Top Ten Things Not to Do When the Weather Turns Cold

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Patrice Bouchard on Unsplash

This list was originally posted on November 17th, 2014. We are expecting a cold front next week, so I thought I would remind myself of those things I shouldn’t do. Maybe if it turns cold where you are, you could use a reminder as well.

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This list is inspired by the temperature here on the south Texas Coast. As I write this, the temperature is thirty-seven degrees. Way too cold for an old fart and his dogs.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When the Weather Turns Cold

10 If the weather turns cold, do not think turning on the heat is for wimps. If you do, at best, you may find yourself refusing to get out of bed. At worst, you could see your pipes freeze and split like a bratwurst on a hot fire. (A slit bratwurst is no big deal, the pipes are a little more problematic.)

9 If the weather turns cold, do not avoid getting out the heavy clothes. If you do, at best, you will find yourself shivering when you go outside. At worst, you could be found stiff as a board sitting on a bench waiting for the rescue dog with the brandy. (Be sure to pen a goodbye note)

8 If the weather turns cold, do not think that the black spot in the road is water. If you do, at best, you will only skid a little as you hit it. At worst, you will get a free-spinning ride like the one you paid good money for back in July when you visited Disney World. (This time, though, the stop might be a little more sudden and a little more hurtful.)

7 If the weather turns cold, do not think that the white stuff falling from the sky will go away on its own. If you do, At best, you could have a hard time moving when you go outside. At worst, the buildup will be such that you can no longer open the doors and will have to resort to eating leftovers out of the freezer, which has been in there for an eon or two. (And nothing’s marked as to content or date)

6 If the weather turns cold, do not think the outdoor plans you made in July should be modified. If you do, at best, you might not have much fun playing badminton in twenty-five mile an hour wind and chill of minus twenty. At worst, you will lose several family members to frostbite before you realize the shirts and skins basketball game was not such a good idea. (You thought uncle Harry who is on the skins team, was being a blue Smurf for the day)

5 If the weather turns cold, do not think you can enjoy a coffee at your usual outdoor café. If you do, at best, you will find yourself hugging the cup instead of drinking it. At worst, you will be the only one outside and will remain there until the street clearing crew uncovers your carcass in the spring. (You would have thought the server would have checked on you.)

4 If the weather turns cold, do not think you can continue to commute to work on your bicycle. If you do, at best, you will arrive at work unable to release your hands from the grips. At worst, you will not be able to thaw out until after the critical meeting with new clients. (They did comment to your boss to the effect that you seem stiff and cold.)

3 If the weather turns cold, do not take your dog for a walk without some kind of wrap on the dog. If you do, at best, the dog won’t want to go and will surprise you later at home. At worst, your dog will not want to go and will decide you are the one who needs to be led by the leash. (He may even think you need to be carried back home and a trainer.)

2 If the weather turns cold, do not think you can continue to grill outside like in August. If you do, At best, you will be serving cold meals although not intended. At worst, you will be way too close to the grill to keep warm and chance spontaneous combustion, which, if it happens, will possibly ruin the meat as well. (No one likes bone meal ash on their burger.)

1 If the weather turns cold, do not think this is an excellent time to finally put away the garden hoses that have been lying around the yard. If you do, at best, you will have the equivalent of an octopus to manage, given how stiff the hose has become. At worst, you will find that the hose is connected to the faucet, and every effort to remove it leads to an expensive visit by a plumber and housing contractor. (Not to mention the new skating rink that you used to call your backyard.)

94 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do When the Weather Turns Cold”

  7. Great list, John, but what do you mean by you are expecting a cold front?
    (We were 57* this morning – for us that’s cold, but for some – it’s Spring, hahaha)

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  8. We are starting to see ice forming in the mornings, John. The only think worse than ice is frozen wet leaves. Maddie drew a big red circle around Number-3. We do our best to keep her warm, but we worry about her feet on really cold days. Good and timely list. Thanks.

