Top Ten Things Not to Do on St. Patrick’s Day

March 17, 2014March 15, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 16 Comments

Here is the 37th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to do on Saint Patrick’s Day

10. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not dye any of your body hair green. If you do, at best, you will get strange looks and a possible reprimand from your boss. At worst, you will have to live with the color until the hair grows out or your divorce is final, whichever comes first.

9. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not try to wish everyone a happy day with a made up Irish brogue. If you do, at best, you might offend a genuine Irish person. At worst, the genuine Irish person offended might just be the local police officer.

8. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not believe you need to bring your homemade corned beef and cabbage to the office to share. If you do, at best, you might have coworkers avoiding your cube since the smell of cabbage might lead them to believe it is something else. At worst, the hazmat team from office services will have foamed down your work area before you have a chance to explain.

7. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not think Guinness stout drinks just like any other beer when you go out to celebrate with your coworkers. If you do, at best, you might have to find a ride home. At worst, you might have to rehearse your apology for the coworkers and your boss in an effort to salvage your job.

6. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not sing your favorite limericks no matter how innocent you believe them to be. If you do, at best, you will start a round of Limericks that aren’t so innocent. At worst, the local authorities will be called in to calm the disturbance reported by those within earshot of what can best be described as X-rated songs.

5. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not follow the suggestion of a coworker to play a Leprechaun at the cake and coffee gathering. If you do, at best, you will be the laughing-stock till next year. At worst, you will be asked by your boss to play the leprechaun at the family St. Patrick’s Day picnic and there is still snow on the ground.

4. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not wish everyone Erin Go Bragh unless you know what it means. If you don’t know what it means and you say it to the wrong person, at best, you may get some weird looks. At worst, you may find your self embroiled in a political battle with someone with a different view.

3. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not think Bushnell’s in coffee is no more harmful than sugar. If you do, at best, you may find yourself slurring your words when you say Erin Go Bragh. At worst, you may find yourself totally wide awake and unable to find your way home.

2. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not put any kind of green-colored hat on your head. If you do, at best, you will look ridiculous. At worst, there will be several photos snapped that you will pay large sums to have deleted.

1. On St. Patrick’s Day, do not drink anything green. If you do, at best, you will have the lips of a lizard. At worst, you will need to schedule a dentist appointment to have your teeth restored to their original color unless you plan to attend a vampire convention.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Getting a Negative Review

March 10, 2014March 7, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 16 Comments

Here is the 36th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do If Your Book Gets a Negative Review

10. If your book gets a negative review, do not read the review, especially if the rating is one star. At best, the reviewer will admit the review is based on having read only a couple of pages of your book and you can chide yourself for even bothering to read one word of the review. At worst, you will read the review so many times you can quote it by heart, begin to believe it, and eventually get one star tattooed on your back to atone for imagined errors in your career choice.

9. If your book gets a negative review, do not respond to the review in any way. If you do, at best, the reviewer will ignore your comments and let others decide if you just have a case of sour grapes. At worst, the reviewer will take great delight in responding to your comments, goading you into an outraged frenzy whereupon the website will block you from seeing any more reviews.

8. If your book gets a negative review, do not search for and then comment on other books that the reviewer has reviewed. Even if you have read those books, at best, you will be taking precious time away from your writing just to get even with the reviewer. At worst, the reviewer will realize it is you and seek a court injunction on the grounds that you are unstable as evidenced by you spending so much more time reviewing other books rather than writing one.

7. If your book gets a negative review, do not ask your family or friends to target the reviewer with their own commentaries. If you do, at best, the reviewer will just ignore them and eventually they will lose interest. At worst, they will all end up in an unsightly battle of words and then they will all get banned from the website and your family and friends will turn on you like a wounded Leopard.

6. If your book gets a negative review, do not assume a false identity and write reviews of your book to counter the negative review. If you do, at best, no one will know it’s you and eventually you will just feel as if you are a loser. (You think?). At worst, someone will uncover your identity and both you and your book will be pulled from the websites, leaving your readers to think you’ve been arrested or kidnapped..

