Ten Things Not to Do If You are Asked to Go to the Grocery Store

~ John W. Howell

 

Top Ten

The inspiration for this post was an interview with Jill Weatherholt last Friday, where I admitted to being banned from the grocery store. This gave rise in the comment section an idea by Jill that I detail in a Top Ten post what not to do if one is asked to go shopping. I agreed only to discover I had done one similar in July of 2015. So, I gave that one a revision, and here it is.

Ten Things Not to Do If You are Asked to Go to the Grocery Store

10 If you are asked to shop, do not buy anything that is not on the list. If you do, at best, you will be making a return trip for the returns. At worst, you will need to attend a special class on the principle of wasting money. (Nice job, Jerren. All those necessities determined by you are now waiting with you in line while that person ahead of you pays their water bill in pennies.)

9 If you are asked to shop, do not think you are empowered to make substitutions of items on the list. If you do, at best, your substitutions will be a welcome change. At worst, you will have selected a form of something that just doesn’t make sense. (Just when do pork rinds take the place of saltines, Jasen. The fact that you like them better will not help you.)

8 If you are asked to shop, do not fail to turn in the coupons. If you do, at best you will be allowed back in the house. At worst, you and the coupons will be making another trip to the store for a refund as well as attending that special class on listening and memory enhancement. (So, you had the coupons in your pocket, Javan. We all know the out of sight out of mind principle, but you would think the risk of life might offset it)

7 If you are asked to shop, do not go to a different store without permission. If you do, at best, some of the items will be unavailable. At worst, there will be a big difference in the prices, and your bill will be above the all-time high ever for the same items ( That will not be a good thing, Jayce. It’s going to be a long time till the $8.00 a pound grapes are forgotten.)

6 If you are asked to shop, do not think you can ignore the recyclable bags just this once. If you do, at best, you will be able to stuff the plastic into the trash without being caught. At worst, you will be subjected to another long class dealing with the evils of the plastic bag and its effect on the environment. (You have to remember, Jaye. Those cloth bags were an investment in the children’s futures. What is wrong with you? Don’t you care about the future?)

5 If you are asked to shop, do not think your newness will excuse you from checking out in the express lane when clearly you have more than the required items. If you do, at best, a few people will glower and may even say something. At worst, the manager will call your spouse and request a lifting of your shopping privileges. (Imagine the humiliation, Jayron. This one is not going to go away. It has the half-life of a thousand years.)

4 If you asked to shop do not think, you can pack bags like the store personnel. If you do, at best you will have overstuffed bags. At worst, you might have several bags break in the parking lot, creating a puddle of mayonnaise paired with orange juice, pickles, and Black Butte Porter. (No, Jayvee. You cannot go back into the store and ask for a refund. You bought it, you own it.)

3 If you are asked to shop, do not go to the store hungry. If you do at best, you will only buy one or two extra things. At worst, you will have to explain the extra bags of groceries, including what will look like a year’s supply of beef jerky. (I have to admit, Jazmina the beef jerky did look good. That hickory-smoked variety looked especially delicious. No, I don’t want to buy it from you.)

2 If you are asked to shop, do not take Tiny the WWF champ with you. If you do, at best you will have unexplained extra stuff in your order. At worst, Tiny will insist you host a poker game this week, and require you to buy all the snacks and beer. (Explaining what happened, Jedi might be a best selling novel. Also telling Tiny no, especially after he has skipped his self-image group session might get you a free helicopter ride.)

1 If you are asked to shop, do not offer to take the kids with you. If you do, at best, you will learn the meaning of the phrase “no good deed goes unpunished.” At worst, you will have forgotten half the items on the list in addition to buying several impulsive things that the kids will be forbidden to eat. (That big box of chocolate marshmallow Trix might be difficult to explain, Jedrik. I certainly hope you enjoy it.)

 

89 thoughts on “Ten Things Not to Do If You are Asked to Go to the Grocery Store”

  5. Oh, John. I’m still laughing. If you’re in jail, I’m in the next cell. I lost count of how many I’ve been guilty of. Substitutions and items not on the list? Yep. Forget the coupons, oh my yes. Good one!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Usually only in an emergency or, if I go to the store my wife doesn’t like for the one or two things they carry that her favorite store doesn’t. My worst was buying two bottles of ketchup (not on the list) because they were “2 for $5” – My wife shook her head and said – “they’re normally $2.50 each, and these will be expired before we finish the ketchup we already have.” Fortunately, she likes shrimp cocktail – an expensive way out, but it worked 😉

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I had simular experiences. Finally Henry Kissinger came up with the negotiated settlement. If I would promise never to go into a grocery story, my wife promises never to change the oil in the car. I felt it was a win until I thought about the fact that she never changes the oil. Oh well, we both are happy with the compromise anyway.

          Liked by 2 people

  7. These supermarket quibbles really had me chuckling and remind me of similar situations that I have been caught in. One that I would add, is not forgetting the store loyalty card and getting those all-important (yet slightly trivial) points!! (I suppose this links to No. 8.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That was another thing I used to forget. Even when the clerk asked if I had the loyality card I would say , “No.” I wanted to get out of there fast. Thanks for the comment, Charlotte.Have a great week. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Too funny, John. I used to love it when my dad went to the grocery store. We kids would clamor to go with him as it always meant TREATS! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  13. This is too hilarious, John! And this is why I always went (go) alone… If I’m foolish to have my youngest accompany me, there is for sure going to be extra stuff in the basket – and he’s 20 years old!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. No. 3 is a definite no-no, but I’m still giggling over $8/lb. grapes!! Perhaps this is why some groceries are trying to encourage us to shop online via their app, let them do the picking out, and have us pull to the curb for them to load the stuff in our cars. Have you tried that yet??

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Such practical tips! And we have all been there. Husband sometimes goes with me but when he goes alone he calls if he has any questions. I see many men on the phone as they shop asking for guidance. Perhaps your Producer has good reasons to ban you. You can’t get in trouble that way. Good one!

    Liked by 1 person

  19. There’s only one thing wrong with this post. Now it’s 10:44 p.m. and I have this hankering for pork rinds. I don’t even like pork rinds, but… the power of suggestion is strong. The merchandisers know this — which is why going to the grocery store is so fraught with pitfalls!

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Coupons and the risk of life, a half-life of a thousand years, $8 a pound grapes, and don’t you care about the future? You are a master at humor, John. This was a 10 on the laugh-o-meter.

    Liked by 1 person

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