This week marks the anniversary of the first live radio broadcast of a football game in 1921. The game was played at Forbes Field in Pittsburgh. The announcer was Harold W. Arlin of radio station KDKA. The University of Pittsburgh Panthers beat the West Virginia University Mountaineers by a score of 21 to 13. (Not much has changed there. This rivalry began in 1895, and so far, the University of Pittsburgh has won the meeting more times than West Virginia University. It is called the Back Yard Brawl since the two schools are only 70 miles from each other.) I think we ought to go to the game rater than listen on the radio. Well, bring the radio along too. It might be fun to see how close the announcer describes the real action. As usual, there are rules to follow, so we don’t create a tear in the time continuum. Take this list with you.
Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Live Radio Broadcast of a Football Game.
10 If you are at the game, do not think you can listen to the broadcast on streaming audio via iHeart Radio. If you do, at best those around you will be too interested in the game to notice your cell phone. At worst, the usher will spot your phone and ask you to follow him. (For heaven sakes, Jacquez don’t go. You really want to explain that you are from the year 2019? There will be a padded room reserved for you.)
9 If you are at the game, do not tell Tiny the WWF Champ and hot dog vendor that his hot dogs are old. If you do, at best he will think you said cold and will laugh at the joke. At worst, Tiny who just left his self-esteem support group will think you are criticizing him. (No matter what you say, Jad you are in for an overhead pinwheel and body toss just as if you were in the ring. The landing on the bleachers, however, is not going to be as soft as the ring.)
8 If you are at the game, do not wear your Mountaineer coon-skin cap while sitting in the Pitt section. If you do, at best a kindly person behind you will ask you to remove it. At worst a not so kindly person behind you will remove it. (There you have it, Jadrein. Your hat is back and filled with who knows what liquid. No, don’t drink out of your hat you idiot. You have no idea what that is even though it looks like beer.)
7 If you are at the game, do not suggest to the fans to burn a sofa when they get home to Morgantown. If you do, at best WVU is ahead at the time. At worst, the fan will think you are a Pitt fan. (You see, Jael WVU fans only burn sofas when they win. That big guy with the red eyes and WVU shirt thinks you are mocking him.)
6 If you are at the game, do not suggest to the Pitt fans that the game be played next year in Morgantown. If you do, at best they will laugh at your joke. At worst, they will think you are a WVU fan. (The first game of the rivalry was not played in Morgantown until 1963. Is it any wonder these Pitt fans are now crowd surfing you to the exit, Jafari?)
5 If you are at the game, do not bring your Mountaineer musket into the stands. If you do, at best most of the fans will clear out. At worst, you will come face to face with several Pitt fans all dressed as panthers. (What are you going to do now, Jagmeet. The way they are growling they seem to be serious.)
4 If you are at the game, do not tease Roc the panther. If you do, at best Roc will be used to it. At worst, Roc has made up his mind to bite the twelveth person who teases him. (Not so good news, Jahi. The eleventh just left.)
3 If you are at the game, do not sing the WVU fight song if you don’t know the words. If you do, at best the noise will drown you out. At worst, your fellow WVU fans will come to the realization you are different. ( Lucky for you, Jahnu you now get to see the game from the parking lot.)
2 If you are at the game, do not try to find a plug for that old Philco radio. If you do, at best you burn a lot of calories. At worst, someone will eventually come to believe you sole the radio. (Hauling it up and down the stadium stairs made you look very much out of place, Jair. Maybe you should just park it in the clubhouse. Wait, there’s a plug.)
1 If you are at the game, do not start quoting stats of the various players. If you do, at best people will move away from you. At worst, they will think you are from a different planet. (In the 20’s hardly anyone paid attention to the stats, Jaison. It was a matter of win or lose. All those yards gained rushing and passing as well as turnovers were blurred by actually watching the game instead of a talking head.)