5. If your book gets a negative review, do not start a campaign against negative reviews, using the negative review as an example. At best, the campaign will quickly fizzle out as so many do without the reviewer ever knowing about it. At worst, the reviewer will see your campaign and accuse you of libel, slapping you with a lawsuit so expensive you will be doomed to write PR copy for the Russians full-time for the rest of your life in order to pay it off.

4. If your book gets a negative review, do not think that you should suddenly switch genres just because one reviewer doesn’t “get” your book. If you do, at best, you might discover writing erotica causes you to take too many breaks during the day so you can try out scenes with your significant other and so your productivity suffers. At worst, you might discover that while you may now enjoy writing erotica, you can’t get your children’s literature agent or any publisher’s interest in your new book.

3. If your book gets a negative review, do not take the reviewer’s advice to quit writing and take up dishwashing as an occupation. At best, the long hours at the sink will only cause your imagination to go into high gear and you’ll be back to writing within a few days. At worst, your brain will turn to mush from the boring drudgery and by the time you can retire from said occupation, you will have forgotten how you got stuck as a dishwasher in the first place.

2. If your book gets a negative review, do not think one bad review trumps all your positive reviews. If you do, at best, your faithful readers will not mind you’ve suddenly changed narrative styles because you are talented in any style you choose. At worst, you will find yourself writing only for the one reviewer who really doesn’t care about you or your books anyway, and your readers will have to organize an intervention to keep you from reading any more negative reviews.

1. If your book gets a negative review, do not stop writing. If you do, at best, you will suddenly have more time on your hands than you know what to do with. At worst, you will disappoint your readers and they will accuse you of emulating J.D. Salinger, which of course you cannot afford to do until you actually become J. D. Salinger.

Ten Things Not to Do at the DMV

March 3, 2014February 28, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 14 Comments

Here is the 35th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Spending Time in the DMV

10. When spending time in the DMV, do not show any sign of impatience. If you do, at best, the clerks will slow service just to see you sweat. At worst, you will need a defillibrator to restart your heart after you go apoplectic from missing your turn because you forgot to take a number.

9. When spending time in the DMV, make sure all your paperwork is complete before your number is called. If you don’t, at best, the clerks will have a good laugh sending you back to the end of the queue. At worst, you will be tempted to say something like “Really?” in a heavily sarcastic voice which will result in you being banned from the DMV for the day.

8. When spending time in the DMV, make certain you do not leave the room until your number is called. If you do, at best, your number will be called the second you leave and you’ll rush back in time. At worst, your number will be called and the next person served and you will need to wait until your number comes up again in a week.

7. When spending time in the DMV, be careful on what and how much you drink. If you don’t, at best, you will experience number eight while visiting the restroom. At worst, you will try to gut it out and the clerks will be able to tell you are in a dire situation and prolong your agony according to number ten.

6. When spending time in the DMV, do not arrive during the hours of eleven and two. If you do, at best, you will be subject to the lunch hour slowdown and have a longer wait. At worst, you will be caught in a never-ending situation with only one clerk at a time working while the rest go out for drinks and to celebrate the hundredth slow down heart attack of the month.

5. When spending time in the DMV, make sure you bring something to read other than your phone, kindle or tablet. If you don’t, at best, you will be forced to ask your neighbor for something to read since the DMV is a digital dead zone. At worst, you will be forced to watch the slowly moving clerks for hours on end who appear to be sharing the same “look at this” joke and working two and three together on one problem.

4. When spending time in the DMV, do not make eye contact with any humans in the room. If you do, at best, you will be asked to help with someone’s paperwork. At worst, you’ll have to hear some sad story of why this person needs to get back to work to support the sick family and a request to trade places which you will find hard to turn down.

3. When spending time in the DMV, do not talk to any human beings in the room. If you do, at best, you will need to endure the endless complaining on the slowness of the system. At worst, you may find yourself in the company of someone who is getting ready to crack under the DMV waiting pressure.

2. When spending time in the DMV, do not dress in your finest. If you do, at best, you will be subject to endless requests for “just a dollar so I can get my license.” At worst, you might be asked to hand over all your money by a serious looking gent who swears he has a gun in his pants.

1. When spending time in the DMV, do not attempt to numb your pain with any kind of substance, controlled or otherwise. If you do, at best, you might fall asleep and miss the call of your number. At worst, you might end up on the six and eleven o’clock news leading a riot in the DMV which seemed like a good idea at the time you were leading it.

