Top Ten things Not to Do at Whole Foods

~ John W. Howell

The inspiration for this list came during several visits to Whole Foods. None of these circumstances were as a result of personal interaction while shopping there.

 

 

a whole food store

 

Top Ten Things Not to do at Whole Foods

 

10 If you are at Whole Foods, do not think you are at a discount outlet. If you do, at best your heart rate will hit a never before achieved rate at checkout. At worst, you will have to do the wait of shame while the checker calls the stock person to return everything you were forced to give up at the checkout.

9 If you are at Whole Foods, do not think the salad bar is a taste first then buy spot. If you do, at best store security will remind you loudly that you are not to eat anything prior to checking out. At worst, you might be asked to weigh in for a residual weight charge. (You will be asked loudly for your weight prior to entering the store.)

8 If you are at Whole Foods and are having a salad to go, do not forget the price is by the pound. If you do, at best you may have loaded your salad with heavy veggies that will lighten your cash. At worst, you will come to realize for the cost of the salad you could have bought a farm and raised your own.

7 If you are at Whole Foods, do not go there hungry. If you do, at best you will overspend dramatically. At worst, you will come face to face with the reason the store has the nickname “Whole Paycheck.”

6 If you are at Whole Foods, do not decide to discuss politics with the essential oil and vitamin store person. If you do, at best you will have to listen to some very disturbing theories on government use of food to eliminate its enemies. At worse, you might find yourself involved in a discussion and resulting firm request to join the Retake the Food underground which has only one satisfactory conclusion and that is to run out of the store.

5 If you are in Whole Foods, do not joke around about wanting more trans-fat in your diet. If you do, at best you will receive some pretty strange looks. At worst, you might be wrestled to the ground by well-meaning food cranks in an effort to save your mortal self from a fate worse than nicotine addiction.

4 If you are in Whole Foods, do not sit at the wine bar do not reach over the counter to help yourself. If you do, at best you might be asked to leave. At worst, you may be banned from Whole Foods for up to a year that they consider the ultimate punishment. (As if anyone could stand not to visit for a year)

3 If you are at Whole Foods and are looking for organic potato chips, understand they still are not a good thing to eat.  If you forget, at best you might wonder where you got that extra ten pounds. At worst, you will no doubt feel comfortable consuming organic potato chips until you no longer feel comfortable in your clothes.

2 If you are at Whole Foods and want a breakfast taco. Remember the prices of the extras beyond the tortilla are on an individual basis. If you forget, at best you will have the most expensive taco you have ever had. At worst, you will need to make a run to the bank before your number comes up.

1 If you are at Whole Foods and decide to have a cup of coffee, do not think you can just order a cup of coffee. If you do, at best the rest of the line will what planet you were from as you stumble through the process. At worst, you will finally walk away with a cup of something that will closely resemble an oil change in the rainforest.

46 thoughts on “Top Ten things Not to Do at Whole Foods”

  2. Sounds like a scary place. Though I’d probably make a scene at worst case #9. Battling of the Humiliation Tolerances! As for #1, I always fear ordering a hot chocolate at a place like this or Starbucks and getting a strange look. Context is no longer a thing, right?

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  3. I’ve shopped at a Whole Foods a couple of times in California. We now have one here in Tallahassee, but I haven’t been there yet. I prefer our locally-based and much smaller food coop. And number 10 definitely keeps me away from Whole Foods 😉

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  4. Reblogged this on 1WriteWay and commented:
    John Howell continues to turn his wry humor to the delights of shopping: in this case, shopping at Whole Foods. Each of the ten items just “sprouted” from his imagination, organically, no doubt. In real life, shopping at Whole Foods is a natural, unadulterated pleasure.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. So true. We have a whole Foods (It’s actually in Winter Park, the upper echelon enclave) that I visit maybe twice a year. A cheese connoisseur, I once found a volcanic ash and morel mushroom cheese for $212.00 a half pound. I just couldn’t do it.

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  16. Stores like this make it clear that they are there to make money and nothing more. They have turned people’s health into a marketing tool. And to make people put in overtime to afford the food that will improve their health is hamster-wheelery at its finest.

    Liked by 1 person

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