Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Helped Found Germantown Pennslyvania in 1683.

In 1683, thirteen families from Krefeld, Germany, arrived in Philadelphia to begin Germantown, one of America’s oldest settlements. Since this week marks that anniversary, the Top Ten Things Not to Do provides advice (maybe a little late) if you found yourself part of that event.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Helped Found Germantown Pennslyvania in 1683.

10 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not wear your “I’d Rather be in Philadelphia,” T-shirt. If you do, at best your neighbors may wonder where your loyalties lie. At worst, you just might be left behind in Philadelphia to fend for yourself. (You are years away from the invention of the Philly Cheese Steak, Farvardin so life there may be hard.)

9 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not try and tell Sehr Klein (Tiny) the GWF (German Wrestling Federation) where he can camp. If you do, at best he won’t understand your American German. At worst, you caught him just as he was released from a program of forced restraint and now wants to be free. (Looks like Sehr Klein has designs on demonstrating his Step Over Toe Hold on you, Fay. You do know how to wrestle, don’t you?)

8 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not admit you don’t like beer and would rather have a white wine. If you do, at best the rest will be grateful there is more for them. At worst, the powers that be may come to the conclusion you are  French. (Now you have to worry about being invaded, Felican. Don’t worry just surrender and all will be well.)

7 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not think clever nicknames will be appreciated by your explorers. If you do, at best no one will answer when you use them. At worst, folks will get the idea you are possessed. ( If you hold your breath long enough you may survive the witch’s dunk tank, Felton. You now regret calling the leader “Fritz,” don’t you?)

6 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not refuse to live in a cave-like dwelling. If you do, at best you’ll be able to find a tent. At worst, you will not have a place when the winter snows settle in. (The cave homes were temporary, Feri. I think you ought to change your mind before those blue feet fall off.)

5 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not suggest a night on the town in Philadelphia. If you do, at best it is a six-mile walk, and you’ll have to go alone. At worst, you’ll get some friends to join you, and they will make you the designated transport person. (Nothing like trying to carry a couple of passed out revelers, huh Finnan? Too bad horses won’t be brought to Germantown for another three years.)

4 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not suggest solving the food shortage with a delivery from Dominoes. If you do, at best your cohorts will think you crazy. At worst you will be tasked with going out foraging for nuts, berries, and squirrel. ( Looks like your nut allergy is going to sideline your efforts, Fidello. Good luck explaining what a nut allergy is to these fifteenth-century roughnecks)

3 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not complain when you get a blister on your hand from chopping down trees. If you do, at best you will become the laughing stock of the settlement. At worst, you will be assigned a new job that is even harder. (How do you like playing the Ox on the front of that plow, Fionan? That whip sure clears the sinus huh?)

2 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not try to form a football team to play Philadelphia. If you do, at best you might get one or two players. At worst, you’ll field a whole team and have to face the Phillies. (Did you think this through, Finnolaugh? Those guys are huge and don’t have to walk six miles to play.)

1 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not try to sell brightly colored cloth and jewelry. If you do, at best you have no buyers. At worst, since the community is made up of Mennonites, you might be the recipient of a religious intervention. (Nothing more elegant than having a group of bearded elders trying to exorcize the devil, huh Flainn? Wow that red-hot poker looks wicked.)

51 comments

  1. Gwen Plano · · Reply

    Gosh, I’m grateful to be born in this century. Thank you for the journey back in time and the accompanying levity. Have a great day, John. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you enjoyed it, Gwen. Thank you. 😀

      Like

  2. I’m safe…I can’t imagine choosing white wine over beer. 🙂 Happy Monday!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha ha ha, Thanks, Jill

      Like

  3. Great list, but the thought that the beloved cheese steak could be bratwurst and sauerkraut is a little too scary, for a Monday, John. Keep those settlers in camp. Three years until they brought horses? Who was the genius that came up with that plan?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The original 13 families had very little when they arrived. They had to walk the six miles to work until they became established.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. And I complain about my commute – sheesh.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Me too and mine is two minutes.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Marvelous historical background, dear John! Only German sausages are missed 🙂 🙂 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      1. 🙂 I knnow what has happened with them….Twiggy’s ancestors has eaten them. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I thought I remembered that the Lutheran Seminary in Philadelphia was located on Germantown Avenue. Indeed it was. This could explain a few things!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The Lutherns were responsible for the Germantown settlers to leave Germany in the first place. Very curious haveing seminary there. Must be let bygones be bygones.

      Like

  6. I love how these posts make it sound like a clumsy time traveler is on the scene.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thant is the vibe I’m going for so thank you. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  7. John,

    Personally, I think if you turn up your nose to wine . . you deserve what you get. And not for nothing, but the local football club out of Philadelphia might have to relocate to Germantown if they don’t get their act straight soon . . .

    Love your top 10s!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. But, but, the Phillies are a baseball team.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thats the point. They used to be a foot ball team.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Howling with laughter! Tiny as a German, Mennonites and bright clothing, white wine and the French… thank you, John!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so glad you liked it, Jennie.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. A reading delight, John. Best to you.

        Liked by 1 person

  10. This was extra funny! Loved the white wine and nut allergy.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Eilene. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Good morning, John,
    “In 1683, thirteen families from Krefeld, Germany, arrived in Philadelphia to begin Germantown”: I had no idea that the settlers came from my hometown in Germany!
    Have a wonderful day,
    Pit

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Now you do which makes me happy to bring that news. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks for the info, John! Actually, I should say my hometown is Linn, nowadays, as a suburb of Krefeld, is called Krefeld-Linn. But the traditionally-minded Linner considers that close to an insult as Linn reveived its town charter before Krefeld [at the beginning of the 14th century], and only later was overtaken economically and then taken over.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’m with the Linner’s. They should have first charter rights. Linn-Krefeld forever

        Like

  12. #8 -White wine, here! Had enough beer during my Navy days! The leaders could not mistake my southern accent for ‘French’ so no problem there! ♥♥♥

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think you are right, Billy Ray. Theres no mistaking that drawl.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Another good one, John! Didn’t know being whipped would clear sinus, but it’s probably as humane as being treated with antibiotics!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m not sure it works it just seems to me a nice whiplash would cause everything to clear.

      Like

  14. I’m a fan of white wine (prefer red), but it depends on the kind of beer – the darker the better. Another good one, John.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I like it all.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. D.L Finn, Author · · Reply

    It would be hard to have that beer and no Dominos to go with it in that cave.
    Fun list John.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree, Denise. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Ten out of ten

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Goeff.

      Liked by 1 person

  17. I love it especially as I am from German immigrant stock. I would not want to upset Sehr Klein even on a good day!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Very wise on Sehr Klein, Darlene.

      Liked by 1 person

  18. Most entertaining John. I once worked with a guy who came from a Mennonite background, he described them as different from the Amish folk in that the Mennonites had a phone.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sounds like a big difference. Thanks, Michael

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Hilarious!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Jan.

      Liked by 1 person

  20. Anyone would be wise as in #7 to not give a suspicion of themselves being a witch. The only member of the group who has no worries is Tiny. They probably brought him along to chop trees and lift heavy stuff. It would take the whole colony to dunk him. Great list, John. 😀 — Suzanne

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t think anyone would have the courage to call Tiny a witch.

      Liked by 1 person

  21. Reminds me of the time I asked for wine in a restaurant in Germany. The looks I got from the waitress. Anybody would have thought I had asked to see the dessert menu before the main course was served.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. A great post, these ones always give me a smile and I learn interesting facts from the too. A win / win situation.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so glad, Robbie. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

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