Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Battle of Waterloo

~ John W. Howell

Waterloo

The Battle of Waterloo by Clément-Auguste Andrieux

This post continues the historical tableaux for the Top Ten Lists. As always I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not volunteer to carry the French Eagle battle standard. If you do, at best your application will be lost. At worst, every British and Prussian soldier will be trying to take it from you. (So how does it feel, Flannery, having 15,000 swords all waving at you?)

9 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not continue to try to meet Emperor Napoleon if Tiny the WWF champ tells you to go away. If you do at best, you may get thrown out. At worst, Tiny who just finished his last group session on self-esteem may think you don’t respect him. (Uh oh. Looks like Tiny is priming that musket, Floinn. Might be a good time to try out the Air Jordans.)

8 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not order Napoleon Brandy as an after-dinner drink while dining with the British Commander the First Duke of Wellington. If you do, at best the restaurant won’t have any. At worst, the Duke’s team will think you a spy. (You just finished your last meal, Fonzie. I hope you enjoyed it.)

7 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not offer to be a Henry Kissinger-like, peace negotiator. If you do, at best you will cause uproarious laughter. At worst one side will take you up on your offer. (But the other side has decided to use you as a target for practice. Might as well put that white flag down, Forrester. It’s not going to stop 15,000 lead balls heading your way.)

6 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, as the brandy example, do not order beef Wellington at Napoleon’s staff dinner. If you do, at best they will all think they did not hear you right. At worst, someone will get the idea that it would be fun to have a dual. (Guess who has been chosen as the duelee, Fortune? Yup. Better find a second fast.)

5 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not take Emperor Napoleon’s horse for a fast getaway. If you do, at best he has a spare. At worst, the horse has been trained to return to Napoleon with a whistle. (This is a fine kettle of fish you have gotten yourself into, Francois. You can add horse thief to the charges of treason, sedition, and spy. Don’t worry though you only have one life to give.)

4 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not ask your British commander about tea time. If you do, at best he will think you are joking. At worst, he will assign you the job of going to the French lines to get a croissant to go with the tea. (I’m not surprised the French started shooting at you, Franky. Everyone knows croissants are for breakfast, not afternoon tea.)

3 If you are at the battle of Waterloo, do not try speaking French to the French to be better understood. If you do, at best you will be disappointed. At worst, your BonJour greeting will be met with a hail of bullets. (I guess it is your American accent that gets in the way, Franz. Try Spanish next time.)

2 If you are at the battle of Waterloo, do not turn your map upside down to get a different view. If you do, at best your general will get dizzy. At worst, the general will order the charge of the Scots Greys in the wrong direction. (Now you are charging alone in the right direction, Frazier. Good luck when you meet the French Chevau-légers of the line  (lancers) They look pretty mean too.)

1 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not keep your souvenir stand open after the first cannon salvo. If you do, at best you will have few customers. At worst, you’ll have to take cover. (The cannonballs seem to be attracted to your stand, Freeowine. Maybe cheap trashy gifts have that effect on hot, heavy, metal balls flying through the air.)

77 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Battle of Waterloo”

  5. I guess I’ll take that Beef Wellington to go. I’d try bribing Tiny, but he probably also just completed an “ethics in battle” course. Looks like I’m doomed.

    Great list, John.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. It seems a lot of people thought of “that song.” It occurred to me that, if you were at the Battle of Waterloo, you shouldn’t introduce the troops to it. At best, you’d have to try and explain time travel. At worst, you’d have to try and explain ABBA (whom I dearly love).

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  10. John, thanks for your tips on what not to do at the Battle of Waterloo but how about something a little more up to date, like the Battle of the Loo? We are still fighting over whether the toilet paper goes over or under and I fear the battle might be lost.

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        1. She is the champ. To her it doesn’t matter which way it unrolls. She takes her nose and pushes the roll off the hook (all our toilet rolls are on hooks). After that a roll lasts about twent seconds.

          Liked by 1 person

  12. As always, so funny. I’m a big ABBA fan, so I suspect I’ll be singing Waterloo throughout the day. Thank you for the morning smiles. 😀

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  17. As funny as these lists are, I’m always impressed by your knowledge… and seriously, who would be so foolish as to have their souvenir stand so close to enemy lines! 😉

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  20. Considering #1, John, how does one get souvenirs of a battle still in progress? Wouldn’t that be considered stealing to one side or the other? Would you be selling t-shirts saying “I was at the Battle of Waterloo” and survived with only this t-shirt? Great list, John. 😀 — Suzanne

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  21. Glad you sorted out the British afternoon tea and the croissant mix up, John. Although I suppose if there’s raspberry jam involved, I would not say no to a croissant at 4 O clock in the afternoon, especially if it’s a champagne afternoon tea.

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  22. John,

    I would definitely watch this battle on the History Channel! PPV if it came to that. And it’s too bad as per the Beef Wellington, since that has always been a favorite of mine.
    It got me thinking, what IF the British had won that little skirmish we had with them in our backyard forty years earlier, “Tea Time” wouldn’t mean “Tee Time”! And if Napoleon hadn’t been so greedy, his nightcap might never have happened. Ironic how the reckless ambition of leaders such as he can gain them power but how such a thing is tenuous as far as holding onto that power.

    Love your lists!

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    1. Tiny is my rock. He keeps me centered. He is the one constant in the lists. He already warned me about fudging on the roayalities in the context of squeezing a melon. Thanks, Andrew.

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