Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Have a Sitter

~ John W. Howell

Top Ten things not to do

 

The inspiration for this list was a discussion about Alexa and what would happen if one asked Alexa remotely to turn on the lights and music while a sitter was in the house. That was just the priming of the pump I needed to develop Ten Things.

10 If you have a sitter, do not say, “Help yourself to anything in the fridge.” If you do, at best the sitter will be on a diet. At worst, that weeks worth of shopping that you just put in the fridge will need to be replaced tomorrow. (It is amazing how someone so small can put away that kind of food huh, Eaton?)

9 If you have a sitter, do not ask Alexa to turn on the lights and music from a remote location. If you do, at best the sitter will call the police. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ who was hired after the local minister said he needed a chance to be responsible, will knock out each wall with a lamp trying to protect the kids. (Well the joke is on you, Ed. Looks like your good deed did not go unpunished.)

8 If you have a sitter, do not let them invite their friends over. If you do, at best the police will be called early. At worst, you will be reading how the party that started at your house spread to a city-wide night of rampage. ( That bill for repairs looks like the national debt, Eddy.)

7 If you have a sitter, do not let them prepare dinner. If you do, at best 100% of your dishes will find their way to the sink. At worst, the fire department could not find a hydrant that worked and could only watch as your house became a vacant lot. (Lucky for you there is insurance. Oh, wait! Someone forgot to send in the premium, and the cancellation notice is in the former mailbox, Elton.)

6 If you have a sitter, do not let them use your computer. If you do, at best your data cap was reached in two hours, and now you have dial-up speed for the rest of the month. At worst, your computer picked up so many viri the tech at the computer store declared it a DOA. ( It is a shame that you never backed up that 100,000-word novel, Evander.)

5 If you have a sitter, do not let them choose a movie on pay-tv. If you do, at best they will fall asleep after only one selection. At worst, you receive your bill and note that the sitter selected twenty movies and only watched six minutes of each. (Well, Ever. The charges stick after five minutes. You never said, “Just pick one.”)

4 If you have a sitter, do not leave the liquor cabinet unlocked. If you do, at best your sitter is a teetotaler. At worst, unbeknownst to you, your sitter was just released from a twelve-step residency program. The array of bottles was just too much. (Well this is a fine mess. Not only is all your liquor gone but the sitter insists that you need to pay for another stay in the clinic. After all, Elwood. You were the one who left that temptation.)

3 If you have a sitter, do not leave your checkbook on the kitchen counter. If you, at best the pizza box will cover it. At worst, on the next statement, you’ll find that the sitter has given a self-issued generous tip. (Don’t try to find the sitter, Eadward. Russia has no extradition treaty with the US.)

2 If you have a sitter, do not tell your friends who it is. If you do, at best the sitter availability will be rare. At worst, you will be in a bidding war for the sitting service and will only quit when the sitter earns more than you. (You would like to make that kind of money wouldn’t you, Eamon?)

1 If you have a sitter, do not let your kids influence your choice. If you do, at best none of your rules will be followed. At worst, before you know it you have an additional member of the family, and now you have to get a new sitter. (At least all the kids get along, Eberhard.)

60 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Have a Sitter”

  2. A hilarious post, John. I remember when our daughter was a teen. My husband used to sometimes put a favorite leftover from the Chinese restaurant in the fridge for the next day’s lunch. When he tried to find it the next day it was missing. Never trust a growing child around your treasured leftovers. 😀 — Suzanne

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  3. I think your imagination “pump” needs no priming. As always, this Top Ten list was hilarious. The “fire department could not find a hydrant that worked” and a computer “that a tech at the computer store declared a DOA”? Oh, my goodness – close-to-home fears. 😀 Have a great day, John. Try to stay out of trouble.

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  7. Fortunately, those days are behind me (until they have to hire someone to sit with me)…Hmmm, maybe I should keep this list around. I can see my wife hiring Tiny to make sure I take my pills.

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  8. Pertaining to #7 – years ago, we were at dinner with the parents of a sitter we’d used several times. She called her dad, and he asked if she needed to call the fire department. He’s a jokester, so we didn’t thing much of it – but he wasn’t joking. She’d set a bag of popcorn on fire in the microwave. Luckily, the fire dept wasn’t needed, but our house smelled like burned popcorn for weeks.

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  11. PS We once had a sitter who accidentally locked herself out of the house and spent an hour trying to get my three year old son to come to the door and open it for her. Her father usually called her every other hour or so, and when he couldn’t reach her, came over with a gun! He managed to get my son – with a stern voice – to open the door!

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  13. It’s been many moons since I needed to hire a sitter, but this brings back all the mixed emotions of hiring one (no wonder I just usually let baby Domer tag along with me!) By the way, #6 gives me the Heebie-Jeebies. You can’t know the feeling unless you’ve been there (and I have!)

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  18. This was a 10! Each one could have been one of those B-rated movies that have become classics. From the DOA on the computer to the liquor cabinet to the fridge to Tiny and Alexa. Outstanding, John.

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      1. Worst sitter experience out of many was the one who allowed my kids to bring ALL their toys to the garage because they “wanted” to. We came home to knee-deep toys!

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  25. As per number three . . you mean the Russians have commandeered the babysitter market now too? What AREN’T they into? Geesh!
    I am thankful that my kids are all grown up and I am no longer in the market for babysitters, lol.

    Love the list!

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