Top Ten Things Not to do on a Windy Day

Windy

 

The inspiration for this list is the over twenty-five mile an hour winds we have been experiencing since Thursday. Most of these warnings are a matter of common sense, but in the spirit of public service I will state the obvious. Hope you enjoy.

The Things Not to do on a Windy Day

10 On a windy day, do not think it is a good time to inspect your roof for leaks. If you do, at best the fire department rescue team will not be happy getting you down from there. At worst, you now need the rescue team to splint and bandage the results of a three-story fall. (Recall your last words? “Honest honey I’ll be careful.”)

9 On a windy day do not spit period. If you do, at best you might catch a gust in the opposite direction. At worst, you will need to pause your busy schedule for a shower. (Too bad you were eating licorice at the time.)

8 On a windy day do not think you can control the weed and grass killer spray. If you do, At best you will only take out the edge of the lawn. At worst, in three days your yard will have all the life of the Sahara Desert. (Did you not see the warning on the label? By the way, the damage is permanent)

7 On a windy day do not think you can spray paint that swing set. If you do, at best you will have an ongoing shadow of it on your lawn. At worst, the next door neighbor just realizes his new yellow convertible has a light overlay of Rustoleum brown. (Is that him at the front door with the police?)

6 On a windy day do not get up on that twenty-four-foot extension ladder. If you do, at best you will soon be calling for help as you slowly lose your grip on the top eavestrough. At worst, you and the ladder will end up in your living room after passing through the largest and most expensive picture window in the house. (Don’t worry a tourniquet properly applied will stop that gushing. You don’t know what I’m talking about you say?)

5 On a windy day do not be coerced into allowing the kids to fly their kites. If you do, at best on may be dragged through Mrs. Jones rose bushes. At worst, the FAA will be asking some tough questions about the violation of airspace by your kid and his Sponge Bob Square Pant kite.(You were almost sure that tree would have stopped him)

4 On a windy day do not think going fishing is a good way to spend the day. If you do, at best you’ll end up cold and wet without any fish. At worst, your rescue will be featured on the six o’clock news with the tagline,”Foolish tourist risks life by ignoring the small craft warnings.” (Forgot to turn on the radio did we?)

3 On a windy day do not think the golf game can go on a usual. If you do, at best you will break your record of high score and lost balls. At worst, the wind direction is such that you teed off, and the ball comes back and knocks you off your feet, and you get an expensive airlift to the hospital.(You thought that was going to be one of your longest drives)

2 On a windy day do not take a leisurely walk on the beach. If you do, at best you will be covered in sand from head to foot. At worst, you will receive a dermabrasion with the delightful side benefit of a bird dropping mask.( No. That stuff does not wash off.)

1 On a windy day do not think it is a good time to fertilize the lawn. If you do, at best you will waste a lot of fertilizer on your neighbor’s lawn and shrubs. At worst, you will end up in the pulmonology wing of the hospital as a subject of study of the after effects of poop in the lungs. (Could have worn a mask but nooo too much trouble.)

29 comments

  1. Reblogged this on Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life and commented:
    John Howell with ten top things not to do on a windy day. And may I add that the full, floral summer skirt that twirls around your knees can also twirl around your waist.. very unladylike.. I speak from experience!

    1. Thank you so much for the reblog Sally. I laughed out loud on your trials by skirt. πŸ˜€

  2. Great advice, John πŸ™‚ It sounds as if you are speaking from personal experience about some of these–especially #2 lol. You definitely saved the best for last with #1!

    1. Thanks, Traci. Yes, experience is the best teacher.Well, outside of folks like you.

  3. Great list John, I’ve done a few of those. After this weekend’s experience, I would add “not a good time to run the leaf blower” – once I put those guys up in the air, they went everywhere. The rake was more effective, but not by much. Welcome back to a normal Monday.

    1. Thank you, Dan. Yeah, normal is the operative word. Good to be back. Just a few more thank you’s (ahem) and then all will be quiet again.

  4. So I’m guessing windy days should be spent inside. Though I remember when Superstorm Sandy hit, there was somebody in the area who left out their wind chimes. Really surprised those things survived.

    1. We have a neighbor who put out wind chimes. Finally, he cut them down. The silence was deafening.

      1. Interesting. So they eventually become part of the audio scenery?

  5. Never go biking on a windy day or you will discover what every sailor knows as “apparent wind”. Clue, it will almost always be in your face.

    1. Ha ha ha. Have mixed directions many times only to b forced to struggle​ back against the wind.

  6. I was naive enough to think golfing in 30 mph winds would give me some added distance, but there was something wrong with the golf course. At every tee box, I had the wind in my face.
    I love that photo, John!

    1. The old God trick on golfers. Thanks Jill.

  7. I’ve played tennis on windy days — another mistake! Besides not hearing the ball bounce, no way can you get a racquet on it…with any control, that is. Love the photo of that poor dog — kind of looks like Dallas on a windy day — minus the jacket, of course!

    1. I remember in Indiana throwing the ball up for a serve and it went sideways. Thanks Debbie

  8. On a windy day, do not try to put up a tent. Hubby was hanging on for dear life to the canvas as he nearly took off like an under training hang glider but without the crash helmet.
    We ended up attaching storm ropes inside the tent as well as out that night!

    1. Good one. I had to laugh at the vision. Glad he wasn’t hurt.

      1. It was an interesting exercise! The wind was so strong, it actually buckled the frame of the tent. Neither us or the dog slept well, in fact she was keeping the rats away as we’d mistakenly thought the haystack would give us some means of shelter from the elements. Bless, her, only a pup, and she slept almost constantly for 16 hours.

      2. Whew sounds like an awful night.

  9. I hear you!! I once walked across the Charleston Harbor Bridge on a windy day. My sweat flew sideways, and I almost blew away!

    Finished the book over the weekend. (As a fellow author, I know how hard it is to hear someone blew through a book that quickly, but it’s GOOD.) I enjoyed it very much.

    1. I love quickly. Means you enjoyed it. Thanks Andra. πŸ™‚

  10. Loved them all, but the kites were my fave! πŸ™‚

  11. Reblogged this on Kim's Author Support Blog and commented:
    Love it!

    1. Thank you kim for the reblog. πŸ™‚

  12. All very good advice. I would add, “Do not wear a full skirt on a windy day…you can guess the rest.”

  13. I love flying kites and letting balloons go in the wind with messages tied to them 🎈🎏

%d bloggers like this: