This list was originally posted on December 7th, 2015. Except for the fact that eighty-plus years have witnessed the holidays, all else seems relevant. I hope you enjoy it.
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This list is inspired by watching seventy-plus Holidays come with mixed results on gifting, both giving and receiving.
Top Ten Things Not to Give as a Present This Year
10 This year, do not give anyone a fruitcake. If you do, at best, it will find its way into the city recycling center. At worst, it will come back to you next year just a little bit harder than when last gifted. (Sure, it looked good in the catalog, didn’t it?
9 This year, do not give anything that has “as seen on TV” printed on the package. If you do, at best, the recipient will know you shopped in the drugstore. At worst, the gadget will be responsible for taking out the recipient’s electrical system. (You didn’t get that recall notice, did you?)
8 This year, do not give Scandinavian cookies in a metal tin. If you do, at best, the made in USA label will give away the lack of an imported gift. At worst, the cookies will taste like overpriced Little Debbie vanilla wafers. (How’s that stuck to the roof of the mouth feeling working out for your recipient?)
7 This year, do not give frozen mail-order steaks. If you do, at best, the steaks will be received by a vegan. At worst, the steaks will arrive in time to sit on the porch between Christmas and New Year while your recipient is skiing in Telluride. (They never said they were going out-of-town, did they?)
6 This year, do not give fruit gifts. If you do, at best, whatever you choose is hated by 75% of the people in the recipient’s household. At worst, the gift you select arrives during the worst snowstorm in one hundred years and won’t show up until spring. (Man, those pears sure didn’t freeze well, did they?)
5 This year, do not give personal grooming devices. If you do, at best, the recipient will wonder your intent. At worst, you may get a call from the recipient’s lawyer talking generalities about severe damage to very personal areas. (The ad said it was perfectly safe, and you believed it, right?)
4 This year, do not give a box of chocolate-covered cherries. If you do, at best, they will cause the recipient to choke on the first and throw the rest away. At worst, the recipient will be so depressed by the lack of thought the entire box will be eaten, and the recipient is admitted to the ER with symptoms of a glucose overdose. (It seemed like a good idea while you were getting your prescription filled. Didn’t it?)
3 This year, do not give a discount coupon for a day spa visit. At best, you will broadcast how cheap you are. At worst, the day spa is running discounts because their service sucks. (Can you say toe fungus without cringing?)
2 This year, do not give anything that is designed to be worn under clothes. If you do, at best, you will raise a question regarding the need. At worst, the size will be all wrong, and it won’t matter if you choose too small or too large the result will be the same. (Did you have a few drinks at that trunk show, or are you just an idiot?)
1 This year, do not give anything you bought on an impulse just to have a gift to give. If you do, at best, you will have difficulty explaining why that particular gift. At worst, you will probably overspend for something that has no thought behind it. (That will be your payback for procrastinating your search for a gift.)