Top Ten Things Not to Do When the Heat Index is Above 110 degrees F (43.3 C)

~ John W. Howell

 

Heat

The inspiration for this list was yesterday’s high temperature and high humidity.

10 If the heat index is above 110, do not do your 10K run. If you do, at best, your water will run out at 5K. At worst, passersby will wonder what you are doing in the community fountain. (Look like the police wonder the same thing, Edan. I think your reason better be a little better than, “Trying to cool off,” since only a fool, crazy person, or a drunk would be running today.)

9 If the heat index is above 110, do not fail to say “excuse me,” if you accidentally bump into Tiny the WWF Wrestling champ. If you do, at best Tiny will be too hot to care. At worst, Tiny who just walked out of his affiliation addiction support group will honestly believe you hit him on purpose. (Coupled with the heat and Tiny’s need to be liked I think you are headed for a harrowing afternoon, Edwald. Running will only make him madder.)

8 If the heat index is above 110, do not get out that lawnmower. If you do, at best there will be no gas. At worst, you will get halfway finished before the case of heat stroke hits you. (The sad part is in addition to the hospital stay you are in violation of your home owner’s association rules on lawn care. You better have someone finish the lawn, Efraim before Mrs. Jones spots that half done lawn cut.)

7 If the heat index is above 110, do not go tenting as planned. If you do, at best you won’t need a fire to heat your coffee water. At worst, sometime during the night, the local bear family gets the idea you are a specially prepared dish called a naked ape roasted in canvas. (Yeah, there is no way you are going to talk them out of a meal, Eisa. Might as well give up that sirloin you were going to have tomorrow and count yourself lucky at that.)

6 If the heat index is above 110, do not think you will make it home with that gallon of ice cream. If you do, at best you should take a spoon. At worst, you’ll arrive home with a leaking container of melted ice cream which will leave a trail across the new carpet as you head for the kitchen. (I think you might just continue out the back door, Elazar. Pretty hard to explain the new chocolate on the white wool decorating scheme. As you leave, I would do a serpentine maneuver. Harder for a shooter to hit.)

5 If the heat index is above 110, do not think being on a body of water is going to cool you. If you do, at best the boat has a canopy so you won’t die. At worst, you will remember the poem The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner as you whisper through parched lips, “Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink.” (Time to get on the radio and call for help, Elfred. Of course, you will be lucky if anyone will answer a crazy man.)

4 If the heat index is above 110, do not escape the heat in the corner bar. If you do, at best the bartender will allow you to stay while sipping one drink. At worst, you will think you have to keep consuming drinks while sitting on the bar stool. (Now that you have beaten the heat, tell us how you are going to get home, Elija. You certainly can’t drive and walking is impossible as well. Maybe if you could talk you could ask for a cab.)

3 If the heat index is above 110, do not go ahead with that cookout. If you do, at best your guests will all cancel. At worst, they all show up and take on available liquid at an unprecedented rate. (Too bad all you are offering is your famous trash can punch, Elkhanah. It seems that no one is still standing as you serve your equally renowned ribs. Good thing you have lots of floor space.)

2. If the heat index is above 110, do not ignore the power company warnings about conserving electricity consumption. If you do, at best everyone else does, and you have no loss of power. At worst, your electricity shuts down, and you are now faced with a night of sleeping in a house with a heat index of 120. (Why is it when the electricity goes off it gets hotter, Elmo? Must be a law of some kind.)

1 If the heat index is above 110, do not forget your children and pets need extra care. If you do, at best you’ll be lucky, and they will be fine. We don’t want to think of the worst case. (Just keep them cool, Elwin. And for heaven’s sake don’t leave anyone in the car, A/C or not.)

74 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do When the Heat Index is Above 110 degrees F (43.3 C)”

  1. Good advice and some funny stuff, John. Running into Tiny in 110-degree heat would be double jeopardy. Running into him in any weather is dangerous enough. I can just see a bunch of people laying around with barbecue sauce smeared on their faces. That would be a sight. 😀 — Suzanne

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  2. Funny summer list! Yes the power can go out at some unpleasant times! I guess I can’t complain of 90s and dry;)

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  6. Or, as I like to say, “Start early and finish late, but skip in between.”

    Thanks for adding #1. We lost another child last week in Houston due to inattention and carelessness.

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    1. It is amazing to me how people don’t get the fact that it the heat in a vehicle can go above 150 degrees very quickly. Little ones can’t survive in that kind of intense heat. Thanks, Linda

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  9. One thing you may want to do is move to Western Oregon. Up until this week our summer has been pretty mild. This week, however, the forecast is predicting hot. Not your hot, thankfully. 🙂

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  13. For us here, it’s “only” 107, but I’ll still heed your advice #8. The only halfway good thing is tghat here it’s not humid.
    Have great day, in spite of the heat, and take care,
    Pit
    P.S.: Talking of our lawn – in at lot of spots it is more dry straw than grass. 😦

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  14. Excellent list, John! You guys do get it hard down there, that’s for sure. Thankfully, over here in the Montreal area, it is usually saved for a two-week heatwave…
    At best, we try to make like a slug and not move. At worst we try to get out shizzle done early in the morning or in the cooling(ish) evening!

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  15. Nothing could be more appropriate right now, John! I would add to the list, do not jump into your car with leather seats in shorts. At best, you only have first degree burns on the backs of your legs. At worst, your legs are now permanently glued to the seat. 🙂 Not that I’m speaking from experience.

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  16. Excellent advice mixed with just enough comedy, John! It’s hard enough getting ice cream home in 80-degree weather; I can’t imagine trying to do so when it’s 110!!!

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  17. Great list, John. I’m going to go with #1 being the very most important! And yes, please don’t ask me to light the grill, or my wife to turn on the stove. Put the cookie dough on the porch and wait an hour.

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  18. Great list. It actually makes me think of two summers in Texas in particular. 1) 1980 in Fort Worth – we had 15+ consecutive days of temps over 110° sans heat index. 2) September, 2005 – temps in SE Texas rose above 100° (sans heat index) for about a week following Hurricane Rita. We had found shelter out in the country about 50 miles away, not far enough. We lost power, no generators to be found for days. We cut off pants legs and shirt sleeves, washed clothes in ice chests (thank goodness for a gas kitchen stove), and bathed with the water hose. Fun times. 😓

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    1. Just shows we need to be tough to live in Texas. I liked your thought on your “about” page regarding parading crazy on the front purch. Pretty much true. Thanks for the comment, Barb.

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  19. John,

    You are the heat miser of top ten lists, my friend. I am digging the idea that you cook up a mean batch of ribs. And not for nothing . . or that I pay an insane amount of attention to these lists, but this is Tiny’s second consecutive number nine finish in your top ten. I am only mentioning this in the event he happens to be a blogger . . .

    I won’t grill on oppressively hot days, seeing as how adult beverages are a favorite part of my grilling and I can’t indulge on stupidly hot days. I prefer winter and fall, actually. Nothing like football and a grill.

    Number one beats all by a country mile!

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  20. Hilarious, John! And very timely. The trash can drinks at the barbecue, Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner Tiny, ice cream… a long list of great laughs!

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  26. Thank goodness you never suggest using the heat for frying eggs on a pavement or, worst still, on the bonnet of Tiny’s new car, John! He does like fried eggs, I take it?
    Stay cool, and thanks for the great advice that’s contained in #1. Here in the UK, the heatwave is breaking today. Phew!

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