Top Ten Things Not to Do When the Weather Turns Cold

Photo by Patrice Bouchard on Unsplash

This list was originally posted on November 17th, 2014. We are expecting a cold front next week, so I thought I would remind myself of those things I shouldn’t do. Maybe if it turns cold where you are, you could use a reminder as well.

* * *

This list is inspired by the temperature here on the south Texas Coast. As I write this, the temperature is thirty-seven degrees. Way too cold for an old fart and his dogs.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When the Weather Turns Cold

10 If the weather turns cold, do not think turning on the heat is for wimps. If you do, at best, you may find yourself refusing to get out of bed. At worst, you could see your pipes freeze and split like a bratwurst on a hot fire. (A slit bratwurst is no big deal, the pipes are a little more problematic.)

9 If the weather turns cold, do not avoid getting out the heavy clothes. If you do, at best, you will find yourself shivering when you go outside. At worst, you could be found stiff as a board sitting on a bench waiting for the rescue dog with the brandy. (Be sure to pen a goodbye note)

8 If the weather turns cold, do not think that the black spot in the road is water. If you do, at best, you will only skid a little as you hit it. At worst, you will get a free-spinning ride like the one you paid good money for back in July when you visited Disney World. (This time, though, the stop might be a little more sudden and a little more hurtful.)

7 If the weather turns cold, do not think that the white stuff falling from the sky will go away on its own. If you do, At best, you could have a hard time moving when you go outside. At worst, the buildup will be such that you can no longer open the doors and will have to resort to eating leftovers out of the freezer, which has been in there for an eon or two. (And nothing’s marked as to content or date)

6 If the weather turns cold, do not think the outdoor plans you made in July should be modified. If you do, at best, you might not have much fun playing badminton in twenty-five mile an hour wind and chill of minus twenty. At worst, you will lose several family members to frostbite before you realize the shirts and skins basketball game was not such a good idea. (You thought uncle Harry who is on the skins team, was being a blue Smurf for the day)

5 If the weather turns cold, do not think you can enjoy a coffee at your usual outdoor cafΓ©. If you do, at best, you will find yourself hugging the cup instead of drinking it. At worst, you will be the only one outside and will remain there until the street clearing crew uncovers your carcass in the spring. (You would have thought the server would have checked on you.)

4 If the weather turns cold, do not think you can continue to commute to work on your bicycle. If you do, at best, you will arrive at work unable to release your hands from the grips. At worst, you will not be able to thaw out until after the critical meeting with new clients. (They did comment to your boss to the effect that you seem stiff and cold.)

3 If the weather turns cold, do not take your dog for a walk without some kind of wrap on the dog. If you do, at best, the dog won’t want to go and will surprise you later at home. At worst, your dog will not want to go and will decide you are the one who needs to be led by the leash. (He may even think you need to be carried back home and a trainer.)

2 If the weather turns cold, do not think you can continue to grill outside like in August. If you do, At best, you will be serving cold meals although not intended. At worst, you will be way too close to the grill to keep warm and chance spontaneous combustion, which, if it happens, will possibly ruin the meat as well. (No one likes bone meal ash on their burger.)

1 If the weather turns cold, do not think this is an excellent time to finally put away the garden hoses that have been lying around the yard. If you do, at best, you will have the equivalent of an octopus to manage, given how stiff the hose has become. At worst, you will find that the hose is connected to the faucet, and every effort to remove it leads to an expensive visit by a plumber and housing contractor. (Not to mention the new skating rink that you used to call your backyard.)

94 comments

  1. What? There’s a cold front coming? If it comes to you, it may well come to us. Maybe I’d better read that list again — and find my winter work clothes!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes it is going to hit you too. Highs in the 60s on Thursday and then gradually back to the 80s. Get all that wool stuff ready. 😁

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Oh! I thought you meant a cold cold front. Highs in the 60s is just right: cool enough to encourage working just a little harder, to help stay warm!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I saw that in 2014 Port Aransas had temps of 37 degrees. πŸ₯Ά

        Liked by 1 person

      3. That’s huddle-in-the-house weather.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. No kidding. I remember we lost a ton of hibiscus plants that year.

        Like

  2. πŸ‘πŸ˜‚πŸ‘

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is hilarious πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ€£

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m gald you enjoyed it. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m so not ready for winter! Thanks for the heads-up, John!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, get ready, Jill.πŸ₯Ά

      Like

  5. I remember those very cold fronts and snow when we lived in MN. No such problem here in Central Florida.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Which is very nice indeed. Thanks, Karen.😊

      Like

  6. I shudder to think about a cold front coming. I think I’m still recovering from Snowmaggedon!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Me too. They are saying two days with highs in the 60s. Not so bad then back to the 80s. 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Great list, John, but what do you mean by you are expecting a cold front?
    (We were 57* this morning – for us that’s cold, but for some – it’s Spring, hahaha)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes. I’m talking highs in the 60s. That is for tow days then back to the 80s again.πŸ₯Ά

      Liked by 1 person

  8. We are starting to see ice forming in the mornings, John. The only think worse than ice is frozen wet leaves. Maddie drew a big red circle around Number-3. We do our best to keep her warm, but we worry about her feet on really cold days. Good and timely list. Thanks.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We tried booties on Lucy. Total reject as in rodeo bronk.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s what I fear. We tried them on our first Setter. DOA.

        Liked by 1 person

  9. I would add that when it’s snowing, don’t come sailing up to a stoplight at forty miles an hour, slam on the brakes, and expect to stop.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, that is a good one Liz. Always fun to see someone doing 360s through a light.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. From a distance . . . Once someone was unhappy that I didn’t bolt from the green light like a jackrabbit, so he cut right in front of me to go around. Both he and his big pickup truck went careening into a field.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Hahaha. I had the same thing happen. I was going 20 on an icy road and a guy in a four wheel pickup truck sped around me. He was hung up on the center median fence a mile down the road. Karma.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. That is funny! Some people don’t seem to understand that four-wheel don’t make a difference on glare ice.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Having owned many a four wheeler I know they don’t help.

        Liked by 1 person

  10. Great list. I’d add do not set car on fire to remove frost or snow. One of my favorite Florida memories there.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha. Sounds like a story needing telling. 😁

      Like

      1. It was 2010 and Florida got a frost. Some locals were confused and panicking. I scraped my car clean and turned on the radio. First thing I hear is the DJ explaining what frost is and then telling people to stop using fire to get rid of it. Apparently a handful of idiots thought flammable liquid and a lighter would melt the ice without damaging the car.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Goodness. How can people be that dumb.

        Like

  11. Gwen M. Plano · · Reply

    Great list, John. I loved living in CT, but the snow piles were unnerving. This will be my first winter in AZ, but I think it will be mild in comparison. Stay warm. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dry cold as they say. You guys do get low temps around 28 degrees and 12 inches of snow on average. Considering everything it is a good place to live temperature wise.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Ahhh, black ice, common everywhere, I guess. And deeper into winter, the arrival of the ubiquitous pot holes, that never get fixed for months only to reappear next cold season, but deeper.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes indeed. I remember having to get front end alienments in the spring. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Ha! Ha! Great tips, John!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Weird weather here also, John. In the twenties this morning, but up to the mid seventies tomorrow and Wednesday.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We are having 80s Tuesday and Wednesday. Down to the 60s Thursday and Friday and then back to the 80s for the weekend.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Most of us up in this neck of the woods try to get things ready before the real weather kicks in. That means blowing out the hoses and sprinklers, getting the snowblower ready, putting the snow brush/ice scraper in the car, etc. Mother Nature can be pretty tricky sometimes, though.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, indeed. We don’t do any of that. We do unhook the hoses if it is going to freeze.

      Liked by 1 person

  16. This is very funny. Being raised in the prairies of Canada, we know all about cold! here’s one. If it turns cold, don’t think licking that light post would be a good idea. If you do, well you probably didn’t need that first layer of skin on your tongue! You might get your taste back, eventually.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha. I would never do that. I’ve watched A Christmas Story too many times.

      Liked by 1 person

  17. All so true, John! I’m always surprised how many people in Texas wear shorts year-round, no matter the temps!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. And flip flops. Thanks, Becky. I’m one of those Texans that needs a sweater and long pants at 60. Been here for a while and have thin blood.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m definitely more like you, John!

        Liked by 1 person

  18. Thanks for the advices, John. Honestly, you are calling 15 degrees Celsius (60 degrees Fahrenheit) a “cold front”???? πŸ˜‰ Its the normal temperature we are having here. Only in August the temperature is increasing to 30 degrees (C, equ. 80 degr. F), for some days. Good luck! xx Michael

    Liked by 1 person

    1. When we have temps in the 40C range 15 is cool.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thats unfair, if you in Texas also have the oil. πŸ˜‰

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes we do. 😁

        Like

  19. D.L. Finn, Author · · Reply

    Good list and you just reminded me to finish bringing in the hoses. Although its been in the 70s recently.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, do not forget the hoses.

