This post is an updated repeat of last year. Since Daylight Savings Time is so near and dear to us all, I thought you would enjoy a re-run.
This week marks the 102nd anniversary of Congress authorizing Daylight Savings Time, which set up the legal precedence for the states to take action. So if you were there or plan on a time trip, the following list is designed to keep you from making any mistakes that might result in a time warp or tear.
Top Ten Things Not to Do When Congress Authorized Daylight Savings Time by John W. Howell © 2020
10 If you were there when Congress authorizes daylight savings time, do not think the action is a big joke. If you do at best, you’ll be early or late to everything. At worst, you will finally realize that the fun will last for a hundred and two years. (Tired of laughing yet, Gairbeth? Join the rest of us.)
9 If you were there when Congress authorizes daylight savings time, do not push your protest sign into Tiny the WWF champ’s face. If you do, at best, Tiny will ignore you. At worst, Tiny, the newly elected Senate sergeant-at-arms, will give you a demonstration of the latest wrestling hold he just learned from the Senate pages. (Don’t worry, Gall. The loss of feeling in your lower body will come back in a couple of days. In the meantime, I would grab things to keep you from falling down.)
8 If you are there when Congress authorizes daylight savings time, do not bring your confused cow to the protest. If you do, at best, you will not be allowed in the chamber. At worst, your cow will be called upon to testify, and your entire argument will hinge on a simple yes or moo. (You were told to bring credible witnesses to prove as to the inconvenience of DST, Galvin. The rest of us have to suffer due to your lack of follow-through. Just wait until you get back to 2020. Does the word “goat” mean anything to you?”
7 If you are there when Congress authorizes daylight savings time, do not say the mnemonic “Spring forward, fall back” out loud. If you do, at best, not many will catch on. At worse, those who hear you will think you are in favor of the move. (Now you are facing an angry crowd, Gamal. How are you going to explain the rationale for the change? I think most folks get the fact that their morning work trip will be in the dark. To do what? Allow everyone to play outside after dinner?)
6 If you are there when Congress authorizes daylight savings time, do not brag loudly that your smartphone automatically resets the time. If you do, at best, most will think you’re drunk. At worst, the local constable will look at you much closer. (He does not look like someone you will be able to fool, Gannon. You better come up with a plausible explanation for that cell-phone. Oh, and you know it doesn’t work in 1918 right?)
5 If you were there when Congress authorizes daylight savings time, do not try to convince everyone that they get an extra hour’s sleep in the fall. If you do, at best, those with kids will laugh you out of the room. At worst, the crowd will take you for a shill of the government. (Looks like someone is lighting a fire under that tar bucket, Gardar. Maybe there’s going to be an old-fashioned tar and feathering soon. I hope you aren’t the honored guest.)
4 If you are there when Congress authorizes daylight savings time, do not list the 23 ways changing time harms health. If you do, at best, you’ll cause concern. At worst, you may cause the Center for Disease Control to put a stop to your free speech. (you see, Garnet, this whole DST thingy is a government plot to keep you confused about your everyday life. Think about going to work in the dark. Confusing no?)
3 If you were there when Congress authorizes daylight savings time, do not try to convince those near you that the farmers need the daylight at night to milk the cows. If you do, at best, there will be no farmers nearby to contradict you. At worst, your words reach the Grange farmers co-operative. (Don’t look now, Garrey, but a delegation from the Grange is heading in your direction. It seems that they would rather have the sunlight in the morning and believe you are behind the change. My, those pitchforks look nasty.)
2 If you were there when Congress authorizes daylight savings time, do not show folks how to set their digital watch. If you do, at best, you will scare them away. At worst, some brave ones will take you for an alien. ( Looks like there is going to be a trial by twelve angry men, Garry. Gotta wonder about the drinking and exactly how fair that trial will be. I think I would take the opportunity to skedaddle if I were you.)
1 If you were there when Congress authorizes daylight savings time, do not offer to organize a clock changing party. If you do, at best, no one will want to celebrate. At worst, some of the celebrants will get out of control. (Looks like the constable is going to be a calling, Garuda. Best to get your story straight about minding your own business when a bunch of roughnecks busted into your place, drank all your liquor, and then hit the town. I’m sure he’ll believe you. Well, maybe a slip out of town move might be better.)