Ten Things Not to Do If You are Asked to Go to the Grocery Store

 

Top Ten

The inspiration for this post was an interview with Jill Weatherholt last Friday, where I admitted to being banned from the grocery store. This gave rise in the comment section an idea by Jill that I detail in a Top Ten post what not to do if one is asked to go shopping. I agreed only to discover I had done one similar in July of 2015. So, I gave that one a revision, and here it is.

Ten Things Not to Do If You are Asked to Go to the Grocery Store

10 If you are asked to shop, do not buy anything that is not on the list. If you do, at best, you will be making a return trip for the returns. At worst, you will need to attend a special class on the principle of wasting money. (Nice job, Jerren. All those necessities determined by you are now waiting with you in line while that person ahead of you pays their water bill in pennies.)

9 If you are asked to shop, do not think you are empowered to make substitutions of items on the list. If you do, at best, your substitutions will be a welcome change. At worst, you will have selected a form of something that just doesn’t make sense. (Just when do pork rinds take the place of saltines, Jasen. The fact that you like them better will not help you.)

8 If you are asked to shop, do not fail to turn in the coupons. If you do, at best you will be allowed back in the house. At worst, you and the coupons will be making another trip to the store for a refund as well as attending that special class on listening and memory enhancement. (So, you had the coupons in your pocket, Javan. We all know the out of sight out of mind principle, but you would think the risk of life might offset it)

7 If you are asked to shop, do not go to a different store without permission. If you do, at best, some of the items will be unavailable. At worst, there will be a big difference in the prices, and your bill will be above the all-time high ever for the same items ( That will not be a good thing, Jayce. It’s going to be a long time till the $8.00 a pound grapes are forgotten.)

6 If you are asked to shop, do not think you can ignore the recyclable bags just this once. If you do, at best, you will be able to stuff the plastic into the trash without being caught. At worst, you will be subjected to another long class dealing with the evils of the plastic bag and its effect on the environment. (You have to remember, Jaye. Those cloth bags were an investment in the children’s futures. What is wrong with you? Don’t you care about the future?)

5 If you are asked to shop, do not think your newness will excuse you from checking out in the express lane when clearly you have more than the required items. If you do, at best, a few people will glower and may even say something. At worst, the manager will call your spouse and request a lifting of your shopping privileges. (Imagine the humiliation, Jayron. This one is not going to go away. It has the half-life of a thousand years.)

4 If you asked to shop do not think, you can pack bags like the store personnel. If you do, at best you will have overstuffed bags. At worst, you might have several bags break in the parking lot, creating a puddle of mayonnaise paired with orange juice, pickles, and Black Butte Porter. (No, Jayvee. You cannot go back into the store and ask for a refund. You bought it, you own it.)

3 If you are asked to shop, do not go to the store hungry. If you do at best, you will only buy one or two extra things. At worst, you will have to explain the extra bags of groceries, including what will look like a year’s supply of beef jerky. (I have to admit, Jazmina the beef jerky did look good. That hickory-smoked variety looked especially delicious. No, I don’t want to buy it from you.)

2 If you are asked to shop, do not take Tiny the WWF champ with you. If you do, at best you will have unexplained extra stuff in your order. At worst, Tiny will insist you host a poker game this week, and require you to buy all the snacks and beer. (Explaining what happened, Jedi might be a best selling novel. Also telling Tiny no, especially after he has skipped his self-image group session might get you a free helicopter ride.)

1 If you are asked to shop, do not offer to take the kids with you. If you do, at best, you will learn the meaning of the phrase “no good deed goes unpunished.” At worst, you will have forgotten half the items on the list in addition to buying several impulsive things that the kids will be forbidden to eat. (That big box of chocolate marshmallow Trix might be difficult to explain, Jedrik. I certainly hope you enjoy it.)