Ten Things Not to do While Completing Your Taxes

February 17, 2014February 15, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 17 Comments

Here is the 33rd installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do While Doing Your Taxes

10. While doing your taxes, do not allow the cat to sit on your keyboard. If you do, at best you may miss a couple of deductions. At worst, your kitty may just add a few zeroes to your tax bill.

9. While doing your taxes, do not have a hot drink sitting on some of your worksheets. If you do, at best you could tip it over and ruin the papers. At worst, you could tip it into your lap and jeopardize your love life till you heal.

8. While doing your taxes, do not allow your do to play with the computer cord. If you do, at best you may run out of battery. At worst you may need to run out to the vet to help Fido overcome his electro shock treatment

7. While doing your taxes, do not allow the family to play video games on your computer between sessions. If you do, at best some memory may disappear. At worst, the IRS may get a Madden football game instead of your 1040.

6. While doing your taxes, do not leave your computer without saving your file. If you do, at best you might have to remember all your half-truths all over again. At worst ,you may be unable to reconstruct your perfect return and might end up owing more that you had planned.

5. While doing your taxes, do not think the IRS is okay with rough guesses or estimates of the numbers. If you do, at best you will never hear from the IRS. At worst, you will have to explain your numbers during an audit to a disbelieving agent with a cattle prod.

4. While doing your taxes, do not forget to sign your return even if you don’t believe it to be true. If you do, At best the return will bounce back. At worst, the lack of signature will trigger a visit from NSA who will want to know all about you.

3. While doing your taxes, do not try to get away without attaching a check if you owe money. If you do, at best the government will send you a nasty note. At worst, you will find out how little a sense of humor the IRS really has.

2. While doing your taxes, do not drink alcohol even if you think it will help. If you do, at best you might be shocked by the amount you deducted. At worst, you may be shocked to find you have already mailed the return on which you took too many deductions.

1. While doing your taxes, do not be discouraged enough to decide not to file. If you do at best you will never sleep again. At worst, you may get your living expenses paid, but will have a roommate who wants to go steady.

Top Ten No Nos is as Top Ten No No’s Does

January 27, 2014January 25, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 19 Comments

Here is the 30th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy

Top Ten things Not to do While Grocery Shopping

10. When grocery shopping, do not go to the store on an empty stomach. At best, you will quiet your grumbling stomach with a candy bar or two while waiting in the check-out line. At worst, you will wind up devouring the entire rotisserie chicken that was to be your family’s dinner, guzzling a 64-oz bottle of Coke, and tearing into your kid’s favorite cereal, all before you reach the checkout.

9. When grocery shopping, do not assume that the shortest check-out line is indeed the quickest check-out line. At best, the person ahead of you with five items will want to use a personal check to pay and you’ll only have to wait an additional ten minutes while the cashier and store manager figure out a way to finally approve the check. At worst, the person ahead of you with only nine items will question the cashier on each and every item (naturally, all the items were supposed to be on sale including the ten gallon water jug which looks like it came from the employee break area), then proceed to call the store manager to further argue an unwinnable position, and now that you are stuck every line around you is so long the few minutes you thought you saved have turned into thirty minutes wasted.

8. When grocery shopping, do not assume that all the sale items, especially the 2-for-1 deals, have been entered into the registers. At best, the cashier will take a few minutes to correct the error if you see you were charged for each item instead of 2-for-1. At worst, you’ll be like the guy in #9, having to argue each item on sale and drawing the ire and ill-will of every other shopper behind you.

7. When grocery shopping, do not assume that your regular grocery store will always and forever maintain the floor layout to which you’ve grown accustomed. At best, your store might make only subtle changes like moving the eggs from beside the butter to beside the yogurt, but on the same aisle. At worst, one day you will walk in and become quickly convinced that you’re in the wrong store. You will spend hours trying to find the raisins which used to be on Aisle 3 among other dried fruits but are now on Aisle 36 next to the juice with the logic that fruit is fruit.

