Ten Things Not to Do If You Are Over Seventy Years of Age

~ John W. Howell

This list was inspired by having the opportunity to be around some of my peers over the last couple of weeks. Also, Kevin Brennan author of Occasional Soulmates had a great post last Saturday about his 79-year-old mother. You can read that one HERE

10 If you are over seventy, make sure the foreign object you think is in your food is really there. If you don’t, at best the store manager will give you your money back but will give you that “old person” roll of the eyes. At worst, the object turns out to be your glasses that fell off while you were looking closely to find out what it was. This will be discovered by the customer service person surrounded by twenty other shoppers.

9 If you are over seventy, do not think you can ride a bicycle at top speed, wipe out and bounce like you did when you were fifty. If you do, at best you will have a nice reminder as you soak in a hot bathtub and eat aspirin like M&Ms. At worst, you will be among the lucky few spending a number of hours in the ER surrounded by one hundred really sick and injured people who all got there ahead of you.

8 If you are over seventy, do not try to leave the house without your glasses. If you do, at best you won’t be able to read the credit card terminal at the checkout counter and sign whatever is there and it matches what you bought. At worst, you will be clueless when the bank teller asks you to sign the withdrawal slip made out for you and four days later you read in the local newspaper where the teller is spending three weeks on Aruba.

7 If you are over seventy, do not decide the surfing competition looks winnable since there is only one entrant in the seventy and above bracket. If you do, at best you will have nothing more catastrophic than looking like a fool. At worst, you will wipe out and ground yourself on the beach where the medal committee will erect a monument in your honor.

6 If you are over seventy do not think your dance routine is still in. If you do, at best the rest of the crowd will be laughing behind your back. At worst, your routine will take up so much room and bump so many people the bouncer will remove you for your own protection

5 If you are above seventy, do not go anywhere near a Karaoke machine. If you do, at best you will get a short slow song you can handle poorly. At worst, you will pull a rap number and will scare yourself with the words that scroll across the screen  reminding you being scared is not good for your pacemaker performance.

4 If you are over seventy, do not drive in the left lane ever. If you do, at best you will wonder what all those hand signals mean in the context of driving. At worst, you will have a monster truck come so close to your rear bumper you will be forced to look in the rear view mirror only to swerve into some hapless seventy year old next to you.

3 If you are over seventy, do not raise your arms above your head if you are wearing short sleeves, if you do, at best you won’t notice the extra movement of skin and will think the wind is picking up. At worst you will cause enough stares to stop traffic with those undulating biceps that seem to have fallen.

2 If you are over seventy, do not go to a restaurant any time earlier than 7:00. If you do, at best you will get the early bird menu and won’t really find green Jell-O to your liking. At worst, a youthful server will insist that you will truly enjoy the breaded fish sticks instead of the of the large juicy steak you were intending. “Besides,” she says. “It is much easier to chew.”

1 If you are over Seventy, do not try to tell stories about how great it was in the old days. If you do, At best you will be finishing your stories to yourself. At worst, you will notice people running away as you come close and it won’t be because you have worn the same clothes for five days. (well, maybe)

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Published by John W. Howell

I have been working in business for over forty years and now have the time to work in special areas of interest. My passion has always been to create compelling stories of fiction. I have authored six novels and am working on my Seventh. The first novel is still in manuscript form and being utilized as a door stop in the laundry room. The second is a contemporary fiction novel of 89,000 words and is complete and I am currently seeking a publisher. I also write poetry but have not had the guts to share any with anyone. The one time I read a piece to a person their only comment was, “it doesn’t rhyme.” I will continue to write and hopefully my blog, Fiction Favorites at www.johnwhowell.com will provide some entertainment and an interesting thought or two. I live in the Austin area with my wife Molly and an assortment of loving pets.

32 thoughts on “Ten Things Not to Do If You Are Over Seventy Years of Age”

  4. #6 reminds me of my grandparents. No matter the music, they would turn off their hearing aids and dance a waltz. Guess it’s really all about the music in your head than what’s really out there.

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  7. Seventy is one of my “yets”, but so many of these apply already, now I’m REALLY scared. You are truly an inspiration, John, and I can only hope I have half your wit and good sense at 70 and am not calling my husband from somewhere in the middle of Alabama telling him I don’t know where I am.

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  11. John I think when I hit the seventy mark I will want to prove you wrong and try all of these things. There might be bionic limbs in another twenty years. Im hoping. The best part….. the more I age the less I care what people think of me. I never could dance but at seventy I would be happy if I could shake a leg and give the young a run for their money and being carried away by a bouncer would just top the night off.

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        2. hahaha, that’s funny. Ooh, I guess it wasn’t at the time though, lol. At the hospital, there was another grandmother who had just broken her leg after trying out the grandkids’ roller skates. Our minds need updating to our bodies lesser abilities, lol.

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