Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Parachute Jump in 1797

First parachute jump

This week marks the anniversary of the first successful parachute descent is made by Andre-Jacqes Garnerin, who jumps from a balloon at some 2,200 feet over Paris in 1797. There are two reasons we have to go there. 1. Tiny already caught a time capsule there. 2. Andrew Joyce, the very talented writer, and history buff had me tied up in his garage until I agreed to do a post on the jump. So for us not to make a mistake that could cause a tear in the time continuum and so that I don’t end up back in Andrew’s garage, here is a list of ten things not to do when we go there.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Parachute Jump in 1797.

10 If you go to the jump, do not ask Andre-Jacqes if you can go tandem. If you do, at best, he’ll laugh you off. At worst, he will think you are trying to steal his thunder. (That glove slap to the face means you better start practicing your swordsmanship, Jarl. Of course, you could pray he forgets about it. Likely? Not.)

9 If you go to the jump, do not try to convince Tiny the WWF champ that you can take over holding his balloon tie-down ropes. If you do, at best, Tiny won’t understand your request. At worst, Tiny, who has skipped the last seven anger management group sessions, will not give you the rope without a fight. (You better worry about that rope around your ankle, Jarrad. Your weight isn’t enough to keep the balloon on the ground. So as you dangle from one leg at 2000 feet, you might contemplate this. Does Tiny really know how to tie a knot that holds?)

8 If you go to the jump, do not start taking bets on whether or not old Andre-Jacqes will make it. If you do, at best, Andre-Jacqes will not find out about it. At worst, Andre-Jacques’ brother will make a bet that he won’t. (Now you’ve caused a family incident, Jarran. Here comes Andre-Jacques now. I see he has a glove in his hand. Might be time to go.)

7 If you go to the jump, do not offer to pack Andre-Jacqes’ chute. If you do, at best, he will ignore you. At worst, he’ll let you do it. (Funny how that thing looked like a trail of smoke when he let go of the balloon, Jarrell. The sad thing, it never opened. Oh, well, there is always next time.)

6 If you go to the jump, do not ask Andre-Jacqes to unfold your sweetheart proposal flag on the way down. If you do, at best, he’ll say no. At worst, he’ll agree. (Just your luck, Jase. There are at least four women in the spectator area named Noelle. Good luck on the breach of promise lawsuits not to mention the father’s blunderbusses)

5 If you go to the jump, do not ask the balloon pilot if he knows the color of his balloon. If you do, at best he will be too busy to answer. At worst, he’ll think you are making a joke about his balloon. (As you may know, Jaspar, Frenchmen do not take lightly jokes by Americans. I don’t think this one gets it for sure.)

4 If you go to the jump, do not try to get Andre-Jacqes to yell Geronimo when he jumps out of the balloon. If you do, at best, he’ll have no idea what you are talking about. At worst, he too will think you are joking, Jaxon. Don’t look now, but that guy in the top hat is the second coming to ask which weapon you would like to use. Here’s a hit. Tell him death by pillows.)

3 If you go to the jump, do not suggest that Andre-Jacqes should have his parachute made out of silk by Hermes. If you do, at best, he will assume you don’t know what you are talking about. At worse, he will place an order for the parachute. ( Now you are in a pickle, Jaydee. You weren’t aware that Hermes was founded in 1837. How you going to deliver a parachute tomorrow when the manufacturer won’t be in business for 40 years? You got any silkworms?)

2 If you go to the jump, do not ask Andre-Jacqes to wear your Go Lafayette sweatshirt for the stunt. If you do, at best he’ll decline. At worst, he will accept your gift. (Given the amount of angst around the support of the American revolution that shirt could cause a definite crowd reaction, Jayme. I’m not talking positive either. Can you say Guillotine?)

1 If you go to the jump, do not ask for an order of french fries at the local food tent. If you do, at best, you’ll have a thicker potato that’s been fried. At worst, the order taker won’t understand you and will alert the chef. (Here we go, Jayson. You got the big guy with the butcher knife all hot and bothered. I would hit the road if I were you.)

48 comments

  1. That had to be scary to both watch and be a part of.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think the be part of part would scare me the most.

      Like

  2. Since no one ever saw a person jump with a parachute before, is he considered the first Frenchman to wave a white flag?

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hahahaha. My uncle (a WWll vet) used to have a saying about fighting with feet. I’ll leave it to your imagination

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Nice way to jump into a new week, John! Great job! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Jill. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

  4. thanks for the history lesson, and the laughs!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You are welcome, Jim.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Swords, butcher knives, gravity, Guillotine…it doesn’t seem to be a good day for time travel, John. I hope Andrew left you some food and a bucket. See you soon.-ish.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. #4 and #2 made me laugh out loud. Thanks for a great Top Ten, John.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m glad. When I can send your coffee or tea through your nose I will be satisfied as doing a job well done.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Haha! Ever had that happen that with Coke? Talk about a zinger!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Coke would be the ultimate. 🥴

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Your trips to France don’t seem to go well. Maybe you should visit Disneyland or something. Don’t they have one in France?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I never really had a good trip to France. Maybe it’s me but I always had some kind of problem being an American. Thanks, Craig.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. My son took his parachuting lessons and can now jump solo. He’s a wild one, that one. Went bungee jumping too. Can’t help but wonder what is next for him?
    As for your list, always a hoot!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow. I would love to do that but unfortunately, time has taken me beyond that thrill. I could see this bag of bones hitting the turf and then having to be put down. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Nah… You’d go up with someone who will make the connection with earth a tad easier 😉 be out down… What am I gonna do with you?
        I’d love to try one day

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I will…

        Liked by 1 person

  9. No worries, I ain’t jumping with no parachute … 😉 (french fries, however … 😉 )

    Liked by 1 person

    1. A parachute jump without a parachute is a study in false optimism. I’m glad you would not be tempted. Yes, to french fries. Thanks for the visit and comment, Na’ama.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. LOL! Yeah, I ain’t jumping with no parachute! 😉 So there!

        Like

      2. I get that. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

  10. And for gosh sakes, don’t panic at the last minute and run to the landing spot, yelling, “I’ll catch him!”

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes. That woud not be a good idea. Thanks, Linda.

      Like

  11. Although sky diving is on my bucket list, I wouldn’t have wanted to be the first to try it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m with you. Thaks, Teri.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Anonymous · · Reply

    I can’t imagine being the one 7to first try this….

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, that first step would be a thriller for sure.

      Like

  13. For some reason, I like the glove-slapping. It’s so foppish.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know right. Soft kidskin. Right across the kisser.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Very funny John. I had no idea someone jumped with a parachute so long ago. I always thought that was something that happened after the invention.of the airplane.
    Happy Monday.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Maybe it was the egg that called for a chicken.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. I don’t know which is more frightening, dangling upside down from a rope two thousand feet in the air or having Tiny warm up his knuckles.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’d say pretty equal for sure. Thanks, Marc.

      Liked by 1 person

  16. LOL! There’s no worry about me doing any of those cause I’m not ever going to parachute jump! Too chicken!

    Like

    1. I’m with you, Deborah

      Liked by 1 person

  17. If you go to the jump …don’t do it in 1797 😂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Great summary. 😂

      Liked by 1 person

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