6. When grocery shopping, do not forget to wear ear plugs. If you do forget your ear plugs, at best, you will simply slow your pace and linger longer than planned due to the hypnotic effect of the “music.” At worst, the subliminal messages of “buy more, buy more, buy more” will enter your brain and you will wind up buying twice as much food as you originally intended, leaving your wallet half as full.

5. When grocery shopping, do not think that by leaving your credit cards and checkbook at home, you can avoid spending over your budget at the store. At best, the subliminal messages from #6 will cause you some mild embarrassment as you decide to forfeit the bottle of Merlot, Death-by-Chocolate cake, and fancy new plastic wine glasses (all items NOT on your shopping list) because you don’t have enough cash. At worst, either to avoid embarrassment or because you are still prey to the messages of “buy more,” you will leave your items at the register, dash to the ATM, withdraw as much as you can, and then promptly ask for a case of the Merlot (which you may need later when you realize how much you have spent).

4. When grocery shopping, do not think that the fresh fruit being offered as 2-for-1 is necessarily a great deal. At best, the fruit will be fine and edible until the next morning when you realize you will have to eat all of it since it is quickly going bad. At worst, after you come home and put all the food away, you decide to have some strawberries and cream. Then you discover that the 2-for-1 fresh fruit has one layer of fresh fruit atop moldy, squishy fruit which moves on its own, and causes you to lose your appetite and throw it all out.

3. When grocery shopping, do not think that the baggers are always well-trained. At best, you will have a bagger who knows enough to put the eggs on the top of other items in a bag. At worst, you will get a bagger who either wasn’t trained or doesn’t care, but you won’t know until you get home and find that a large bottle of laundry detergent was packed on top of your package of sushi rolls, which now resemble sushi pancakes.

2. When grocery shopping, do not think that slowly walking down the middle of an aisle with your head down while talking on your cell phone will not annoy anyone. At best, shoppers trying to get around you may just gently prod your shopping cart and alert you to the need to get out-of-the-way. At worst, you may find yourself pinned between your shopping cart and the cart of the person or persons who finally lost their temper with you and are now sending you, shopping carts and all, into the egg section.

1. When grocery shopping, do not think that being polite to shoppers on cell phones and oblivious to their surroundings will help you keep your temper. At best, you will quickly realize that navigating around these people is futile and that you should just park your shopping cart and step around the offending shopper to get the items you need. At worst, you will lose your temper, causing you to literally crash into the offending shopper with your cart, and the momentum will be enough to send you both into the egg section. As with automobile rear-end accidents, you will be the assumed guilty party and the store will likely make you pay for the broken eggs as well as clean them up.

Top Ten No Nos is as Top Ten No Nos Does

January 20, 2014August 8, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 2 Comments

Here is the 29th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do If You Go Into a Car Dealer

10. If you go into a car dealer, make sure you really want to buy a car. If you don’t, at best you may walk away from a car that you fell in love with but can’t afford. At worst you might end up paying for that car the rest of your life.

9. If you go into a car dealer, do not say anything regarding your like or dislike of a car. If you do, at best you will tip your hand. At worst, you may end up with the one you dislike since it is priced so well.

8. If you go into a car dealer, do not drink a big gulp prior to arriving. If you do, at best you may need to interrupt your negotiations at a bad time. At worst, the sales rep may detect your uneasiness, interpret it as a sign of weakness, and hammer the negotiations until you agree to everything just so you can make a break for the bathroom.

7. If you go into a car dealer, do not wear any clothing with designer labels. If you do, at best you will impress all the people in the show room. At worst, you may pay thousands more for a car than the people at JCP.

6. If you go into a car dealer, do not bring the children. If you do, at best they will get hyped up on the sugary donuts the salespeople will feed them. At worst, the kids will want to sit in your lap just as you try to negotiate a good deal and tell the salesperson that you are just kidding.

5. If you go into a car dealer, do not park your car where it can be seen. If you do, at best the condition will tip-off the salesperson as to your trade-in before the deal. At worst, the sales person will get a heads-up as to how badly you need transportation.

4. If you go into a car dealer, do not accept anything to eat or drink if offered. If you do, at best you’ll take on extra calories you don’t need. At worst, you may feel you owe the dealership something and you don’t want to get talked into a thousand-dollar cup of coffee.

