Normally I post my Top Ten Things during this time. Today I am so pleased to have a guest “Top Tenster.” Charles has put together a laugh out loud list for you today. Charles is a gifted author, and his Amazon Author page will give more detail on his books. If you are unfamiliar with Charles Yallowitz and his fantasy series Legends of Windemere (I think maybe you have been in solitary confinement for the last three years), then I hope you will have the incentive to check out his first book. After all, the price is right and here is the cover.
So Charles, welcome, and the post is yours.
Thank you to John for letting me attempt a Top 10 list. Recently, I made the first book of my series, Legends of Windemere: Beginning of a Hero, permanently free. A tough choice to make after it being 99 cents for three years. Though there are worse ideas and here are ten book promotion methods that I wouldn’t recommend:
- Do not offer free flu shots with every purchase of your book. You are not a trained physician, and I don’t think your friend Scruffy is a pharmacologist. He may own a white lab coat and know how to spell ‘influenza’, but I’m pretty sure his degree is in Sandwich Artistry. Also, you’d lose money on traveling to all of your readers.
- Do not promote your book by skywriting an excerpt. Yes, it’s a unique idea that’s never been done. Though the reason is because you would run out of smoke before you get through the first paragraph. Not to mention the beginning will fade long before you get to the end. Does that say ‘dork and scurry right’?
- Do not brand your readers with a booby-trapped book. It doesn’t matter if it puts the Amazon URL on their forehead. Seriously, you need to be kept away from all of mankind until you get professional help.
- Do not tie a promotional kite to yourself and streak through a major sporting event. The cameras will all be on you getting tackled in your pixelated glory. Your precious kite will end up in a tree or trampled by the entire NY Giants defensive line and part of the Philadelphia Eagles offensive line.
- Do not try to get a celebrity endorsement by harassing them on social media and begging for permission to put them in your book. More than likely, you’ll make a public spectacle of yourself and get no reaction. Though there’s always the chance that they’ll respond with a restraining order.
- Do not make and maintain a Twitter account for every single character in your book. It might sound like a good idea for the main character, but nobody cares what Marcel the Blacksmith is doing after being mentioned in one sentence. Not to mention you’ll never leave Twitter to write your book and give Marcel a second sentence.
- Do not hold a raffle for your firstborn child and enter every reader into it. For one thing, it’s rude, and not everybody wants a child. More importantly, your spouse and their new friend in a white coat might have issues with this. Let’s not forget that it’s illegal too.
- Do not print out multiple cover slips for your book, go to the local bookstore, and put them on all of the bestsellers. For one thing, you never put a barcode on your creations and the cashier can simply write it up with a discount for damages. There’s also that security guard approaching to ask why your clothes are stuffed with cover clips. Enjoy the collection of paper cuts in uncomfortable places.
- Do not promise to include a copy of your sex tape with every purchase. There are many reasons why this is a bad idea. The biggest one is that it will result in your spouse saying, “What sex tape?”.
- Do not run for President of the United States to get attention as an author. Seriously, you could win and be put in charge of the red button. We both know how that will end, and cockroaches only read graphic novels.
Links
Grab Legends of Windemere: Beginning of a Hero for Free!
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Reblogged this on Legends of Windemere.
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Thanks for the reblog
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Thanks for hosting. Enjoy the week.
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You as well. Stay sane.
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I believe that ship sailed long ago. 🙂
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Well then stay safe. 🙂
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If you’re an author and you run for president, you are already going to lose the attention of Trump supporters, as I’m fairly certain they can’t read.
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Ha ha ha.
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Funny thing is that all 5 of the people in the race have books out. I was rather surprised about Kasich and Sanders. Though it could be ghost writers.
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There’s a waste of good trees, if ever I heard one.
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And we wonder why nature is out to kill us these days.
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Charles, I think I’d vote for you over any of the remaining candidates. I think politics should give us a mulligan.
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Thanks Craig. I agree.
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Careful. I could go mad with power and do something crazy. Though I’d probably spend all 4 years trying to make Congress’s life miserable.
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I think they are already miserable enough. I’m to the point that I think political seats should be awarded like jury duty. If you get picked, you serve the term. At least there wouldn’t be a bunch of cliques, and regular people would have to think through some things.
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I don’t think Congress is miserable. They become rich, do very little work, and can keep the job for a lifetime even if they’re horrible at it. I like the jury duty idea.
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Sounds like a world building issue doesn’t it? I may save that for a story I have in mind.
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Reminds me of how so many fictional politicians are corrupt and greedy, especially in fantasy.
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I have a science fiction piece next, followed by a fantasy. I think it could work in the science fiction tale. Got to finish Yak Guy first.
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Science fiction sounds like it would be fun with this. Honestly, corrupt politicians aren’t as common there as in fantasy.
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Well done, Charles!
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Thanks for the visit Jill. 🙂
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Thanks. 🙂
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Reblogged this on Kim's Author Support Blog.
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Thanks for the reblog.
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This is bad advice. Two of characters got into a flame war with each other and now have over 750,000 followers each. They are some of the most hated characters on Twitter… Hope no one finds out that they are both really me….
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Ha ha ha Only you could pull it off.
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That’s impressive and I have seen people pull it off with 2-3 characters. Though I was going more for the extreme of ‘every named character’ in the book. Can I ask who the characters are?
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Ah, the things authors try to promote their books, right? ‘Tis hard to stand out in a world where 15 seconds of fame generally is for BAD stuff!
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So true. Thanks Debbie.
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Very true. Sadly, it seems to be 15 seconds for the good stuff and 15 years for the bad. Guess the media and people love train wrecks.
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duly noted, but do I get my money refunded for the sky writer??????
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Depends on the company, I guess. Not a fan of heights. 🙂
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Thanks for the visit and the humor Geri.
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🙂
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Good ones, Charles! Gave me a chuckle! Would any of these work? LOL! Best of luck with your wonderful book!
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Thank you for the visit.
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Not sure if any will be effective. A little too scared to find out.
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Great work, Charles. Tough for me to pick a favorite. Here’s something for you and your gracious host. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxAKFlpdcfc
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Thank yah, thank yah very much.
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Thanks. 😀
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Great list. Very funny stuff.
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Thanks for the visit Don
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Thanks. 🙂
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Loved this!
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Thanks for the visit and comment. 🙂
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What a great list, but some of these are pretty close to what some authors have done, like #5 and #6. Yikes. As for #10, I’d vote for you in a heartbeat, Charles 😉
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Thanks Marie. I would too.
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In this country, it’s never too soon: Charles Yallowitz for President 2020!
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Love it.
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