Here is a post that I originally published on April 4th, 2016, in honor of opening day in baseball. Maybe you’ll find it funny again or for the first time.
This list has as inspiration the fact that the Major League Baseball season is underway, and there are things you need to know if you plan to attend a game.
Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Plan to Attend an MLB Game.
10 If you plan to attend a game, do not call in sick to work. If you do, at best, no one will see you that day. At worst, you will be highlighted as the 100th attendee, including an interview playing of the 6:00 and 10:00 news. (You hope that fake nose, mustache, and glasses get up will keep your boss in the dark.)
9 If you plan to attend a game, do not bring your favorite glove in hopes of catching a home run. If you do, at best, those around you will assume you have some kind of mental illness that focuses on balls. At worst, you will actually have the opportunity to catch a home run ball only to drop it in front of thousands of fans on the jumbotron and those watching the game on TV. (Can you say, “Clumsy idiot,” Bucky?”
8. If you plan to attend a game, do not drive your car to the ballpark. If you do, at best you pay more for parking than the ticket. At worst, you’ll have trouble finding a place to park and take up the offer by the guy in sunglasses and a knit cap to watch your car for five dollars. (The tow truck didn’t do too much damage, and you understand a new bumper will cost under a thousand.)
7 If you plan to attend a game and are taking a date, do not try to avoid the kiss cam by talking on your phone. If you do, at best, this will be the last time with this person. At worst, the commentary from the TV coverage will ensure you may never get a date again. (Sure, you are the Wolf of Wall Street, Ace, and now maybe a lone wolf).
6. If you plan to attend a game and sit close to the players, do not yell insults that the players can hear. If you do, at best, you’ll get some fierce looks. At worst, you might have to think fast to avoid that Louisville slugger that is heading your way. (Man! Those bats are hard, aren’t they, Buster?)
5. If you plan to go to the game, do not try to better your old beer per hour record. If you do, at best, you will fall short and be glad later. At worst, you will soundly beat your old record, which you will celebrate by calling trains (Pittsburgh, Pokipsie, and Albuquerque) in the ceramic microphone. (Those cheese nachos looked better an hour ago, didn’t they? Ferd.)
4. If you plan to go to the game, do not think it will be a cheap day. If you do, at best, you will have sticker shock at the end. At worst, you will overspend to the point that you realize you could have had a trip to a lovely resort. (Who was to know those peanuts prices were by the piece rather than the bag.)
3 If you plan to go to the game, do not sit in a part of the stadium where the away team fans sit and then root for your team. If you do, at best, everyone will take your loyalties good-naturedly. At worst, you may find that the guy everyone calls Brutus has finally had it with your cheers and decides to give you a close-up view of a knuckle sandwich. (The view was brief before the lights went out, wasn’t it?)
2 If you plan to go to the game, do not keep up a running chatter about the team and individual statistics. If you do, at best, you have everyone wanting to move away. At worst, while you impress yourself, you are not paying attention to that large man with cauliflower ears who is pushing people out of his way and heading in your direction. (It seems odd that he can pick you up by the neck, doesn’t it?)
1 If you plan to attend a game, do not make the assumption that the umpire is not qualified and has been on the waiting list for a Lasik procedure. If you do, at best, your accusations of sight and skill problems will fall on deaf ears. At worst, security will help you to a position in the park where no one can hear you. (If you need help, you are now in a place where no one can hear you scream.)