Top Ten List of What Not to do When Creating a Top Ten List

July 14, 2014July 12, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 21 Comments

Here is the 54th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do. I decided to publish this list in case anyone wants to do a Top Ten. If so, contact me at johnhowell.wave@gmail.com

Top Ten Things Not To Do While Creating Top Ten Lists

10. If you are creating a top ten list, do not wait until the last-minute before publication. If you do, at best you may have to go with nine. At worst, you might get stuck after two items which will lead to severe writer’s block which might transfer to your latest novel.

9. If you are creating a top ten list, do not ask your significant other how they like it. If you do, at best you might get an honest answer. At worst, you may find out your significant other and you have nothing what so ever in common and finally decide to part.

8. If you are creating a top ten list, do not choose a subject which is limited.( like creating top ten lists) If you do, at best you will be hard pressed to think of ten items, At worst, you will make your vulnerability on the subject transparent to everyone and you will be the laughing-stock of the blogosphere.

7. If you are creating top ten list, do not think you are in line for a Pulitzer prize. If you think you are, at best you will have a very bad day when the Pulitzers are announced. At worst you will set yourself up for a monumental disappointment that might cripple you for life.

6. If you are creating a top ten list, do not start if you can’t count to ten. If you do you, at best you may be asking others for help. At worst, you will muddle on with no hope of completing the task and no knowledge of why you will not do so.

5. If you are creating a top ten list, do not start a list at the number one. If you do, at best your readers will not understand the arrangement and complain since everyone knows you count down from ten. At worst, your action could force some fragile individuals to become wards of the state for the next twenty years since you have altered what they perceive as the universal normalcy.

4. If you are creating a top ten list, do not try to fit in some political rhetoric. If you do, at best you may get some opposing comments that are not very pleasing. At worst, you’ll have political trolls after you for the rest of your natural life and the only way to escape is to write under a nom de guerre.

3. If you are creating a top ten list, do not get wrapped up in the serious stuff. If you do, at best you may spend more time researching than the list is worth. At worst you may not do enough research and find yourself on Wikipedia as an example of an idiot.

2. If you are creating a top ten list, try to find some humorous things to say. If you don’t, at best you will collect some mercy likes, but no comments. At worst, you will watch your followers drop like flies at a Raid convention.

1. If you are creating a top ten list, try to remember the previous ten so you don’t end up repeat-ing yourself. If you forget, at best your readers will assume you are a lousy proofreader. At worst, they will come to the conclusion that your drinking problem has gotten to the point of intervention and the sound at the door is the friendly technicians from Sleepy Time Rehab trying to get in with your Demerol shot and the white jacket.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Writing with a Toddler Around

July 7, 2014July 6, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 22 Comments

This is the 53rd edition of What Not to Do. This week Charles Yallowitz famed Fantasy author of the Legends of Windemere series of Fantasy novels and blogger extraordinaire has authored the list. If you would like to join the fun e-mail me at johnhowell.wave@gmail.com. This list will appear on Legends of Windemere post as well as on Fiction Favorites.

Top Ten Things Not to do When Writing with a Toddler Around

10. If you are trying to write your book while supervising a hungry toddler, do not give them the entire box of their favorite cereal in lieu of cooking dinner. At best, they will scatter the contents of the box around the room and give you an hour of focused vacuuming to do during your break. At worst, their cereal will be high in sugar and you will spend the rest of the week gluing all of your wife’s pottery back together.

9. If you are trying to write your book while supervising a loud toddler, do not wear headphones to drown them out with heavy metal music. At best, you will find that they took advantage of your obliviousness and cleaned all of your underwear in the toilet. At worst, you will find that they started a ‘Pet Breakfast Club’ in the basement with the hamster, the bird, and a cat that you have never seen before.

8. If you are trying to write your book while supervising an energetic toddler, do not put them in the backyard to wear themselves out while you ‘watch’ from inside. At best, you will find them trapped in a tree, under the bushes, or at the top of their swing set. At worst, you will find that they drove the riding mower throughout the neighborhood and now you have to throw a BBQ to make peace with the neighbors.

7. If you are trying to write your book while supervising a sleeping toddler, do not fill the silent void with music. At best, they will stay asleep, but your concentration will break every time the music sounds a bit too loud. At worst, they will wake up and take screeching vengeance on the parent who dared disturb their slumber.

