Top Ten Things Not to Do at Whole Foods

~ John W. Howell

 

 

This post was originally run on April 7th, 2015. I hope you get a laugh or two out of this re-run.

Top Ten Things Not to do at Whole Foods

10 If you are at Whole Foods, do not think you are at a discount outlet. If you do, at best, your heart will hit a never before achieved rate at checkout. At worst, you will have to do the wait of shame while the checker calls the stock person to return everything you were forced to give up at the checkout. (The people behind you have a feeling of love right now.)

9 If you are at Whole Foods, do not think the salad bar is a taste first, then buy spot. If you do, at best, store security will remind you loudly that you are not to eat anything before checking out. At worst, you might be asked to weigh in for a residual weight charge on your next visit. (You will be asked loudly for your weight prior to entering the store.)

8 If you are at Whole Foods and are having a salad to go, do not forget the price is by the pound. If you do, at best, you may have loaded your salad with heavy veggies that will lighten your cash. At worst, you will come to realize for the cost of the salad, you could have bought a farm and raised your own. (You will need a horse, of course.)

7 If you are at Whole Foods, do not go there hungry. If you do, at best, you will overspend dramatically. At worst, you will come face to face with the reason the store has the nickname “Whole Paycheck.”( Yes, you can get a loan for your next trip.)

6 If you are at Whole Foods, do not decide to discuss politics with the essential oil and vitamin store person. If you do, at best, you will have to listen to some very disturbing theories on the government’s use of food to eliminate its enemies. At worse, you might find yourself involved in a discussion and resulting firm request to join the Retake the Food underground, which has only one satisfactory conclusion, and that is to run out of the store. (You are lucky you didn’t sign up.)

5 If you are in Whole Foods, do not joke around about wanting more trans-fat in your diet. If you do, at best, you will receive some pretty strange looks. At worst, you might be wrestled to the ground by well-meaning food cranks in an effort to save your mortal self from a fate worse than nicotine addiction. (Now that you are tied up, maybe you can explain it was a joke.)

4 If you are in Whole Foods, do not reach over the counter to help yourself if you sit at the wine bar. If you do, at best, you might be asked to leave. At worst, you may be banned from Whole Foods for up to a year that they consider the ultimate punishment. (As if anyone could stand not to visit for a year.)

3 If you are at Whole Foods and are looking for organic potato chips understand they still are not a good thing to eat.  If you forget, at best, you might wonder where you got that extra ten pounds. At worst, you will no doubt feel comfortable consuming organic potato chips until you no longer feel comfortable in your clothes. (The calories jump on the body the same way organic or no.)

2 If you are at Whole Foods and want a breakfast taco. Remember, the prices of the extras beyond the tortilla are on an individual basis. If you forget, at best, you will have the most expensive taco you have ever had. At worst, you will need to make a run to the bank before your number comes up.(You can leave a security deposit to hold your place.)

1 If you are at Whole Foods and decide to have a cup of coffee, do not think you can just order a cup of coffee. If you do, at best, the rest of the line will wonder what planet you were from as you stumble through the process. At worst, you will finally walk away with a cup of something that will closely resemble an oil change in the rainforest. ( That buzz you feel is all-natural.)

72 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do at Whole Foods”

  2. I shopped at Whole Foods for the first time several years ago. I went there only to buy some milk. It was a beautiful experience walking through a clean and well-lit store, with shelves stocked with items I had not seen before. At checkout, I was too shocked to return any of the items that I bought out of curiosity. Once I got home, I applied for a second mortgage.
    And, I forgot the milk.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Great the second time around, John. Whole Foods is a nice store, but way overpriced for my budget. Do you all have Aldi or Lidl? Great prices and fantastic produce…definitely no sticker shock at the register.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Actually, I’ve never been to a Whole Foods, and after today – I don’t think I ever will. They can’t take a joke, eh?! 😕

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Still makes me smile, John. I worked with a couple of the people who might have tied me up for asking where they keep the Doritos. I loved “…extras beyond the tortilla…” but it’s also just a bit scary. I think the best breakfast taco I ever had was from a little stand in San Antonio – I don’t it was stocked by Whole Foods.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. When we lived in San Antonio there was a place named Taco-Taco Cafe which was a short walk from our house. They won national acclaim as Best Tacos in America by Bon Appitite on the Food Network. We loved them.

      Liked by 2 people

  8. “That buzz you feel is all-natural.” Love that line, John. 😁 I’ve been to Whole Foods once but left without buying anything because of the prices. Like a few others, I frequent Aldi and a couple of local stories that have a large organic section. Thanks for the morning chuckles.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. I have a vague memory of salad bars, lol. There were a few items we’d always buy at Whole Foods when we visited (the closest one is an hour away), but they quit carrying them. Good rerun!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I’ve never been to a Whole Foods. The closest one is in Houston, and I’m not about to drive an hour to buy groceries. Besides: I have a local store that’s part of a local chain that’s cleaner than a hospital, hires high school kids who are unfailingly polite, and checks its produce for freshness every day. I hope they never sell out..

    Liked by 1 person

  11. This is so true, John:) I thought it would be cheaper than our local co-op, boy was I wrong! Not worth the hour drive for me when I can shop locally or go to Costco or the grocery store that all have organic.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. To me, the top thing not to do is to go there without a well-filled check book. At least that was the way before it was taken over by Amazon, when it used to be called “Whole Checks”. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Never read this before but it has me chuckling since I go to Whole Weeks regularly very familiar with their sneaky salad bar…number 8 made me really laugh….you could have bought a farm and raised your own. That is so true. Suddenly your modest salad could have come from the Ritz Fedexed. You’re so funny John, and they do tend to be rude so yes, they’ll embarrass you just to make their shift pass faster. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  16. You nailed it, John! We have a Whole Foods in town but I never go to it. We went to one a couple of times while visiting in Santa Fe a few years ago. Frankly, I wasn’t impressed … well, I was impressed by the prices but not by the food or other products. A friend of mine worked for Whole Foods here for a few weeks when they first opened up and was treated badly. I am happy with my local coop which is small and personable (and has reasonable prices) 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  17. I don’t think I’ve ever shopped in Whole Foods before, but I’m going to remember your post if I ever do.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Beg to differ: any potato chips are very healthy. They are a vegetable and usually very thin. They are good even when you have a tummy ache. I swear by them for all occasions.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Your lists give me hope AND educate at the same time. Both!

    But I guess I am on their watch list because I swore the salad bar was for sampling as I shopped. Oh well . . .

    And a hundred dollar taco? What’s not to love?

    You’ve created a new coffee selection. “Rainforest Oil Change”.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha. Love the cofee selection. I have an acquaintance who was banned for a year because he reached over to serve himself some wine. The story made me pee my pants when he told it. Hi slast line was, “Who is arrogant enough to think being banned from Whole Foods is a life altering event? Whole Foods , that’s who.”

      Liked by 1 person

  22. I’ll have to take your word for it as we, in Quebec, have no Whole Foods (they’d have to translate the name for the language police, anyway!
    I do remember going into one in Chicago… It was a small one with big prices!

    Liked by 1 person

  25. “With just two cups of water and a three stalks of asparagus, Whole Foods has finally invented a product that not even people who shop at Whole Foods will buy.”

    No wonder at $6.00 a bottle!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  27. I have been there once, the price is higher than other stores, but foods there look good and most of the products are organic. One of the staffs looked stern , but I didn’t talk with them, just shopped and left.

    Liked by 1 person

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