This post was initially run on March 10, 2014, co-authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me.  Since there are still negative reviews out there, maybe it might be helpful.

Top Ten Things Not to Do If Your Book Gets a Negative Review

10. If your book gets a negative review, do not read the review, especially if the rating is one star. At best, the reviewer will admit the review is based on having read only a couple of pages of your book, and you can chide yourself for even bothering to read one word of it. At worst, you will read the review so many times you can quote it by heart, begin to believe it, and eventually get one star tattooed on your back to atone for imagined errors in your career choice.

9. If your book gets a negative review, do not respond to the review in any way. If you do, at best, the reviewer will ignore your comments and let others decide if you just have a case of sour grapes. At worst, the reviewer will take great delight in responding to your comments, goading you into an outraged frenzy, whereupon the website will block you from seeing any more reviews.

8. If your book gets a negative review, do not search for and then comment on other books that the reviewer has reviewed. Even if you have read those books, at best, you will be taking precious time away from your writing just to get even with the reviewer. At worst, the reviewer will realize it is you and seek a court injunction on the grounds that you are unstable, as evidenced by your spending so much more time reviewing other books rather than writing one.

7. If your book gets a negative review, do not ask your family or friends to target the reviewer with their own commentaries. If you do, at best, the reviewer will just ignore them, and eventually they will lose interest. At worst, they will all end up in an unsightly battle of words, and then they will all get banned from the website, and your family and friends will turn on you like a wounded Leopard.

6. If your book gets a negative review, do not assume a false identity and write reviews of your book to counter the negative review. If you do, at best, no one will know it’s you, and eventually, you will just feel as if you are a loser. (You think?). At worst, someone will uncover your identity and both you and your book will be pulled from the websites, leaving your readers to believe you’ve been arrested or kidnapped.

5. If your book gets a negative review, do not start a campaign against negative reviews, using the negative review as an example. At best, the campaign will quickly fizzle out as so many do without the reviewer ever knowing about it. At worst, the reviewer will see your campaign and accuse you of libel, slapping you with a lawsuit so expensive that you will be doomed to write PR copy for the Russians full-time for the rest of your life in order to pay it off.

4. If your book gets a negative review, do not think that you should suddenly switch genres just because one reviewer doesn’t “get” your book. If you do, at best, you might discover writing erotica causes you to take too many breaks during the day, so you can try out scenes with your significant other, and so your productivity suffers. At worst, you might discover that while you may now enjoy writing erotica, you can’t get your children’s literature agent or any publisher’s interest in your new book.

3. If your book gets a negative review, do not take the reviewer’s advice to quit writing and take up dishwashing as an occupation. At best, the long hours at the sink will only cause your imagination to go into high gear, and you’ll be back to writing within a few days. At worst, your brain will turn to mush from the dull drudgery, and by the time you can retire from said occupation, you will have forgotten how you got stuck as a dishwasher in the first place.

2. If your book gets a negative review, do not think one bad review trumps all your positive reviews. If you do, at best, your faithful readers will not mind that you’ve suddenly changed narrative styles because you are talented in any style you choose. At worst, you will find yourself writing solely for the reviewer who doesn’t care about you or your books, and your readers will have to stage an intervention to prevent you from reading any more negative reviews.

1. If your book gets a negative review, do not stop writing. If you do, at best, you will suddenly have more time on your hands than you know what to do with. At worst, you will disappoint your readers and they will accuse you of emulating J.D. Salinger, which, of course, you cannot afford to do until you actually become J. D. Salinger.

 

 

 

This post was published in December 2013 by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since summer travel time is upon us, maybe there will be some helpful hints here.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Traveling With a Cat

10 When traveling with a cat by car, do not assume that your cat will not get car sick.  Take it for a short spin first.  Usually, five minutes is long enough to determine if you will need to pull over to the side of the road and empty the pet carrier of the results of a double-end evacuation response while keeping kitty contained in the car.

9 When traveling with a cat by car, do not assume that because your cat sleeps all day, it will also sleep through a two-day trip up the coast.  At best, your cat will keep a running commentary in cat-speak, attempting to convince you to provide a release from the confining pet carrier.  At worst, your cat will scream like a banshee, and you’ll end up with hearing loss as a lasting souvenir of the trip.

8 When traveling with a cat by car, and your cat is behaving in the worst-case scenario of #9, do not let your cat out of the pet carrier, thinking it just needs a little room to stretch out.  At best, your cat will simply continue to howl, but now with the added advantage of doing so directly into your ear.  At worst, your cat will nose-dive to the floor on the driver’s side, and you will narrowly miss a few or more accidents as you keep stepping on your cat while feeling for the brake.

