Palace of Versailles
This week marks the 338th anniversary of Louis XIV’s decision to move his court and the entire French Government to Versailles. This was a massive undertaking, and we certainly want to go and watch this happen. It nothing else; it will be a grand show of schadenfreude. If you come with us, do not forget your list of things not to do so that you can hopefully not cause a tear in the time continuum.
Top Ten Things Not to Do in Moving Louis XIV’s Court to Versailles in 1682.
10 If you go to the move, do not offer to unpack the crystal. If you do, at best, nothing will get broken. At worst, it will be your luck to pull a sizeable Venetian glass vase out of the box, and it is in two pieces. (Well, Leland. As luck would have it, you happen to have some crazy glue with you. I think you should work fast cause the last guy caught breaking a crystal piece is still back in Paris in a very dark room in the basement.)
9 If you go to the move, do not help Tiny the WWF champ unload that harpsichord. If you do, at best, Tiny will want to do it himself. At worst, Tiny, who just finished moving school, will let you have an end. (Too bad your side is the heavest, Lars. Try not to drop that silver and gold-encrusted instram—. Oops, too late, I think. Tiny is not going to get over this very soon. Let him give you an arm lock. You’ll both feel better.)
8 If you go to the move, do not tell Louis XIV that his beautiful silver chairs and throne need to be melted down to pay for the cost of the Nine Year’s War. If you do, at best, he will give you a head start. At worst, although he knows you are right, you are the messenger. (The old rule of taking it out on the messenger is once again at play here, Linus. Don’t worry. Someone will release you from the dungeon after Louis comes to his senses. Yes, you make a good point. It might take years.)
7 If you go to the move, do not think you can pick up a game of catch in the Hall of mirrors. If you do, at best you will be throwing a pillow. At worst, you are using a wooden croquet ball. (Just when you thought you had it, Lamont, the ball skips off your fingers into the seven-year bad luck zone. Don’t even try to clean up the mess. Just run.)
6 If you go to the move, do not complain about the size room you get. If you do, at best the person hearing your complaint has heard it all before. At worst, your claim is given to someone who has a smaller room than you. (That did not work well, Laurence. Yes, you have a larger room, but unfortunately, it is in the stable.)
5 If you go to the move, do not think a bottle of wine will be an adequate house warming gift. If you do, at best, it will get lost in the rush. At worst, Louis XIV will personally read your card out loud. (To add insult to injury, Leopold, your gift got the cheapskate of the day award. Don’t worry about being a laughing stock, right now, Louis is commissioning an artist to do a statue of you and your bottle of wine.)
4 If you go to the move, do not give anyone decorating advice. If you do, at best, the person you are talking to is in charge of the landscaping. At worst, you give your opinions to Charles Le Brun, the head of interior design. (That sound is Le Brun laughing at your suggestion for a more minimalist treatment of the interior design. If you are lucky, Lon Le Brun won’t have you escorted off the property. On second thought, those husky guards seem to be intent on just that.)
3. If you go to the move, do not volunteer to organize the first state dinner. If you do, at best, you’ll be turned down. At worst you will be given the job. (First off, Leander, there are over six thousand government, court, and courtier personnel that would be expecting an invitation. Second of all, if you slight one who is important, your future will look bleak indeed. Good luck with this. Have a nice day.)
2 If you go to the move, do not forget to check the wagon for anything left. If you do, at best, all the items have been unloaded. At worst, you’ll leave the symbol of le Roi Soleil (Louis XIV the Sun God) in the back of the wagon. (Nice going, Layton. That symbol is pure gold, and it would take you a lifetime to pay it back if lost. Better start hunting now before the king notices it missing. Uh oh. By the look on the face of his royalness, it is already too late.)
1 If you go to the move, do not offer to clean the bedrooms. If you do, at best someone will tell you there is a staff for that. At worst, you’ll get that assignment. (Since there are 700 bedrooms in the palace, Lyndon, you might consider the fact that you now have a guaranteed job for life. Here tale this Swiffer. You might need it.)
Fiction Favorites 
I should be careful about asking the KIng which one of the lovely ladies around him is his wife!! I love Versailles, the opulence, the decadence, and oh the many many stories it has hidden within its walls.
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“Excuse me. Are you Mrs. XIV? No? Oh please accept my congratulations.”
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Great list, John! It’s never a good thing to complain. Happy Monday!
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Especially to Louis XIV. Thank you, Jill.
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Definitely!
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Excellent.
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Thanks, Rabirius.
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That last image is the kicker: someone Swiffering the halls of Versailles.
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or the 700 bedrooms. “Hello Mattress Firm. Can you cut me a deal?”
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Ha ha, good one!
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😁
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Hopefully I’ll be swiffering away when I get recalled to the land of three bedrooms. I hope that comes before the sitting for the sculptor. Where is he planning to put the wine bottle? Never mind, John, just push the recall button.
