Top Ten Things Not to Do on Your Significant Other’s Birthday

~ John W. Howell

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do

 

If your significant other is having a birthday, there are things that one should not do.  It just so happens that yesterday was my significant other’s birthday, and except for one thing I managed to avoid the other stuff on the list.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Your Significant Other’s Birthday by John W. Howell © 2019

10 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not take a lot of time writing a Ten Things Not to Do list. If you do, at best there is still time for other activities. At worst, you will run out of time to celebrate the birthday. (Now you are in deep yogurt, Ghoukas. What happened to the cake, presents, and good wishes? You better pray for author understanding.)

9 If your significant other is having a birthday, do go to the gym with Tiny the WWF wrestling champ. If you do, at best you’ll only have sore muscles from sparring with him. At worst, Tiny will show you his latest helicopter spin and drop maneuver.  (Hard to celebrate from the ER huh, Giancarlo? Don’t worry someone will call and let your significant other know you won’t make the party.)

8 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not think a packet of beef jerky from the convenience store is the perfect gift. If you do, at best your significant other will take it as a joke. At worst, you’ll be dining alone tonight. (That beef jerky helps cover the taste of the crow,  Gili. Better luck next year.)

7 If your significant other is having a birthday, don’t forget to cancel your participation in the weekly bowling event. If you do forget, at best you’ll stay home. At worst, you’ll go to the event and suffer dire consequences. (Did no one ever tell you about life choices, Gilvaethwy? You now must live with the results of your neglect. Please remember it was Fido’s house before you moved in.)

6 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not think going to your favorite place is the best experience for a birthday. If you do, at best none of the usual crowd are there. At worst, your bowling team members and the local motorcycle club are having a beer chugging contest. (You could have made a reservation at a beautiful place, Giovany. But no, and now your significant other is being cheered on as she downs a quart bong. Tomorrow is not going to be a good day for you.)

5 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not expect a home cooked meal instead of dinner out. If you do, at best you’ll get cold cuts. At worst, your significant other will cook something and leave it with a note that lets you know a restaurant visit was expected. (Looks like your significant other and a bunch of friends are having more fun than you, Girvin.)

4 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not offer to bake a cake unless you know what you are doing. If you do, at best you can still have time to call the bakery. At worst, the suggestion will be made to use your masterpiece as a doorstop. (Never knew frosting to get that hard did you, Glaucus. Maybe NASA would like to know about your formula.)

3 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not buy a card with a message that is obviously not a natural expression of your feelings. If you do, at best your significant other will get a chuckle. At worst the inscription, “Roses are red, Violets are blue, I want to run away, How about you?” will be taken the wrong way. (You were talking about a trip together, Gobrwy. What are you doing in court?)

2 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not give a gift which you know is not suited. If you do, at best you might be able to keep it. At worst, you might be wearing it. (They say to give a gift that you would like to receive, Godric. Not sure your significant other had a cordless weed trimmer in mind as the perfect gift.)

1 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not invite guests to the celebration who your significant other does not know. If you do, at best there will be some new friendships made. At worst, you will get no kudos for the uncomfortable feeling your significant other will have in a room filled with strangers. (It seemed like a good idea at the time, Gofraidh. You better get over there it looks like your significant other, and your boss are having some kind of argument.)

 

70 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do on Your Significant Other’s Birthday”

  3. Hilarious, John. 😀 My husband just had his birthday and I’m relieved to see that I successfully avoided each item on your “not to do” list. Happy Birthday to the Producer!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. So now we are left to ponder which one you did not avoid…😉
    Was my eldest son’s birthday yesterday, too. 21 years old and legal all over.
    Happy birthday to The Producer!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. The weed trimmer as the perfect gift cracked me up. It reminded of my dad, actually. He loved giving gadgets and gizmos. Mom always said she didn’t mind — that it prevented him from lugging home ghastly perfumes.

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  16. I’m guessing you baked a cake that NASA wants to get hold of, John? You’ll go down in history as the first man who baked a cake that ended up on Mars. My question, though – will it still be there in 10 years, or will E.T have found it by then, and his species are now planning on invading earth? 👽

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  18. Lovely post, John! I got lots of chuckles from this one. I’m one of those who invariably gets my Companion exactly the perfectly… wrong gift! Lord knows I do try, though.

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  19. A packet of beef jerky and a weed trimmer wouldn’t be high on my want list for a birthday either, John! Tell the producer I hope hers was spectacular — and perhaps glittery!

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  22. Wonderful list, dear John!Last 5 points are extremely urgent! Happy birthday to Your Lady. I hope there were plenty of baloons at the party and the cake was delicious! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  26. I’ve found that you’re golden as long as you remember your significant other’s birthday, John
    Beyond that, it’s a minefield for sure, but remembering is the hard part for most people.

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  27. You just summed up men when it comes to birthdays and being outside of their comfort zone. Really funny, John! I hope I don’t get beef jerky for my birthday. 😅

    Liked by 1 person

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