Top Ten Things Not to Give as a Present This Year

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Євгенія Височина on Unsplash

 

This list was originally posted on December 7th, 2015. Except for the fact that eighty-plus years have witnessed the holidays, all else seems relevant. I hope you enjoy it.

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This list is inspired by watching seventy-plus Holidays come with mixed results on gifting, both giving and receiving.

Top Ten Things Not to Give as a Present This Year

10 This year, do not give anyone a fruitcake. If you do, at best, it will find its way into the city recycling center. At worst, it will come back to you next year just a little bit harder than when last gifted. (Sure, it looked good in the catalog, didn’t it?

9 This year, do not give anything that has “as seen on TV” printed on the package. If you do, at best, the recipient will know you shopped in the drugstore. At worst, the gadget will be responsible for taking out the recipient’s electrical system. (You didn’t get that recall notice, did you?)

8 This year, do not give Scandinavian cookies in a metal tin. If you do, at best, the made in USA label will give away the lack of an imported gift. At worst, the cookies will taste like overpriced Little Debbie vanilla wafers. (How’s that stuck to the roof of the mouth feeling working out for your recipient?)

7 This year, do not give frozen mail-order steaks. If you do, at best, the steaks will be received by a vegan. At worst, the steaks will arrive in time to sit on the porch between Christmas and New Year while your recipient is skiing in Telluride. (They never said they were going out-of-town, did they?)

6 This year, do not give fruit gifts. If you do, at best, whatever you choose is hated by 75% of the people in the recipient’s household. At worst, the gift you select arrives during the worst snowstorm in one hundred years and won’t show up until spring. (Man, those pears sure didn’t freeze well, did they?)

5 This year, do not give personal grooming devices. If you do, at best, the recipient will wonder your intent. At worst, you may get a call from the recipient’s lawyer talking generalities about severe damage to very personal areas. (The ad said it was perfectly safe, and you believed it, right?)

4 This year, do not give a box of chocolate-covered cherries. If you do, at best, they will cause the recipient to choke on the first and throw the rest away. At worst, the recipient will be so depressed by the lack of thought the entire box will be eaten, and the recipient is admitted to the ER with symptoms of a glucose overdose. (It seemed like a good idea while you were getting your prescription filled. Didn’t it?)

3 This year, do not give a discount coupon for a day spa visit. At best, you will broadcast how cheap you are. At worst, the day spa is running discounts because their service sucks. (Can you say toe fungus without cringing?)

2 This year, do not give anything that is designed to be worn under clothes. If you do, at best, you will raise a question regarding the need. At worst, the size will be all wrong, and it won’t matter if you choose too small or too large the result will be the same. (Did you have a few drinks at that trunk show, or are you just an idiot?)

1 This year, do not give anything you bought on an impulse just to have a gift to give. If you do, at best, you will have difficulty explaining why that particular gift. At worst, you will probably overspend for something that has no thought behind it. (That will be your payback for procrastinating your search for a gift.)

78 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Give as a Present This Year”

  3. This is a good list, John. I would extend #2 to under / over. I once bought the Ex a winter coat. The saleswoman talked me into a larger size (It has a slender cut). That was bad enough. When it was still too small, Christmas was pretty much ruined. I would have been better off with a fruitcake.

    I didn’t see a bourbon on the list. I assume that’s a safe gift.

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  4. This Top Ten made me laugh out loud. With all the divisiveness in the world, we might as well add fruitcake to the list. Of course, the likers wouldn’t have to wear a mask, but Social Media could come up with some kind of nonsense to marginalize. 😂 Great job, John.

    Liked by 2 people

        2. Fruitcake has gotten a bad rap from that one that is probably still making the rounds around the world as a re-gift!! 😂 But, you’re probably right, Liz. This time of year I do eat a lot of it, especially since I have a number of failed attempts at baking it myself! 🤥🤒

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  7. You hit a lot on my ‘worst gift’ category. My grandmother used to make fruit cake – that dried candied fruit was never a good idea. Who invented it and why add colorful dyes to the fruit?

    Liked by 1 person

  9. OMG, I have done all these things at one time or another. My mother-in-law made her own fruitcakes, which were HUGE, and even giving away tiny slices on a plate with cookies never seemed to get rid of all of it. And it lasted, and lasted…

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    1. Interesting. There was a malfunction somehow. Where ever there was a contraction it duplicated it. A missing nine was a matter of nine being carried up to 10. Thanks, Craig. This was a mess. I’m surprised no one mentioned it.

      Liked by 2 people

  12. Oh dear, what a timely list, John. I’m having trouble making a “want list” for myself, as well as for gift-giving this year. Add the problems over the supply chain, costs for everything going up, and a lingering malaise over this COVID plague, and I wouldn’t be a bit surprised to find a dozen fruitcakes at my front door … all from folks who received them last year and are eagerly sharing!!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Oh dear, fruit cake! I once saw a cartoon which said there were actually 4 wise men but one was turned away as he brought fruit cake! I never know whether to regift or throw it away when I get one. Not even the dogs like it.

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  17. Not to show off over here… but MY fruitcake is actually rather well-received. Of course, it is not anything close to the year-old stuff in stores and does not contain those fluorescent “cherries” either… 😉

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  19. You may have posted this 6 years ago, but it is still right-on today! All I want for Christmas is a fruitcake!! (perhaps one with a little rum in it?) 🥳

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  22. Does anyone actually like fruitcake? I’ve never met anyone who does. I put that in the same category of foods I don’t understand that are still here, like candy corn at Halloween.

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  23. Oh, what a fun, dear John! 😂😁😂 What about socks? It is one of the most popular gift for men here in Russia. 🧦 The Soviet tradition has plenty of wierd gift ideas.

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  24. You put this list together in 2015. It’s funny how things never change. Also, I see a lot of hatred in the comments for the poor, maligned fruitcake. In its day — before air-conditioning — the fruitcake served a noble purpose. In those days we all needed a doorstop.

    Liked by 1 person

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