Ten Things Not to Do During a Full Moon

 

 

Full Moon

Since last night the Hunter’s Moon was full, I was inspired to give some thought as to what we should never do during a full moon. I hope you enjoy it. Oh, for you scientists out there this is all made up. I write fiction, so when looking for truth, I would suggest anyplace, but here.

Ten Things Not to Do During a Full Moon

by John W. Howell © 2016

10 If there is a full moon, do not go into a graveyard just to see what will happen. If you do, at best you will challenge your all time best heart rate. At worst, the total recall of Blair Witch Project will have you running for your life. (So you thought you had everything under control didn’t you?)

9 If there is a full moon, do not ask that cloaked stranger for directions. If you do, at best it will be too distracted by the moon to answer you. At worst, it will offer you a ride which is your last. (Those hairy hands should have been a big clue)

8 If there is a full moon, do not back into any rooms period. If you do, at best you might trip and fall. At worst, that snarling thing that you thought you saw in the backyard is now on your back. (Every movie goer knows better, Bunkie)

7 If there is a full moon, do not act on the urge to make hay. If you do, at best there won’t be a lot of grass where you live. At worst, the farmer will think you are poaching his hay and call the police. (Or worse yet use that rock salt-loaded shotgun to clear his field.)

6 if there is a full moon, do not think your neighbors would appreciate a serenade about the moon and a spoon. If you do think so, at best you will suddenly realize why the term “rotten tomatoes,” is used to rate talent. At worst, the magistrate will have a tough time trying to justify letting you go free. (Maybe the psychological evaluation will put everyone at ease)

5 If there is a full moon, resist the urge to skinny dip. If you can’t, at best a quick dip with no one, the wiser will be your fate. At worst, after the dog takes your clothes and you are chasing him the spotlight of your neighbor’s security system bathes you in the light of high noon. (There is a tape that goes with that light, and your neighbor has a pretty high price tag on it)

4 If there is a full moon, under no circumstances do you need to harvest anything. If this advice falls on deaf ears, at best stick with canned goods. At worst, your quest for a fresh pumpkin at Whole Foods after hours could net you a free night in the county lock-up.( Your roommate Tiny is just not the type to feel good about you after the slamming cell door at midnight.)

3 If there is a full moon, do not argue with the traffic officer who just pulled you over. If you do, at best you’ve guaranteed yourself a ticket. At worst, the officer may be a graduate of an anger management treatment series. (Seems that his events are always triggered during a full moon)

2 If there is a full moon, do not enter a political chat room with the idea of defending your choice for President. If you do, at best you will be able to turn off your computer. At worst, somehow the room has discovered your real identity and are threatening to come right over. (Looks like you might need to leave town for a while huh Grover?)

1 If there is a full moon, do not answer your door or your phone. If you do, at best it will be someone you know. At worst, there will be a character you’ve never known saying, “I know what you did last summer.” (Yeah, this one is bad. You need to run now.)

52 comments

  1. Gwen Plano · ·

    Honestly, you are one of the funniest humans I know! 🙂

    In Missouri, I’d never take a midnight jaunt through a local farm…I’m sure they are prepared for strangers. But then, Texas farmers…I think they are too. BTW, what is a “rock salt-loaded” shotgun? Oh the gems I learn from your postings… 🙂

    1. Old time cure for trespassers. Farmers would load shells with rock salt and when shot would not kill just very painful in the little cuts.:-)

    1. Thanks for the reblog.

  2. Ouch… that rock salt would have to smart… and a double smart from the salt in the little wounds…
    John you totally slayed me this time — especially 5 and 4. Thanks for the Monday morning pick me up. Mega hugs.

    1. Always try me best, m’lady. Have a Marvelous Monday, Teagan. Hugs. 🙂

  3. “If there is a full moon, do not go into a graveyard just to see what will happen.” OMG! You crack me up, John. This was great! For whatever reason, I always sleep horrible during a full moon.

    1. Do you get any unwanted hair growth? Thanks, Jill. 😀

      1. I’m so glad. 😀

  4. Useful list. Though, what if you’re the monster?

    1. Hmmm. I would say to get a disguise use the list and do the opposite.

  5. I just had a new idea for a RAVE WAVES show, John. “HOWL WITH HOWELL” You could script a string of funny dialogues with one of us as your ‘straight man’. I’m sure we wouldn’t have to struggle to get a big audience! Hmmm… I don’t think I’m kidding.😎

    1. Sounds fun. BTW I rand for college freshman class VP with the slogan “Howl for Howell.” I won. (the visual was a wolf )

      1. I think it would be GREAT! Maybe something we could do together.

      2. I will leave the selling of management up to you.

    1. 😀 Glad you liked it.

  6. Ha – I already don’t like answering the door, John. Now, I’m tossing the dead-bolt.

    1. Excellent idea, Dan. Could put a chair in front as well.

      1. We also let Maddie bark. She has a really scary bark.

      2. I hear her. Saints for neighbors you have.

  7. Aw … hell! You slay me … oh wait!

    1. Ha ha ha. Thanks, Soooz. 😀

  8. Hysterical! No. 1 is my favorite 🙂

    1. Thanks, Mae Clair. I like it too. 😀

  9. Useful list. I’m glad to see Tiny is getting around again.

    1. He is doing time, however.

      1. At least it’s local. $100 plus time served.

      2. True enough. He’ll be out soon.

  10. Some nights, it’s just best to stay inside and read a good book… Happy Monday John!

    1. Thanks, Phillip. Happy Monday to you as well.

  11. Great list, John. It was a beautiful sight, though, wasn’t it?!

    1. Yes it was. Thanks, Debbie

    1. Thanks, Kim for the reblog

      1. My pleasure, John! 😀

  12. LOL….I always skinny dip…even in the day time…but the dog doesn’t bother my clothes. Clefairies spawn in Pokemon Go on the full moon. They are fairies and fight dragons really good.

  13. These are hilarious as always. You are a fount of hilarity. It occurs to me, I haven’t read any of these for a while. My loss and my apologies. 🙂

    1. Not to worry. I’m still here. 🙂

      1. Ha ha. Good to hear.

  14. Funny post, John. They better keep Tiny in jail. If he grows extra hair it’s really bad news O_o — Suzanne

    1. Ha ha ha. Good one, Suzanne.:-D

  15. Tried to get a photo of that moon. Failed. It was a beautiful sight.

    1. Yes it was. Moon photos need a backdrop (Building, mountain, howling wolf) or huge telephoto lens.

      1. Giggling so much. Howling wolf would be perfect! Make it happen, Sir.

      2. Hard to book. Most are very busy this time of year.:-)

      3. And those in costume just wouldn’t send the right message, I’m afraid.

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