This list was originally posted on November 17th, 2014. We are expecting a cold front next week, so I thought I would remind myself of those things I shouldn’t do. Maybe if it turns cold where you are, you could use a reminder as well.
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This list is inspired by the temperature here on the south Texas Coast. As I write this, the temperature is thirty-seven degrees. Way too cold for an old fart and his dogs.
Top Ten Things Not to Do When the Weather Turns Cold
10 If the weather turns cold, do not think turning on the heat is for wimps. If you do, at best, you may find yourself refusing to get out of bed. At worst, you could see your pipes freeze and split like a bratwurst on a hot fire. (A slit bratwurst is no big deal, the pipes are a little more problematic.)
9 If the weather turns cold, do not avoid getting out the heavy clothes. If you do, at best, you will find yourself shivering when you go outside. At worst, you could be found stiff as a board sitting on a bench waiting for the rescue dog with the brandy. (Be sure to pen a goodbye note)
8 If the weather turns cold, do not think that the black spot in the road is water. If you do, at best, you will only skid a little as you hit it. At worst, you will get a free-spinning ride like the one you paid good money for back in July when you visited Disney World. (This time, though, the stop might be a little more sudden and a little more hurtful.)
7 If the weather turns cold, do not think that the white stuff falling from the sky will go away on its own. If you do, At best, you could have a hard time moving when you go outside. At worst, the buildup will be such that you can no longer open the doors and will have to resort to eating leftovers out of the freezer, which has been in there for an eon or two. (And nothing’s marked as to content or date)
6 If the weather turns cold, do not think the outdoor plans you made in July should be modified. If you do, at best, you might not have much fun playing badminton in twenty-five mile an hour wind and chill of minus twenty. At worst, you will lose several family members to frostbite before you realize the shirts and skins basketball game was not such a good idea. (You thought uncle Harry who is on the skins team, was being a blue Smurf for the day)
5 If the weather turns cold, do not think you can enjoy a coffee at your usual outdoor café. If you do, at best, you will find yourself hugging the cup instead of drinking it. At worst, you will be the only one outside and will remain there until the street clearing crew uncovers your carcass in the spring. (You would have thought the server would have checked on you.)
4 If the weather turns cold, do not think you can continue to commute to work on your bicycle. If you do, at best, you will arrive at work unable to release your hands from the grips. At worst, you will not be able to thaw out until after the critical meeting with new clients. (They did comment to your boss to the effect that you seem stiff and cold.)
3 If the weather turns cold, do not take your dog for a walk without some kind of wrap on the dog. If you do, at best, the dog won’t want to go and will surprise you later at home. At worst, your dog will not want to go and will decide you are the one who needs to be led by the leash. (He may even think you need to be carried back home and a trainer.)
2 If the weather turns cold, do not think you can continue to grill outside like in August. If you do, At best, you will be serving cold meals although not intended. At worst, you will be way too close to the grill to keep warm and chance spontaneous combustion, which, if it happens, will possibly ruin the meat as well. (No one likes bone meal ash on their burger.)
1 If the weather turns cold, do not think this is an excellent time to finally put away the garden hoses that have been lying around the yard. If you do, at best, you will have the equivalent of an octopus to manage, given how stiff the hose has become. At worst, you will find that the hose is connected to the faucet, and every effort to remove it leads to an expensive visit by a plumber and housing contractor. (Not to mention the new skating rink that you used to call your backyard.)