      Like

  20. Favorite line…you’ll be serving cold meals, although not intended. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Susannah. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

      1. These are all new for me, and I’m sure not the only one.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I think there are a few since back then I had way fewer followers. Of course, my writing skills needed improvement too. Thanks for the nice words.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. We can smack blogging around for a number of reasons, but the repetition of it, and I can only speak for myself, has improved my prose considerably. I’ll never be Isak Dinisen, but I’m better than I was. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I agree. I have used blogging to test a number of writing concepts. The tagless dialogue scheme I use in my books came from blogging.

        Like

  21. Even though I loved your history Top Ten lists, I’m glad you’re doing these older ones. I’m sorry I missed them the first time.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw such a nice thing to say. I wish the History ones didn’t take as much time as they did. Maybe I can get back to them when this latest novel is done. Thanks, Andrew

      Like

  22. petespringerauthor · · Reply

    I like the reference to the octopus-like garden hose. Winters are not kind to old bones or garden hoses.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha. Thanks, Pete. You are so right. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

  23. […] Top Ten Things Not to Do When the Weather Turns Cold β€” Fiction Favorites […]

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thak you for sharing, Kim. 😊

      Like

  24. And don’t bring the grill indoors πŸ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha. Good one. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

  25. Got a good laugh from me, John. I thought of another one. When the weather turns cold and that white stuff falls and piles up, do not use a flame thrower to melt it. At best the water will turn into ice and you’ll slip and hurt your back; at worst, you’ll set your garage on fire. I did see this somewhere!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Charles Yallowitz talked about that in an early comment. Thanks, Noelle.

      Liked by 1 person

  26. Wow, this describes very cold weather. The one about riding a bicycle to work made me laugh very hard; I can just picture this with some of the health fanatics out there.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes but frozen hair on arrival. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

  27. Haha! A list made by a Texan for sure… over here? We Canucks are a tougher lot πŸ˜‰ Many ride their bikes in the snow and BBQ all winter long, to name but a couple πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We Texans can’t take the cold for sure. Thanks, Dale.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I do understand, though. Seems to me with each passing year, I complain more and more about the cold… πŸ˜‰

        Liked by 1 person

  28. Anonymous · · Reply

    I wish you to warm up, dear John! It is already -7 in Moscow & it is too early for this sort of cold. So, more warm clothes, more spiced drinks, more raspberry jam & more heat. πŸ·β˜•πŸ·β˜•πŸ·β˜• A curious fact: as a rule Russian dogs go out without any wrap even when it is – 20…but they don’t stay outside too long.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This came in as anonymous. Have you changed your address?

      Like

  29. Okay sissy!
    Lol! I live in Toronto, Canada. I grew up in Winterpig. (Winnipeg)
    -40C for 3 months is cold. You’re talking spring in this post.

    Oh, don’t try using a vacuum to suck up the snow. That only works on ants and cockroaches.
    37degrees… perfect walking weather.
    Egads, have you heard of parkas and Sorrels!

    Still, I got a few chuckles!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I resemble that sissy remark. I have blood thin enough to be mistaken for water. I lived in Michigan for 20 years and could stand the cold. Now not so much. Yes, I have a pair of sorrels from the times we used to go to Lake Tahoe from California. Sadly I have given up that survival skill. Need hot toddies and fire to keep warm. Glad you liked it and got some chukeles, Resa.

      Like

  30. Yes, I’ve learned about skidding on the ice and snow! It is scarier than a Disney ride!

    He-Man has grilled with snow on the ground, but not actually while it’s snowing. We gotta eat right? πŸ˜‚

    Like

    1. When I lived in Michigan and Indiana I used to grill in the snow all the time. Never bothered me. Now? Forgetabout it.

      Liked by 1 person

  31. Great list, John, and I’m cold just reading it! We don’t get snow as you know, but it’s been cold enough to turn on the heat. Stay warm and enjoy those hot toddies!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, heat. We haven’t done that yet.

      Like

  32. omfrankie · · Reply

    I’m from the suburbs of Chicago, this is amazing.

    Like

    1. I used to live in Palatine so I can sympathize with you.

      Liked by 1 person

  33. Oh, the pipes and garden hoses. Our first house in New England had a dirt basement, and we had to keep a lightbulb next to the pipes to keep them from freezing. Every winter those crazy yankees post photos of grilling outdoors in shorts during a snowstorm. Hearty souls!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We had a dirt floor in the basement of our first house in Connecticut. The walls were rock. We also did the light bulb treatment.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It works like a charm!

        Liked by 1 person

  34. Love the analogy in no.10. And the imagery of no.1. Give me hot any day.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree, Ankur.

      Like

  35. Go outside 10 times πŸ˜‚

    Liked by 1 person

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