3. If you go into a car dealer, do not sign anything before you read it. If you do, at best you may have some expensive surprises when the car is delivered. At worst you may have sold your home for a dollar.

2. If you go into a car dealer, do not demand to see the manager if you’re unhappy with the deal the sales person is offering. If you do, at best you may be embarrassed to learn that the sales person is the manager. At worst, the employees will use the video tape of you ranting at the company party as the main entertainment.

1. If you go into a car dealer, do not even think of special ordering a car. If you do, at best you may pay too much. At worst, you may be riding around in something that lost fifty percent of its value the minute you drove it off the lot since Habanero Orange is not everyone’s favorite color.

Ten No Nos is as Ten No Nos Does

January 13, 2014January 10, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 25 Comments

Here is the 28th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do as You Return to Work after a Long Holiday Hiatus

10. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not expect your coworkers who did not take any time off to appreciate hearing how wonderful your vacation was. At best they will smile absently as you regale them with stories of all the reading you got done. At worst, they will regale you with stories of all the work that’s piled up on your desk, waiting for you and the fact you would be fired if it were not for them.

9. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not try to incur sympathy by complaining that you had to spend most of it with your in-laws. At best your coworkers will simply try to one-up your story of how your mother-in-law found fault with how you decorated your Christmas tree as usual. At worst, your complaints will be passed to your spouse at the next opportunity.

8. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not pretend to have been gone so long that you forgot your boss’s name. At best, your boss will play along and pretend to forget your name and your salary grade. At worst, your boss, who got called into work on Christmas Eve for an emergency that came up in your area, will purposely forget who you are and have security escort you from the building.

7. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not expect to find your office or cubicle in the same condition as you last saw it. At best, it might be cleaner since the cleaning crew actually had a chance to clean it while you were gone since most surfaces were uncovered. At worst, you will find things missing (like your favorite Lord of the Rings post-up notes) because your coworkers took advantage of your absence and treated your office like a come-help-yourself supply depot.

6. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, don’t expect you can spend most of your first day back getting “reacquainted” with your job. At best, your boss will grudgingly give you permission to spend the day reviewing stuff rather than doing stuff, but in the end it will cost you. At worst, your boss will offer you the opportunity to get “acquainted” with the new unemployment policies if you don’t step up.

5. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not try to make it sound like your break was more fun than it was. At best, you’ll only be competing with your cubicle-mate who, like you, basically stayed home and read all day. At worst, you’ll find yourself making up stories about scuba diving off the Florida Keys just because your supervisor hung out at a nude beach in Pensacola.

4. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, be sure to leave your house at least a half-hour earlier than usual. At best, you’ll get to work earlier and have some “quiet time” before the reality of being back hits you. At worst, you’ll need that extra half-hour because you’ve forgotten where you work and you get lost along the way. (You did drop crumbs didn’t you?)

3. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not bring with you all the cookies and cakes left over from your holiday parties. At best, your coworkers will just give you the evil eye since they had resolved to stop eating sweets after the holidays. At worst, the three-week old sweets that you left out for everyone else will mysteriously wind up on your office chair, in the shape of a horse’s head.

2. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not be surprised if the work you thought your coworker would do on your behalf didn’t get done. At best, you’ll find a neat stack of reports that need to be reviewed by close of business the day you return and the coworker who had offered to review the reports out on sick leave. At worst, you’ll find piles of documents strewn across your desk with no clue when they are due or who left them for you, and your boss standing outside impatiently tapping a foot waiting for your report.

1. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not expect everyone, including you, to be in a cheery, ready-to-get-to-work mood. At best, you all will just be experiencing temporary post-holiday depression that will lift after a few days. At worst, the reality that there are no more holidays until May will hit you like a sledgehammer and you’ll have a four-month long headache to show for it.

Top Ten No Nos is as Top Ten No No’s Does

January 6, 2014January 4, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 15 Comments

Here is the 27th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do as New Year’s Resolutions

10. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not put “Exercise Daily” or the word “exercise” anywhere on your list. At best, you will wind up paying for a gym membership you will never use because you always have an excuse not to go. At worst, while trying to cover up your lack of participation to your personal trainer, you will drop a 25-pound weight on your foot, resulting in an injury that uses up most of your sick leave and the remaining days of your gym membership.

9. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not include on your list: “Start the [fill in the blank] diet to lose the ten pounds I gained over the holidays.” At best, you’ll only lose a lot of water which, for a few days, may make you look and feel like you lost ten pounds. At worst, the minute you go off the diet, the weight will all come back, two-fold. What was with all that flushing anyway?

8. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not include in your list: “Quit smoking cold turkey.” At best, this item doesn’t apply to you because you don’t smoke. At worst, you do smoke and going cold turkey might get you through five minutes without a puff. Then you will tear through your house, upending the trash as you try to salvage at least one smokeable filter. Of course, even five minutes you don’t smoke is another five minutes your body gets a break.

7. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not put “Get organized” anywhere on your list. At best, it’s too vague (it could be mean get organized at work, get your kitchen organized, organize your bookshelf) and you’ll forget it anyway. At worst, you’ll think that you have committed yourself to organizing everything in your life, including your friends’ and families’ schedules, and they will commit you for a having a near-lethal case of OCD.

6. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not put “Read all the books on my To Be Read list.” In the best case, you only have two books on your TBR list and so you now have the whole year to read them. In the worst case, you (like so many of us) have a Leaning Tower of TBR in every room in your house. The only way you’ll get through them all is if you quit your job, quit sleeping and quit taking bathroom breaks (unless your bathroom also serves as a reading room).

5. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not commit yourself to reading every blog you follow every day. Much like item #5, that will only work if, at best, you only follow a couple of blogs. At worst, if you follow more blogs than there are seconds in a day, you may have a worse dilemma than that in #5. Unless you don’t mind taking your iPad or laptop to the toilets with you, bathroom breaks will cost you precious reading time.

4. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not put “Get last year’s NaNoWriMo novel (still in first draft) published in six months” anywhere on your list. At best (and least likely), you’ve already read through your first draft and am pleasantly surprised that it actually makes sense and will need little editing. At worst (and most likely), you’ll find your first draft is just a hodgepodge of random stories and blog posts and any attempt to put it in readable form by the end of the year (much less published) will likely drive you insane.

3. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not add “Save money by not buying books” to your list. Who are you kidding? At best, that resolution will last only until you receive your next Barnes & Noble 20% coupon. At worst, you’ll fill up your e-readers with free e-books until you realize that reading those books in print is much more fun. Before you know it, you will have spent your imagined savings and it’s only week 2 of the New Year.

2. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not add “Learn to do at least one risky activity a month, like sky-diving or bungee-jumping.” At best, you’ll learn about the activity but never get around to doing any of them once you understand the risks and decide life is too short to risk shortening it more. At worst (and if you don’t think life is already too short), you’ll try to make like Nik Wallenda over the Grand Canyon, but without the success.

1. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not set your resolutions so high that they remain forever out of reach, nor so low that it’s not even worth stooping to find them. Instead, for your New Year’s Resolutions, start each one with “Be grateful for …” Be grateful for your health, for all the great books and bloggers you have to read, for knowing when to live dangerously and when to live vicariously. Be grateful you are here for a New Year.

Top Ten No No’s is as Top Ten No No’s Does

December 23, 2013December 20, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 26 Comments

Here is the 25th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Shopping at the Last Minute for Christmas

10. When shopping at the last-minute for Christmas, do not battle another for a parking place. If they are similarly crazed, you may just lose the front end of your car while the other driver yells “Tawanda! Tawanda!” at you as if they are Kath Bates in Green Fried Tomatoes.

9. When shopping at the last-minute for Christmas, do not take your children with you. At best, they will get in the way; at worst, they will be a witness to your stepped-up aggressive behavior when you Taser another parent for the last remaining iPod Nano.

8. When shopping at the last-minute for Christmas, do not leave home without a list. If you do, at best, you will no doubt forget something or someone. At worst, you will be tempted to grab armloads of stuff with the rationale what doesn’t work can be returned only to find out after Christmas that you were wrong.

7. When shopping at the last-minute for Christmas, do not think you are going to get anything on sale. If you think you will, at best, you will be disappointed. At worst, you will be afraid to go home given what you have spent.

