Today is the anniversary of the opening of the first McDonald’s by Ray Kroc in 1955. It was sixty-four years ago that the fast food innovation began. In case you have a way to get back there here is a list of things not to do that will hopefully keep you from making a big mistake.
Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Opening of the First Ray Kroc McDonalds.
10 If you are at the opening, do not try to order your burger without onions. If you do, at best your request will be ignored. At worst, you’ll be asked to stand aside and in twenty or so hours you’ll get your burger. ( I have to say you were warned, Goodwine. If Ray wanted to eliminate ketchup from the burger he would have done it already.)
9 If you are at the opening, do not drop a paper on the ground while Tiny the WWF champ is in charge of picking up trash around the restaurant. If you do, at best he will ask you politely to pick it up. At worst, he will pick up the garbage and you and deposit both in the nearest can. (I know this space in the trashcan is tight, Gorman. The bad news is Tiny is adding more trash. You better hope collection day is soon.)
8 If you are at the opening, do not take any time to make up your mind on what to order. If you do, at best there is no one behind you. At worst, the person behind you has not eaten for twelve hours. (Not sure why you have a problem ordering, Gottfried. The menu only had a hamburger, cheeseburger, fries, shake, coke, root beer, orange drink, and coffee. How hard could it be?)
7 If you are at the opening, do not ask for ketchup for your fries. If you do, at best you will be refused. At worse, you will be subjected to the corporate lecture on why the McDonald policy forbids supplying ketchup for fries. (You now realize customer service does not include satisfying customer wants, Gowyn. Unhappy? Go pay 35¢ for a burger somewhere else.)
6 If you are at the opening, do not ask for a fillet-O-fish sandwich. If you do, at best no one will understand you. At worst, the employees will think you are trying to make trouble and call the police. (This is a fine kettle of fish you have gotten yourself into Gram. You should have known the fillet-O-fish was not introduced until 1965. The police are very interested in you now.)
5 If you are at the opening, do not ask for a seat inside. If you do, at best you’ll get a strange look. At worst, the manager will bring you in, and you’ll be waiting on customers before you know what happened. (If you keep at it, Graysen you might become the President like Fred Turner who started at the counter. Inside seating wasn’t available until 1962.)
4 If you are at the opening, do not start singing “Two all beef patties, lettuce, cheese, onion, pickle, special sauce on a sesame seed bun.” If you do, at best the employees will think you daft. At worst, the manager will think you are having a mental breakdown and will call an ambulance. (Since the Big Mac was introduced in 1968 it will be thirteen years until you are released from the sanitarium, Gregoly. Try not to make any trouble until then.)
3 If you are at the opening, do not start waxing poetic about the McGriddle breakfast. If you do, at best you’ll be ignored. At worst you’ll be asked to make a McGriddle and when you fail tossed out on your ear. ( So much for having a glimpse into the future huh, Griff. Best not show your face here again.)
2 If you are at the opening, do not ask them to supersize your order. If you do, at best you’ll get a blank stare. At worst, a well-meaning customer will pull you aside and give you a talk about the evils of overeating. (You should have remembered, Grim that the super-sized concept was way off in the future and a trend that didn’t last.)
1 If you are at the opening, do not remain at the store longer than to eat your burger. If you do, at best you’ll get looks from the employees. At worst you will be accused of loitering. (Before the police arrive you may get the explanation that Ray Kroc did not install payphones or vending machines near the restaurants so that bums like you would just eat and move on. Aw, don’t be so sensitive, Guglielmo. He didn’t think of you personally as a loitering bum. Just the rest of humanity.)