The inspiration for this list has been a number of discussions held with contractors lately. Hope you like it.

10 Do not say to a contractor, “I’m in no rush.” If you do, at best the job will take longer than you could conceive. At worst, you’ll be on the bottom of the list of clients and your job might get done before you retire. (The fact that you are only forty is not comforting, Desmond.)

9 Do not say to a contractor, “I want your best price.” If you do, at best the bid will only be ten percent more than it would have been. At worst, your bid will come out somewhere North of what you expected to pay to rebuild the house let alone do repairs. (Hang on to that defibrillator, Dalton. You may need it when the actual bill is presented given all the change orders.)

8 Do not say to a contractor, “I have another bid to compare with yours.” If you do, at best you will actually get his bid. At worst, you will wait for a bid that will never come since the contractor figured you would take the other one anyway. (That strategy didn’t work well did it, Darren?)

7 Do not say to a contractor, “I really don’t know what I want.” If you do at best, it will cost plenty to find out. At worst, you may spend a lot of money and finally know what you don’t want. (That is sure an ugly addition don’t you think, Dustin?)

6 Do not say to a contractor, “Do what you think is best.” If you do, at best what is best for the contractor is best for you. At worst, what is best for the contractor is to send his child to college on the proceeds from your job. (Should have asked more questions, Davis.)

5 Do not say to a contractor, “I don’t mind a little dust.” If you do, at best your vacuum will keep up. At worst, you’ll find yourself in the ER with advanced symptoms of asthma. (You should have known when all the workers were wearing respirators, Deacon.)

4 Do not say to a contractor, “We get up early.” If you do, at best early is eight o’clock to the contractor. At worst, first light will bring you the wake-up sound of a skill saw in the next room. (Establishing the work hours might have been wise, Dwayne.)

3 Do not say to a contractor, “We can do without water for as long as it takes to fix.” If you do, at best the fix will be quick. At worst, the water will be shut off on Friday at three in the afternoon and the job is finished that next Monday at nine o’clock AM. (A nice long weekend without water for a three-hour repair is not a bad trade-off, right Darrell?)

2 Do not say to a contractor, “Help yourself to soft drinks and water.” If you do, at best there will be use only when needed. At worst, you didn’t realize that the contractor’s city-wide crew numbered thirty and you were out of liquid by noon. (Should have set a limit huh, Devan?)

1 Do not say to a contractor, “Sure you can come back later and finish that little job.” If you do, at best you’ve held back some money and it does get done. At worst, you paid the whole bill and it has been three months without a return phone call. (Good luck with that little job. Maybe you can hire another contractor to do it, Duane.”

The inspiration for this list has been my exposure to a number of excuses as to why things have not been fixed. Even worse were the excuses for not showing up.

10 If you need an excuse for not showing up, do not say “I got too busy.” If you do at best you won’t be invited back. At worst, you will have convinced your customer that they are last in your priority scheme. (Sooner or later you will run out of customers, Bardot.)

9 If you need an excuse for missing a birthday, Do not say, “You never age in my eyes.” If you do, at best your birthday will be payback. At worst, you’ll have a long time until forgiveness. (How’s that dog house in the winter, Bastian?)

8 If you need an excuse for being late for work, do not say, “Traffic was heavy today.” If you do, at best the boss will wonder why your co-works all made it on time. At worst, you’ll open yourself to the suggestion that you car pool with Tiny the WWF champ who like to eat garlic sandwiches for breakfast. (That gas mask just doesn’t help does it, Bennet?)

7 If you need an excuse for not buying Girl Scout cookies, do not say,” I just bought some at work.” If you do and have not, at best you’ll be found out. At worst, the scout you turned down will miss her quota by one box and will be shamed into a life of crime. (Okay maybe a little dramatic, Bertie but think of the hurt feelings.)

6 If you need an excuse for avoiding inviting the boss for dinner, do not say, “We have black mold at our house.” If you do, at best you’ll be eating your lunch alone. At worst, your boss will insist on a decontamination procedure that will leave you hairless. (Don’t worry Brandon, most of the hair will grow back over time. Sorry about that patch up front.)

5 If you need an excuse  for a dented rental car, do not say, “I have no idea how that got there.” If you do, at best you’ll be ignored. At worst, your insurance company will add an increment to your premium reflecting stupidity. (Should have just admitted someone hit the car huh, Brock?)

4 If you need an excuse when caught re-gifting to the person who gifted you in the first place, do not say, “I loved this and you so much I wanted you to have it back.” If you do, at best your pants will catch on fire. At worst, your ex friend will most likely throw the item at you. (You are glad it wasn’t that bar bell set you were going to palm off on him, right Bartlett?)

3 If you need an excuse when pulled over by the police for speeding, do not say, “I’ll bet you want to remind me about the policeman’s ball.” If you do, at best the officer won’t hear you. At worst, your words could be understood as offering a bribe. (Those cuffs behind the back are uncomfortable aren’t they, Barty?)

2 If you need an excuse for coming home at two o’clock in the morning smelling like a brewery do not say, “I was working late.” If you do, at best all conversation will stop until the morning. At worst, the morning conversation will be accompanied by the headache and upset stomach commonly associated with a hangover. (Why didn’t you just admit you partied too much, Buford?)

1 If you need an excuse for avoiding a visit to the in-laws do not say, “I have to work.” If you do, at best you’ll be ignored. At worst, since it is Sunday you’ll be caught in a fib which will take on increasingly larger proportions as the day gets longer. (How will you ever work out of this one, Belvin?)