 

89 comments

  1. I was waiting for this, John! LOL! I was waiting for this and you didn’t disappoint. Great job! I’ll never enter another grocery story without thinking of you. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hahahaha. Thank you, Jill. 😁

      Like

      1. I was so excited, I repeated myself! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. The least of what could happen when we become excited. 😊

        Liked by 1 person

  2. #3 really is the golden rule of shopping. Though #9 drives me nuts. You get i trouble for substitutions or for not getting everything. Just no winning.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think the day I was banned was a day of emancipation. Thanks, Charles.

      Like

  3. Epic 10 Things not to, dear John! Number 3 is the top! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Maria. Nothing like roaming the aisles with a rumbling stomach to add to the food bill..

      Liked by 1 person

      1. !!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 Indeed! When I do shopping hungry, I’m always surprised with the result. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes. Why is the biggest chicken I’ve ever seen in my basket? Where did all these crisps and biscuts come from?

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Exactly, dear John! I wonder how it works? Shops are against humans! They are aliens in disguise!

        Liked by 1 person

      4. 🙂 🙂 🙂

        Like

  4. I need to give this list to my husband. Just sayin’.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sure he would appreciate it, Liz. Well, maybe not. Make sure my name has been obscured. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh, John. I’m still laughing. If you’re in jail, I’m in the next cell. I lost count of how many I’ve been guilty of. Substitutions and items not on the list? Yep. Forget the coupons, oh my yes. Good one!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. And yet you are still allowed to go. Have a Slim Jim on me. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Usually only in an emergency or, if I go to the store my wife doesn’t like for the one or two things they carry that her favorite store doesn’t. My worst was buying two bottles of ketchup (not on the list) because they were “2 for $5” – My wife shook her head and said – “they’re normally $2.50 each, and these will be expired before we finish the ketchup we already have.” Fortunately, she likes shrimp cocktail – an expensive way out, but it worked 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I had simular experiences. Finally Henry Kissinger came up with the negotiated settlement. If I would promise never to go into a grocery story, my wife promises never to change the oil in the car. I felt it was a win until I thought about the fact that she never changes the oil. Oh well, we both are happy with the compromise anyway.

        Liked by 2 people

      3. Hahaha – put that in the win column, John.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. haha, I was guilty of Number 8 about a week ago – it was $14. worth too!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lucky you are still in one piece. Thanks, GP.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I could have used ear plugs!!!

        Liked by 1 person

  7. These supermarket quibbles really had me chuckling and remind me of similar situations that I have been caught in. One that I would add, is not forgetting the store loyalty card and getting those all-important (yet slightly trivial) points!! (I suppose this links to No. 8.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That was another thing I used to forget. Even when the clerk asked if I had the loyality card I would say , “No.” I wanted to get out of there fast. Thanks for the comment, Charlotte.Have a great week. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Gwen M. Plano · · Reply

    Too funny, John. I used to love it when my dad went to the grocery store. We kids would clamor to go with him as it always meant TREATS! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes. I think all dads are the same. I think all moms dread that they are all the same. Thank you, Gwen

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Not the Black Butte Porter! Oh the horror of it all.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Excellent list, John. If I ask hubby to pick up two things, he can only remember one. How is that possible?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It is a man thing. 😂

      Liked by 1 person

  11. So lemme get this straight . . under no circumstances are pork rinds to be substituted for saltines? This makes me sad.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You got it straight. Ever try peanut butter and pork rinds?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That is something I WILL have to try.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Be careful. The combo of peanut allergy and rind allergy might pack a punch

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I’ll chase it with beer, that should work just fine.

        Liked by 1 person

  12. Exactly why hubby is not allowed to go grocery shopping. He doesn’t even need to take kids along in order to buy the sugary breakfast cereal. Sigh.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. See. You are wise to keep him out of there.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. This is too hilarious, John! And this is why I always went (go) alone… If I’m foolish to have my youngest accompany me, there is for sure going to be extra stuff in the basket – and he’s 20 years old!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think all kids are the same no matter the age.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Even when they’re 50! Oh wait, no, that was the husband… The biggest kid!

