Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Are Called for Jury Duty

~ John W. Howell

Top Ten Things Not to Do

 

The inspiration for this list was reading about Dan Antion’s experience with being called for jury duty. I asked Dan if he wouldn’t mind sharing what it was like. He graciously sent the rules of jury duty for my review. I have to tell you, Dan is the kind of guy who would never do any of these.

10 If you are called for jury duty, do not ignore the summons. If you do, at best the sheriff will greet you before you go to work. At worst, your co-workers will be entertained by the process known as the “perp walk.” (Who takes official papers seriously, Dubhgan? looks like the courts do.)

9 If you are called for jury duty, do not forget to wear your “jurist badge.” If you do, at best someone may confuse you with a lawyer. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ and newest member of the sheriff’s department will have you on the floor with your hand’s zip-tied behind you. (You do look good in that jumpsuit, Dughall. I know, it would have been kind of Tiny to ask who you were but he had a job to do.)

8 If you are called for jury duty, do not forget to check in with the clerk when you go on breaks or leave for the day. If you do, at best you’ll be marked absent and will have to serve again. At worst, an overzealous judge will think you are ignoring your duty and issue a summons for your arrest for contempt of court. (Now that past due parking ticket takes on a new meaning right, Duran? BTW what is a SWAT team doing at the front door with that battering ram?)

7 If you are called for jury duty, do not park anywhere but in the designated juror parking lot. If you do, at best you might get a ticket or be towed. At worst, you’ll return to your car and find it up on cement blocks. (Why are courthouses in the worst neighborhoods, Dusty? Oh look your engine is gone too.)

6 If you are called for jury duty, do not think being excused early means you don’t have to return to work. If you do, at best your boss will get a report of the hours. At worst, while you are celebrating the half day off in your favorite place, your boss and the boss’ boss all come in for lunch.(Kinda hard to explain why you are not at the courthouse, Devyn. Especially since it is after 1:00 and ten miles away from here.)

5 If you are called for jury duty, do not turn on the news in the juror’s lounge. If you do, at best the burley bailiff will turn it off. At worst, you will be singled out as the person responsible for the motion by the defense for a new trial. (Of course, the trial has been going on for four weeks, and now all your fellow jurors have you to thank for the huge waste of time, Dixon.)

4 If you are called for jury duty, do not forget to turn off your cell phone. If you do, at best you’ll get no calls. At worst, just as the defense has concluded an emotional final argument, your phone goes off blaring your custom ringtone by the Who. (That long serious silence the defense was counting on just evaporated in laughter, Daegan. I’m not sure how they will feel about that move. I do know the judge just pounded the gavel head into sawdust.)

3 If you are called for jury duty, do not forget to bring your lunch. If you do, at best there will be a vending machine. At worst, there will be a vending machine but no way to make change. (You can still use that fiver, Dallen but I agree, five bucks seems like a lot for a Snickers bar.)

2 If you are called for jury duty, do not ignore the rules for walking around the courthouse. If you do, at best you may wander into the wrong court. At worst, you may go through a door that closes and locks behind you. (This is great, Damak. You have entered the private chambers of the judge and are being asked your name and what you are doing there. I think the next step is forced removal by that burley bailiff.  Yup here he comes.)

1 If you are called for jury duty, do not think you can leave without filling out the attendance report. If you do, at best you’ll have to serve again. At worse, you won’t have proof you spent the last three weeks as a juror to give to your employer. (You thought the bureaucracy was terrible during jury duty. How about the red tape at the unemployment office, Danhy?)

 

89 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Are Called for Jury Duty”

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  4. Ah, jury duty. The ‘joy’ of standing around for a day and being moved around a courthouse until they tell you to go home. Think I always looked too bored and aloof to get picked. To be fair, I usually am bored and daydreaming by the second hour.

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      1. I always remember Homer Simpson’s advice to get out of jury duty. “The trick is to say you’re prejudice against all races.” I actually saw someone try that in Florida once. Not sure if it worked.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I think the court should start using this post instead of the “Jury duty is an honor and a privilege speech.” They don’t put a lot of humor in those lectures. Thanks for the kind words, John, you did a great job with this.

    While not a technical violation, there really wasn’t time to go back to work, so I may have bent #6 a little by going to the bar instead. Hey, I had to do some research for Saturday’s post.

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  6. In my forty something years of living in Northern Virginia, I only got called once…the week I was getting ready to move. When I came to Charlotte, I was called within the first year. It’s a good place to get some reading and writing done. Great list, John!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. The Who as my ring tone . . I am ALL about it, thank you!

    When it comes to his job, Tiny Tim has tunnel vision, which is a commendable trait for any employee. As long as you’re not in his headlights at the end of that tunnel . .

    Three weeks on jury duty with no proof? Thank you for my next nightmare, John.

    Peace and plea bargains

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    1. “Your honor would yo please caution the jury about falling asleep.” “The jury is reminded not to close your eyes no matter how boring the councilor’s remarks.”

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  14. One nice thing about being a journalist is NOT being called for jury duty. Can’t say the same for web designers and writers. Thanks for the handy tips, John!

    Liked by 1 person

  21. This was absolutely delightful, John. I really enjoyed it. As it happens, I just received a summons last week. Little did I know that being over 70 is enough to excuse a person from jury duty — at leas, in Galveston County. Best of all, it took about ten minutes to send in my form to their eJury services center and receive permission to cross that little duty off my list for the rest of my life. Hoorah!

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  26. To add to the list – if you are the (male) defense attorney, don’t walk into the ladies restroom when a female jurist is in there without reporting it to the burly bailiff. Another risk of having a mistrial declared!

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  27. Hilarious stuff, John. I only ever had to serve once. It was just for one day and I followed directions. No problem. Tiny might have found his true calling at last. I love the cartoon up top. That’s adding insult to injury but the guy probably asked for it. Have a great day. 😀 — Suzanne

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  28. This is good!! I love #4, and can picture The Who blaring on the phone. Hilarious! Then #6, running into your boss at lunch. And of course Tiny, just doing his job. Thank you for a great round of laughs, John.

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  30. Ugh! I can’t stand jury duty and for at least 3 years I was being called every year. The last time around I sent them a letter letting them know that they’ve called me three years in a row, while friends and co-workers my age have never been called in for jury duty––I went on and on. Needless to say, I have not been called back since. Phew! I felt guilty at first but then I said, “Nah!” There are plenty of people in the U.S.A., no one should have to do jury duty more than once. 😉

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  31. Good advice! I think I might be safe though… Seems that everybody’s name on jury duty starts with a “D”. I have a ways to go before they get to me.

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  34. I submitted to jury duty at the start of this year and it was an eye opener on many levels. I would not choose to do it again. This is a funny piece John. Hugs Xx

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