6. If you are trying to edit a print out of your book while supervising an imaginative toddler, do not leave your manuscript alone for more than a few seconds. At best, you will find that someone played ‘editor’ with a pink highlighter and left their sweating sippy cup on your chair. At worst, you will return to find the pages strewn across the office by a child who announces himself as ‘Princess Else’ and asks if you want to make a snowman. This is also when you realize that Microsoft Word doesn’t automatically put page numbers on documents.

5. If you are trying to write your book while supervising a talkative toddler, do not try to continue typing while holding a conversation. At best, you will write gibberish because your fingers have slipped one key to the left and you never noticed. At worst, you will unknowingly include the conversation in your manuscript and give your editor more embarrassing ammo to tease you with. Even worse, your editor doesn’t catch the issue and you publish with the hero and villain discussing why big boys don’t poop in their underwear.

4. If you are trying to write your book while waiting for the toddler to come home from school, do not ignore the clock and push your time to the final minute. At best, you will have to go running out to the bus without shoes and wearing your lucky ‘Hello, Kitty’ author shirt. At worst, you never hear the bus, your toddler is trapped for the rest of the route, and you get a delightful call from the bus company that they are not transporting your child.

3. If you are trying to write your book while supervising a curious child, do not scream at them for asking the same question 13 times. At best, they will get upset and throw a tantrum that signifies the end of your writing day. At worst, you will teach him several colorful words that he will gladly repeat to his mother, grandparents, teachers, strangers in public, and the head of your church/synagogue.

2. If you are trying to write your book while supervising an attentive toddler, do not read what you’re typing out loud. At best, you will be bombarded by questions about your book that will cause you to realize that you have no idea what you’re doing. At worst, your toddler will learn about what mommy and daddy do behind closed doors because you happened to be writing a graphic sex scene.

1. If you are trying to write your book while supervising a rambunctious toddler, do not duct tape them to the wall for a few moments of peace. At best, the child will get free and collect various objects on the tape while rushing around the house. At worst, your spouse will come home with parents in tow and you’ll wake up in the hospital with a police officer and divorce lawyer hovering over you.

Top Ten Things Not to do On Your First Anniversary

June 30, 2014June 29, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 15 Comments

