Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Boston Tea Party in 1773

Top Ten Things not to do

 

This post continues the Top Ten Things Not to Do with a historical backdrop. Since December 16, 1773, is the anniversary of the Boston Tea Party the Top Ten list will help you avoid any trouble should you time travel to the event.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Boston Tea Party by John W. Howell © 2018

10 If you go to the Boston Tea Party, do not wear your “Stay Calm and Pay Your Stamp Tax,” sweatshirt. If you do, at best your outer coat will cover it. At worse, several colonists will notice it all at once. (Well, Garrick, it looks like you are going into the Boston harbor along with those 342 chests of tea. Hope you can swim.)

9 If you go to the Boston Tea party, do not stop Tiny the WWF champ if he starts throwing other stuff besides tea into the Boston Harbor. If you do, at best Tiny will be so engrossed trying to rip off the mast that he’ll think you are trying to help. At worst, Tiny who just failed his anger management course will stop tearing up the deck of the boat to concentrate on you. (Looks like it might be a good time to practice your rope climb, Garsone. I have it on good authority Tiny likes to rip things in two before tossing them in the harbor. It helps with his anger issue.)

8 If you go to the Boston Tea Party, do not tell Samuel Adams how much you enjoy his beer. If you do, at best he’ll give you a puzzled look. At worst, he will question you extensively about what you mean. (Good luck avoiding spilling the beans about time travel, Gaven. You’ll be lucky to escape a witches trial for what will sound like lies.)

7 If you go to the Boston Tea Party, do not ask the crew to save you some Earl Grey. If you do, at best they will think you are joking. At worst, such a request would be perceived as something a royal would make. (This is great. You are now being taken for a British royal, Gavyn. You are going to have a hard time floating once that chest to which you are chained becomes water soaked.)

6 If you go to the Boston Tea Party, do not try to convince the crew that the Mohawk Indian disguise is not politically correct. If you do, at best you’ll get some puzzled looks. At worst, the crew will think you are disrespecting them. (These guys have ways of dealing with disrespect, Gaynor. How’s that Mohawk haircut feel? I hope that ax was sharp enough to cut and not pull your hair out.)

5 If you go to the Boston Tea Party, do not try to convince the captain of the British ship Beaver that the name of his ship should be changed to a more socially acceptable name. If you do, at best he will be too busy trying to repel raiders to listen. At worst, you will be the only member of the raiding party to be clapped in irons. (How do you think you will raise the money to compensate for the tea loss, Gedalya? In today’s dollars the $18,000 loss is $553,254.15. You do know debtor’s prison terms are a real thing back then?)

4 If you go to the Boston Tea Party, do not bring scones and clotted cream. If you do, at best your fellow raiders will think you’re nuts. At worst, you’ll be sent home to write 1000 times, “I will not joke about the Tea Party.” (When you turn in your paper to Sam Adams, Genius, I would bring a gift. You just might save yourself from being deported to England. Not too many in England are amused about the loss of the tea.)

3 If you go to the Boston Tea Party, do not hum “America the Beautiful” while you dump your assigned tea crates. If you do, at best your fellow raiders are too busy to take notice. At worst, a raider might think you are humming “God Save the King.” ( His look is anything but comforting, Georgie. I think I would prepare to get wet if I were you.)

2 If you go to the Boston Tea Party, do not forget to mute your cell phone ringer. If you do, at best in the noise of the raid no one will hear it. At worse, the entire raiding party will stop what they are doing and look at you in stunned silence. (You gotta hope that whoever is calling you, Geremia will hang up now. If you pull out that cell phone, you might as well jump overboard and take your chances with the British.)

1 If you go to the Boston Tea Party, do not ask your fellow raiders if they are red sox fans. If you do, at best they will think you are talking about foot coverings. At worst, your fellow raiders will think you are talking in code, and since you used the color red, you are a British agent. (The key to surviving walking the plank, Gergor is to get those ropes wrapped around your arms off quickly. Sounds impossible you say? Fair enough. Can you hold your breath for twenty minutes?)

62 comments

  1. #6 really should be turned into a comedy sketch.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I could see that on SNL.

