Top Ten Things Not to Say to a Writer

~ John W. Howell

Writer meme

This list was inspired by going out into public over the weekend. I am always amazed at some of the things people say once they find out you write full-time.

10 If you meet a writer, do not tell them you have a book you have meant to write. If you do, at best they will walk away. At worst, they will ask how come you haven’t written it yet? (That is a pretty uncomfortable silence isn’t it, Bunky?)

9 If you meet a writer, do not ask about their royalties. If you do, at best they will offer to buy you a drink. At worst, they will ask you to pick up the bar tab. (That was the saddest poor-mouth story you ever heard, huh Ralph?)

8 If you meet a writer, do not ask about a movie deal. If you do, at best you’ll have to listen to the impossibilities of getting a film deal. At worst, you’ll have to supply the tissues and offer large soothing hugs. (It’s almost like this guy is never going to stop sobbing right, Tex?)

7 If you meet a writer named Tiny the WWF champ, do not tell him you have not read his book. If you do, at best his disappointment will cause you to cry. At worst, he will hold you on his lap and read it to you.( It is hard to get away isn’t it, Buford?)

6 If you meet a writer, do not tell them how you would have ended the book. At best, the look you get should be photographed and filed under incredulity in Wikipedia. At worst,   the writer might just leave the gathering and work out previous rejection traumas consuming a gallon of ice cream. (No, you are not invited to join the ice cream social, Putz.)

5 If you meet a writer, do not ask what they do for “real work.” If you do, at best they will humor you with lawn cutting stories. At worst, they will give you the impression that they eliminate ignorant people for money.( You have to admit if this guy writes as well as he frightens, he’s good huh, Bosco?)

4 If you meet a writer, do not ask them to review your manuscript. If you do, at best they will try to change the subject. At worst, they will say yes and try as they may never find the time to read it. (You should join a critique group Buster and quit bothering people you just met.)

3 If you meet a writer, do not ask them what brand of whiskey they drink. If you do, at best they will think you are joking. At worst, the writer will grasp the stereotype and provide you with an obscure brand name that cost $100 a bottle. (Pretty expensive way to get inspired hey, Pal?)

2 If you meet a writer, do not ask them what they do in their spare time. If you do, at best you’ll get a vague answer along the lines of washing the dog. At worst, you’ll have to stand and listen to what sounds like a description of a person with an Attention Deficit Disorder describing a typical work month. (The big question now is how do you make a getaway right, Prince?)

1 If you meet a writer, do not mention that you haven’t written a review of their book on Amazon. If you do, at best the smile you get is fake. At worst, you’ll have to hear a long story about how a writer knows if they are appealing to their readers. (Might have been better to lie, Buddy.)

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Published by John W. Howell

I have been working in business for over forty years and now have the time to work in special areas of interest. My passion has always been to create compelling stories of fiction. I have authored six novels and am working on my Seventh. The first novel is still in manuscript form and being utilized as a door stop in the laundry room. The second is a contemporary fiction novel of 89,000 words and is complete and I am currently seeking a publisher. I also write poetry but have not had the guts to share any with anyone. The one time I read a piece to a person their only comment was, “it doesn’t rhyme.” I will continue to write and hopefully my blog, Fiction Favorites at www.johnwhowell.com will provide some entertainment and an interesting thought or two. I live in the Austin area with my wife Molly and an assortment of loving pets.

135 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Say to a Writer”

  6. Coffee and your “Top Ten” are a great way to begin the day. Your points are the reason I try to hide what I do….#5 is too funny! LOL! Love the top definition of a writer – I so relate! 🙂

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  11. #3 is the only one I’ve never heard. Some other favorites:

    -I don’t really like fantasy, but good job.
    -Why not write what’s popular to famous?
    -Have you considered becoming one of James Patterson’s authors?
    -So is your book based on Harry Potter or Game of Thrones?
    -I bought your book, but probably won’t read it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That last one… yeah. I had a lady tell me she would like to read my book but she only reads good books. And yet, how would she know if it was any good, when she’d never read it? Hmmmm….