Here is the 52nd installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

The Top Ten Things Not to do On Your First Anniversary

If it is your first wedding anniversary, do not think your spouse will find it funny if you pretend to forget your wedding date. If you do pretend to forget, at best your spouse will forgive you after you’ve recited a dozen mea culpas and treated your spouse to a romantic candlelit dinner at the most expensive restaurant in town. At worst, your spouse will demand, in addition to the mea culpas and romantic dinner, you be solely responsible for cleaning out your cat’s litter box until your second wedding anniversary.
If it is your first wedding anniversary, do not assume your spouse will want to celebrate the anniversary with all your family, friends, and the same people at your wedding. If you do, at best your spouse will grudgingly put up with a crush and noise of partygoers. At worst, your spouse will commit a disappearing act (sneaking out of the house to have that nice, quiet dinner your spouse really wanted), leaving you to be solo host, as well as clean-up crew after the party.
If it is your first work anniversary, do not think you should necessarily expect some congratulations from your boss and coworkers. At best, you will get some recognition for having stayed in the job for a year since no one else (including your boss) has, an insight which might cause you to start looking for another job. At worst, you try to throw your own party during lunch time in the conference room which coincides with your boss’s own planned luncheon with the CEO, CFO, CIO, and COO, and you wind up playing caterer to them since you are now too embarrassed to admit the food was for your own party.
If it is your first work anniversary, do not insist on going to the most expensive restaurant to celebrate with your boss and coworkers. If you do, at best, no one will complain about the fact that all any of them (except your boss) can afford is the Caesar salad and a glass of ice water. At worst, in honor of your anniversary, your boss will publicly suggest you pay the bill for the entire table since your anniversary grants you a 1.0% raise which, after taxes, translates to a 0.3% raise which after a year will cover the cost of the meal.
If it is the first anniversary of your first date, do not think your significant other will be unaware of the fact. If you do, at best, your significant other will accept your apologies for forgetting and you make a promise to yourself not to forget the second anniversary. At worst, your significant other will accept your apologies and then suggest perhaps it’s time to see other people, letting you know in no-uncertain terms there will not be a second anniversary.
If it is the first anniversary of your first date, do not think a simple greeting card will be enough to celebrate the event. If you do, at best, your significant other will simply sigh and make arrangements for a nice dinner at the restaurant where you had your first date. At worst, your significant other will make reservations at a very expensive restaurant you’ve always wanted to go but never had the money and then after dessert tell you its time for you both to see other people. For the cherry on top, your significant other will abruptly leave, grabbing the foil wrapped coq au vin, but leaving the check which, of course, you cannot pay except with long hours of dishwashing.
If it is your first blogging anniversary, do not think no one will care if you ignore the event. If you do, at best, your readers will likely be confused when you start writing posts beginning “When I began blogging over a year ago ….”since it’s fairly common to celebrate such an event and they won’t understand why you didn’t. At worst, you’ll be out spotlighted into shame by your fellow bloggers who go ahead and post about their first-year anniversary while you sit and watch their readership grow as yours sinks.
If it is your first blogging anniversary, do not think you can crowdsource your way to a fancy restaurant to celebrate. If you do, at best, you’ll gain enough for a tip and your readers will just shake their heads over your impudence and continue to read your blog anyway. At worst, a number of fellow bloggers will show up at a fancy restaurant expecting you to share your crowdsourced meal for one with all of them, forcing you to eventually crowdsource to get enough money to pay the bill so you don’t have to wash the restaurant’s dishes for the next month.
If it is the first anniversary of your book, do not think it would be gauche to promote the hell out of it on your important day. If you do, at best, an ardent fan will realize the date and promote your book for you, giving you an uptick in sales which you otherwise would not have had. At worst, you miss your window of opportunity and your post-first anniversary sale bombs since no one understands what a year and a day anniversary is all about.
If it is the first anniversary of your book, do not hesitate to promote the hell out of it on that important day. If you do hesitate, at best, you’ll get a lukewarm response of increased sales from your lukewarm effort. At worst, your promotion will be so tepid none of your readers will understand what you are promoting and miss the opportunity to purchase your book at less than the cost of a tall skinny Vanilla latte.

I am saddened by Marie Ann Bailey’s announcement that she will not be continuing as a collaborator on this feature. Her plate is full and needs to devote more time to other priorities. Since this post is the first year anniversary of our collaboration I think I forgot a gift and she believes it is time to see other people. I will miss her collaboration but will retain her friendship. Plans to continue are in place and you can read about them on Wednesday.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Presence of a Camera

June 23, 2014June 22, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 17 Comments

Here is the 51st installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When in the Presence of a Camera

10. If you are tempted to take a selfie (why, we don’t know) to show your friends your new tan lines, do not send the picture to anyone. If you do, at best, you may show too much line. At worst, your picture may make the internet rounds for the next million years.

9. If you are with friends and a picture is being taken, do not stick out your tongue as if you are Miley Cyrus. If you do, at best, you will look as graceful as Miley Cyrus. At worst, like your mom said, “Your face may stick that way.”

8. If you are tempted to take a selfie in the bathroom, do not take a picture until you check the background. If you do, at best, there may be some stray clothes lying around. At worst, that shot of the commode may be enough to get an unexpected visit from the health department and possibly a letter from a concerned citizen about the lid being in the up position.

7. If you are tempted to take a selfie, try to make an expression that does not resemble a duck. If you don’t, at best, you will look like any one of a million selfies. At worst, your lips may be entered in the most obviously botched category at the Botox convention by a well-meaning friend and win.

6. If you are in charge of taking pictures of a friends’ get-together, do not ask everyone to say cheese. If you do, at best, you will have different group photos that look the same. At worst, you will have walking dead expressions and your outing will resemble the before shots at the orthodontist.

5. When posing for a group picture, do not put up two fingers behind the head of the person next to you. If you do, at best, you will ruin what could have been a nice picture. At worst, everyone in the photo will be able to attest that those two fingers represent the number of drinks that it takes to get you blotto.

4. If you have had too much to drink, do not show up in each picture with your red solo cup. If you do, at best, you will have a chronicle of your behavior. At worst, you will document your own downfall and will have to face the inevitable slide show every time you and your friends get together.

