Happy Labor day to everyone and especially to those who work to keep our lives normal. To those out of work, a wish for this COVID mess to end.
This week marks the 64th anniversary of Elvis Presley’s first appearance on the Ed Sullivan show in 1956. You know we all want to be there, so I would suggest we take James’ (from Eternal Road – The final stop) 1956 Oldsmobile and attend the performance. So that we won’t cause a tear in the time continuum, we need to take the list of things not to do. Trust me, it will keep us all out of trouble. So crank up the Olds, and let’s go.
Top Ten Things Not to Do at Elvis’ First Appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show in 1956.
10 If you go, do not ask the producer how pleased Ed is to have Elvis on his show. If you do, at best, he will be distracted. At worse, he will spare no words in describing Ed’s displeasure. (Here’s the thing, Maksimillian. Ed tried to keep Elvis off his show, but others were getting such good ratings that he had to relent. He is not a happy camper, and here come some massive men. I think they want to show you out.)
9 If you go, do not tell Tiny, the WWF champ, that you think Elvis is king. If you do, at best, Tiny will be doing curls using the associate producer as a weight. At worse, Tiny, who has skipped the court-mandated group sessions for self-esteem and anger management, will think you are trying to make him feel bad. (Don’t worry, Maleko that so-called “Deadman’s Drop,” is just a label that Tiny gave to that hold. Hey Maleko, can you hear me?)
8 If you go, do not ask Ed’s accountant what he paid to have Elvis appear on his show. If you do, at best, the accountant is late for his therapy session and won’t have time to talk. At worst, the full impact of the amount will finally set in, and the accountant will need to sit down. (Now you’ve done it, Malone. The accountant has been trying to disassociate himself from the responsibility of paying $50,000 for three appearances. That’s $476,289.00 in today’s dollars. I think he is now catatonic.)
7 If you go, do not tell the producer anything about the expected ratings. If you do, at best he won’t believe you. At worst, the magnitude of the number of viewers will cause the producer to pass out. (The number of viewers for the first show was about 60 million, Malvin. That was 82.6 % of all people capable of watching the broadcast. The ratings were the best in two years, and the show was one of the highest watched of the 1950s)
6 If you go, don’t question the fact that we are going to Los Angles instead of the Ed Sullivan theater in New York. If you do, at best, someone will tell you to be patient. At worst, you’ll be kicked out of the Olds before we start. (The situation is this, Manasseh. Elvis is filming “Love Me Tender” in LA. So his portion of the show will originate from the CBS studio in Los Angles. You still want to go see the show in New York? All you’ll get is a tap dance duo and a couple of tumblers)
5 If you go, do not keep asking the whereabouts of Ed Sullivan. If you do, at best, everyone will ignore you. At worst, someone will finally tell you to mind your own business. (Ed Sullivan was in a horrific car accident and is at home recovering, Mandeville. Charles Laughton is filling in for him tonight. If you don’t know who that is, Google it when you get back to 2020.)
4 If you go, do not ask the producer if Elvis is going to sing, “All Shook Up.” If you do, at best, he won’t know what you are talking about. At worst, he will wonder where you came up with that title. (All Shook up wasn’t released until 1957 a year later, Manfrit. On the first show, Elvis sang “Don’t Be Cruel,” Little Richard’s “Reddy Teddy,” “Hound Dog,” and “Love Me Tender.” I think you ought to go wait in the car.)
3 If you go, do not try to convince everyone that the song “Love Me Tender” is going to be a bust because it is a ballad. If you do, at best everyone will be interested in the show and will ignore you. At worst, everyone will listen to you and place bets you are wrong. (Sad to say, Manneville. You owe a lot of money. Love me Tender sold one million records after Elvis sang it on the show. This was before it was released. You just had to take those bets, didn’t you?)
2 If you go, do not ask the producer if he can keep the audience quiet. If you do, at best, the producer won’t hear you for the screaming fans. At worst, the producer will give you some sage advice. (The suggestion is right up there with “if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.” I see he is offering to let you out of the back door. Next time, Manning just go with. the hysteria.)
1 If you go, do not try to tell the reviewer from Time magazine that Elvis is a great performer. If you do, at best, the reviewer will walk away. At worst, the reviewer will think you are working for Elvis and will call security. ( Before the security guys get here, Mano you need to know this particular reviewer wrote, “When it was over, parents and critics, as usual, did a lot of futile grumbling at the vulgarity of this strange phenomenon that must somehow be reckoned with.” So it was not all bad. Look, the guards are here. Go along quietly.)