Nice job!
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I think the wine bottle was handed to one of the cooks to be put in the beef bourguignon. I like the idea of a recall button. Thanks, Dan.
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Phew!
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All great tips. Especially #7.
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hahaha. Thanks, Charles.
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I definitely shouldn’t do #10 considering I broke another one of my favorite wine glasses last week.
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Aw. I always hate when that happens. 😁
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Rumor has it that all Louis XIV’s friends had other commitments on the weekend of his move. 🙂
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Still chuckling over #5 and #1 — 700 bedrooms?? A job for life, indeed! Golly, you could sleep in a different one every night for more than two years, ha!
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I think I’ll just sit in the shade of a tree and watch the goings on, myself… 🙂
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This is a move I wouldn’t want to help with, that’s a lot of bedrooms! Great list.
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As per number seven, to paraphrase a Brady Bunch line . . . “Mom always said, don’t play ball in the palace!”
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Hahahaha. It woud be like an endless sea of crashes.
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I know, right?
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I am so intrigued with Versailles. The opulence the grandeur. I can’t imagine what it was like in its heyday. When you go now, I’ll bet the walls have their own heartbeat.
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I can imagine that as well. Louis XVI was the last monarch of France and last resident of Versailles. From 1682 until 1789 the palace held the seat of govenment. That is a lot of history to be absorbed in those walls.Thank you for the visit, Susannah.
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it was a post that makes me want to read more about it.
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Some terrific history there. Like Marie Antoinette building a hamlet on the grounds so she and her courtiers could pretend they were peasants. Can you say clueless? By the way, my last comment about Louis XVI said he was the last monarch. Not true. He was the last to live in the palace. There were a few more monarchs but none coud afford to pay the reno cots of moving in.
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I’ve read a lot about the…let them eat cake, gal. I actually felt sorry Marie and Louis since, clueless as you say, is the right word. Antonia Fraser wrote a compelling book about her. I just finished a book about Alva and Consuelo Vanderbilt, who were quite French happy, Alva building several homes with Versailles as her model. Too grand for me yet I see the attraction. I guess you need Queen like leanings somewhere in your being to love it all. It’s all very interesting no matter what. 🙂
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During the revolution the pair sat at Versailles until the rabble showed up to take them prisioner. They did not believe what was happening was happening. I agree on the too grand yet walking into the Plaza always gave me a grand feeling. 😊
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The Reign of Terror was a terrible time.
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Yes it was. Especially if you were educated or had any connection at all to the Monarchy.
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Those ten items of advice would come in very handy in that situation. 🙂 Now I want to know about why he wanted to move in the first place. There had to be some good reason.
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Louis XIV had the palace expanded to hold all his court so he wanted to leave Paris and live there.
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I burst out laughing before I got into the top ten things. 😀 I’m beginning to think we writers are a little nuts – especially right now. LOL BTW, I wouldn’t think of cooking for these white-gloved folks.
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Aw come on. Need a quick squab reciepe for 700. 😀
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YEP, I was right. Stir crazy! 😀
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Hahahhahaha. 😂
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There are some who claim Louis XIV never said, “L’état, c’est moi.” After reading this list, I’m inclined to give that claim a hearing. His real statement might have been, “Le décorateur d’intérieur, c’est moi!”
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Hahahaha. You. may be right, Linda.
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But I like Portuguese wine??? Was that a mistake???
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Nah. We all like out porto here mon ami.
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Haha – Versaille redone minimalist style! Clever as usual, John 🙂
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Thank you, Barbara.
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Reblogged this on Author Don Massenzio and commented:
Check out another great historical list from this post on John Howell’s blog: TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO DO IN MOVING LOUIS XIV’S COURT TO VERSAILLES IN 1682
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Thank you, Don.
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You’re welcome.
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I’ve been to France 3 times and haven’t been to Versailles yet. I need to go back!! I’d love to see the Hall of Mirrors and the garden. One of these days I hope to make a Spring trip and go to Versailles.
Thanks for the history, and smiles! One would be swiffering for evah there!
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My goodness. You must put that on your list. I haven’t been either. Like you I have been to France several times and never there.
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We need to go back! 😀
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For sure.
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Splendid top list, dear John! Bravo!!!!!! PS: And don’t leave your brass bath unattended! Somebody may pinch it. ))))))))))))
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hahahaha. Thank you Maria. Watch that silver furnature too.
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And horses & carriages! 🙂
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Paintings. Don’t forget the paintings. 😁
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Indeed! And carpets! 🙂
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And wine.
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And champagne (it was invented under Louis XIV).
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This was really funny, John. A game of catch in the Hall of Mirrors, and a Swifter to clean the bedrooms cracked me up!
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I’m glad you liked it Jennie. Thanks for letting me know.
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My pleasure!
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If you go on the move and you are a man, DO NOT flirt with his wife!!
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There you go. might get you a necktie party
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