3. When taking pictures of the scenic wonders of America, do not take photos from a moving vehicle. If you do, at best, you might catch a tree or two in the blur. At worst, you will have lovely landscape colors that resemble finger paints to show, as a result, of your trip.

2. When trying to capture the romantic nature of the moonlight over the lake, do not use a cell phone camera. If you do, at best, you might get what appears to be a pin head in the night. At worst, you will have a close up view of your fingerprint that can be used as a new form of identification.

1. When taking pictures of pets, children, or anything on the ground, do not stand as tall as you are and take the shot. If you do, at best, you will get shots of little frightened beings resembling something out of The Hobbit. At worst, since you are not down at their level, your angle of attack will produce nothing but tops of the innocent little heads.

Top Ten Things Not to do on a Plane

June 16, 2014June 14, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 25 Comments

Here is the 50th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Traveling by Plane

10. When traveling by plane, do not think that you can fake being 75 or older so you won’t have to take off your shoes since you are self-conscious about foot odor. At best, the TSA agents will just roll their eyes as you stoop and shuffle over and then will patiently insist that you remove your shoes since your ID makes it clear that you are not as old as you claim. At worst, the TSA agents will decide that you must have some mental health issues and flag you as someone to be examined in the TSA office which causes you to miss your plane and totally gross out the TSA agents in the small examination room with your smelly feet.

9. When traveling by plane, do not expect that the happy, cooing baby seated behind you will remain happy and cooing once the plane takes off. At best, the parents will attend immediately to the baby whenever it starts to cry. At worst, the parents will ignore the baby, as apparently they always do, and it will be your eardrums which will suffer more from the baby’s ear-splitting screams than from the change in cabin air pressure which is causing the screaming.

8. When traveling by plane, do not assume that the carry-on bag you bought online for half-price will actually fit in an overhead bin. At best, you’ll be the first to wedge your bag into the bin and can ignore the other passengers whose bags are smaller but unable to fit because your bag is so large. At worst, a big guy named Tiny will pull out your bag, drop it in your lap, and put in his own. You’ll be stuck having to check your oversized carry-on at the last-minute unless you foolishly want to argue with Tiny.

7. When traveling by plane, do not think you can escape screaming babies by hiding in the lavatory. If you do, at best, you’ll only face a long line of angry passengers when you finally come out as the plane is preparing to land. At worst, the flight crew will summon an air marshal and forcefully extricate you at a most inconvenient moment.

6. When traveling by plane, do not think you can time your use of the lavatory to coincide with the smoothest part of the flight. At best, you’ll be lucky and only be slightly jostled about on the toilet as the plane hits some minor turbulence. At worst, the plane will hit an air pocket, causing the plane to drop sharply, you to accidentally open the lavatory door as you grab the handle for stability, and the flight crew to be forever marred by an image of your blue water-colored naked bottom half.

5. When traveling by plane, do not assume that the passenger behind you won’t mind if you put your seat all the way back. If you do, at best, that passenger and all the ones behind will be the doing the same thing, causing a strange but convenient domino effect. At worst, the passenger behind you will show displeasure by choosing that time to pitch forward and have a sneezing fit over your head making you wish you had brought an umbrella.

4. When traveling by plane, do not think it would be a fun idea to tease your fellow passenger’s cat while the passenger is in the lavatory. At best, the cat will only hiss and growl as it backs into the corner of the pet taxi when you stick your fingers through the grate. At worst, you’ll have a lot of explaining to do to the flight attendant and your fellow passenger when you ask for help in retrieving your hand from PsychoKitty’s clamped jaw.

3. When traveling by plane, do not think that you can imbibe several alcoholic drinks and somehow be sober when your 10-hour flight ends. At best, the flight attendant will be aware of your naiveté and water down your drinks so you can disembark without assistance. At worst, you drink yourself into a Bermuda Triangle stupor and wake up hours later in a TSA’s office, strapped to a wheelchair and not having answers to the questions being asked by Fritz the head interrogator.

2. When traveling by plane, on your return flight, do not think your fellow passengers will find it amusing if you sing along with the movie Happy Feet, which you’ve seen several times already. At best, all the passengers will choose to use headsets to tune you out. At worst, you just might be faced with a mass passenger mutiny where walking the plank takes on new meaning at thirty-five thousand feet.

1, When traveling by plane, do not pull an Alec Baldwin and insist on taking a cell phone call just when the captain requests that everyone turn off their phones and other electronic devices. At best, a flight attendant will gently but firmly take your phone away from you and refuse to return it until your plane has landed. At worst, the captain and flight crew will pay a personal visit to your seat and escort you off the plane, (after landing if you are lucky) totally ignoring your claim to be a very important person.

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Trying to Write at Work

May 19, 2014May 16, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 16 Comments

Here is the 46th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Trying to Sneak Time to Write at Work (A Special List for Writers Whose Best Hours for Writing Are Between 9 and 5). Special apologies in advance to all those bosses out there who have employees who want to write.

10. When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think that putting a black curtain across the entry to your cubicle will keep your boss and co-workers at bay. At best, your boss will just think you are being anti-social and enroll you in a workplace team building course. At worst, your boss will hear you typing for once, suspect you of engaging in a double-cross with a competitor, and have company security pay a visit to your cube after hours.

9. When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think arranging to work after 5 pm will allow you to play catch-up on the work you should have been doing earlier. At best, you will find out your boss likes to cruise the cubicles and chat after 5 pm, making it difficult for you to concentrate and finish up. At worst, your boss decides to spend the late evening with you in your cubicle, telling you such hair-raising stories about the psychopathic upper management which (although good fodder for your writing) frightens you into giving up trying to sneak time to write at work just so you can spend less time there and more with the psychologist.

8. When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not steal your cubicle mate’s sign that says, “Do Not Enter: Breastfeeding in Progress.” At best, you are of the right age and gender to have such a sign on your door, but unless you have a baby, your boss may decide to move you to a low-wall cubicle in the bull pen. At worst, you are not of the right age or gender and your boss, who is renowned for not having a sense of humor, decides to transfer you to the unemployment office.

7. When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think that you can simply delete your erotic novel after saving your draft to a thumb drive. At best, you gain a small and unknown-to-you bevy of readers in the IT department who eagerly retrieve every installment of your book after you think you have deleted it. At worst, an installment of your novel is secretly emailed to your boss as evidence of your abusing work time and work equipment. Of course, your boss will wait until after you have finished the novel before firing you.

6. When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not choose to write during a period of competing deadlines and high activity. At best, you might be able to save and close your Word document safely every time your boss bursts into your office with yet another due-yesterday project. At worst, you become so frazzled by the constant interruptions you inadvertently send your boss a synopsis of your romantic novel when you were supposed to send an Environmental Impact Report on a proposed shopping mall development and now the boss looks at you differently.

5. When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think that getting to work early (and away from the chaos of your own household) will help you. At best, your colleagues who are already there will soon tire of your constant refusal to hang out with them in the break room until the work day officially starts. At worst, your boss is one of those who also shows up early and decides to take advantage of your presence by sending you more work earlier every day.

4. When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think you can gracefully shift from typing like a fiend on your personal laptop to entering data on your work computer whenever someone walks by your office or cubicle. At best, you learn how to position your personal laptop by your work computer so it is out-of-sight and you appear as if you are working. At worst, you eventually develop such a bad case of carpal tunnel syndrome that you have to go on medical leave and abstain from writing altogether.

3. When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think simply hiding under your desk with your laptop will be enough to keep your boss from knowing what you are doing. At best, there is already so much keyboarding going on at your workplace that no one even notices the tap-tap-tapping of your laptop as you pound out another short story. At worst, you become so engrossed in your writing, you don’t realize that your tapping is the only sound in the workplace until you stop and peek out from under your desk to see your boss standing in the entry way, resignation letter ready for your signature in hand.

2. When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think that you can get away with writing another scene in your comedic screenplay during a staff meeting by making it seem as if you are simply taking notes. At best, another staff is actually delegated to take notes and so your boss just thinks you are being diligent and doesn’t ask you to share. At worst, since you are writing a comedy, you have to frequently stifle laughter which eventually gets the attention of your boss who takes your stifled laughter personally and decides to fire you via an email with the subject: Death of a Salesman.

1. When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think you can (for long) get away with claiming to have stomach problems and then trying to write on your tablet in the restroom. At best, you will become adept at balancing your tablet on your knees, but the words you type might not be worth the loss of feeling in your bum from sitting on the toilet for too long. At worst, you will learn more about your colleagues’ bathroom habits than any sane person should know, making you really afraid to touch the doorknob on your way out.