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Close. Most of the insults came from church. Which I left and will never go back to again. The rest came from family and old friends who are no longer fiends. It’s amazing the amount of hate out there in the world.

          Liked by 1 person

        2. Would not have guessed church. The oddest thing with many of these statements is that they’re said as if to help. Like the honesty is something you need because everyone else might be lying to spare your feelings. It just amazes me how often people will try to discourage an author, but not point out to someone going into law that there are tons of lawyers out there.

          Liked by 2 people

        4. Yeah, they do tend to think they’re helping, and when you tell them you’ve heard enough criticism they basically give you (well me) the deer in headlights look. As far as church goes, I hate to say it, but there’s a lot of judgment and backstabbing, at least where I was attending it was like that.

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        5. I get the ‘you need thicker skin’ speech if I protest. And people wonder why I don’t go out much and now have trouble figuring out genuine interest in my books. Honestly, I’ve heard that about a few churches. Seems counterproductive to the whole Jesus thing. I’m Jewish, so we just have the guilt trip.

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        6. Jewish guilt trip, that sounds fun. Not. At this point I’m what they call an Organic Christian, whatever that’s supposed to mean. I still believe in God and don’t blame him for the mess humanity made of the world. (Honestly, I don’t know why he hasn’t killed us all off yet!). But I don’t go to church or belong to any denomination.

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        7. It’s tradition and instinctive. You just end up doing it along with some level sarcasm. Once you’re old enough to do it yourself, you’re immune as long as it doesn’t come from your mother or grandmother. I’m Jewish light though. More a cultural than religious one, but not even that really. In the same boat as you especially since we do so much evil in Gods name. Maybe he is killing us off by not stopping us from doing it ourselves. He’s just thrown up his hands and walked away.

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        22. Yeah, I tend to tell them I homeschool my kids. That gets more respect and they think I’m smart, or something. Haha.

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  12. Oh, wow. I’ve heard all of these, and then I was told I had issues for getting upset about what they said. Thanks for this list. It really puts things into perspective.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Reblogged this on The Claymore and Surcoat and commented:
    If you’re a writer, or you have one in your life, then read this list. It’s not just humorous, but it’s 100% true. I’ve heard MANY of these from ingnorant people. So, maybe, read it and don’t be ignorant anymore?

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Hmm…. does Tiny have an engaging reading voice? Might be cheaper than buying the audio book, eh, John! Great list, good sir!

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Haha. Excellent list John. It’s no different for writers in the business world. Lucky, i get both worlds. If one more person hands me a document for edits and says “Make it pretty”…
    When a coworker learned I was writing a book, she asked when the movie would be out. She was serious. I appreciate the vote of confidence but…
    My favorite is when people hear you’re a writer and they instantly want to “collaborate” on a book. However, their definition of collaborate means they do no work, you write a novel based on their idea, at their direction, and they get all the credit and supposed money. Or so they think….
    Okay… stepping down from my Julia Sugarbaker soapbox. Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Awesome list… I laughed harder than I should have in reference to #2 and ADD. Your title needs to be a car sticker!

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  22. Great post, John. I love Charles’ comment “-I bought your book, but probably won’t read it.” What!?? Did you ask why they bought it? Olivia, what did you say in response to “she would like to read my book but she only reads good books?” Did you slap her silly? Why do people think they can make remarks like these? Don’t they know how personal these questions are? How would they react if you said they’d be good looking if they did something about their nose or that blouse they broke the bank to buy looks ridiculous on them?

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  28. Great subject for this week’s Top 10, John. You got me wondering how long Tiny’s book is. Would he mind me eating a tub of ice cream while listening to him read? Will I need to bring a sleeping bag? 🤔
    When I recently told somebody I was a writer (after they asked what I did) they replied: “so you can type then?” 🙄

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  33. I have been telling people I’m writing children’s books and the typical responses are “Do you want to be the next J.K Rowling?” like she is the only children’s book writer ever! – irks me every time! Love this article

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    1. I would say WhistlePig 14 Year Old ‑ The Boss Hog 2016 Edition (cask 19) Rye Whiskey. That will get em. Thanks for the visit. no one has bought me any Woodford reserve either.

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