6. When shopping at the last-minute for Christmas, do not forget sizes on your list. If you do, at best, you may just misjudge. At worst, you will get your mother-in-law an extra-large and you’ll never hear the end of it (even if it is the right size).

5. When shopping at the last-minute for Christmas, do not think expensive will take the place of thoughtful. If you do, at best, you will spend too much and become every one’s favorite gift giver. At worst, none of your gifts will be appreciated and all of them will be returned for cash.

4. When shopping at the last-minute for Christmas, do not have everything gift wrapped at the store. If you do, at best, it will appear as if you did not put your heart into the gifts. At worst, you could be accused of giving gifts you bought for someone else.

3. When shopping at the last-minute for Christmas, do not buy gifts that you yourself would not want to receive. If you do, at best, you might just get it back someday. At worst, the gift might be as tasteless as you thought it was and now you are the embarrassed recipient.

2. When shopping at the last-minute for Christmas, do not stop until your list is complete. If you do, at best, the person you left off will give you the best gift ever and you’ll have to admit that you got them nothing. At worst, your excuse of running out of time will be the straw that broke the camel’s back since you had a year to make it right.

1. When shopping at the last-minute for Christmas, do not stop humming your favorite Christmas song. If you do, you might break out in tears and nobody likes a crier this time of year.

Top Ten No Nos Is as Top Ten No Nos Does

November 18, 2013November 15, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 21 Comments

Here is the 20th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. This list has been prepared for all you campers who will be taking advantage of the Thanksgiving weekend. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to do When Camping at a Primitive Campsite

10. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget to pack a sufficient amount of toilet paper for your stay. Yes, the added bulk and weight of the paper may seem burdensome in your backpack, but you will appreciate the luxury soon after you’ve eaten too much of the wrong kind of berries.

9. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not store your food in your tent thinking it will be more protected from the elements there. If you do, you will likely be rudely surprised in the middle of the night by, at worst, a bear that will find your leg more delicious than your beef jerky, or, at best, a coterie of raccoons who will steal your pistachio nuts and proceed to eat them loudly in the surrounding bushes.

8. If you camp at a primitive campsite and want to explore some of the nearby hiking trails, do not forget to bring a topographical map of the area in which you are camping. At best Google Maps may not be up-to-date on the hiking trails around your campsite and you may wind up walking in circles while your iPhone quickly burns its battery. At worst the Google map didn’t give you a warning about the five hundred foot drop you encountered on the way to the trail below.

7. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget to bring plenty of waterproof Band-Aids for blisters. No matter how many layers of socks you wear and how well-broken in your boots may be, you are likely to suffer at least one blister. Without aid, at best you can expect to spend the rest of your camping trip hopping around in burning pain. At worst you will find yourself trying to apologize to your hiking partner for having to carry you the last five miles.

6. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget to bring a water filtration system in case you run out of potable water. The water in the creek near your campsite may look clean and pure, but without a filtration system, at best you may end up wishing you had brought more toilet paper. At worst you might get a close up view of the local ER.

5. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not carry a gun thinking it will be sure protection against any wild animals that you may encounter. For one thing, you are in their territory and if it isn’t hunting season, you have no right to be toting a lethal weapon. For another, if you are afraid of wild animals, then you risk shooting your own foot when you awake to a leg cramp in the middle of the night and think it is a bear gnawing at your calf.

4. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget insect repellant. Be prepared to apply repellant every hour unless you don’t mind being a blood donor for all species of biting insects.

3. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not think this is the best time to break in those new Keen Ketchum hiking boots you bought for $160. Chances are your feet will wind up in worse condition than is suggested in item #7, and you will be driven so crazy by the painful blisters that you will throw your new hiking boots and maybe yourself off the nearest cliff.

2. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not try to make like Grizzly Adams and befriend any orphaned bear cub or other wildlife you come across. Chances are the bear cub is not orphaned, its mama is in smelling distance of you, and you’ll soon find yourself having to explain to a very impatient mama bear why you have her precious cub in your hands.

1. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not leave your trash behind. Take out what you pack in. Otherwise, you might find yourself in a Far Side cartoon where the deer and the bear join forces to wipe every trace of you from their habitat.