Top Ten Things Not to Do

May 5, 2014May 2, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 19 Comments

Here is the 44th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Driving in Bad Weather Conditions

10. When driving in heavy rain, do not think it’s a good time to tap into your inner child and race your car through flooded areas of the road. If you do, at best you’ll just irritate the drivers around you who will be splashed in your wake. At worst, your car will stall at the next intersection where you find out that the “water” you were racing through is really the effluent from a broken sewer main.

9. When driving in heavy rain, do not forget to turn on your headlights so your car will be seen by other vehicles. If you do, at best you may just have a couple of near-misses as cars turn abruptly in front of you because they didn’t see your dark gray car approach the intersection through the gray sheet of rain. At worst, you may wind up wishing your car had been a neon pink color instead of dark gray after you get the bill for the fender-bender you caused.

8. When driving in heavy rain, do not think that you can safely drive the speed you drive in good weather. If you do, at best, the drag from the inches of standing water on the road will slow you down anyway. At worst, you might suddenly find yourself hydroplaning and, even more unfortunately, headed straight for the broken sewer main.

7. When driving in a snowstorm, do not think that you can save time by having the ice on your windshield defrost while you are driving. At best, everyone else will have stayed home and you’ll have the road to yourself and thereby avoid crashing into anyone. At worst, your insurance company won’t buy your story that the two small holes you scraped from your windshield should have been enough for you to avoid hitting the tractor-trailer when you passed into its lane.

6. When driving in a snowstorm, do not think your fellow commuters will find it amusing if you put a sleigh and reindeer antlers on the roof of your car and honk at everyone to let you through because you are Santa Claus. If you do, at best, the other motorists will let you through because they think you’re crazy and want to get as far away from you as possible. At worst, the other motorists will let you through straight to a highway patrol car waiting just for you.

5. When driving in a snowstorm, do not think your passengers will find it funny if you pretend to have snow blindness. At best, your passengers will help you to pull the car over so one of them will take over the driving (which was your intent anyway but you knew they wouldn’t do it if you just asked). At worst, your passengers will help you to pull the car over, but then leave you stranded on the shoulder because they knew you were faking.

4, When driving in a sudden hail storm, do not think it would be a good idea to suddenly pull over and collect the hail because you’ve never seen it before. If you do, at best, you’ll just have some motorists honk at you while you pack a few hail stones into your lunch bag. At worst, you’ll have a hard time convincing your boss that you’re late for work because when you stopped to collect hailstones, you got knock out cold by a big one and that is why you are acting drunk at noon.

3. When driving in a sudden hail storm, do not think it is a good time to pull out your golf club and trying some putting, no matter how obsessed with golf you are. At best, you’ll get the usual honks and rubbernecking from other motorists who are trying to figure out why you’re on the shoulder of the road swinging a golf club. At worst, see #4.

2. When driving during a heavy weather warning, do not think this is a good time to reenact a scene from your favorite Storm Chasers episode. At best, the storm cell never materializes and you simply waste a tank of gas looking for it. At worst, you wake up in another state but without ruby slippers.

1. When driving during a hurricane, … oh, please, just don’t!

Ten Things Not to do with On-Line Dating

April 21, 2014April 20, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 22 Comments

Here is the 42nd installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Signing Up With an Online Dating Service

10. When signing up for an online dating service, do not use your old high school senior photo in your profile. If you do, at best, your future dates might forgive you for being somewhat more overweight and wrinkled than your photo suggests. At worst, you might get sued by future dates for emotional and psychological trauma especially those who thought they were going to date an 18-year-old.

9. When signing up for an online dating service, do not say that you live in a foreign country because you want to appear exotic. If you do, at best, your future dates will be relieved to find out that you actually live within driving distance of them and they don’t have to pay exorbitant sums of money for a first date. At worst, your dream date who really does live in the country you claim to live in will out you to everyone else in the service and you will have to change your profile and your identity and actually move to a foreign country.

8. When signing up for an online dating service, do not claim to be a great cook when you still can’t make a decent peanut butter and jelly sandwich. If you do, at best, your future dates will prefer to dine out anyway and will never find out your lie. At worst, your dream date will wind up in the ER after you actually try to prepare a romantic, home-cooked meal for your first (and now last) date.