      Like

  2. Ah-ha, picking on my Red Sox, eh! I’ll have my Santa teach you a thing or two – if he ever gets there…..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Poor mule. Thanks, GP.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You have to admit though, Sam Adams is pretty good. Great list, John!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes it is true. Thanks, Jill

      Liked by 1 person

  4. “Tea, Earl Grey, Hot!” I guess channeling my inner Captain Picard wouldn’t be a good idea. So many ways to end up in the drink. Good list, John. I think I’ll leave time travel to the experts.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Time travel is tricky for sure. Wise move leaving it to the experts. Thanks, Dan

      Liked by 1 person

  5. When I heard yesterday that it was the anniversary of the Boston Tea Party (and that contemporary Boston threw their traditional party) I wondered if you’d pick up on it. You didn’t disappoint! A great top ten: except that now I really do want a scone, and it’s going to take more effort than I can summon to get one.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. A nice blueberry scone would go well right about now. Thanks, Linda.

      Like

  6. This is what happens when the British invite you to tea and they run out of those little cucumber sandwiches. If this had been Detroit, they would have burned the ships too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Since Detroit is my home town I have to agree. Thanks, Craig

      Liked by 1 person

      1. So how did you wind up a Steelers fan? My excuse is there was no team in Nevada.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I became a fan by marriage. I had not connected to a team (certainly not the Lions) so after marrage I was hooks. Loved the game yesterday.

        Liked by 2 people

      3. I was biting my nails.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Me too. The problem with the Steelers is in any given minute they could be brillent or awful. It almost seems like a coin toss. I must say the defense was terrific.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Of course you loved the game… 😖😩

        Liked by 1 person

      6. I did so much you can not imagine. Ooops ahem….sorry for your loss.

        Liked by 1 person

      7. You are NOT sorry for my loss at all. And you just partied and cheered. Well… maybe Twiggy will root for the Patriots… probably not. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

      8. No . She knows better. She has a kibble interest in the Steelers.

        Liked by 1 person

      9. Sigh! Well, at least I tried. Kibbles will certainly do it.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. do not try to convince the crew that the Mohawk Indian disguise is not politically correct. If you do, at best you’ll get some puzzled looks

    [snarf]

    You know… they could have dressed up as WASPs. Just say’n.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know right. Should have gone with powdered wigs and red coats.

      Like

  8. Hah, very cute! One of my favs is that joking about the Tea Party one LOL!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Luanne.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. But I love scones.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. And I so looked forward to scones and clotted cream along with Earl Grey tea. Good thing I stayed home in Canada. A good one, John.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes. Don’t let the scones bait you to join that crew.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. No, doubt their Patriot fans. LOL
    Good one John

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think you may be right, Andrew.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Would dumping cream and sugar into the bay be considered a bad joke?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Perfectly acceptable. Would that be one ton or two?

      Like

  13. Lol! My personal favorite was #4. I like scones. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Me too. My favorite is blueberry.

      Like

  14. Holding one’s breath for 20 minutes sounds next to impossible, John, I can see Tiny trying to split things in half before he tosses them overboard — what a picture!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It is impossible so hence the do not caution. Tiny is a stitch for sure. (I wish he would get a job though)

      Like

      1. He has a job — keeping you on your toes, wondering what he might do or say next 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      2. So true, Debbe.

        Like

  15. The Red Sox and humming America the Beautiful – priceless, John. And your sweatshirt, always hilarious. Great post. Thanks for making my Monday. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Jennie. Love to crush Mondays.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome, and crush away! 😀

        Liked by 1 person

  16. Reblogged this on Author Don Massenzio and commented:
    Check out this post from John Howell’s Fiction Favorites blog with The Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Boston Tea Party

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Ha #10 is my favorite

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Glad you liked it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah I could just picture a guy wearing that sweater and handing out stickers lol

        Liked by 1 person

  18. D.L Finn, Author · ·

    Earl grey is how I start out my day. Good knowing not to save a box or two. Sorry I’m late to the tea party WordPress decided to unfollow you for me…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, those WP happiness Engineers are for the birds. Thanks for following back.

      Liked by 1 person

  19. With #6 you’re liable to run into a real Native American Mohawk among the fake ones who will do more than cut your hair. You’re liable to go into the bay without your scalp. 😦 — Suzanne

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, that salt water would sting too. Thanks, Suzanne.

      Like

  20. The Boston tea party, I haven’t thought about that era of history for a while, John. A hilarious walk down my old history lane.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Robbie. It was fun to contemplate being there.

      Liked by 1 person

  21. I have to agree with Number 9. If Tiny ain’t throwing you, then it’s best to shut your pie hole and let the man be!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Spoken like a peep of Tiny. Thanks, Marc

      Liked by 1 person

  22. Yup, I’d be careful of Sam Adams. He had quite a temper. You could say you were a Celtics fan – but use the hard C – because they would probably understand you but might have some old grudges!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the advice, Noelle.

      Like

%d bloggers like this: