Top Ten Things Not to do While Visiting a Doctor

~ John W. Howell
Unsplash image by Clay Banks

 

This post was originally run on August 15, 2014. I think it remains relevant today. Also, I’m at Story Empire today discussing Lewin’s Change Process if you care to pop over there too. Here’s the link.

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Here is the 60th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do. The inspiration for this came from sitting in several doctor’s offices this week.

Top Ten Things Not to do While Visiting a Doctor

10. If you visit a doctor, do not listen to your tunes with earphones while in the waiting room. If you do, at best, you will miss your name and have a few more hours wait. At worst, you will start humming one of your favorites and will be asked to wait in the hallway until your name is called.

9. If you are visiting a doctor, do not smile at the old lady sitting across from you even though she is smiling at you. If you do, at best, she will think you nuts since her smile will turn out to be gas. At worst, she will think you are being fresh and give you a nice whack with her cane.

8. If you are visiting a doctor, remember to turn off your cellphone. If you don’t, at best, you will get some annoying notifications. At worst, you will get a call from another doctor’s office wanting to discuss your last test results.

7. If you are visiting a doctor, do not touch anything in the office waiting room. If you do, at best, you will only catch a cold. At worst, you will be in line for the next case of Rona since the last case finished with the magazine you are reading now.

6. If you are visiting a doctor, do not attempt any doctor humor. If you do, at best, you will bomb like Henny Youngman at an NRA convention. At worst, you will keep wondering about not being able to feel your leg after the shot from the humorless one in charge.

5. If you are visiting a doctor, do not try to get in without paying your co-payment amount. If you do, at best, you will be called back to the front to the amusement of all the patients. At worst, you will meet the biggest medical technician who will hold you upside down until you pay up.

4. If you are visiting a doctor, do not go through any of the cabinets in the examination room. If you do, at best, you will see some unusual instruments that will make you want to leave immediately. At worst, the doctor will walk in just as you come across the samples of products designed to prevent sexually transmitted disease

3. If you are visiting a doctor, do not ask questions about the degrees posted on the walls. If you do, at best, you will find they don’t belong to your doctor. At worst, you will find out your doctor went to a rival school to yours and one known for its status as a party university.

2. If you are visiting a doctor, do not ask for samples of drugs. If you do, at best, you will be given a lecture about the evils of addiction. At worst, you will be escorted to the interrogation room of the local DEA office, where there will be difficult questions about what you know and when you knew it.

1. If you are visiting a doctor, do not forget to bring your medication list. If you forget, at best, your doctor will prescribe something similar to what you already take. At worst, your doctor will prescribe drugs that have contraindications to what you take, and you will be found tomorrow wandering naked in the middle of the street babbling something about the giant pink elephant.

85 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to do While Visiting a Doctor”

  2. These are funny, John. I’ll add one. When asked if you’d fallen twice in the last six months, do not confess to tripping over something and then slipping down in mud within a week. Otherwise, they’ll put you in the “high risk for falls category.” Yes, I tripped and fell, then later slipped in mud while going to the garden a few years ago.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I think I’ve experienced some of these in one form or another. I always am amused when the doc asks me if I take illegal drugs. I tell him no but if I was, I wouldn’t tell you

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  6. With #9, I always try to avoid making eye contact and sit as far away as possible. I’ve had total strangers tell me intimate details about their illnesses and families – waaayyyy too much information.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Good advice, John. In this time of COVID, don’t touch anything period! I hate to even breathe the air in those places. Wonder why parents — and later, teachers — don’t teach basic hygiene anymore??

    Liked by 1 person

  10. A great list, John, and 60th installment? That’s amazing! #10 made me groan, thinking of a longer wait. #7 was very real. Thanks for the smiles from #1! Hope you have a great Monday!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I love all of the points from a patient’s perspective -here are some from a provider’s perspective
    Definitely – don’t be talking to someone on the phone, and when the provider walks in, put a finger up to have them wait until the call is over.
    Don’t take all of the Q-tips, gloves, masks, ear speculums.
    Don’t push the buttons on the exam table/chair – we will know.
    Don’t bring your entire family to a visit.
    Bathe prior to visit.
    Brush your teeth prior to visit.
    Don’t argue with the provider regarding their recommendations, because a friend who is a nurse told you something different, or you read it on the internet.
    And try not to complain about waiting – because providers don’t want to run behind anymore than the patients do – but late patients, patient phone calls, patients with lots of issues can put a provider behind significantly – and a good provider will not rush through a visit, just to keep to a time table.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Of course my advice to patients is based on the fact that I believe most patients are out of control. Thank you for the provider point of view that underscores my belief. Thank you also for your dedication to health care. My sister is a Nurse Practioner (retired) as well.

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  16. My favorite was the call from another doctor. That would be hilarious. I’m imagining you saying to the doctor who’s examining you, “Do you mind stepping out a minute? I have someone on the line who seems to know more than you.”

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  20. Smiling widely, I think you should post this annually, John. My favorites? #10 – except I hum even WITHOUT earbuds on; #9, except I smile at the old men, and at times they move seats to be next to me and put their hand on my knee; #4 I’ve been caught exploring the examining room, but what do they expect, putting me in there, alone, for 15 minutes????; #6 I do test out the doctor’s humor -most times humor is lacking in medical minds, as if it was cut out in surgery; lastly, I’d add a #11 – don’t try yoga while waiting in the examining room – the doctor may barge into the room while you’re in the middle of tree pose, and everyone ends up off-balanced. 🙂

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  22. Whew! Thank goodness we have universal health care here.
    At best, you will wait 3 hours for your appointment.
    At worst, you will be abandoned in rarely used hallway, in your wheelchair, after your ct scan, with your intravenous on gravity drip.

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