Top Ten Things Not to Do at Holiday Parties

~ John W. Howell

Holiday party

 

The inspiration for this list has been an adult life-long fascination with human interactions. There is no time like the holidays to go out and get an actual feeling of how people interrelate. I may have published some of these points under a different context, but it still bears repeating some of the advice again. I cannot swear I haven’t done any of these but don’t think so. Also a message to the Yale School of Psychology. This is all in fun and should not be used as part of the curriculum dealing with Holiday stress. With that disclaimer here we go.

The Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Holiday Party by John W. Howell © 2016

10 At a holiday party, do not assume because the drinks are free you can have all you want. If you do, at best you will find the next morning that the drinks were not free after all. At worst, you might wake up in the guest room bathtub and have no idea how you got there. (Your host was very pleased when you locked the door to the only bathroom in the house. Too bad the pounding on the door didn’t give you a hint, Bunky.)

9 At a holiday party, do not think an informal atmosphere will lend itself to getting closer to your boss. If you do, At best, you will only say one stupid thing. At worst, you wake up at 3:00 am realizing you told your boss exactly what you thought of the latest project. (Now you also remember the hurt look on the boss’ face since it was a pet project. Maybe you can say you had a brain aneurysm huh Ferd?)

8 At a holiday party, do not double dip from the crab spread. If you do, at best no one will notice, and you’ll be safe. At worst, unfortunately, you chose the moment when the boss was doing a video panorama and are now a piece of history. (The playback at the office caused a noticeable groan from your co-workers and several grabbed their zinc inhaler. Why you had to sneeze right after the double dip is anybody’s guess.)

7 At a holiday party, do not think of arriving without a host gift. If you do, at best you might be able to sneak in unnoticed. At worst, the host had requested in the invitation to bring an unwrapped toy for a needy child. (That will teach you to ignore letters. You never sent an RSVP either did you, Buster?)

6 At a holiday party, do not think everyone wants to sing carols. If you do, at best you may be doing a solo. At worst, you will be so annoying that the host will ask his cousin Tiny with WWF champ to see you to the door. (Tiny’s method of seeing people to the door is very similar to his winning body slam in the ring. Don’t worry nothing’s broken. It’s all fake remember?)

5 At a holiday party, do not try to get away with bringing a  cheap bottle of wine as a gift. If you do, at best no one will see you set it down.At worst, your host will thank you and suggest that you open it immediately to share with the guests. (Two-buck Chuck is so well-known Oscar that your face is now the color of the wine.)

4 At a holiday party, do not attempt to have controversial discussions with each conversation. If you do, at best you’ll end up talking to the dog. At worst, you’ll spark a debate that will ultimately engulf the entire room and eventually lead to the arrival of a SWAT team. (Well you did learn that politics is a hot subject didn’t you, Bucky?)

3 At a holiday party, do not think you have to entertain everyone with your jokes. If you do, at best you’ll find out quickly you are no Henny Youngman. At worst, most in attendance will enquire of the host about that strange person who is not funny. (The beautiful thing is your boss’ boss took down your name which should lead to some good stuff. Maybe at the next company huh, Milton?)

2 At a holiday party, do not suggest that everyone go out into the snow to see how beautiful the lights look. If you do, at best no one will follow you. At worst, your host will open the front door and promptly slam and lock it after you are gone. (It seemed like a good idea at the time didn’t it, Roscoe?. Now you need to call and get your shoes back.)

1 At a holiday party, do not ignore someone who asks for your keys. If you do, at best you will be breaking the law. At worst, you could be responsible for hurting yourself and more importantly an innocent victim. (Obviously, we all should remember not to drink and drive this holiday season.)

55 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do at Holiday Parties”

  1. Yeah yeah, I understand… but it would sure be nice if SOMEbody would tell them their projects are stupid… Scratch that — they’d still do the same moronic things. 😀 Marvelous Monday list, John.
    Time to get busy with my busy work. Mega hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Yepper — been there and recently. Didn’t pucker up or chant “Uh-huh, uh-huh that’s right!”, so off the “favorites” list. But when the CIO had to make a public apology to the top brass thanks to that one and the pucker-ers, that one got demoted. I don’t think they know where the door is…

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Love how you ended it on that very serious one. Can’t spread that tip enough, especially these days. There is always that one double-dipper too. How hard is it to flip the chip or whatever it is to the side you didn’t bite from?

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  3. Had a good chuckle at #4. I’ve not seen a SWAT team in action, but I’ve certainly wanted to escape intense political debates. Actually….this one might be good for the Yale School of Psychology…. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Ugh – ‘free’ drinks! My hubby once thought that a tenner of ‘hospitality funds’ would cover champagne cocktails for 6 at the hotel bar at the annual company thrash … Luckily someone relieved him of his wallet pretty quickly, but he did pull the bathtub trick (fortunately without mastering the lock) shortly afterwards, having somehow found his way back to our suite 😛

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  6. I’ve been invited to a party that is being thrown by a Hilary Clinton voter, and to which a couple of Trump supporters are also going. As Switzerland, it is my civic duty to attend. And when things really get interesting . . . invite all those peeps outside to check out the Christmas lights…and then lock them out.

    Great tips and laughs, Sheriff.

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  16. Fantastic advise John! Seems like some people act completely different at these parties after consuming the adult beverages. I speak from experience as one of those that had too much to drink and put my foot in my mouth. Shocked? I think not…. LOL

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Umm, I may or may not have accidently called the spouses’ boss “Rocky” instead of “Bobby”…either way, why do grown men in Texas still go by children’s names anyway. Thank goodness the boss loved my personality and swiftly ordered me another margarita. Phew.
    Great list. And brought back some fun memories of parties past.

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