In 1683, thirteen families from Krefeld, Germany, arrived in Philadelphia to begin Germantown, one of America’s oldest settlements. Since this week marks that anniversary, the Top Ten Things Not to Do provides advice (maybe a little late) if you found yourself part of that event.
Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Helped Found Germantown Pennslyvania in 1683.
10 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not wear your “I’d Rather be in Philadelphia,” T-shirt. If you do, at best your neighbors may wonder where your loyalties lie. At worst, you just might be left behind in Philadelphia to fend for yourself. (You are years away from the invention of the Philly Cheese Steak, Farvardin so life there may be hard.)
9 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not try and tell Sehr Klein (Tiny) the GWF (German Wrestling Federation) where he can camp. If you do, at best he won’t understand your American German. At worst, you caught him just as he was released from a program of forced restraint and now wants to be free. (Looks like Sehr Klein has designs on demonstrating his Step Over Toe Hold on you, Fay. You do know how to wrestle, don’t you?)
8 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not admit you don’t like beer and would rather have a white wine. If you do, at best the rest will be grateful there is more for them. At worst, the powers that be may come to the conclusion you are French. (Now you have to worry about being invaded, Felican. Don’t worry just surrender and all will be well.)
7 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not think clever nicknames will be appreciated by your explorers. If you do, at best no one will answer when you use them. At worst, folks will get the idea you are possessed. ( If you hold your breath long enough you may survive the witch’s dunk tank, Felton. You now regret calling the leader “Fritz,” don’t you?)
6 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not refuse to live in a cave-like dwelling. If you do, at best you’ll be able to find a tent. At worst, you will not have a place when the winter snows settle in. (The cave homes were temporary, Feri. I think you ought to change your mind before those blue feet fall off.)
5 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not suggest a night on the town in Philadelphia. If you do, at best it is a six-mile walk, and you’ll have to go alone. At worst, you’ll get some friends to join you, and they will make you the designated transport person. (Nothing like trying to carry a couple of passed out revelers, huh Finnan? Too bad horses won’t be brought to Germantown for another three years.)
4 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not suggest solving the food shortage with a delivery from Dominoes. If you do, at best your cohorts will think you crazy. At worst you will be tasked with going out foraging for nuts, berries, and squirrel. ( Looks like your nut allergy is going to sideline your efforts, Fidello. Good luck explaining what a nut allergy is to these fifteenth-century roughnecks)
3 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not complain when you get a blister on your hand from chopping down trees. If you do, at best you will become the laughing stock of the settlement. At worst, you will be assigned a new job that is even harder. (How do you like playing the Ox on the front of that plow, Fionan? That whip sure clears the sinus huh?)
2 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not try to form a football team to play Philadelphia. If you do, at best you might get one or two players. At worst, you’ll field a whole team and have to face the Phillies. (Did you think this through, Finnolaugh? Those guys are huge and don’t have to walk six miles to play.)
1 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not try to sell brightly colored cloth and jewelry. If you do, at best you have no buyers. At worst, since the community is made up of Mennonites, you might be the recipient of a religious intervention. (Nothing more elegant than having a group of bearded elders trying to exorcize the devil, huh Flainn? Wow that red-hot poker looks wicked.)