Top Ten Things Not to Do at The First Mention of Scotch Whisky in 1495

 

Scots whiskey

This week marks the 525th anniversary of the development of Scot’s whiskey. Although we are not certain of the exact date, it was this week that commemorates the written evidence of its existence. I published this post last year, but I think some of you may have missed it. Here it is again.

The anniversary of the first written record of Scotch Whisky appears in Exchequer Rolls of Scotland in 1495, and Friar John Cor is the distiller. What is not recorded is how the folks at the time reacted to this new development. Just in case time travel becomes a reality, here is a list of Things Not to Do as you visit this new development. The hope is it will keep you out of trouble or, more importantly preventing you from causing a tear in the time continuum that might preclude the development of this beneficial elixir. (gasp) So if you are going, take this list and be careful. You will have the benefit of all humankind in your hands.

10  If you witness the mention of Scotch whiskey in 1495, do not ask for your portion on the rocks. If you do, at best, no one will understand you. At worst, your host will think you odd but will add some stones to your chalice. (Ignoring the fact that you don’t know where these rocks have been, Hido, you need to smile and drink your portion. Yeah, overlook those little floating bits at the top.)

9  If you witness the mention of Scotch whiskey in 1495, do not forget to tip Tiny the WWF champ who is an usher at Lindores Abbey in Fife. If you do, at best Tiny will make sure you miss the tasting by ten minutes. At worst, Tiny, who just finished losing his jousting match, will view your oversight as a vote for his opponent. (Now you have gone and done it, Hilton. Tiny is still trying to recover his self-esteem, and that piece of silver would have gone a long way. Might as well relax during the spinning body drop. It only hurts for a little while.)

8 If you witness the mention of Scotch whiskey in 1495, do not be confused by the description ‘aqua vitae VIII bolls of malt.’ and ask out loud, ‘where’s the Scotch whiskey?’ If you do, at best, everyone will be confused. At worst, the guards will take you to the tower for a few questions like, ‘How long have you practiced witchcraft?’ (Might be best to tell the guards you have the flu and were out of your head with fever, Hiram. That rack looks like it might be painful.)

7 If you witness the mention of Scotch whiskey in 1495, do not attempt to get on your horse to ride back to the inn after you’ve sampled a few flagons of Brother John Cor’s invention. If you do, at best, you’ll realize it is not the thing to do. At worst, you and your horse will eventually be pulled over by James IV’s guards and booked into the dungeon. (Apparently, there is a law against riding under the influence (RUI), Holland. Now you are going to have a permanent record on file.)

6 If you witness the mention of Scotch whiskey in 1495, do not ask for chips and salsa to go with your portion. If you do, at best, you’ll get a joint of mutton. At worst, the king’s chef will demand to know how to make this chips and salsa thingy you requested. (Looks like this guy is a relative of Tiny the way he keeps swinging that butcher knife around, Holman. You know how to make it right? If not, you know how to run, don’t you?)

5 If you witness the mention of Scotch whiskey in 1495, do not volunteer when Brother John Cor talks about a smoke. If you do, at best you’ll have helpers to fetch the peet. At worst, everyone else knows John Cor is not talking about a doobie but needs more peet to fire up his malting operation. (That peet operation is dirty and sweaty, Homayoun. You gotta dig bricks of it and carry it five miles to the abbey. You want to avoid this if at all possible. Of course, now it is too late. Better hit the time machine and disappear.)

4 If you witness the mention of Scotch whiskey in 1495, do not ask for a jug to go. If you do, at best John Cor will think you are joking. At worst, he will try to find something to house the scotch. (Sadly, all he can find is an earthen pot that was used to feed the dog, Honon. Your first sip at home will let you know that the dog’s primary food source was whatever the humans didn’t want. Your scotch now has the essence of hog entrail with a finish of fish head.)

3 If you witness the mention of Scotch whiskey in 1495, do not suggest putting the whiskey aside for twelve years. If you do, at best, all the king’s men will laugh you off the island. At worst, John Cor will. take your suggestion, and there will be no scotch before it’s time. (Your only worry now, Hormheb is how to avoid ten thousand archers, lancers, swordsmen, catapult operators, and knights for the next twelve years. Yeah, I didn’t think you wanted to try. Hit the way back machine.)

