt I ever will. I have enough trouble figuring out the basics of social media. 😀 Enjoy the day!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Well, John, for me the one and only thing to do with Alexa is never ever get one. I’m not willingly getting a snopping-device into my house. I’m being spied on enough as it is.
    Have a great Easter Monday,
    Pit

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Maybe, then, I should change my mind and have her do the lights because even after 5 1/2 years here in the house I still usually hit the wrong light switch first. I turn the lights on and off through a process of trial and error. 😀

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    1. As to Siri: when my wife got her first iPone, we fooled around with Siri some, and the following dialogue happened:

      Siri: “What can I do for you?”
      Me: “I have no idea.”
      Siri (in the sweetest of voices): “Don’t you worry. I’m here to help you.”

      At that, my wife and I broke out in laughter, and thus ended our one and only experience with Siri.

      Liked by 2 people

  17. Funny list! Not sure I’d add Alexa but I like the idea of verbally turning things on in the house but not another thing always listening to me:)

    Liked by 1 person

  19. HaHa, John. I do have an Alexa, and I find her most interesting. Helpful, even, occasionally. Not particularly enamored of the snooping, but I figure *”they”* already know I’m a writer — or just weird — by my Google searches!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. I’ll never have an Alexa nor a Google Whatsit – I’d be too afraid all my stuff would go out into the ether.
    However, that said, way fun stuff!

    Liked by 1 person

  23. No Alexa for me, but I was greatly amused in the early days by radio hosts who got heated phone calls after using her name on the air. Devices were turning on all over Houston — it really was hilarious. Eventually, the radio guys learned.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. We have opted NOT to have an Alexa – she orders things for little kids making requests and I’ve heard that she records private conversations that are transcribed and read by a group of people supposedly tasked with improving her system. Yeah, right!

    Liked by 1 person

  29. I loved this post, John! We have Siri in our house and (so far) he’s a great help. Yes, I gave him gender reassignment because I couldn’t understand him when he was female! I’m thinking I may experiment with him using your list!

    Liked by 1 person

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