7. When signing up for an online dating service, do not inflate your educational background so you can appear to be more intelligent than you apparently are. If you do, at best, your future dates will not be interested in your opinion on the Dunning-Kruger effect anyway and you’ll be saved from having to present yourself as an example of it. At worst, your profile will be tagged as someone who suffers from the Dunning-Kruger effect which you will find frustrating since your last name is not Dunning nor is it Kruger.

6. When signing up for an online dating service, do not minimize your educational background to appear to less intelligent than you really are because you are afraid of intimidating anyone. If you do, at best, your future dates won’t be interested in degrees anyway just as long as you can enjoy conversations with each other. At worst, your future dates will look like the cast from “My Name is Earl” or “Duck Dynasty.”

5. When signing up for an online dating service, do not claim to be fluent in any language when all you can say is “Hello” and “Goodbye” in that language. At best, all your future dates have the same native tongue as you, but no foreign language fluency so they get excited when you say “Bonjour” and “Adios” in the same sentence. At worst, your dream date will be fluent in the language you claim to be fluent in (let’s say, French, for fun) and invite you to a romantic getaway to Paris where the best you can do is say “Bonjour” to everything anyone else says to you, with the result that two hours into the romantic getaway, your dream date leaves you at a café with just your French-English dictionary to help you find your way home.

4. When signing up for an online dating service, do not claim to not have cats when you do just because the dream date you picked out is allergic to cats. At best, you never get together with your dream date but the second best date not only asks you out but also happens to like cats (and then you live happily ever after). At worst, your dream date comes to your place for coffee and, within five minutes, develops red, itchy eyes, sneezing and coughing fits, and a facial rash, even though your cats are not in your house because you had them boarded. All of this results in you being on the hook for your dream date’s trip to the ER and allergy medication as well as the boarding fees for a date that went nowhere.

3. When signing up for an online dating service, do not use a glamour photo for your profile, even if your friends insist it will get you more dates. At worst, all your future dates also use glamour photos so no one can complain when none of you look glamorous in real life. At worst, see the worst case scenario for #1 and then double it.

2. When signing up for an online dating service, do not present yourself as a social butterfly when in fact you get panic attacks when you have to speak to more than one person at a time. At best, your future dates will be flattered when you say you prefer evenings alone so you can get to know them better. At worst, your future dates will think your Howard Hughes profile is creepy since they assumed you loved the party life and eventually leave you to your evenings alone as a party of one.

1. When signing up for an online dating service, do not pretend to be anyone but who you really are. At best, you will find someone who will actually like you for yourself and you will make some new good friends. At worst, you’ll be stuck with a revolving door of dates but no relationships. (On the upside, that could be fodder for some good stories.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Playing Sports with Friends

March 31, 2014March 28, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 19 Comments

Here is the 39th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to do When Bowling, Golfing, Playing Tennis or Eight Ball with Friends

10. When playing sports with friends, do not laugh at a missed shot. If you do, at best, they may laugh at you in turn. At worst, you may be wearing an imbedded racket, club or bowling ball on your trip to the hospital.

9. When playing sports with friends, do not play doubles with your spouse as a partner. If you do, at best, you will have a small argument about the missed shot. At worst, you might just end up asking your friends for a marriage counselor recommendation before the game is over.

8. When playing sports with friends, do not try to adjust the score to make your team look better. If you do, at best, you will get caught and look foolish. At worst, you may just win as a result of cheating and will need to atone for your indiscretion someday.

7. When playing sports with friends, do not try to avoid paying your fair share of the expenses. If you do, at best, you will be eventually found out and will have to pay anyway. At worst, your friend s will figure out a way to stick you with a bill someday which will require a bank loan to cover.

6. When playing sports with friend, do not purposefully try to outspend them on equipment and clothing. If you do, at best, your play quality will need to match your clothing and equipment price. At worst, your friends will come to some conclusion about your self-esteem which may or may not be accurate.

5. When playing sports with friends, do not drink too much alcohol especially if you are playing mixed doubles. If you become over-served, at best, you may be the cause for the loss of the game. At worst, you may just lose all inhibitions and decide to tell your friends and spouse what you really think of their playing ability, which will make for a quiet ride home and bad morning after.