        Liked by 1 person

  14. No. 3 is a definite no-no, but I’m still giggling over $8/lb. grapes!! Perhaps this is why some groceries are trying to encourage us to shop online via their app, let them do the picking out, and have us pull to the curb for them to load the stuff in our cars. Have you tried that yet??

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have not tried the pickup thingy. My wife says she could do it for everything but produce. She needs to eyeball the produce.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You bet — I’m right there with her. I can see them packing all the rejects and expecting me to be happy about it!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That is exactly what woud happen.

        Liked by 1 person

  15. D.L. Finn, Author · · Reply

    Great list, especially going hungry. I have a hard time sticking to the list, but husband is great at it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. With us it is the opposite.

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Lol! Great list! Never, EVER go into a grocery store hungry!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Such practical tips! And we have all been there. Husband sometimes goes with me but when he goes alone he calls if he has any questions. I see many men on the phone as they shop asking for guidance. Perhaps your Producer has good reasons to ban you. You can’t get in trouble that way. Good one!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha hahaha. You have taken the high road, Jo. 😊

      Like

  18. You left mine off the list, to wit: GRAB THE ‘MOTOR CART’ AND TRY NOT TO DESTROY EVERY AISLE YOU GO DOWN…I have some experience at that… 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That tower of canned peas is one hell of a target. You go old duffer. 😀

      Like

      1. Sure, call me names! It’s just…when I leave the ‘home’ I don’t remember where I’m to go!
        Now, dog it, good John, don’t go starting rumors! 🙂 ♥

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Here take this pill. it won’t help your memory but you won’t give a damn.

        Like

  19. There’s only one thing wrong with this post. Now it’s 10:44 p.m. and I have this hankering for pork rinds. I don’t even like pork rinds, but… the power of suggestion is strong. The merchandisers know this — which is why going to the grocery store is so fraught with pitfalls!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. If not pork rinds how about a nice spicy Slim Jim? I’ll leave this to you, Linda. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

  20. Ha ha … You’ve learned the lessons well … you are now ready for the next stage!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nailed laundry. White towels + hot water + red t-shirt = banned for life.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Heh heh … now, did you do that on purpose so that you wouldn’t be asked to do laundry again? 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’ll never tell. I am thinking about using spray varnish in place of Pledge. Might get me banned from dusting.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Heh heh … you do that and not only will you be banned from dusting, but you will be buying all new furniture. Might want to think about that one for a bit first. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I think you may be on to something. Okay I’ll keep dusting. 😊

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Wise man. 😊

        Liked by 1 person

  21. Reblogged this on Author Don Massenzio and commented:
    Check out this post from John Howell’s Fiction Favorites blog with TEN THINGS NOT TO DO IF YOU ARE ASKED TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE. (I’ve done at least 50% of them)

    Like

  22. I’ve done many of these. Fortunately, my wife hates to shop, so I continually get away with breaking these rules.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well that is fortunate for you. My wife hates to shop but hates me to shop even more. Thanks, Don.

      Liked by 1 person

  23. Hahaha, John, you and my dad were clearly schooled for shopping at the same place. My mom never forgets either.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha. I’ll light a candle for him at the corner pub.

      Liked by 1 person

  24. What’s grocery store? Loved your interview.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You don’t need to bother knowing about grocery stores. As long as that 7/11 is in business and stocks barley pop and jerkey you will be fine. Thanks on the interview.

      Liked by 1 person

  25. Coupons and the risk of life, a half-life of a thousand years, $8 a pound grapes, and don’t you care about the future? You are a master at humor, John. This was a 10 on the laugh-o-meter.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh my, Thank you, Jennie.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh, yes. You’re welcome, John.

        Liked by 1 person

  26. On a side note, I was banned from a restaurant. Remember when straws came with the paper wrappers that you could blow off? Need I say more?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can imagine you were a little frisky as a kid.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. At times… 😀

        Liked by 1 person

  27. […] via Ten Things Not to Do If You are Asked to Go to the Grocery Store — Fiction Favorites […]

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for sharing

      Like

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