2 If you witness the mention of Scotch whiskey in 1495, do not try to explain soda to John Cor. If you do, at best, he will be confused. At worst, he will be offended that you think his product needs enhancement. (You can stop singing the song ‘Scotch and soda, mud in your eye, baby do I feel high, oh, me oh, my,’ Hosea. John is still not going to unlock that dungeon door.)

1 If you witness the mention of Scotch whiskey in 1495, do not put on a tartan kilt without knowing its history. If you do, at best, no one in the abbey is at war with the clan represented by what you are wearing. At worst, you picked the tartan of the most aggressive clan on the island. (You have two choices, Houman. Either pick up that broad sword and start defending yourself or drop the kilt and try to convince those advancing Scots that you were just joking. Maybe the fact that you don’t wear underwear under a kilt will underscore your claim of a joke.)

70 comments

  1. Pretty sure I’d do half of these even with the warning.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hilarious! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Liz.

      Like

  3. What do you mean no chips! This was great, John. A bright spot after another difficult night in our country.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, Jill. We need bright spots for sure.

      Like

  4. Mmmmm, hog entrails and fish heads, yum.

    I used to drink scotch. Then one day I realized it tasted like gasoline and switched to bourbon. You think maybe I met up with Tiny in a dream?

    Good list John. If you need me, I’ll be digging peat bricks.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahahaha. Meeting Tiny anywhere would change a point of view for sure. Thanks for the laugh, Dan.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Can I at least ask Tiny for some Buffalo Wings?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Sure. Just keep your social distance. Once asked he’ll be gone for months trying to find some buffalo. Thanks, GP.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. hahaha, great answer!!

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Gwen M. Plano · · Reply

    A good scotch is hard to beat, especially when facing a night like last night. Thank goodness for SpaceX, it’s about the only hopeful message these days. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We have to look hard for hopeful messages for sure, Gwen. All this unrest leads me to believe we won’t be returning to normal any time soon. I think there has been a psychotic break in society. We have no leadership capable of making things better either. Sad time for us all.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. ‘Scotch’ and ‘whiskey’ at least have given rise to some great songs (and this great blog post), but as for the liquor itself? You can have my portion!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. There are a lot of folks who share your preference, Linda. Thank you. 😊

      Like

  8. Good ones, John – but I think I’d take bourbon over Scotch whiskey any day.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Me too. Thanks, Teri.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I never liked scotch. My dad did, neat…no ice. As far as the no undies beneath a kilt rule..I remember on a job, with a man who was ONLY PORTRAYING, a member of the Scottish Highlanders, who was so into his acting role, left his BVDs at home. Talk about flashing. Oh my. My Connecticut was on a life support.

    I like these Monday yarns of yours. Clever along with informative. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can see your Connecticut running for its life. Thanks for the story and the compliment. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I like Mondays. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Me too. Thanks. 😁

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I know you pen it in jest, but I’m in it for those facts you weave into your laugh lines. An art by the way. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Thank you. I do try. 😁

        Liked by 1 person

      5. They’re great…you educate while entertaining. That’s what Ken Burns does, and Aaron Sorkin also did it on West Wing, my all time favorite show, next to I Love Lucy, of course. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Hahaha. I love the juxtiposition of Ken Burns and Aaron Sorkin with I Love Lucy. 😁

        Liked by 1 person

      7. I could easily see them all at the same table, at your house. 🙂

        Like

  10. the dog’s primary food source was whatever the humans didn’t want. Your scotch now has the essence of hog entrail with a finish of fish head.

    Gosh, you sure know how to get Scooter’s attention. He is licking his chops.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahahaha. Thanks, Greg. Always glad to write lines for Scooter. 😀

      Like

  11. John, I don’t think I’ve ever had Scotch whiskey! I seem to recall smelling it once and finding it on the strong side. If somebody forced me to watch hours of these riots, though, I might be grabbing for a bottle myself!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. If you get the right kind of Scot’s whiskey it is very good.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ll take your word on that!

