Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Zoo

~ John W. Howell

funny-zoo-pictures

 

I know most of the US, and much of the northern hemisphere of the world is in winter conditions and would not think about going to the zoo this time of year. Since I have a deep commitment to providing only the highest quality of information *cough* designed to keep you out of trouble, this list is being proffered in the preparation of an early spring. (Guaranteed). As a plus, the title has a little alliteration which is fun.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Zoo by John W. Howell ©2016

10 At the zoo, do not tempt the Ostrich to eat the keys to your car. If you do, at best it will ignore you for the kid’s ice cream cone. At worst, you will be following the Ostrich around the enclosure with a shovel and bag hoping for efficient movement of the keys.(lucky you when it comes to the separation process as well. Ew.)

9 At the zoo, do not make fun of the huge gorilla. If you do, at best you might be the recipient of a warning from the park employee. At worst, you might be wearing some of his lunch. ( And you don’t want to know when he ate it.)

8 At the zoo, do not let your inner child join your kids on the carousel. If you do, at best you might lose your footing as you get off. At worst, you will be too dizzy to stand and find yourself on the ground. ( Did that person just call you a drunk?)

7 At the zoo, do not think it is cute to let the goat eat your hair. If you do, at best you will learn goats pull grass and hair out by the roots. At worst, you will need to get to someone who can even out what has become a bald half of your head. (Those little ones move fast don’t they?)

6 At the zoo, do not roar at the lion. If you do, at best the lion will understand you are dope. At worst, the lion will feel the need to mark you as part of his territory. (A little breezy riding home on the roof of the car isn’t it Bunky.)

5 At the zoo, do not let your kids off leash and out of your sight. If you do, at best they will only get lost and found quickly. At worst, you will be frantic and arrive at the monkey enclosure in time to see your kids trying to talk the head of the monkey clan out of his favorite banana. (That monkey looks like he may lose his temper any moment doesn’t he?)

4 At the zoo, do not go to the bird show and yell when the hawk swoops low. If you do, at best the bird will become frightened and give you a present before going back to its perch. At worst, the hawk will think you are prey and attempt to lift you by your head. (Those talons can hang on can’t they?)

3 At the zoo, do not try to lure an animal to the edge of its enclosure with snack bar food. If you do, at best you might get a cute picture of them eating out of your hand. At worst, you might be making a rushed trip to the ER when you realize that french fry was still attached to your finger. (That made a pretty funny photo, and a video would have gone viral.)

2 At the zoo, do not think the elephant can’t reach you with a water spray. If you do, at best you have to run fast to avoid it. At worst, you will be drenched and will have to leave early. (What made you think the elephant wanted part of your burrito anyway?)

1 At the zoo, do not volunteer at any of the wild animal shows. If you do, at best you could embarrass your family with your screams. At worst, that carrot you are holding in your mouth for the sea-lion might just be one inch too low. ( Your nose will be better in a couple of weeks)

54 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Zoo”

  8. Unquestionably don’t volunteer at the zoo shows. After all, think of all the go-wrongs we’ve seen on talk shows! … Then again, we would have thunk that Denver would dominate as they did.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Ha!!! There’s a lot slobber already from all the butt kissers they pay to hang around them. Desperation might drive me to Detroit (much as I hate snow… OMG I’m really considering it?). So slobber or snow? Tough decision. 😉

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  12. These are great tips, John! I used to love taking Domer to the zoo, but we both were wary enough to keep our distance. And don’t even think about taking me into the reptile house, ha!!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Good tips but I haven’t been to a zoo since my grandson was small. I always wonder what the animals must be thinking when they see humans do such silly things. Not as warm as I would like it here today but it will get better.

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  15. The photo is hilarious as is your list, John :). Funny story: in high school, we went to a horse ranch. A classmate had her back to a horse when it started to chew on her long thick blond hair. Yup, the horse thought it was hay. We laughed. My classmate didn’t.

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  18. We’re not having much of a winter this year. More of a lottery every week. Some days it’s like spring. Others we have snow and then it melts.
    These are by far the most hilarious ten I’ve read here. The picture is hilarious as well. 😀 😀

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