Top Ten Things Not to Do While Visiting a Bar

~ John W. Howell

 

Photo of a bar
Unsplash image by Freebirds

 

This post was originally run on May 25th, 2015. It was a cautionary prescription before the Memorial Day holiday

Ten Things Not to do While Visiting a Bar

10 If you are visiting a bar, do not stand too close to someone expecting them to talk to you. If you do, at best, they will move away. At worst, you might be surprised to find yourself an unwilling volunteer for a jujitsu demonstration with you as a student. (That thumb hold is pretty painful)

9 If you are visiting a bar, do not order a flaming drink for any reason. If you do, at best, you will confirm your narcissistic tendencies. At worst, your concoction will catch the back bar on fire, and the four-alarm fire department response cost will put your credit card into default.(you lit up the night though)

8 If you are visiting a bar, do not join others in doing shots. If you do at best, you will fall unconscious. At worst, you will be on your feet but engaged in behavior that you will not recall at your trial.(But you are sure you had fun)

7. If you are visiting a bar, do not get up on the karaoke stage no matter what. If you do, At best, you will be coerced into singing a song that you have never heard of before. At worst, you will be idiot enough to tackle Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody and to attempt to sing all the parts. (The “We will not let him go” part got you)

6 If you are visiting a bar, do not join a discussion about sports if you don’t know anything about sports. If you do, at best, your companions will have proof that you are an idiot. At worst, Tiny, the guy whose facts you were challenging, will finally have had enough and provide you with your solo flying lesson. (That landing will be pretty rough)

5 If you are visiting a bar, do not insist that the band play your song. If you do, at best, the band will ignore you totally. At worst, the huge guy with the word SECURITY on his back will be helping you to the exit to the amusement of the patrons and joy of the band. ( I think if you had just asked once they might have played your song)

4 If you are visiting a bar,  do not try to duck buying a round. If you do, at best, you will soon be drinking alone. At worst, your companions will shame you into buying a drink which to your s everyone in the bar as arranged by your former friends. (Would have been cheaper the other way)

3 If you are visiting a bar, do not challenge the house champion to a game to impress others. If you do, at best, you will be beaten so badly that all those who you wanted to impress think you are a dope. At worst, you will get into several double or nothing bets that will end up with you no longer having a car. (Walking is good for your health)

2 If you are visiting a bar, do not send back a plate of food no matter how bad. If you do, at best, those who you are with will wonder why you had the poor judgment to order food in a bar in the first place. At worst, your plate will return from the kitchen with some additional ingredients courtesy of the night cook and his dog. (Don’t even taste it)

1 If you are visiting a bar, do not accept the pickled egg eating challenge. If you do, at best, you will be finished for the night. At worst, you will be feeling the physical effects of too many pickled eggs for the next week, including sleeping alone in the yard. (Think about it next time)

62 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do While Visiting a Bar”

  4. OMG, I can not imagine even trying to take the pickled egg eating challenge! Although I spent many a year tending bar, I had to chuckle over No. 8 !!

    Like

  5. I had the pleasure of being part of a group who shamed the chronic “I was in the bathroom when it was my turn to pay” into picking up a round for the house. There weren’t many more people than the ones in our group, but it felt good.

    It was good to see Tiny perfecting his role. I hope you’re off to a good week, John.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. This is a “How To” list that any bar newbies would be wise to copy and paste to the notes app in their phones for future reference. I might add, buy the round(s) early before people start forgetting. And uh . . don’t partake of the later rounds or you will join them in forgetting.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. It’s a great list of things we’ve all seen. The only thing I could add is “Don’t dance on the pool table. If you have to dance, choose a table or the bar.”

    Liked by 1 person

  14. This made me yearn for Bemelmans. I remember the late Tommy the bartender who didn’t care too much for a friend of mine because she was quite snappy and very manufactured well endowed, if you know what I mean. He used to say, he didn’t like her sitting at the bar too close to the brandy because, he felt she was flammable. I did not make that up. I love these.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Excellent list, my good man. There is always that guy who benefits from the rounds and when it is his turn, suddenly has to leave. I wonder when he realised he was no longer invited?

    Liked by 1 person

  18. The Rerun is just as good as it was the first time around. Numbers, 1 and 2 are words to live by.
    Pickled eggs don’t sound good at. all. I wonder how drunk you have to be to like em? Nah, don’t answer that! 😂😂😂

    Liked by 1 person

  19. All sound advice. But I might add the pickled egg contest could land you in the hospital (not that I’ve ever done that 😉 ) For women, do not enter a wet T shirt contest. At worst you will be ridiculed, at best you will never live down winning.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Usually on these, I pick one out that I agree with more than the others. But not this time. All ten of your “Do Nots” are spot on. If I had to pick one that I agree with the most, it would be #2 by a long shot.

    Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.