        Liked by 1 person

  12. D.L. Finn, Author · · Reply

    Good one, John. I have a feeling sales have gone up lately.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ll bet they have. Thanks, Denise.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Funny how most booze was created by religious folk… that bears questioning, does it not?
    That said, I’ll be sure to stand at the back so’s I make no faux pas.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You make a good point, Dale. Maybe those guys didn’t have enough to do.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m thinkin’…. or they needed a little extra sumthin’ to get through the endless days 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That would be me. “Let’s see can’t do women how about booze?”

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Exactly! Ridiculous law, you ask me. Funny how in most every other religion, they understand that one can love God and a woman…

        Liked by 1 person

  14. Indeed, dear John! Don’t ask. Just enjoy the drink! Cin-cin! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes. Good advice, Maria.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. There is one brand I kind of enjoy, and I’m sure there are others. I’ve never given it much of a chance. Maybe I should. I know there is a lot of variety in the different regions.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. They are are distinct for sure.

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Good stuff, as usual. I wanted to say “good shit,” but I know this is a family friendly blog. So I didn’t say “good shit.”

    I had no idea scotch has been around so long. Makes Dom Pierre Pérignon look like a piker (whatever a piker is).

    I can’t wait for next week. So, don’t let us down, Johnny Boy.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Come back next week, Andrew. There will always be something for you.

      Like

  17. I’m trying to figure out how people develop a liking for Scotch or whisky or bourbon. Would I have had to drink it as an 18 year old or a 21 year old and grown up with it, so to speak? I just can’t. Yet my mom used to socially drink Scotch (until she had to switch to gin for her stomach). But I can appreciate that everyone who goes to Scotland has to buy that bottle! OK, why can’t you ask for it to be put aside for 12 years?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahahaha. Now a days you can by aged scotch. Back then no one wanted to wait.

      Like

  18. I’m with Jill – chips and salsa would be missed. Glad to have the advice – I’m not sure what I would do with a joint of mutton! Thanks for making me laugh 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you did get a laugh. Thanks for letting me know.

      Liked by 1 person

  19. This was a Top Ten history and humor at it’s best. Thank you, John!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. When I first started learning to drink (yes, I had to learn how) my sister told me to drink Scotch and Soda. So, I did. I would say Scotch is an acquired taste, but I quickly adapted. It’s been a long time since I’ve had one. This post made me think maybe I should. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My go to drink when I was about 25 was Johnnie Walker and soda. It has been ages for me as well. Thank you, Jan.

      Liked by 1 person

  21. Haven’t had it in awhile, but I enjoy a drink of scotch every now and then. Love your post!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for letting me know.

      Like

  22. Reblogged this on Author Don Massenzio and commented:
    Check out another great top ten list from Author John Howell. This one is the TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO DO AT THE FIRST MENTION OF SCOTCH WHISKY IN 1495

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Don.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome.

        Liked by 1 person

  23. Yes, mind those tartans! And you MUST spell it whisky, with no e. Irish whiskey has the e. Tiny might whack you. It is recommended to taste the whisky first, then add one or two drops of water – so on a small rock is not bad – since the water enhances and changes the taste.
    You might guess I am a whisky aficionado.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, good for you, Noelle. You are right of course. American Whiskey is spelled with an e as well. I’m a 1/4 Scot and should have known better. Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

  24. We went to a whisky tasting held by the SCOT society of the triangle – were piped into the event!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sounds good. I went to Scotland and wasn’t piped anywhere but did enjoy the whiskys. Thanks, Noelle.

      Liked by 1 person

  25. Always be tipping Tiny . . always.

    As for chips and salsa, I never rode shotgun with those whilst partaking. It’s always been nuts or pretzels for me. Hmmm.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I just love a red hot salsa cooled down with a frozen margarita.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Now you’re talking

        Liked by 1 person

  26. And don’t say your name is Johnny Walker. You will be dungeoned for trying to steal business secrets.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Or Cutty Sark Hahahaha

      Liked by 1 person

Put your favorite fiction or non-fiction in writing. I would love to hear from you

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: