Ten Things Not to do on Memorial Day Feat. Marie Ann Bailey

~ John W. Howell

Last Year Marie Ann Bailey and I did a simu-publish of what not to do on Memorial Day. I was constructing a new one for this year, and it occurred to me that last years was pretty suitable. So here is last year’s and I must say the advice seems pretty relevant. Thanks, Marie for helping with this one.

a memorial day

Top Ten Things Not To Do On Memorial Day

10 On Memorial Day, do not accept an invitation to your boss’ house for a picnic even if you think it will be good for your career. If you do, at best, you might just have an awful time. At worst, you might be pressed into service as one of the wait staff.

9 On Memorial Day, do not accept an invitation to your friend’s parents’ house on the lake. If you do, at best, you might be subjected to uncomfortable questions about why you don’t eat potato salad sitting in the sun for an hour. At worst, you won’t notice the potato salad and end up riding to the ER in an expensive ambulance.

8 On Memorial Day, do not try for the record number of drinks in an hour set by the Legend last year before he died. If you do, at best, you will feel awful the next day. At worst, you just might meet up with the Legend to compare notes.

7 On Memorial Day, do not show the crowd how many hot dogs or anything else you can consume in less than sixty seconds. If you do you, at best, you may get off lucky with just one. At worst, you may eat enough hot dogs causing you to go into a Nitrite and manufactured meat coma that takes days to wear off.

6 On Memorial Day, do not try to better any story being told by someone who has served in the military. If you do, at best, you might be telling the truth, but will look like a braggart. At worst, you might get in so deep that you will need to join up just to make the stories come true.

5 On Memorial Day, try to resist the beer bong challenge. If you don’t, at best, you will need to find a ride home. At worst, you will have lost all power to reason and the ability to talk which will make great discussion topics for the next day, not to mention the cell phone pictures on Instagram.

4 On Memorial Day, do not offer to light the fireworks display. If you do, at best, you will be contributing to an illegal act in most places. At worst, you may just set off the whole pile and be faced with trying to explain to Homeland Security exactly what your intentions were, hoping you can talk them out of a planned waterboard session.

3 On Memorial Day, do not decide to join in the volleyball game if you don’t know how to play. If you do, at best, you will slowly learn how to play and eventually stop making points for the other team. At worst, your team mates will decide you need elimination and will hire someone to take you for a long ride out-of-town.

2 On Memorial Day, do not wear any bathing attire that doesn’t fit or has a competitive racing design. If you do, at best, the rest of the party will try to ignore the sight. At worst, your picture and all the stuff that doesn’t fit in the suit will make the internet rounds on sites titled: “What not to wear in the pool this summer.”

1 On Memorial Day, do not think you need to entertain all your friends with stories of horrific behavior on Memorial Days past. If you do, at best, everyone will eventually walk away as they lose interest, and you’ll have a Golden Retriever as your audience. At worst, someone remembers your antics and is able to top your story with an even more embarrassing tale about you which you may or may not remember

 

40 thoughts on “Ten Things Not to do on Memorial Day Feat. Marie Ann Bailey”

    1. Nightly news recap. “Just in, the CDC reports an increase in potato salad ER visits this year. The President has appointed a potato czar to head up a complete investigation. The Republicans report that Americans can expect an increase in potato visits next year as a result of the government’s work.”

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  5. Reblogged this on 1WriteWay and commented:
    Memorial Day, for those of us in the United States, is just around the corner. To get you into the spirit, my good friend John Howell has the following list of things not to do on Memorial Day, a list that he and I collaborated on last year. Enjoy!

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  7. An addition to #10 — your boss will probably have you blindfolded on the way to his/her house, so that you don’t know how to get there again…
    Thanks for reminding me there was a holiday coming up, John. I just might make it through the week. 😀

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  11. HaHa, missed this one’s first go-round, but I imagine it reads just as well!! Great points, John (though some would argue having a Golden Retriever as as one’s audience might prove more interesting than some of these other questionable guests!!)

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  15. These are excellent! However, I can add one: On Memorial Day don’t move to the US when you are ten years old because it will seem like the most fun place ever then it will be the next day and you will be very disappointed…

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