4. When playing sports with friends, do not come up with the idea to put money on the game. If you do, at best, you will only win a few dollars. At worst, you may lose a few friends.

3. When playing sports with friends, do not set yourself up as the rule cop. If you do, at best, everyone will get tired of your reminders. At worst, you may find yourself gagged and tied up on the twelfth green with a note to the grounds keeper to let you go if you promise not to say anything more about rules.

2. When playing sports with friends, do not be the one who decides which game to play. If you do, at best, you will be blamed if the events turn out badly. At worst, you might be forced into a role of peace keeper since everyone will assume the thing went badly because you suggested it.

1. When playing sports with friends, try to remember the purpose of the game is to have fun. If you don’t, at best, you will be miserable. At worst, all those around you will be miserable as well and may not want to play with you anymore.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Choosing to Adopt a Pet

March 24, 2014March 22, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 28 Comments

Here is the 38th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Choosing To Adopt a Pet

10. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not go to the animal shelter without your significant other to help you make a decision. If you do go without your significant other, at best your significant other will forgive you for bringing home a cat with an ear-piercing howl and buy you both a lifetime supply of earplugs so you can at least sleep through the night. At worst, your significant other may start talking about the need to “see other people, particularly people without cats.”

9. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not assume that just because Newfoundland puppies are cute and a perfect size for cuddling, that they will always be a perfect size for cuddling. At best, you may learn to not mind when you get pushed off the bed when your grown-up, 130-pound Newfoundland stretches out next to you. At worst, you may have to design a harness and pulley system to get your grown-up, 130-pound Newfoundland off your lap.

8. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think just because the ferrets at the pet store were all asleep during your visit the one you picked will spend most of its time sacked out. At best, you won’t mind playing daily games of hide-and-seek as your ferret playmate finds new places to hide in your home. At worst, you may find those new places to hide involve the ferret eating holes in your upholstery causing you to buy a new suite of living room furniture every week.

7. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think that your regular vacuum cleaner will suffice for cleaning up the hair shed by the white Himalayan cat you desire. At best, you will be properly advised, causing you to purchase a top-of-the-line model. At worst, you may have to learn to live with having your brown velour furniture look like it has been blanketed with snow.

6. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think bringing home a python will do much to improve your social life. At best, you and the animal control officer who was called out to your house after your neighbors complained may fall in love and together you will find a proper home for the python. At worst, you may be confronted by a mob of your neighbors after your python repeatedly escapes and the small animals in your neighborhood disappear.

5. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think that cats are more hygienic than dogs. While generally that may be true, at best, you may find your new cat poops outside its litter box only when you provide food it doesn’t like (and thereby quickly training you to give it what it wants when it wants it). At worst, your cat may eventually eschew the litter box altogether causing you to invest heavily in wee-wee pads and kitty diapers and daily meditations of “Fluffy is a good kitty. Fluffy is a good kitty.”

4. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not assume that little Fido’s incessant yipping is something he will simply outgrow. At best, you may wind up deciding at least you no longer need a security system for your home since Fido emits a series of high-pitched yips at every movement behind your door or window. At worst, you may invest in a series of expensive sessions to train Fido not to yip only to learn that Fido is as Fido does—YIP!

3. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not assume simply training your German Shepherd Gunther to obey commands gets you a pass at keeping your dog on a lease in public places. At best, joggers will quickly learn to stop running when they see Gunther so he will not chase them as you call in vain for Gunther to “Heel!” At worst, the next jogger whose crotch Gunther sticks his nose into will be an employee of the police force who will be more than happy to write-up a series of citations against you and to confiscate Gunther for conscription into the police dog unit.

2. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not assume fish would be a good choice if you live in an apartment where pets are not allowed. At best, your landlord never visits your apartment and you manage to keep your relationship with George, your oscar cichlid, a secret. At worst, your landlord may catch you in the elevator with the new aquarium for George which you had to buy because he doubled in size, and your landlord doesn’t buy the story that you plan to use the aquarium for a sitz bath.

1. When choosing to adopt a pet, do not think you will be able to stop at just one. At best, you may learn to accept the fact that animals will gravitate toward a warm heart and a safe home, meaning you and yours. At worst, you will find yourself having to make accommodations for your pets in your will since as you get older, your willingness to rescue abandoned animals has grown greater.