Top Ten Things Not to Do on New Year’s Eve.

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Alysa Bajenaru on Unsplash

This post ran on December 29th, 2015. I think there is still some relevant advice. I hope you enjoy it even though it ran one day early.

* * *

Since this is Monday, you should expect a Top Ten list. This week will be the same as the others for the last year. So YES, here is the Ten Things Not to Do list (although a little late today). This week’s list was inspired by a New Year’s Eve party I attended (or maybe many). I’m not saying if I was a perpetrator of any of these things, but I hope you enjoy them.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on New Year’s Eve.

10 On New Year’s Eve, do not try to set a personal record for alcohol consumption. If you do, at best, your evening will close early. At worst, New Year’s Day will represent your personal purgatory, just begging for relief. (Getting off your knees might be the first step to redemption)

9 On New Year’s Eve, do not set resolutions that you think would be great to accomplish if you were a superhero. If you do, at best, you will not last a week on your new plan. At worst, you will consider your failure at resolutions to be among one of the many failures for the year. (Now you need to be talked down off the ledge)

8 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your goodwill to humankind feeling leftover from the holidays should be demonstrated by public displays of affection for everyone you meet. If you do, at best, most will try to dodge your advances. At worst, there will be one person who will think you are the new lost love that they have been searching for their whole life. (Now you have someone stalking you for months despite the restraining order)

7 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your stomach deserves to be challenged with copious amounts of strange food. If you do, at best, your later hours will be spent in a degree of discomfort. At worst, your stomach will get even when you least expect it. (Yes, it is two in the morning, and that’s you calling trains into the ceramic microphone)

6 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your off-key singing throughout the year will suddenly get better with the addition of Champaign. If you do, at best, you will still draw the same looks you got for the rest of the year. At worst, you will begin to gather stray cats and dogs who think you are calling them for dinner while singing Auld Lang Sine. (Better find some kibble fast)

5 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your famous green monster punch will be enjoyed by everyone. If you insist everyone try it, at best, your party may end early. At worst, you may be responsible for sending some guests over the edge due to a strong allergy to Everclear and, if not an allergy, certainly a diminished capability for strong drink. (hint green carpet spots never come up)

4 On New Year’s Eve, do not try to surprise your significant other with a mystery destination that you promise will make the best New Year’s Eve ever. If you do, at best, you may have selected a place that has some negative memories. At worst, you may spend the entire evening lost in a strange neighborhood which will not be the best destination. (It might be the most memorable as the prime reason your significant other is no longer significant and not your other)

3 On New Year’s Eve, do not get all romantic if all year you act as if romance was as welcome as the measles. If you do, at best, you will look ridiculous. At worst, you could cause a significant upset to the person you are ordinarily ambivalent about. (How was that first dose of pepper spray?)

2 On New Year’s Eve, do not think it a good idea to put that lampshade on your head. If you do, at best, some will laugh not with you but at you. At worst, the shade is an antique given to the host by a grandmother just before her demise, and now it is on the floor under your fanny after you slipped on a bottle and fell to the floor. (Oh, though you would like to know, the video on U Tube has gone viral)

1 On New Year’s Eve, do not think you have to stay up past a reasonable hour to see in the New Year. If you do, at best, the next day’s activities will be a challenge. At worst, you will throw off your sleep cycle, not to mention nodding off at your mother-in-law’s New Year’s Day family gathering. (The pool of drool on the damask fabric of the antique couch will be your mark forever)

64 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do on New Year’s Eve.”

  3. I don’t celebrate New Year’s Eve – for all the reasons you’ve mentioned. “A pool of drool?” Too funny, John. I hate to think where that one came from. 🤣

    Liked by 1 person

        1. I know right. I’m in touch with two guys who used to work for me and they love to bring up the wild and crazy stuff we used to do. They said they never had so much fun. I know I never did have more fun than those days.

          Liked by 1 person

  8. Pingback: Top Ten Things Not to Do on New Years Eve -Take Two | Fiction Favorites

    1. Hahaha. I remember one New Year’s party that was still going strong at 2:30 AM. I snuck off to bed. Unbeknownst to me until I got in bed my spouse had slipped off earlier. We don’t think anyone mssed us at all.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. I’ll spend the eve watching the Twilight Zone Marathon, as usual, John. I’ve come close to violating a few of these. It’s a good list to keep handy. Scheduling bites us all in the butt on occasion.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh, that is so funny! I promise I won’t tell anyone. Hubby tells me the guys used to call Ralph. I supposed the sound of saying Ralph could be the reason. Albuquerque, I like that. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

  19. Oh, John. On the food and drink, you’ve brought back memories of a New Year’s Eve decades ago. No dinner and the champagne flowed early. Ugh. Will never do again! Eat well and often:). Happy New Year!

    Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.