7 When traveling with a cat by train, do not try to sneak your cat on board a train that you know is non-pet-friendly.  Just because you’ve trained your cat to lie across your shoulders like an overfed mink stole, doesn’t mean that the conductor will be fooled.  One growl from Fluffy might be enough to find yourself and your cat dropped off at the next station, if you’re lucky.  If you’re not lucky, you’ll be charged with animal abuse, and Fluffy will have the satisfaction of seeing you take the perp walk off the train.

6 When traveling with a cat by train, do not think that your fellow travelers will find your cat’s antics as amusing as you do.  Hiding under your seat and swiping at every foot that passes by within an inch of Smoky’s nose is, at best, annoying to passengers trying to walk the aisle unmolested.  At worst, you will have forgotten to clip Smoky’s claws, and so those needle-sharp claws will snag on every sock or exposed skin that passes by.

5 When traveling with a cat by train, do not think it is okay to allow your cat to use the seat upholstery as a scratching post.  At best, the conductor’ll simply admonish you to put Tigger back in his pet carrier (providing that you are not guilty of #7).  At worst, you will be made to take a pair of scissors, a needle, and thread and attempt to repair the damage done by Tigger (and he will watch you the whole time with great satisfaction).

4 When traveling with a cat by plane, do not think that once the seatbelt sign has been turned off that you can let Kitty out of the pet carrier stowed under the seat in front of you.  While you may think Kitty won’t bolt the second she senses freedom, in fact, she will.  In the best case, she’ll get no farther than the passenger next to you who just happened to bring a chicken sandwich on board.  In the worst case, she will go careening down the aisle and into First Class, lost to you forever.

3 When traveling with a cat by plane, do not assume that Felix, who had never worn a leash and harness before, will remain calm while going through the security checkpoint.  At best, Felix will simply attach himself to your leg like Velcro, and the TSA will defer giving you a full body scan.  At worst, Felix will make the Tasmanian devil seem meek by comparison, and you will be held financially responsible for the “pain and suffering” of the TSA agents if not tasered first.

2 When traveling with a cat on a cruise ship, well, first ask yourself why you would do that.  Then, if Merlin manages to escape from your cabin, the best you can hope for is someone finding Merlin huddled in the kitchen, sampling the chicken being prepared for that evening’s meal.  In the worst-case scenario, the ship’s crew will have found a new mascot.

1 When traveling with a cat on a cruise ship, don’t let the staff talk you into working Snowy as a mouser in return for a discount on your ticket.  For one thing, there probably aren’t any little mice on the ship, and what she comes across may just catch her instead.  For another, Snowy prefers Fancy Feast’s Beef and Cheddar Cheese Feast and will undoubtedly go on a hunger strike if she is served anything different.

 

This post was published on February 3, 2014, by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since we all are still writing, this may contain some good advice.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Writing a Novel

10  When writing a novel, do not try to explain what you are doing to anyone. If you do, at best, they will walk away shaking their head.  At worst, you might find yourself receiving an intervention by well-meaning friends and family that you didn’t know was being filmed until you saw it on Dr. Phil.

9  When writing a novel, do not assume everyone is waiting for it to be finished. If you do, at best, you may get used to the sound of crickets when it’s done.  At worst, people might start avoiding you on purpose without trying to hide that they are.

8  When writing a novel, do not ask your spouse to read parts and provide an opinion on how they like it.  If you do, at best, you might end up in an argument over whether you really only used your imagination in writing those sex scenes.  At worst, you both might end up paying a lot of money to a divorce lawyer.

7  When writing a novel, do not ask your children to be quiet while you write. If you do, at best, they will make even more noise, and you will have to find a way to soundproof your room. At worst, you might just be investigated by child protective services at the request of neighbors tired of the screaming and crying (mainly from you).

6  When writing a novel, do not think you need a rest by playing a video game or knitting a sweater sleeve. If you do, at best, you’ll lose your focus on your plot. At worst, you will finish the sweater and reach the god level in the game but never finish the book.

5  When writing a novel, do not try to decide whether you should plan the book or just write it. If you do, at best, you may get stalled on starting the novel and have to adjust your publication deadline. At worst, you may end up having an argument with yourself and end up not on speaking terms, which would totally blow your deadline.

4  When writing a novel, do not keep your own counsel on word usage or grammar. If you do, at best, you may get lucky and have only a few mistakes. At worst, you will need to leave town and change your name to avoid the laughter from your peers.