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      1. From a distance . . . Once someone was unhappy that I didn’t bolt from the green light like a jackrabbit, so he cut right in front of me to go around. Both he and his big pickup truck went careening into a field.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. It was 2010 and Florida got a frost. Some locals were confused and panicking. I scraped my car clean and turned on the radio. First thing I hear is the DJ explaining what frost is and then telling people to stop using fire to get rid of it. Apparently a handful of idiots thought flammable liquid and a lighter would melt the ice without damaging the car.

        Liked by 1 person

  11. Great list, John. I loved living in CT, but the snow piles were unnerving. This will be my first winter in AZ, but I think it will be mild in comparison. Stay warm. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Ahhh, black ice, common everywhere, I guess. And deeper into winter, the arrival of the ubiquitous pot holes, that never get fixed for months only to reappear next cold season, but deeper.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Most of us up in this neck of the woods try to get things ready before the real weather kicks in. That means blowing out the hoses and sprinklers, getting the snowblower ready, putting the snow brush/ice scraper in the car, etc. Mother Nature can be pretty tricky sometimes, though.

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  16. This is very funny. Being raised in the prairies of Canada, we know all about cold! here’s one. If it turns cold, don’t think licking that light post would be a good idea. If you do, well you probably didn’t need that first layer of skin on your tongue! You might get your taste back, eventually.

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  18. Thanks for the advices, John. Honestly, you are calling 15 degrees Celsius (60 degrees Fahrenheit) a “cold front”???? 😉 Its the normal temperature we are having here. Only in August the temperature is increasing to 30 degrees (C, equ. 80 degr. F), for some days. Good luck! xx Michael

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        2. We can smack blogging around for a number of reasons, but the repetition of it, and I can only speak for myself, has improved my prose considerably. I’ll never be Isak Dinisen, but I’m better than I was. 🙂

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  23. Pingback: Top Ten Things Not to Do When the Weather Turns Cold — Fiction Favorites | Kim's Musings

  25. Got a good laugh from me, John. I thought of another one. When the weather turns cold and that white stuff falls and piles up, do not use a flame thrower to melt it. At best the water will turn into ice and you’ll slip and hurt your back; at worst, you’ll set your garage on fire. I did see this somewhere!

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  27. Haha! A list made by a Texan for sure… over here? We Canucks are a tougher lot 😉 Many ride their bikes in the snow and BBQ all winter long, to name but a couple 😉

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  28. I wish you to warm up, dear John! It is already -7 in Moscow & it is too early for this sort of cold. So, more warm clothes, more spiced drinks, more raspberry jam & more heat. 🍷☕🍷☕🍷☕ A curious fact: as a rule Russian dogs go out without any wrap even when it is – 20…but they don’t stay outside too long.

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  29. Okay sissy!
    Lol! I live in Toronto, Canada. I grew up in Winterpig. (Winnipeg)
    -40C for 3 months is cold. You’re talking spring in this post.

    Oh, don’t try using a vacuum to suck up the snow. That only works on ants and cockroaches.
    37degrees… perfect walking weather.
    Egads, have you heard of parkas and Sorrels!

    Still, I got a few chuckles!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I resemble that sissy remark. I have blood thin enough to be mistaken for water. I lived in Michigan for 20 years and could stand the cold. Now not so much. Yes, I have a pair of sorrels from the times we used to go to Lake Tahoe from California. Sadly I have given up that survival skill. Need hot toddies and fire to keep warm. Glad you liked it and got some chukeles, Resa.

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  30. Yes, I’ve learned about skidding on the ice and snow! It is scarier than a Disney ride!

    He-Man has grilled with snow on the ground, but not actually while it’s snowing. We gotta eat right? 😂

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  33. Oh, the pipes and garden hoses. Our first house in New England had a dirt basement, and we had to keep a lightbulb next to the pipes to keep them from freezing. Every winter those crazy yankees post photos of grilling outdoors in shorts during a snowstorm. Hearty souls!

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