The inspiration for this list came during several visits to Whole Foods. None of these circumstances were as a result of personal interaction while shopping there.
Top Ten Things Not to do at Whole Foods
10 If you are at Whole Foods, do not think you are at a discount outlet. If you do, at best your heart rate will hit a never before achieved rate at checkout. At worst, you will have to do the wait of shame while the checker calls the stock person to return everything you were forced to give up at the checkout.
9 If you are at Whole Foods, do not think the salad bar is a taste first then buy spot. If you do, at best store security will remind you loudly that you are not to eat anything prior to checking out. At worst, you might be asked to weigh in for a residual weight charge. (You will be asked loudly for your weight prior to entering the store.)
8 If you are at Whole Foods and are having a salad to go, do not forget the price is by the pound. If you do, at best you may have loaded your salad with heavy veggies that will lighten your cash. At worst, you will come to realize for the cost of the salad you could have bought a farm and raised your own.
7 If you are at Whole Foods, do not go there hungry. If you do, at best you will overspend dramatically. At worst, you will come face to face with the reason the store has the nickname “Whole Paycheck.”
6 If you are at Whole Foods, do not decide to discuss politics with the essential oil and vitamin store person. If you do, at best you will have to listen to some very disturbing theories on government use of food to eliminate its enemies. At worse, you might find yourself involved in a discussion and resulting firm request to join the Retake the Food underground which has only one satisfactory conclusion and that is to run out of the store.
5 If you are in Whole Foods, do not joke around about wanting more trans-fat in your diet. If you do, at best you will receive some pretty strange looks. At worst, you might be wrestled to the ground by well-meaning food cranks in an effort to save your mortal self from a fate worse than nicotine addiction.
4 If you are in Whole Foods, do not sit at the wine bar do not reach over the counter to help yourself. If you do, at best you might be asked to leave. At worst, you may be banned from Whole Foods for up to a year that they consider the ultimate punishment. (As if anyone could stand not to visit for a year)
3 If you are at Whole Foods and are looking for organic potato chips, understand they still are not a good thing to eat. If you forget, at best you might wonder where you got that extra ten pounds. At worst, you will no doubt feel comfortable consuming organic potato chips until you no longer feel comfortable in your clothes.
2 If you are at Whole Foods and want a breakfast taco. Remember the prices of the extras beyond the tortilla are on an individual basis. If you forget, at best you will have the most expensive taco you have ever had. At worst, you will need to make a run to the bank before your number comes up.
1 If you are at Whole Foods and decide to have a cup of coffee, do not think you can just order a cup of coffee. If you do, at best the rest of the line will what planet you were from as you stumble through the process. At worst, you will finally walk away with a cup of something that will closely resemble an oil change in the rainforest.
Fiction Favorites 
We don’t have such a store in Australia though I guess you may be referring to organic food stores?
I did like No 8
Very entertaining John….
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Thanks. I am always flummoxed by the salad bars. Never has so much been paid for so little.
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Sounds like a scary place. Though I’d probably make a scene at worst case #9. Battling of the Humiliation Tolerances! As for #1, I always fear ordering a hot chocolate at a place like this or Starbucks and getting a strange look. Context is no longer a thing, right?
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Context blurs in the face of reality
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Especially on little sleep. 😛
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I’ve shopped at a Whole Foods a couple of times in California. We now have one here in Tallahassee, but I haven’t been there yet. I prefer our locally-based and much smaller food coop. And number 10 definitely keeps me away from Whole Foods 😉
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I agree. Those registers sound like reverse slot machines.
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Reblogged this on 1WriteWay and commented:
John Howell continues to turn his wry humor to the delights of shopping: in this case, shopping at Whole Foods. Each of the ten items just “sprouted” from his imagination, organically, no doubt. In real life, shopping at Whole Foods is a natural, unadulterated pleasure.
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Thanks for the re blog Marie. Yes imagination at work.
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Don’t want you to get sued 😉
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All fiction
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So true. We have a whole Foods (It’s actually in Winter Park, the upper echelon enclave) that I visit maybe twice a year. A cheese connoisseur, I once found a volcanic ash and morel mushroom cheese for $212.00 a half pound. I just couldn’t do it.
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Big price. (Sounds like it might be gritty)
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Great list, John! You’re not kidding about #7…it’s definitely not a place to visit when you’re hungry. It’s a nice store, but way overpriced.
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Good way to put it. If it were undervalued it might be a different problem.
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Love this! Lol Btw – how are Frank and Billy? Just askin… 😊
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I think you missed the final episode. Here it is. http://wp.me/p2Qoij-1tN
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I did read that post, but I didn’t know they had a blog. Lol
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*smile*
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Haha…yes, best to walk in content in paying whatever it costs.
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It’s only our life after all.
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Number 10 and the oily coffee did me in. That’s exactly what I think of organic coffee. Yuck. 😀 😀 😀
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I know what you mean. good ole Costco for me.
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I drink some cheap Italian ground coffee you can even find in Walmart, which my S-i-L calls Espresso. I don’t drink strong anything but I like it.
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Yeah we get beans and then grind them and shove them through a espresso machine. Ah the smell of effeteness n the morning.
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I know I wonder if the memory scent of the beans makes them better. 😀 😀
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Of course. The Fiji Islanders believe the scent of coffee has curative powers.
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Good to know, John. I’ll try dabbing some behind my ears. 😀
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All of these are spot on. It’s definitely our “once every couple of months” place to shop.. great selection, but it don’t come cheap!
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So true. Of course Three Wishes wine at $2.99 a pop isn’t bad.
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I had to stop going to Whole Foods when I became allergic to the smell of patchouli oil…
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I can understand. Almost as bad as cold pressed flax seed oil.
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I know a few people who constantly complain about how broke they are. They shop at Whole Foods… go figure. I call it Whole Paycheck. It’s great if you can afford it. 🙂
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It is nice to visit, but store folks get pretty grumpy when you stand a drool without buying
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We don’t have Whole Foods here, but I do test the sweetness of grapes before I buy them at the supermarket. 🙂
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By eating them? of do you have a sweetometer
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Haha, yes, by eating them. I don’t have a sweetometer. 🙂
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LOL
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I’ve done several of these……..MTM once went to WF seeking lard. Lard!! At Whole Foods!!
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Ha ha ha . Could get soy lard maybe.
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I need a bag of potato chips, a beer and a cigar 😉 Oh and more trans fat in my diet.
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How about a nice pound of hog jowel
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or chitlins 🙂
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That’ll drive them nuts as well.
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Stores like this make it clear that they are there to make money and nothing more. They have turned people’s health into a marketing tool. And to make people put in overtime to afford the food that will improve their health is hamster-wheelery at its finest.
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Interesting take on Whole Foods. Thanks for the comment.
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