Ten Things Not to Do on Halloween

~ John W. Howell

Halloween

 

 

I’m pretty sure I don’t have to explain  the inspiration for this list. Since today is Halloween, it is pretty obvious. Yes, there are some things on this list that I have done, but I’ll let you figure out which ones.

Ten Things Not to Do on Halloween

10 On Halloween, do not run out of candy. If you do, at best you will be marked as a cheap skate. At worst, the amount of soap on your windows will require a profession crew to remove. (That handing out pennies idea didn’t work so well did it, Rube?)

9 On Halloween, do not try to hide in the basement with all the lights off. If you do, at best you will miss out on some cute costumes. At worst, the gremlins, witches, and goblins will make it a point to discover why you are not home. (That glowing computer screen did you in Ferd.)

8 On Halloween, do not try any scare tactics on the trick or treaters. If you do, at best the neighborhood watch group will be paying you a call. At worst, Child Protective Services will have your house identified as a possible child abuse location. (I know it seemed funny at the time, but think of the scarred little psyches not to mention the accidents on your front porch.)

7 On Halloween, do not hand out home-made anything. If you do, at best it will all be thrown away. At worst, the local health department will be acting on a complaint and will insist on inspecting your kitchen. (That white glove sure looks bad in the light Bunkie.)

6 On Halloween, do not make the trick or treaters do anything for their treats. If you do, at best you’ll get blank stares. At worst you’ll get a visit from Tiny the WFF champion wrestler who is escorting the kids and he will insist that you dance or else get his special treat. (You don’t want to see Tiny’s knuckle sandwich up close.)

5 On Halloween, do not hand out toothbrushes instead of candy. If you do, at best you will win the “kook of the neighborhood” award. At worst, most of the trick or treaters will be polite but Tiny’s kid will insist on a candy treat while sitting on your chest. (It is funny what is passed in the gene pool isn’t it?)

4 On Halloween, if you insist on wearing a costume, do not make the trick or treaters guess what or who you are. If you do, at best they will not have a clue. At worst, they will all guess wrong and you will suddenly realize you have a screw loose for even trying in the first place. (Funny how some things go out of style quickly. It is surprising that the five-year olds couldn’t get your Tele Tubby costume. (Your favorite show as a kid right?)

3 On Halloween, do not attempt to pass out shots of alcohol to the parents of trick or treaters. If you do, at best you will be very popular until the wee hours of the morning. At worst, your neighbors will assume you have some kind of problem and will ask the police to make sure no kids get your handout. (That sure took a nasty turn, didn’t it Beauford?)

2 On Halloween, do not leave a bowl of treats on the porch with a note to “take one on the honor system.” If you do, at best the treats will be gone before sundown. At worst, the trick or treaters will ring your bell every three seconds in pursuit of a refill. (You quickly learned that “honor” in your neighborhood means “me first.”)

1 On Halloween, do not watch Nightmare on Elm Street, Psycho, Friday the Thirteenth, Amityville Horror, The Exorcist, Rosemary’s Baby, or any other horror movie. If you do, at best you  will need the day off tomorrow. At worst, the EMS crew will find it mildly amusing that you were in charge of your own heart attack. (You could have just read a book Bevis. At the scary part you could have put it down.)

64 thoughts on “Ten Things Not to Do on Halloween”

      1. I’m pretty sure you could have made this the 25 things not to do. Especially if you included “Devil’s Night” pranks that would probably be considered acts of terrorism these days.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh dear, I’m new to Halloween and doing it all wrong! 🙂
    Thanks for the good laughs, John. 🙂

    It’s very foggy and spooky in Norway right now, shiver …

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have to admit I did. I had two speakers on either side of the door and when the door opened this goulash, fiendish laugh rang out in stereo. Had a few leave a trail.

      Like

  4. Great list. The ‘do something’ ones drive me nuts since my son has no idea what’s going on. He doesn’t take well. to his trick or treat shout and get candy system getting undone. Don’t even get me started on the honor bowl thing. Half the neighborhood did it one year and the cauldrons were emptied by a pack of high schoolers. Very slim pickings.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. No problem, John. I’m used to about one in every forty or fifty of my comments deciding to visit some other blogger’s spam folder. I’ve never quite been able to work out why it happens, though. 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

  9. Absolutely loved this one! When my youngest son was in grade 10, he put a scarecrow sitting in a lawn chair on one side of the front door, while he dressed exactly the same way and sat in a matching chair on the other side. He just winked at the little kids, but he “came alive” for a group of teenagers that came to the door. I can still hear their shrill screams as they ran down the street!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. When I was really little I remember a house had candy out on the honour system, the older kids in front of me took all of it and I remember feeling very sad looking in that empty bowl.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh, I have another one for your list…
        If the little community Halloween parade stops outside your door, with the 6 big bass drums banging away so much that your entire house shakes… 1) Do not run out of the shower naked. At best the whole neighborhood standing on your sidewalk will scream in terror. At worst you will be arrested for an indecent Halloween costume
        2) When the house shakes and windows nearly come out of their frames (from those drums), do not open the front door and indulge in creative uses of the “F” word at the top of your lungs… At best no one will understand your screaming over the said bass drums, but point at the crazy woman. At worst… well the police again.
        Yes… there was another parade… Happy Halloween.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I actually ran out thinking my towel was still in place to chase a dog off the grass. I think I made it about fifty feet before the breeze reminded me of my condition. Going back was the hardest part.

          Like

  13. In regards to #1, my son and I were all set to watch The Exorcist Saturday night. Opened the Netflix envelope only to find – The Jungle Book (they sent the wrong movie). Don’t know that I’ll ever get over it – what’s Halloween without a good horror movie?

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Great list, John! When my husband and I first moved to our neighborhood, we thought about dressing up in costume but quickly decided against it as we didn’t really know how our neighbors would feel about that. And most of the kids that come by are just interested in the treats, no tricks 😉 We don’t have many (if any) young families in our neighborhood anymore so I suspect we’ll be taking bags of M&Ms to work tomorrow 😉 Happy Halloween, John!

    Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.