3  When writing a novel, do not do your own editing. If you do, at best, you may be surprised by the number of problems in your book.  At worst, you may want to book a trip to a country with no extradition treaty with the US.

2  When writing a novel, do not avoid rich characterizations. If you do, at best, you will have a book filled with pounds of boring material that not even you will want to read. At worst, you will need to find a decent disguise when meeting other authors and readers to avoid being called out by your characterizations of them.

1   When writing a novel, do not skimp on the plot, thinking your literary style will pull you through. If you do, at best, you might have a book you love but no one else does.  At worst, you might win the Worst Literary Book of the Year Award in recognition of your achievement.

 

This post was originally published on February 24, 2014. It was co-authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since we all write reviews (or should), I think it will still be helpful.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Writing a Book Review on Amazon or Anywhere Else

10  When writing a book review, do not provide a five-page synopsis of the book before you even start your review.  If you do, at best, readers will just skip the synopsis, and your efforts will be wasted.  At worst, readers will confuse the synopsis for your own work, tweet and blog about the review, causing it to go viral and guaranteeing a negative reaction by the author.

9  When writing a book review, do not simply say, “I liked the book.  It was really good.”  Readers want to know what you liked about the book.  If that is all you say, at best, your reviews will simply be ignored.  At worst, readers will ignore you in droves when they see you use the same response for everything from Fifty Shades of Gray to Five Billion Years of Solitude and decide not to take your reviews seriously.

8. When writing a book review, do not simply say, “I hated it.  It was a waste of time.”  If you really didn’t like a book, explain why so the reader can make an informed decision whether or not to read it.  If you don’t, at best, readers will just ignore your review, shrugging you off as someone who probably didn’t even read the book.  At worst, readers will take exception to your condescending attitude and begin to flag all your reviews as “Not helpful,” quickly causing your reputation as a book reviewer to go south.

7 When writing a book review, do not include spoilers unless you make it clear at the beginning of your review that it contains spoilers.  If you do, at best, only a few readers will be disturbed by your spoiler review, and they may even kindly point out your error to you.  At worst, a flame war among reviewers of the book will erupt, with you likely getting a call from the author’s pro wrestler brother-in-law, Tiny.

6  When writing a book review, do not think suggesting the author quit writing and take up dishwashing for employment is funny.  If you do, at best, readers will take you for the troll you are and ignore you.  At worst, you might find yourself suddenly and uncomfortably associated with bullies and brutes, a group of people who tend to eat their own.

5  When writing a book review, do not think the reader needs to know every typo, grammatical error, or other such boo-boo in your review.  If you point all these out, at best, your annotations might simply distract the reader from fully understanding what the book is about.  At worst, you may be hearing from the author’s attorney because you essentially duplicated the book in your review in your zeal to show your editorial prowess.

4  When writing a book review, do not think that speed reading through a stack of books and then spending a weekend marathon writing reviews will necessarily stoke your reputation as a book reviewer.  If you do, at best, readers might be impressed but still wonder about your sanity for producing 60 reviews in 48 hours.  At worst, near the end of your marathon reviewing, you conflate Goldfinch with the Peterson Field Guide to Birds, and your reviews become the laughingstock of Amazon reviews.

3  When writing a book review, do not think that just reading a book’s first and last chapter is enough to enable you to write an intelligent book review.  If that’s all you do, at best, you’ll wind up just writing “I liked it” or “I hated it” because you really can’t say anything more. At worst, you get called out by another reviewer when you mention the hero survives World War II when, in fact, the book is about zombies, and the hero turns into one in the penultimate chapter.

2  When writing a book review, do not think you need to become an authority on the author of the book you are reviewing.  At best, the author will be a stay-at-home mom with two-year-old twins who will feel flattered you think she actually lives a life of romance and danger.  At worst, the author could be a lawyer trying his hand at writing fiction and who will not take kindly to your suggestion to the effect: Since he writes from the point of view of a serial killer, he must have experience as a serial killer.  In this case, the lawyer may decide to role-play his novel with you as the victim.

1  When writing a book review, do not think you will gain fans and followers by being snarky and rude in your reviews.  Okay, you probably will, but consider what kind of fans/followers they will be.  At best, they will just be people with nothing better to do than be anonymously rude and snarky on the web. Eventually, you’ll tire of the negativity, change your Gravatar, and start writing constructive reviews.  At worst, the people following you could hack into your account and download every Gravatar you’ve ever used and all your email addresses, blogs, and previous book reviews. You will never escape them, making your experience a riveting plot for a dystopian novel. (Whew)